1/30/2014

No more cheese

This past Sunday I made tacos and I've decided to eat tacos every single day since then. Today I am really regretting this decision. Tacos weren't bad or anything but I have this obsession with cheese so when I have tacos I need a mountain of cheese on there. Well eating a ton of cheese for the past five days has finally taken its toll on my stomach and my stomach is like no more cheese bitch, we can't handle it. It was so good though. Especially the chicken tacos I made. So good.

I am just so filled with emotions right now that I am losing my mind. Well maybe not losing my mind but I am going back and forth from being ok to being sad to the waterworks starting. I hate it. I know a lot of it has to do with February 3rd coming up. I haven't been this bad about it in a very long time. Normally I am doing ok but this time around I dunno. My father mentioned something bout going to the cemetery on Monday to visit my mom and I got tears in my eyes. Let me note though that I am not like this 24/7. It kinda comes and goes at the moment. Lets hope that after Monday this emotional roller coaster subsides.

The Pretty Reckless show on Saturday got cancelled. Kinda sucks. I was looking forward to it. Taylor Momsen had to cancel the tour cause she has to rest her voice. Oh well. Life goes on. However on the concert front I have some big news today. Motley Crue is doing a farewell tour with Alice Cooper opening and they will be playing at summerfest July 4th. I ordered the tickets today. Should be a good show. It will be the third year in a row that I am going to Summerfest on the fourth of July for a show. I never considered myself a huge fan of Motley Crue but I do like quite a few of their songs.

Still cold here. Snowing a bit today too. I do believe that they said the weather was going to be normal or above normal for January and it has been the complete opposite. Stupid weathermen. The one job where you can constantly lie and not get in trouble. Kinda like politicians. I can't wait until it warms up though. I intend on spending a lot more time outside. My unusual walking routine and then sitting around by bonfires. Warmer weather can't get here soon enough in my opinion.

Well that is all for now. I've noticed a huge increase in my blog readers. I went from like 330 last month to 800 this month. Course I have been writing more so that helps. Maybe I am becoming more interesting. Nah, I doubt that.

1/29/2014

Deleted

You know sometimes you come across something and you know you shouldn't look what it says or you shouldn't click on it and you do it anyways? Yeah I had that moment today. Over the years I have a tenancy to save stuff on my computer like conversations, emails, etc. Not entirely sure why because if something goes bad why do I want that left there to rehash any old wounds? Sometimes there are pictures I save and just various other shit. Today though I had an amazing revelation about it. Wanna hear what it was? Hit the fucking delete button.

Course I did read through some of the stuff. The last female that I was really into, which she shall remain nameless, I kept a lot of our conversations. Not because they were cute and filled with awww moments, well some of them were I suppose, but because I knew what the end result was going to be. See I knew how the entire thing was going to end and still despite me knowing what I knew I decided oh hey lets give it a shot anyways. How did I know it was going to end badly? Cause every time I had a thing for this girl it ended almost the exact same way. Man you would think I would of learned my lesson? Slow learner I suppose. What else can I say? I was giving it a shot I guess. But hey out of all that negativity came positive stuff. I'm still the same person but minus the negativity that clouded me a few years back. So anyways whatever I had saved is now gone. Deleted.

I had stuff saved from when I was with Reva. Do I like torturing myself by keeping this stuff on my computer? Actually I had a few things directly related to that one. So why did I have these conversations saved anyways? Well probably cause she was my last girlfriend. Anyways I didn't open them up at all to read. Deleted.

Stuff was saved from Andrew regarding the falling out of our friendship. I'm going to say what is on my mind. I miss the dude. I really kinda fucked up that friendship. He needed someone there for him while he was going through his shit and all I could think of was myself and my stupid problems. I'm sorry bro. I may never actually bring myself to send you an email saying sorry to you but seriously I am sorry how that all went down. . You were my best friend and you were like a brother to me. I guess maybe I am hoping that after two years you still might possibly be reading my blogs. I regret how things went down. I had to get rid of that stuff too. Deleted.

I had stuff saved from like SWG about this feud I had with a guy named Foul. Never liked the guy, he didn't like me. Lots of insults were thrown my way. He even mentioned that I should just kill myself. Lots of other things he said were also totally untrue. Whatever though that shit happened over seven years ago. I'm on WoW now and happy with the people I hang out with. So moving on. Deleted.

