2/27/2014

A storm's a brewing

It was bound to happen. Oddly for as shy and laid back as I am, I am not a follower. I've always been the leader type. I hadn't been happy for the past couple of months in the guild I was in. Finally it came all crashing down and now for the first time in years I am running my own guild on WoW. Yeah sorry this is going to be a WoW related blog.

I'm not going to sit here and say everything I have done was right over the course of the last few months. Truth be told even though I fought for stuff I believed in, I wasn't entirely truthful either with how I felt. I never liked how the guild was being run. Too much stuff going on behind the scenes. This person saying one thing to one person and something totally different to another person. Yep even I got caught up in this. Said shit I never should of said. Influenced into thinking badly about other people. Finally I had enough.

One person in particular I was pretty brutal to and her name is Sarah. A lot of stuff was said in the background. I said my share of stupid shit too. I won't get into the full details of everything though. I'll admit to being an asshole at times cause of some of the situations that were going on. Stacey, the gm, never did like her. Stacey also never really wanted her to be an officer. She went on for months about how she disliked things that were going on with Sarah but yet refused to talk to her. I was the in between person. I got into constant arguments with Stacey. I kept telling her that if she had an issue with her she should take it up with her. Did she? Nope. In that time frame something happened with Sarah that pissed me off and the "I don't give a fuck" side came out and I influenced the decision to demote her and get her kicked from the guild. As much as I may of influenced this outcome it was my not my decision to make. The day Sarah got kicked from the guild it was mostly Stacey on that one. Somehow though people are trying to say it was mine. No it was not. Did I have a part in it? Sure. Not my decision though. Since my departure from this guild though I apologized to Sarah and we are now on speaking terms. It didn't really occur to me until I demoted myself in the guild how much of an asshole I was to her.

Back in December I was thinking bout leaving WoW and/or quitting the guild. It was not working for me anymore. It is hard to compromise with someone who just wants to log on and pvp all the time. In fact I had it planned that at our guild anniversary/Christmas party that I was going to be departing the game for awhile. Then I met Amanda in game. Things totally changed for me. I had someone new to talk to and then we started hanging out all the time. In the last two months we have become really close and she has helped me have fun in the game again. Anyways I did something I probably shouldn't of and I was going to her with guild related issues going on behind the scenes. I guess I wanted someone else to go to for advice and whatnot and she is one person that I have grown to trust. Basically it was concluded that if the guild was going to survive either I would have to take over the guild or someone needed to kick Stacey in the ass to make her realize a few things.

I made a bold decision. I asked Stacey to hand over GM to me. It was met with opposition and hurt feelings. Which I totally understand. However in the background I had people telling me that they had actually agreed with just about everything I said. I am not going to name those people, you know who you are. I never really thought she was going to hand over the GM position to me but I wanted to use it as a wake up call to her to get her back to the reality of the situation that was going on in the guild. Deciding that I felt that I could no longer contribute into the growth of the guild I stepped down as co-gm. I was told by many people that I did not have to do this but seriously why would I stay in a lead position if I don't like the direction that the guild was going in? I know it was wrong of me to demand the title from her like that but someone needed to make her see what was going on in the guild. Who knows? Maybe I was the actual problem in the guild cause I am stubborn and I cared way too much bout what was going on instead of taking a laid back approach?

What followed in the next couple of days sealed my fate with the guild. I'm going to be honest though as soon as I stepped down as co-gm from the guild I had a backup plan with starting my own guild. I wanted to give it a go. It had been awhile since I was running a guild and I wanted to see what I can do. I also really didn't want to leave the guild and the people that I had talked to everyday and grown to care about. I won't get into details about what happened but I made the most painful decision to remove myself from the guild. Seriously I hope some people don't think it was an easy decision for me to make cause it wasn't.

There was quite a bit of backlash from what happened. I lost friends. Feelings were hurt. People talking about me behind my back calling me two-faced and all sorts of other stuff. I'll admit I was wrong with things that I said or did but can other people say the same? I mean Stacey, someone who I had become friends with, may of been hurt by some of the things I said but she needed to hear the truth and how I actually felt. I shouldn't of let things build for as long as they did though. At the end though it didn't matter how I felt cause she basically ignored everything that I had said about the guild and about everything else. That is how she is though. I would of stayed in the guild and tried to make it work but anything that was going on was completely ignored.

