3/31/2012

T-Rex in the park

Yes I happen to think of the weirdest things when I am sitting outside. My thinking cap turns on when I am just sitting outside enjoying the air and gazing into the stars. I think everyone has their spot where they sit back and let their imagination run wild or they become deep in thought. Sitting outside is my place. Of course the last few days the weather has been kinda crappy. Welcome to Wisconsin. 80s one day and then 30s the next. Exactly what happened to us.

I was sitting outside and across the street is the park. I pictures a T-Rex all of a sudden appearing in the park and literally going ape shit. Craving a path of destruction throughout the park and then into the neighborhood. I tried to imagine how horrified people would be. I mean how would you react if you saw a T-Rex coming at you? I was sorta mixed on how I would react. I think I would be pretty terrified and then the other part of me was thinking well this is too movie like that I would die to some dinosaur so I may as well sit here and laugh about it. Do you think the methods that they used in Jurassic Park would save you? Like if you just sat still would he not see you and eat you? When faced with danger and possible death though I don't think most people would think to themselves oh gee if I stand still he won't see me!

The other side of this is me thinking what if I was the T-Rex? Now see I am not looking at this from the point of view that I want to rip people to shreds or go around and smash shit. When I think of a T-Rex I think of something fierce and intimating. I think if the T-Rex were still alive today people would be scared of them and show them respect. If they aren't getting eaten that is. So the T-Rex is appealing because I think people would respect them for their power and their strength and I would like to be more like that. Maybe not so much for power but for strength. It is an understatement to say I have been through a lot and I don't necessarily think I get enough credit sometimes. I've come to realize though that it doesn't even matter how people see me. As long as I think I am a strong person then that is all that should really matter. I suppose getting credit from time to time would be good.

As the weather gets nicer out and I spend more time outside I wonder what else I will come up with. Only time will tell I suppose. I haven't even really begun to touch upon everything that is going on in my mind.

3/22/2012

Temptation

Temptation, I think we all deal with this in our life. We all do things that we shouldn't and we are often influenced by other people to do these things. Sometimes we know better but I think it really depends on the person who is influencing you. Not easy to say no or I don't think I should be doing that. I think before we give it to someone who may be tempting you to do something that you normally wouldn't do that you really need to analyze the situation. I had these thoughts about it after a day dream I had while sitting outside. Sitting outside and thinking while just enjoying what is going on around me has influenced all of my recent blogs. This one is no exception.

I can't really call this a day dream cause this occured at night time while sitting outside but it is around the same idea as a day dream I suppose. I was sitting outside looking at the night time sky when I decided to close my eyes for a bit. Appearing to me was my grandma, my sister Mary, and my mom. They never appeared to me all at once at the same time. They started talking to me about life. Telling me that I can do whatever I set my mind too and that I need to remain strong. The message of be strong echoed out. They looked just as I remember them from the last time I saw them all alive. There was something else there though. There was a creature. The creature kept taking different forms. At one point it looked like the predator and then it looked like one of the demons from The Evil Dead. It had red eyes. I was not scared of this creature. I actually felt kinda amused that it was there listening into our conversation. I asked them why is there some random creature here that keeps on changing between the predator and one of the demons from The Evil Dead. The response that I got was that the name of the creature was Temptation. The message to me then was I was not suppose to allow Temptation to tempt me to stray off my present path. It will try to tempt me but I must not give in. I responded with I will not let Temptation tempt me. This is when I opened up my eyes. I felt calm and at peace. It was then I felt a strong breeze come across me. It was relaxing. I closed my eyes once again as if I knew the presence of loved ones were there. The breeze died down and I knew immediately I had to remember this incident and write about it.

The message to me is pretty clear. I can accomplish what I want to as long as I don't fall into temptation. I have to learn how to control my temptations and learn that once I set my sight on a path in my life that I need to stick with it. Straying away is ok as long as you can get back on the road you are on. Don't get knocked off the road completely though. The creature not scaring me makes me believe that I can overcome the challenges that I may face along the way. Be myself, be strong, do what I want and do not let anyone stand in the way of where you want to go. This is why I believe it is important to think about the dreams you have or moments like this. They really can tell you a lot about who you are and where you are going.

