Bye June!

The month of June is coming to an end and this month has been an up and down roller coaster ride. Breakdowns, disappointments, stress, adventures, laughs, etc. While it might be easy to focus on the negative and write an entire blog about all the shit that has went on, I am not going to do that. One thing that changed for me a few years back is I became more of a positive person. When life kicked me down, I got right back up and found the good in most things. I drifted away from that recently and I am working to restore it. Nothing about this piece of writing should be negative, I think.

Saturday, I had another adventure and it was right here in the city of Milwaukee. I've lived here most of my life but that doesn't mean I know where everything is. Especially since I haven't been driving all too long. My niece recently moved into her own apartment building and she was having a housewarming/college graduation party. My sister and I decided to venture out to find this apartment. First off the area where she lives is under major construction. I of course drove right past the road we were suppose to turn down. Had to find some place to turn the car around and go down the right street. We pull into the apartment complex and we were unsure of where the clubhouse was. There was a residence center right upon entering but we didn't know if that was it or not. We drove around looking for this clubhouse. Came across a dead end and then a road that turns into the main road that we used to get in the place. Finally after driving around for at least 10 minutes or so I saw my sister in law and my niece. Apparently we were at the right place all along, the clubhouse was the residence center. The party itself was fun. I haven't laughed that hard in awhile, I totally needed that. Getting out of there was another adventure. There was a no right turn coming out of there but I was convinced that there was a road going through so I turned right anyways. Yep, bad idea. I was met with a bunch of dead ends and ended up having to go back to the original road anyways. At one point my sister and I were just laughing about it and I'm like I can't drive and laugh like this! We made it out of there though in one piece.

Coming up this summer is a few more adventures for us. I'm not sure when we are going to do all of this, but we are planning on going to the Milwaukee zoo one of these weekends. Also I want to be brave and drive down to Chicago to find the Brookfield zoo. I haven't been to that zoo since I was a teenager. Also we talked about going to the Renaissance Fair, another thing I haven't done in ages. My father is talking bout going away to northern Wisconsin, Hayward area to be exact, and he wants to go away for possibly a week. That could be interesting.

This week is concert week for me. On Friday, which is July 4th, I am going to see Motley Crue. On Saturday I am going to be seeing Fall Out Boy. On Sunday I am going to do absolutely nothing cause two nights in a row of big shows is going to wipe me out. Not only is it concert weekend for me but I probably will be staying by my sister's house for the entire weekend. May as well get out and have some fun. Celebrate life maybe?

Changes are in the works. I never usually reveal my plans and I am going to stay that way. In the past few months I've gotten away from who I am. I went on vacation by myself and asked myself "who is Nick?". Two weeks later and I am still asking myself this question. People have been telling me recently that I've changed and they don't know who I am anymore. While I agree that change is good but in the process of change never forget the people that were always there for you, and I think I started to do that. Another friend of mine told me that at least I recognized the change cause now I can start to work on getting back to myself basically and I will get back to being The Nick.


An Adventure

This past week I set out to do something that I hadn't done before. I've barely had my driver's license for 2 years but I've never been on a road trip. I've only been out and about around the city of Milwaukee. Knowing that I needed a little getaway just to think and I am sure my dad wanted the house to himself for a change, I set off on a little adventure to Wisconsin Dells. This is my story.

Nerves. I have to admit that I was pretty nervous about going on this trip by myself. I've been cross country on greyhound and amtrak before but this was different. I was actually driving. I set up the gps and turned on some Metallica to try to set the mood. Driving on the freeway system here in Milwaukee is nerve racking in itself. As soon as I got out of the city and onto the interstate I was good to go.

Bambi. On my way to Wisconsin Dells I encountered a lot of road kill. That is typical in this state though. Mainly smaller animals such as skunks and racoons. This time around I actually saw quite a bit of deer on my way up there and on my way back home too. Every time I passed by a deer I would say "awww bambi". I've been all over Wisconsin and I have never actually seen a deer cross the interstate. It did happen once while I was on vacation with my parents but I was asleep at the time. Damn the luck.