Two issues that I want to clear up here in my blog for people. I never poached anyone from that guild. I had a few conversations with people and one person in particular I talked to him bout coming over to my new guild but never said ok this is something you must do. My friend Rob, whom I have known for about 8 years, is still in that guild and I have not talked to him about what went down. If you want to accuse me of poaching at least be accurate. I need to back track a little bit for this one. I wanted to make Amanda an officer in the guild. This was met with opposition cause of how close I've become with her. While I understand it I thought it was a mistake to not make her an officer. I felt like out of anyone she would of been the best choice. Anyways Stacey told the guild that I left because my feelings were hurt that she was not made an officer. How about no? That was never the reason why I left. I may of been a bit mad at about it cause I felt she was a good candidate. Upset to the point where I left to go elsewhere? No. What drove me out of the guild was lack of leadership in the guild. A GM who let issues go and then when she decides to act on something it is a rash decision. She would rather just act instead of asking questions or she asks questions after the fact. She has made it known to a few people that she would rather log on to pvp and forget about running the guild. Also she likes when people are honest and straight forward with her but yet if she doesn't like what she hears she acts without thinking. If you don't want to hear the truth then don't ask for the truth. Sadly as much as I did for that guild as a co-gm I failed. I failed to make her work her ass off for that guild. Maybe now that I am gone she will. It was said that the person who lacked communication is now gone from the guild. The only way I lacked communication in that guild was by me not fully speaking how I felt. I fought with Stacey countless times on various issues and I finally had enough.

I won't mention this stuff again though. I have moved on and I am now running my own guild. It may be small and it may be small forever but at least I am having fun and I am happy. I should of never of taken the co-gm position in HGTPW but despite the bullshit, which some of it was my own doing, I at least met one amazing person out of it and now I am co-running a guild with her.

I am not trying to paint this pretty picture of where I am not wrong or I am innocent. I am being truthful in saying that I fucked up myself with co-running this guild. It was going to end up being a disaster in one way or another. Two people trying to run a guild that have totally different ideas and points of view of how to run things just does not work. I don't hold any ill will towards them and I wish them all the best of luck. I left out quite a bit of the story from both sides to be honest. It would come across as me bashing them even though I am sure it comes across as that way anyways. What is done is done though. Moving on.

2/12/2014

S.M.F

Been awhile. Here I am though. I like the title of my blog today. I got it from a Twisted Sister song. Can you guess what it stands for? Not too difficult to figure out.

Anyways I am actually in a pretty good mood today. Despite having a bit of a breakdown yesterday. Hey it happens. You get stressed out and frustrated and then you just totally break. It happened, its over, I had a goodnight sleep last night. Today is a new day. Snowing yet again and still cold but it is a very light snow and supposedly we will be in the 40s by next week some time. Woo hoo. Maybe it will good enough for me to start walking again. Man that would be great.

So I went shopping this morning. It was great to get out of the house. I am really going stir crazy. I get to the Pick'N'Save parking lot and I come across this crosswalk. A lady was walking across and seen me so she stopped. I had stopped too. So I started to inch forward and she proceeds to walk in front of the car. Seriously I thought she had stopped completely and was going to let me go. Instead I almost hit her cause I couldn't find the brake right away. She starts giving me these dirty looks and I yell to her "bitch stop giving me dirty looks and keep on walking". I'm not normally like that towards people but don't be stupid. Maybe I was in the wrong and should of just not tried to go at all but seriously I thought she was letting me go. Oh well...stupid people!

I picked up my guitar to play Rocksmith for the first time in awhile last night. Played some songs I knew really well and then went to play the beginning parts of the song "Aces High" by Iron Maiden. The beginning riff to that song is definitely a good workout for my hand. That sounded wrong. Anyways yeah I really need to get back into the habit of playing at least an hour a day. I was doing so well at one point.