I kept other stuff though. I have old blogs and whatnot that I have kept. I stumbled across one where I described a pretty vivid dream. Definitely worth posting someday.

Point to all of this though is when something comes to an end it isn't always wise to leave memories laying around for you to read and think of. I am trying to rid myself of some things from my past that really aren't even worth my time anymore. Hitting the delete button on some of this stuff may of been the best thing I could of done.

Clogged

Last Friday morning I wake up with my nose all stuffy, my nose hurting, side of my face hurting, etc. Great, another sinus infection! Thankfully now it is getting better but yeah I deal with this crap way too much during the winter. I'm moving somewhere else. Screw you Wisconsin! You can take this winter and shove it up your ass.

Despite this I decided that i would go out shopping on Friday cause we needed stuff and my father wanted me to. So I went out shopping. Not really a big deal other then me being in grumpy mode all morning. I went in and got out as quick as I can. So I headed back home and I turned down our block and I noticed by our driveway there was a car parked across from it. I can't emphasize enough about how narrow our street is and how shitty our driveway is trying to pull in and out of it. So with this asshole being parked right across from the drive I knew I would have a difficult time getting in. Especially since we have snowbanks and whatnot. I started screaming off the top of my lungs at this car. "YOU MOTHERFUCKER. PARK YOUR FUCKING CAR SOMEWHERE ELSE YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT!". Seriously I screamed it. I haven't screamed like that in awhile.

I decided that I was going to take a shower and then take a bath and turn the jets on in the tub. I figured this would be a great way to relax me. It was a great way to get me relaxed. I kinda started to forget everything going on during the day. That peace and relaxation did not last for long though. Few days earlier we had a problem with the drain in the basement after running the shower and it would flood up a portion of the basement. So you can guess what happened when I decided to fill up the tub? Yep, I flooded the basement. Course there was quite a bit of standing water so I had to take the vac designed to picking up water and had to fill it up and dump out the water. Time consuming process. At some point I stood there laughing about the entire situation cause I guess that is sometimes how I handle stuff like that. I said to myself that there is no way this day could get any worse so it is all uphill from here.

A plumber did come over to check it out and it was a clogged drain. Nothing that major thankfully. So now we shouldn't have that problem in the near future I hope.

When I said the day would only going uphill from here, I was totally right about that too. Story for another time possibly.

1/28/2014

Hurt

After all these years even if I have accepted it and had time to deal with it there is still hurt there. I am sure some hurt is always going to be there. That may just be unavoidable. I wish I could fully make people understand how I feel but I can't. People can say that they understand but do they really?

There are triggers which will make me think back to not only my mother's death but my sister's suicide. Whether it be a song, a movie, something happening in real life, or something like someone talking about a friend committing suicide in guild chat. It is just normal though I suppose. You remember what happened, you think of how much you miss them and how you wish they were here, you cry, you remember the good times, and then you remember that even if they are gone they are still here with you in spirit and they are never forgotten.

The trigger for me this time was someone in guild chat talking about how they lost a friend to suicide. I said something about how I can understand what they must be going through cause I lost my sister a few years back to suicide. So I sat here and thought bout it and then started to think about my mom and it was like instant waterworks. I tried to get myself to stop crying and then thought why? Why stop? Just let it all out. Eventually I managed to calm myself.

I had another trigger last night when I was watching How I Met Your Mother. Not exactly sure why but towards the end of the show I was in tears again. Of course I was like um Nick get it together, you have to lead a raid on WoW in a few minutes. Not sure what it was exactly that was going on in the show but I guess it was just one of those moments.

The anniversary of my mom's death is approaching so I think this may continue on for a little bit and maybe this is why all of a sudden I am having these little triggers. I'm probably just allowing myself to feel pain right now. It may not be a bad thing either. I don't know. I do know that I miss the both of them quite a bit and they are always in my heart. I will be just fine.