Wrong way. By the time I got to Madison I had Metallica blasting and I had determined that I was very much enjoying having the car to myself for a road trip. You don't realize how truly crazy you are until you are in a car by yourself for 2 hours. Some of the shit that was coming out of my mouth I will not repeat here. Lets just say anyone who ever road trips with me in the future, I'm sorry. Anyways I had to switch interstates in Madison and I am driving along and all of a sudden my lane turns into an exit and I did not want to go there. So I did what every other asshole driver would do, I cut over to the proper lane. Yes I made sure no one was around when I did this. I did not cut anyone off. Maybe they should warn you ahead of time when a lane is turning into an exit only lane?

GPS why you fly at me? What is it with shit and flying at me? Few months back I had a flashlight randomly fly at me. During my trip it was the gps. I am almost at the Dells, in fact I had like 3.5 miles to go and all of a sudden the gps falls off the window flies towards me and then ends up on the passenger side on the floor. Great. I had to try to drive and pick the gps from off the floor so I could hear gps lady and her annoying voice telling me to where to go. I managed to do that and avoid serious injury!

A release. I get to the condo and I'm walking around the room. I totally had a breakdown. I think it was a release from everything that I've been feeling recently. It was good to get it all out though. Then I was nervous again cause I was there by myself. Sure I've been to the Dells plenty of times but I've never been alone. I then notice some stuff like the phone book from the room is missing and they didn't give me any ice bucket. Stuff that was not really a big deal cause I wasn't going to be using them anyways. My room was located right next to the outdoor pool. I had a good view of the pool and of the lake. That was pretty sweet in itself. I eventually calmed myself down cause I wanted to have an adventure!

Lost. I went out driving that night in search for Ponderosa and Walmart. I knew what general area Ponderosa was located and the same for Walmart. Well on my way to Ponderosa I did not see it. I went by where it was suppose to be and I saw nothing. All of a sudden I am back on the interstate going south. Fuck! This is not where I wanted to go. I quick got into panic mode and was like where the fuck is this taking me. I said to myself that it is ok cause the gps is still in the car and if necessary I will use it. I come up to an exit and decide to get off on the exit. I decide that I would go to Walmart and get food instead of going back to find Ponderosa. I look at the map for Walmart and I am right next to it. Yay! One slight issue. I am in the left turn lane and I should of made a right. Fuck! I can't back up. So I had to wait for this long light to turn green so I could go. I decide to try to find some area where I can turn around. I picked a very bad area cause I made a very sharp turn and I am lucky that I did not go off the road or something. Oh well, it is ok. No one was hurt, car is still in one piece. No harm done! On the way back the hotel I ended up turning too early and went down the wrong road. God damn it Nick! Pay attention. So again I had to turn around and get back on the right road and turn down the right street.

Sleepless nights. I had a string of nights where I had little sleep at all. Monday night was at home and that was due to storms. Tuesday night the Dells got hit with storms. Thundering and lightning with very heavy rain. Wednesday night it wasn't storming but I still had a hard time sleeping. I was also woken up by thunder early Thursday morning thanks to even more storms. I didn't really get any decent sleep until I made it back home.

You no eat pizza. On Wednesday I decided that my adventure was going to include a lunch buffet at the Pizza Pub and later on a walk through Timbavati Wildlife Park. I love animals so I love going to zoos so of course I was looking forward to that. I went to Pizza Pub first. There were two entrances to the place. One was a parking lot that I couldn't really tell if it was for Pizza Pub or some other place and then another small parking area that apparently only has room for 3 cars. Which one did I go to? The one with 3 cars. 2 handicap and one regular parking. Fuck! So I had to back out of there and then go into the right entrance so I could park. I get in the place and I've always had friendly service there and the food is always excellent. It was the same this time around too. However I did go up to get food and I came back and all my stuff is gone. My drink, napkins, silverware. I'm like wtf. So I ask the waitress bout it and she said someone must of assumed that I was done. She went and got me replacements. I am sitting there and suddenly I think to myself "you no eat pizza". I totally starting laughing and smiling. I am sure I looked like a retard but who cares. I might never see some of those people again, right? I enjoyed the rest of my time there with no further incidents and went back to the condo to rest before my trip to the wildlife park.