Other then me being a bit frustrated the past few days there is quite a few positives in my life now. I am thankful for that and I am thankful for people who are currently in my life. I love you guys. I don't know what I would do without some of you.

2/07/2014

Never use a broomstick as a lightsaber

I thought I'd do a bit of a flashback for this blog and talk about a funny story that happened to me back in March of 05. Not sure why I was thinking about this today but I thought it could be a funny story to share with people. The title "never use a broomstick as a lightsaber" is totally fitting. Enjoy.

Back when I was working at Publix in the dairy department me and my friend Andrew always worked together on the weekend. We screwed around quite a bit. Made fun of people. Made stupid videos in the dairy cooler. No pervs not those types of videos. We had a lot of fun. Well one day our boredom reached a new height. We found some broomsticks in the backroom and decided to use them as lightsabers. Kids please don't try this at home.

Andrew took fencing lessons so I should of been concerned bout it cause what the hell do I know about actually dueling someone? Whatever though it was for fun right? No one could possibly get hurt? I should never of thought that.

We started dueling with the broomsticks and it was fun. Totally retarded of course. We could of gotten in big trouble for horseplay on the job. Then again prior to this we screwed around quite a bit anyways. I'm not entirely sure how it all happened but I know at one point I was not paying attention and Andrew hit me right above my eye.

Oh did that hurt. He smacked me pretty good. I threw down my broomstick and started screaming "fuck!". He immediately was like oh dude I am sorry, you can kick my ass for that. I put my hand over eye. I dropped to the ground on both knees. Instead of being totally mad or crying in pain I started laughing my ass off. I was laughing at the fact that I was down on the ground due to taking a blow to the head by a broomstick. Then Andrew starts laughing. He was like dude I seriously thought you were going to kick my ass. I'm like no, this does fucking hurt though. He told me to take my hand away from my head so we could see the damage. Oh there was plenty of damage. I was bleeding pretty badly.

We quickly ran to the bathroom while blood is pouring out. Somehow I managed to bleed more on the floor then I did on myself. We got to the bathroom and I decided to apply pressure with a wet towel on my head to try to stop the bleeding. It took a little bit but the bleeding managed to stop. Again we both start laughing at the situation because we are retarded.

I couldn't really go back to work after that. I was continuing to hold a towel above my eye to stop any further bleeding. I couldn't report the incident either. What was I going to say? Oh I took a broomstick to the head? I could of said I knocked over a pile of milk crates and one hit me in the head? How believable is that really? It was really noticeable that something had happened to my eye so I put on my sunglasses to cover my eye. I didn't really do much work after that but I remember standing in the dairy cooler and again I am cracking up at the entire situation. I suppose this is how I deal with things like that, I find the humor in it.

Got home and everything seemed fine. I was told by my roommate Chris that I should probably go get some stitches. He was probably right but I never did go to get any. By the end of the night though I was in quite a bit of pain and had a massive headache which went right into the next day. My eye started to swell up pretty badly. Never lost vision or anything. I did call out of work though.

Within a few days my eye had improved other then the piece of eye lash that was missing from the cut. Yes this piece of eye lash is still missing today. Since I was out of work though I had to explain to them why I was out of work. Remember me mentioning the milk crate thing earlier? Yeah I totally used that as my story. I said I was stacking milk crates and I must of stacked them way too high cause a few of them fell off and one hit me right above my eye. I said that I would of said something right away but I was in too much pain and needed to get home as soon as possible. They believed my story, well at least I think they did.

I think it was the same day or maybe a day or two later that I was by the milk crates outside of the dairy cooler. I always loved to stack them way too high cause it would piss people off. So I am stacking them and I lost control of the crates and guess what happens? I get hit in the head with a milk crate. I just stood there for a few laughing about it. I lied about cutting my eye open by getting hit with a milk crate and then I end up getting hit with a milk crate anyways. Oh and it didn't really hurt nor did it cause any of the damage that I had told them that it did.

Moral of the story is basically don't use broomsticks as lightsabers or in general don't pretend you are a Jedi. If you want to believe you are a Jedi buy those plastic lightsabers. Trust me they hurt a lot less.