I feel like I should end this blog on a happier note so I'm going to share a story bout my mom. Back when the movie Arachnophobia came out, which btw I really hate spiders, she had this spider toy thing that she had gotten from one of the hospital stays. It was on a string and you could push this thing down to make it look like the spider is jumping. One day I am sitting in the living room and she decides it would be funny to scare the shit out of me by throwing it on my shoulder. Which in fact it did scare the shit out of me. That was my mom, always making jokes just like I do the majority of the time.

1/24/2014

Flying flashlight

I've had many different paranormal experiences. I've talked about them quite a bit in other blog entries. I wouldn't say things happen in my house on a daily basis. Maybe I have just gotten so use to it that it doesn't even really phase me all too much. Well Tuesday morning was one of those mornings that got my attention. I am not even saying this is paranormal but I am sharing anyways cause I thought it was funny.

Tuesday morning I am sitting here listening to music. I was singing away, headbanging, playing air drums and guitar. Basically I went full retard mode. I was in a good mood. On my desk near my phone there is a flashlight just sitting there. Been there for ages and I've never had any issues with it falling or whatever. Well I am not entirely sure what happened but I am sitting here looking at the keyboard and next thing I know this flashlight falls towards me and barely misses me before hitting the ground. I'm just kinda sitting here like what the hell is going on. Something with enough force had to of hit it to make it fall like that. Possible I could of bumped my desk but I don't recall doing that. If it was a ghost trying to fling a flashlight at me cause of my bad singing well use something next time that might not kill me!

Didn't really phase me all too much as I went back to doing what I was doing. Not sure this is paranormal whatsoever but it is funny enough to mention. My full retard mode nearly got me killed by a flashlight. I am being over dramatic or am I? What if the flashlight hit me in the head and I was knocked out and was bleeding profusely? See this really isn't a laughing matter! Either way I probably bumped into my desk causing it to tumble at me or some ghost really did not like what I was singing so they wanted me to shut up. It shall remain a mystery I suppose.

1/23/2014

Overload

Overload. That is how I have felt for the past week. Overloaded with shit. Honestly though it has gotten better but man I wish there was an on/off button to my brain so I could just stop thinking about stuff or letting stuff build up and bother me. Really though compared to how I use to be I think I handle stuff pretty well. I still manage to wake up smiling most mornings.

I dealt with a lot of WoW related crap late last week into earlier this week. I'm not going to get into specifics or anything. Its a video game. Problem is since I am helping with running a group of people on the game I often find myself in a shit storm when people decide to be idiots. It got to a point where I decided to drink last Friday just to eliminate my "give a fuck" button. Hey and it totally worked too until I was dealt with more shit the following morning. I know someone would say to me well you know the simple solution is just to quit WoW. Sounds simple right? It is not. I'm not even going to go into an explanation on why it is just not that simple. At least the WoW related bullshit has toned down this week.

Saturday night I spent the night over by my sister's house. The plan was to drink and get drunk and forget about all the other bullshit. Well I drank but no drunkenness for me. Probably good since I got drunk the prior night. I had fun over there. Majority of the time we listened to music and watched various concerts. Pink, Metallica with the big four bands, Judas Priest, and Fall Out Boy. Was a fun night.

What else is going on? Oh I have to mention that despite all the bullshit on WoW I was told last night that I was the glue that keeps the guild together. I liked hearing something like that. Maybe I needed to hear something like that. I feel a bit more important instead of just some asshole who logs on to make bad jokes and ask females for pictures of their boobs. Btw asking for boob pictures just hasn't worked out too well for me yet.

I was given the nickname Grumpalumpagus due to my grumpiness the past week. I like the nickname but seriously I am not grumpy all the time. It happens in phases and the past week yeah I have been a bit of a Grumpalumpagus. I definitely am not as grumpy as I was a few years back. I don't know how people put up with my shit to be honest. For those that stuck around awww thank you. Those who decided to leave? Kiss my ass.

Thats about all for now. I am trying to keep my blogs shorter then what everyone is use to. No one wants to read  a 100 page novel for a blog. Or maybe people do? I dunno. Does anybody actually read this stuff anyways?

1/16/2014

The sex factory

Back in school again. In a hallway. Not sure if it looks familiar or not. What am I doing here again? Do I have a class to go to? Where is my locker? Wait, do I even remember my locker combination? Confusion sets in. Seems like I have done this so many times before. Maybe I have? Wait, haven't I been out of school for a long time now? I'm almost 35, what am I doing here anyways? Maybe I should just leave? Can't shake that feeling that I should be here though.