Must of been hump day. Mid afternoon I decide to take a trip to find this wildlife park. It was about the easiest thing to find on my entire trip btw. The place has a nice setup. Some of the cages for the animals seem small though. I am pretty sure this place is fairly new cause there is a lot of room for expansion there. One of the first animals in there that I saw was a badger. So cute. Next to that cage is what I believe was a lynx. He did not like me very much. I was trying to talk to him and be nice. He kept hissing at me. I was just trying to be nice dude. Stop being a bitch! One of my favorite was the lemur, I think that is how it is spelled. He was so cute. He jumped up on the cage to try to get close to me and he was like reaching out with his hands. I made a friend. Awww, I would of taken him home but I don't know if a monkey roaming around my house would be a good idea. There were other various animals there such as lions, tigers, zebras, camels, etc. One of the highlights though had to be the turtles. Must of been mating season for them cause there were at least four couples of turtles going at it. They were making all sorts of noises too. It was rather amusing. This one turtle is trying to eat and this couple is right next to him going at it. I laughed. I tried not to laugh but I laughed. I enjoyed the place though. I wish they had more animals though. That is my only complaint.

Getting gas. Confession time. Before Thursday morning I had never filled up the car with gas by myself. Yes I know how to do it just normally, since I share the car with my father he is the one doing it. This time around I had no choice. Course there is a little adventure with this one too, why not? Everything I did on this trip had moments. I'm driving around trying to find a gas station and finally I come across one. So I pull in and well I pull into one that is out of order. Well I decide I will make it work anyways. Yeah that did not work out well. It wasn't accepting my choice of payment or anything. Course the gas station is filled with people and I am standing next to a pump that is out of order. Oh talk about being embarrassed. So I got in my car and I drove away. On to the next gas station! Which I did find a gas station and I had no issues getting gas from there. I swear there was no dull moment when I was out and about on this trip.

Hillbillies are going to come out and rape me. Before I drove back to Milwaukee, I decided to take a bit of a detour to Blue Mounds, Wisconsin to check out Cave of the Mounds. I've never been in a cave before and I've been wanting to check it out for quite some time. I decided to go on a bit of an adventure. Initially driving down that way was fine until stupid gps lady decided to put me on some country roads. I'm talking middle of the woods type of roads here. No they weren't dirt roads but they were narrow and one wrong turn you'd end up in a ditch or in my case falling off a cliff. Had to drive carefully, especially since I had no idea where the hell I was. Of course this entire time I had to piss really bad and it seemed like I was on these back roads forever. As I am driving along I think to myself, some hillbillies are going to come out, jump my car, and then rape me. Yes the lovely things that cross my mind as I am driving alone in the middle of nowhere. Driving along this country road and it looks like I should turn left but gps lady never says to turn left so I keep going straight and then she tells me recalculating. I start yelling at her. "You motherfucking bitch, I have to piss really bad and you are getting me lost!" Not like she could hear me or anything or maybe she can and she was sitting there laughing at me. After what seemed like an eternity of back roads I finally made it to my destination.

In a cave. Never been in a cave before. Really interesting. Pretty cool too. The cave was like only 50 degrees. I should of planned better for walking around for an hour in that cave. Its ok though. Also kinda wet in the cave. Constant water dripping in random places. It is said that if you get hit by these cave drops that it will give you good luck. Man I was literally getting a motherfucking shower by these cave drops and I sure as hell don't think my luck has changed one bit. The cave though, pretty damn cool. I am glad that I drove out of my way and got lost to go there. Beautiful in that cave. I took a ton of pictures. Not all of them turned out the way I wanted them too. My camera kinda sucks, I need an upgrade at some point. Our tour guide was really awesome and knowledgeable. Overall I am really glad I finally got to check it out. I started looking up other caves in Wisconsin that you can visit. We have 6 in the state. I will attempt to see them all one day.

Must drive 80. My sanity comes into question once again while I was driving back home to Milwaukee. I learned that people do not know how to drive on the interstates. Slower traffic to the right, faster traffic in the left. People use the left lane to go around slower traffic in the right. Not a hard concept. Well one might assume that of course. At one point during my drive home I kept like yelling that I wanted to drive 80. Not entirely sure why. The speed limit was 65 most of the way. I was hellbent on doing 80. No I did not do 80 the entire way. There was one occasion when I got up to 85 though. Actually what kept happening is I am hoovering around 70 and people in front of me are doing 60-65 so I was constantly yelling at them that they needed to get the fuck out of my way cause I wanted to drive 80. Didn't work like that. The drive home was fine until I hit just outside Milwaukee. With all the stupid construction and people being idiots it ended up being a parking lot for a little bit. But obviously I did make it home.