2/06/2014

Patience

Patience. Thankfully over the years I have learned to be more patient when it comes to certain things in my life. Trust me this is never easy. Sometimes I want to bash my head into a wall  over certain stuff that happens over the course of the day. I don't do this however. As upset, mad, etc that I may get I manage to calm myself and think positive thoughts. Besides if I smash my head into the wall it might hurt and well there would probably be a big hole in the wall by now. We don't want that.

I think I am just going stir crazy. As much as everyone thinks I am a home body I totally am not. I don't like being in the house 24/7. It drives me nuts. Like bouncing off the walls type of nuts. It is amazing that I am not as grumpy as I probably could be. Hell at least when it was warmer outside I didn't necessarily have to go anywhere. I could just go out into the backyard and see what I can set on fire. That is not an option at the moment. Damn you winter. Every time I think of going somewhere out driving it gets too cold or we are getting snow. I was thinking bout going out Saturday but I see it is going to be cold and more snow. Warm up already! I want to be able to go for my walks again! I know if I don't like this weather I can move somewhere else. Except for I can't move anywhere at the moment.

Again thankfully in other aspects of my life I have developed a great deal of patience. You kinda have to after time. You won't always get what you want right away. There needs to be some sort of effort or fight to get there. I know before I use to think of something and be like ok I want it now with little to no effort. No wonder why I was such a negative bastard. Those days are gone at least. Sure I have my moments but they are short lived. I am a positive person. In fact my theme song is "Shiny Happy People" by R.E.M. Ok totally kidding but there is a little inside joke to why I picked that song. Which I think is explained in earlier blogs.

Just hang in there Nick. The stir crazy stuff will pass in time. Continue on having patience cause in the end everything will work out fine.

2/03/2014

Good feelings

Today has been a test of my emotions. It is the anniversary of my mom's death and yeah that greatly effects me but people in general are testing me today. No fucks are given today though. You want to come at me with shit be prepared. Otherwise I've been total opposite the past few days after a rough week last week. This is why the title is good feelings.

Up until Friday I was in this shitty rut being emotional on and off. I'm still having some moments of emotions especially today. To be expected though right considering what day it is? Still I dunno what entirely happened to make my mood change around on Friday but it was pretty awesome.

The high point of my day I think was in the afternoon. My friend Christine needed some help with an xbox for her daughter. They couldn't get it to work for her Just Dance game. She was told that she had to basically move the computer and internet upstairs in order to get it to work. I told her that was a bunch of bullshit cause if it is a wireless modem then it won't matter where the xbox is. So I went over there. Screwed around with the xbox and then with her computer. They were trying to connect through a guest internet instead of the actual internet. The internet also wasn't accepting outside wireless connections. So I changed all of that and got the password set up on the router and then yeah I fixed the problem. Everyone was so thankful that I was able to fix the problem. It was a reminder to me of one of the best qualities that I have and that would be me helping other people. It makes me feel good.

The rest of the weekend I was in a fairly good mood too. Nothing really specific happened. Just same ole stuff. Well the Super Bowl was yesterday and I watched bits and pieces. The Seattle Seahawks won their first Super Bowl title. Few of my online friends live near the Seattle area so that was really cool for them. Despite the fact that I should probably hate the Seahawks after the fail mary game awhile ago I don't hate them. They are a good team and I was rooting for them.

Today has been kinda an on and off rough day though but I am fine for the most part. I woke up and listened to the song Time by Alan Parsons Project, it was the song played at my mom's funeral. I couldn't make it through the entire song. Made me tear up. I teared up when we got into the cemetery. I had a nice talk with my mom though while I was there. So I know I am good and everything is alright. The song Nothing Else Matters came on the radio on the way home and yep got tears again. Again though I am fine. A few people have tested my patience today but I have no time to deal with that. Quite a few people have been amazing though and I really appreciate that.

So now I will turn on some Black Sabbath and take a deep breathe and just think about the good things that are happening in my life and what is to come. Plenty of good is on its way and it will outweigh the bad. As a friend told me a few days ago: "all good things are worth waiting for".