I walk through the hall in this confusion like state. I feel like I should be here but I'm not really sure I belong here. I have no books, no backpack. I don't know where I am suppose to be. Is that my locker over there? Lets try it out. Wait what is my locker combination? Do I even have a locker combination? Oh forget it, lets just roam the halls and see what happens.

Saved by the bell. Alright a bell. Is it time to go home yet? It looks like people are preparing to leave. Ok so I guess I will just follow them out the door.

I open the door to go outside and it does not even look like it should be a school zone. What the hell is this place? It looks like a construction type area and a bunch of condemned houses. Why is this right by a school? How did I end up here? I see some people. Maybe I can get some answers. I walk up to a few people and say "excuse me". Next thing I know everything is black.

I wake up. I'm in some place underground. Looks like a construction area. Fencing everywhere. Chains everywhere. Looks like a few boilers going as you can see the flames coming out. I am a room with a bunch of men. Everyone is quiet. What is this place? A group of women come out. They are all wearing barely any clothing. Can't make out exactly it is that they are wearing though. Still groggy from being knocked out. The head lady, I assume she is the person in charge, starts speaking but I can't understand what is being said.

Guys are being taken out of the room by this lady and various other females. Finally the lady comes to me and says ok you are next. I have no choice but to follow so I do. I then get explained that I will be given a female to have sex with and I must do whatever she wants and if I refuse to do so it will result in my death. Any other day I probably would of been ok with this but this whole situation just seemed wrong. We past cross various men and female performing various sex acts on each other. Some the men are in control while others the women are in control. Everything is out in the open so people can watch each other. I think to myself I don't want others to see me naked. Maybe there is a way out of this?

I'm taken to this blonde hair female. Have to admit she is very nice looking. I get the feeling she does not want to be there either and is forced to do this. The head lady says to me ok get at it. I look at the blonde and she looks back at me and I can see in her eyes that she does not want to do this. Before the head lady walks away I say I can not do this, there must be something else I can do to save my life. She was like alright we have another building that has old people in it. We can take you there and you will have to do what is required of you. Great so I assume that instead of having sex with this beautiful blonde I am going to be forced to have sex with an old lady.

Something happens though. All the leaders need to go upstairs for something but requirement the strength of men to raise the platform. Suddenly I find myself helping to raise this platform for these people. It is so heavy. I think I'm losing my balance. Yes I am losing my balance. I don't think I can hold on. My hands slip from the platform. The platform then topples over and everyone on the platform falls down and I assume that they are dead. Everyone stops what they are doing to look to see what happens.

That is how it ends. Not sure what happens next cause I woke up.

1/14/2014

52

Yesterday was my parent's 52nd wedding anniversary. Course my mom has been gone for almost 16 years now but if she was still around today they would still be married. Well at least I assume so. My father possibly could of drove my mother nuts by now. Still though 52 years. That is impressive especially considering how quickly people get divorced now a days. For example my marriage lasted less then a year but we won't get into that. That situation is over and done with.

Wisconsin winters, I love you. -15 last week and we got up to 45 yesterday. Today up to 5 inches of snow. If there is a bright side it would be that we aren't as cold and that makes me happy. Struggling to breathe just walking to a mailbox is sorta ridiculous.

I finally am slowly getting back into exercising. Winter totally kills my going for a daily walk routine and I've been struggling trying to get back into alternative methods such as riding the exercise bike instead. Before I ate any breakfast I got on the exercise bike. I'm going to try to keep this up and I probably am going to throw in some other stuff like some weight lifting. I have like 2 months before I go back to see my doctor and I don't want to get yelled at.

I was dealt a little bit of a blow yesterday finding out that one female that I am potentially interested in is seeing someone. Life goes on though. It is just something I am getting all too use to and familiar with lately. It sucks but there is still hope for me yet. I'm not going to give up.

My sleep has sucked lately. The other night I swear I was up every hour. Last night was a night of tossing and turning and this crazy ass dream that I really don't remember. Not sure why I am having issues sleeping. Maybe I need a change of scenery for a night or two? Time to go sleep downstairs to test that out.