Learned a lot about myself in those few days traveling just by driving. Talking to myself, the radio, the gps, and other drivers, I could probably make a good reality show. Driving with the Nick. That is fucking brilliant! The gps lady was pissing me off so much as I was trying to leave Milwaukee that I flipped her off. Did she see it? I am going to assume not but hell it was worth it! The point is that I had fun over the course of a few days. I got to do something that I've never done before and I make one hell of an awesome person to travel with cause of the random shit that I say and do. Making up random songs about how people suck at driving. Well you know the intro to "For Whom The Bell Tolls"? I was making up random lyrics about shitty drivers during that part.

Overall I say it was a fun and much needed trip. All the random shit that happened made it well worth it. I am looking forward to at some point planning out another trip like that.



3am again and I stand there and stare out the window. Most people are asleep at this time. Me, sometimes I am restless. Often I think too much. Staring out the window provides some odd comfort, it also gets me to think and to daydream.

I'm not the only one awake at that time. The window in question is the hallway window leading up to my room. It overlooks the end of our driveway, the garage, the backyard, and the parking slab. At this time of night I see plenty of animals roaming around our backyard. Rabbits are common. One time I saw an opossum running through the backyard. More recently I saw a huge skunk roaming around. See, not the only thing awake late at night.

Thoughts about my sister. I was suppose to write this last week and never got around to it. The 7th of this month marked the 5 year anniversary of my sister's first suicide attempt. On the 7th at 3am I went to the window to look out of it. My thoughts were of my sister. Most of the stuff she did that night 5 years ago were done in the middle of the night. I'd like to think I know what my sister was thinking and feeling that night but no one will ever know except for my sister. I will never think suicide or attempting suicide is the correct answer but I do understand it to a point. I'm sure I've talked about it in previous blogs. Anyways as I stand there looking out the window I wonder how my sister is feeling now that she is gone. Is she finally happy? Is she looking over us? Is she still sad? So many questions but never really getting an answer.

A little daydream in the middle of the night. The very next night I decided to stop by the window again. It was a bit windy that night so I opened up the window and let the chilly wind hit my face. It felt refreshing. I closed my eyes and let the breeze hit my face. I had a vision of me having a female companion by me. She walks up behind me to give me a hug. She asks me what I am doing and I reply I'm just looking out the window thinking. I then say to her lets go outside with a blanket and watch the stars. She replies with isn't it cold outside? I reply back with don't worry, we have each other. We go out into the backyard and set a blanket on the grass. We lay on the blanket and hold each other while looking up at the night sky to see the stars.

I really like that last part with the little day dream. If I believe in it enough then one day it will happen. I'll continue my 3am window viewing, if I am awake at that hour of the night.


A little rant

I see Wisconsin made the news again thanks to some 12 year old girls who decided to try to kill a friend of theirs. I noticed that they already started placing the blame on everything else except for the fact that these teenage girls may indeed be fucked up in the head. Who the hell at the age of 12 decides to plot out someone's death? Lets go and blame everything else about what might of happened instead of the actual source. Lets bash tv, movies, music, video games, etc for the acts of 2 disturbed 12 year olds. What about the parents? How in the hell did the parents not know any of this was going on? You know what I think? Lets blame the parents for fucking failing at their job as parents. Raising little psychopaths to run around. If they didn't succeed this time then they may of the next time around. Seriously though blaming this shit on random shit other then the actual source of the problem is annoying.

Let me tell you all a story of a 9 year old boy named Nicholas. He was very much into video games. He use to play this game called Police Quest and he would go up to females and ask them to have sex with him. Wow, this kid is going to grow up to be a rapist or something or a sex offender. He is going around in a video game asking chicks to have sex with him. Oh man we have a potential problem here. That is not even the worst part. He use to be obsessed with this game called Flight Simulator. Well nothing wrong with that right? He wants to be a pilot. Actually no, Nicholas liked to fly airplanes into buildings for hours. Oh man he should be on a list of possible terrorists by now, right? I mean 9 years old and all he wants to do is fly planes into buildings. That is a no-no. 26 years later however Nicholas still knows what right from wrong is and when he plays video games he does not apply to the real world. It is not hard to determine what is right and what is wrong, some people however just wanna watch the world burn.

Stop blaming video games and other shit such as the internet, movies, music, etc, cause not all of us turned out to be sick and demented psychopaths.