Thats about it for now. I'm sure I will have more to talk about soon.

1/12/2014

Flinging bottle caps

Hey we actually reached 40 degrees today. Not too long ago we were at around -15 and today 40. Definitely felt nice outside. Was like a mini heat wave. It is going to be short lived though of course. Going to be a mess with some freezing rain again and some snow. Oh well. It is still winter here so not surprising.

My sister Trink had a bd party for her husband Scott yesterday. Lots of good food and I had fun trying to hit people with bottle caps. The little kid in me came out a bit yesterday. I blame my brother though. He was encouraging me! I was using a plastic fork as a catapult and flinging bottle caps around. I hit myself more then anyone else though. I guess I felt the need to amuse myself someone and that seemed like the best way. One of the guys at our table near me was like "I'm getting out of here, you people are dangerous". No one was hurt though or lost an eye.

I had mentioned that I am going to go see the Pretty Reckless in a few weeks. Tickets were cheap and I actually got two sets of buy one get one free. Course the fourth ticket, no idea who is going to use that one. I have a few weeks to find a potential date, I mean another person to go with us.  A date? Lol! I don't know of anybody who would know that band though. Hell my sister and our friend doesn't even know the band but I convinced them to go.

The subject of dating. My horoscope said something to the effect that I should give dating a try. I'm just going to laugh it off and roll my eyes. Course my horoscope has been saying this type of stuff off and on for a long time now. Maybe it is on to something? Not going to put too much thought into that at the moment.

Short blog tonight. Quality over quantity right? Plus I got distracted by my cat who decided he needed five minutes of attention after bugging me for like ten minutes. Damn needy bastard.

1/10/2014

Pink

When I agreed to go to the Pink concert with my sister and a friend of ours I did so knowing that it wasn't going to be my typical concert that I go to. I like a few Pink songs but I was never really a huge fan of hers. I do love music though and I love going to concerts so I agreed to go. I figured it might be a good show. Before the show though I did make sure to try to briefly listen to the Pink catalog so I wouldn't be totally lost.

First time driving to downtown Milwaukee. Nervous? Oh definitely. We originally were thinking about busing it but I took a test run out there with my father and decided yeah I got this I'll drive. Wasn't terribly bad going out there. Trying to find parking in the parking structure though was another story. We had to go all the way to the top which of course comes into play later on.

The BMO Harris center is pretty nice. I'm just going to call it the Bradley Center cause that is just what I am use to. Sadly they want to get rid of it so the Milwaukee Bucks can have a new home. Yeah the Bucks need a new home cause they are so great. Especially with their 7-27 record at the moment. Thats a story for another time, maybe. We were sitting in the upper section which actually turned out perfectly cause we could see the stage really well from where we were. Seats were tight with very little room to maneuver which kinda sucked.

The eye candy however made up for the tight sitting conditions. Oh yeah as I had mentioned in my previous blog I was looking forward to the eye candy at the show and there was plenty of course. There were a lot of guys in the crowd but the majority of the crowd were females. Tons of lesbians too. Not sure why I felt like I had to mention that but apparently I had saw somewhere that Milwaukee is the number one city in America for lesbians. Interesting. This explains a lot. Anyways lots of eye candy. Eye candy is good!

New Politics was the opening band. There weren't too bad. They reminded me a lot of Fall Out Boy and Fall Out Boy is a band that I have grown to like in recent months after basically staying away from their music just cause I didn't like their name very much. Never dislike a band cause of a band name! Anyways decent band. Don't know any of their songs but they sounded decent.

Pink came on and I'd have to say the show was definitely worth the money. There was a little movie to begin the show and then a little movie to end the show with credits. The stage show was pretty awesome. You had dancers, stripper poles at one point, trapeze artists, a metal sphere in which she was dangling from, etc. She started off the show by bungee jumped some twenty-five feet above the stage. She sang some fan favorites and then slowed down her set for an acoustical set with her guitarist. She had a short little drum solo and even played piano for one song. She was constantly interacting with the crowd. Accepting gifts and even signing autographs in between songs. Never seen any other artist do that before. Was pretty cool. At times it was hard to hear her talking in between songs but her voice was amazing throughout the show. During the last song of the night she was on a harness and was flying right above the crowd. Dropping down so low to nearly touch the hands of fans down below. That had to of been one of the coolest endings to a show that I have ever seen. At the end of the night I knew that I definitely enjoyed her show and have a new found respect for her and her music. She made a new fan last night.

Getting out of that place was a nightmare though. Since we had to park way up on top we basically had to wait until most of the cars down below us were good. So about five levels of cars had to go through before we could leave. Just to leave our parking spot took a good forty-five minutes. It was ok though cause in the car we had good conversation and good music to listen to and the delay was to be expected so it was ok. My first experience driving downtown to go to a concert wasn't too terrible so I'd do it again and I may have to coming up as my next show is Feb 1st. Going to see the Pretty Reckless again. Should be a fun show.

So to summarize. Pink was pretty awesome and she gained a new fan last night. Eye candy is good. Fear of driving downtown diminished. Going to another show in a few weeks.

Just a little dream

We all have dreams. We picture ourselves in what we want to do. Dreams come and dreams go. Some of them are realistic and some are unrealistic. Despite being told I have no hopes or no dreams I too even have dreams of doing great stuff. Some of them may never happen but it doesn't mean you should stop trying to get there.

I always feel so inspired after I go to a concert. The people, the music, the cheering, etc. It triggers something in me and I think man one day Nick if you could just be good enough you can make it on stage. That would be a huge step from me being this shy socially awkward 34 year old to being on stage in front of people cheering or well even booing. I realize dreams of becoming big one day is well not realistic. Who says I want to be a big rock star though? Playing music in a band is the dream.

Back in high school my Plumbing teacher told me music wasn't a realistic goal. Apparently dieting was a realistic goal for him. Sorry, I shouldn't take shots at someone especially when I'm overweight myself. I played guitar on and off during high school though. I actually did on several occasions play with other people. Nothing ever really panned out though. Then I went through phases with playing guitar. Had the opportunity to play some stuff with a drummer. Was kinda cool but again nothing ever panned out.

In high school though a friend taught me some chords and showed me a pattern to play and to this day I still play that little guitar piece. I haven't officially titled it yet but its a nice little short piece that over the years I have modified. It is a reminder that if I keep at it one day I may just get my wish.

I don't want to be a big rock star. I don't even care about touring around the world and all that. I just want to make music with other people. I just have to keep at it and eventually I will get there. The more you do something the better you become at it. One day I will be on some sort of stage or performing in front of more then just a few people. I may be shy and I may be scared shitless but its something I want to do.

Never give up on your dreams. Even if you feel they are ridiculous or are never going to happen don't give up on them. People put you down about stuff just brush it off and keep trying. The only thing that prevents you from doing what you want to do is yourself.

1/09/2014

Eye candy!

In other news.

Right before Christmas my uncle Mike passed away. He apparently wasn't doing very well. He was dealing with a broken arm that he never got treated. He also I think had pneumonia. Either he had lung or liver cancer. Can't really remember which one. Sad part about all of this is the fact that its been like twenty years since I last saw him. I've heard all the stories about him but since I can't say I ever really knew him that great I can't pass judgment on him. Rest in peace uncle Mike. Never really had a chance to know you. Least now you don't have to be in pain or suffer anymore.

Packer season is officially over. Since I haven't been blogging I haven't had a chance to talk about it. What is there to say really? It was not a good year for them and now they can watch the rest of the playoffs at home. Nothing else to really discuss in my opinion.

Going to a concert tonight. Out of the ordinary show for me. Well to be honest what is out of the ordinary now for me anyways? I mean sure I've seen like Sabbath, Metallica, Rush, Maiden, etc but my range in music is pretty wide now so it shouldn't be an out of the ordinary show for me. Anyways we are going to see Pink. I actually enjoy her music. It should be a fun show. Plus I am sure there will be tons of females there. Eye candy!

The cold streak is finally snapping. Thank God. It is suppose to be near forty coming up. That would be over fifty degrees warmer then what we were. Sadly we are going to get freezing rain and rain on top of all the snow we already have. It will only make a big mess for everyone. But hey I'll take warmer weather! Too bad it won't last for long here. We are still in January. Weather can and most likely will get worse. Just think a few months from now I'll be bitching about how hot it is.

Other then that not much going on at the moment. I suppose I should end this so I can get ready for my concert tonight. I've written more blogs in the past 2 days then I did all of last month combined. Good job Nick. Now keep it up.

1/08/2014

Closing and opening doors

When one door closes another one opens. I think this holds true for me over the years. Sometimes when you are going through a lot of crap you tend not to look on the bright side of things. Something tragic happens and it is immediately the end of the world. It doesn't have to be like that at all. Adapt, accept, and move on. Its the moving on part that has tormented me most of my life. I've gotten better over the last few years though.

You can use the door opening and closing things on relationships which is going to the majority of my writing. Ever since my divorce I have this problem. The problem I have is I find myself developing crushes more or falling for someone like super quick. While this is most likely perfectly normal, it does tend to get irritating when something might not pane out. I mean when I was in a relationship you kinda have to shut down any possible feelings that may develop for another person but now since I am single things can just happen. If something doesn't pan out then it leads to disappoint and frustration which is what I have been feeling for awhile. Despite being frustrated and disappointed I've managed to keep a positive outlook on things.

I am actually pretty lonely. Around the holidays it bothered me quite a bit. Stumbled into a bit of a depression. I make the most of it though and try not to let it totally bring me down. I already know why I am still single. I doesn't need to be told to me why am I. I already know what steps I have to take to get out of the rut. Believe me when I say I am going to do a lot this year in particular to get out of that rut. There are advantages to being single of course but I think what I miss the most is companionship and having someone there that you can talk to or listen to.

This is not really meant to be a depressing story or whining about being single cause it is not. Just stuff that is on my mind really. In recent months there have been a couple of females that I was sorta interested in. Given my current situation though I kinda didn't pursue it all too much. One of the females is no longer available at all. Not really too bummed about that one. Hey it happens. Since then though another female appeared that I guess you can say I am interested in. I'm just at the point where I'm going to see if maybe one day it can go somewhere. If it does then great and if not well hey I said it right at the beginning of the blog. When one door closes another one opens. I may of had many doors close on me but that doesn't mean I haven't had any open. A door will always open when one closes.

To take chances

Hello 2014 and a new year of most likely neglecting my blog. The new year started with a big bang here. Coldest we have been since 1996. Wind chills were around -40 and the temperatures were like -13. It has warmed up a little bit but it is still chilly here. Going stir crazy cause of the weather. Its ok cause the next few days I'll be getting out of the house more.

Christmas was pretty good. My sister got me this plasma electric ball. I don't know where to put that in my room yet but it is pretty damn cool. I've been wanting one since I was like a teenager. She also gave me money on top of that. I got money from my father and then on Christmas my father let me scratch off this word game lottery tickets. I matched what I thought was five numbers which would of been a ten dollar winner. Instead apparently I matched enough words to win $60!

On Christmas Eve my sister Cindy came over and made us spaghetti, which was pretty awesome. Then like we do every year we watched National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. One of those movies that you laugh before stuff happens. After that I hung out with my sister by her house. We watched some Christmas stuff. When I walked outside to go home it started snowing. When I got home I just kinda stood there and watched the snow come down. Was a special moment in my opinion.

I'm always a bit sad when Christmas ends. You wait around for it, you decorate, hang out with family, etc and then its all over. Hey I kinda keep the Christmas spirit year round though by hanging up Christmas lights in the other room and keeping them up.

New Years eve wasn't really too eventful. Stayed at home and made a roast for me and my father. We also had some shrimp and I cut up cheese and sausage. Oh and I had some booze and I may of gotten a bit drunk. I don't do it very often. I am allowed to do it on occasion! Course the next morning I kept saying to myself that I will never drink again. We all know this is going to end up being a lie. Still I don't do it very often. Maybe twice a year. I had a few good laughs that night. I may of stumbled into a wall or two but its ok.

So new years resolution. I try not to make resolutions to be honest. I'd rather pick some sort of theme for the year and stick with it the best I can. I'm not going to make a list of things I should do or I want to do. I am going to keep that to myself this time around. No one needs to know what my plans are besides me anyways. So my theme for this year is "to take chances". I'm pretty sure that I don't need to go into an explanation on what that might mean. 2014 I am sure will have ups and downs but I am confident that it will be a good year.