Marshmallow

Marshmallows, good to eat. Nice and soft. Really good for smores. Has anyone ever stopped to think what if marshmallows had feelings? I know it sounds crazy but what if that marshmallow that you are devouring in your mouth actually could feel. What do you think it would be thinking? I suppose no one has even put themselves in the situation as if they were being food left for people to devour. After a recent cookout that we had I pondered this question of mine.

You ever just throw a marshmallow into the grill and watch it burn and go up in flames? I did and I thought about what it would be like if it had actual feelings like us. Burning alive until there is nothing left. Turning dark and crisp. The hot flame. Oh how it must burn. If marshmallows could scream out in pain do you think they would? I can imagine the pains and screams of agony would be so severe. I would think that anyone watching this marshmallow burn would feel a little bit of sympathy or think hey maybe we shouldn't be doing this. It is not right. The marshmallow would feel completely helpless and alone. No one is going to save it and lets face reality it can't really save itself anyways. It is pretty much doomed as soon as it hits that flame. Death would be agonizing and painful. For what purpose does this marshmallow die for? None other then our own amusement because we want a bigger flame and we have absolute control over the marshmallow.

What about the eating and roasting the marshmallow aspect of all of this? Normally people roast a marshmallow to eat or for smores. I guess the hidden pyro in me likes to see them burn to a crisp on the hot charcoal. Can you imagine being on the end of a stick or whatever the person is using knowing that you are about to die and be devoured? The pain and suffering. Being at someone's mercy and not being able to do anything about it. They probably hope that the pain and suffering is quick. I imagine some people like to play around with the marshmallows though. Constantly poking them with a stick due to them having some cheap thrill that they actually can poke something without real consequences. Putting them near the hot coals and setting them on fire and then blowing out the fire to rinse and repeat. The marshmallow probably feels like he is saved only to be let down once again by some murderous marshmallow lover. Oh and the whole eating part must be totally horrible. Feeling like they are being ripped to shreds. Having themselves being pulled apart. If the person is having smores the marshmallow gets smashed between two graham crackers and hersey chocolate and then quickly devoured. Oh how tragic the life of a marshmallow must be knowing that someone out there one day is going to devour you without any regard for how you are feeling.

The truth is marshmallows do not have feelings but people do. Sometimes I feel like I am this marshmallow.

Like a bird

Did you ever wonder would it would be like to be a bird? Probably not the first animal people think of when asked the question 'if you could be any animal what would you be?'. I know I had never thought about it. I always wanted to be something like a tiger so if someone pissed me off or something I could just rip them to shreds. While I was outside one day I pondered the question though as I was watching some birds fly in the sky. What would it be like to be a bird?

First thing I thought of was the flying aspect. Birds seem to have a lot of freedom and go wherever they want. They get to fly wherever and whenever. They can fly high up into the sky. I imagine getting out of danger would be a bit easier as a bird too. Someone gets too close to put you in danger you just fly away unless of course they injure you somehow. Being able to fly from place to place though is what I would like. Can you imagine the view that birds have being up so high in the sky? Oh that must be breathtaking. A couple of downsides I can see about flying in the sky. People might try to shoot you out of the sky. You are flying along and then bam gunshot and you fall out of the sky. What about trying to fly during a thunderstorm? I imagine getting struck by lightning would suck. Would be just my luck too of course. Oh how about flying around and swooping down too low and getting hit by a car? Ok so with everything danger clouds the appeal but what is life without a little danger?

Second thing I thought of and people are going to have to admit this will appeal to you. People piss us off, people use us, people are just generally assholes to us, etc. It happens. No matter what you do to avoid it you can't. Sometimes we want revenge or we just want to tell them to go fuck themselves. Well as a bird you can do this. I don't know about everyone else but I know if I was a bird I would be going around crapping on people as I am flying around. I wouldn't just pick random people or well maybe I would just for shits and giggles but I am sure being pooped on by a bird would be pretty good revenge. You shit on me I will shit right back on you type thing. People can't sit here and tell me that this isn't somewhat appealing? Flying around crapping on people who have done you wrong. I know it appeals to me.

One thing I am not sure I am cool about is what birds eat. Worms and insects mainly. I can do without that. I suppose though my line of thinking comes from the birds we see on a daily basis. Now lets say if I was a bird of prey then maybe the eating part wouldn't be so bad. Like an Eagle. Eagles stand out to me because they are beautiful creatures. Most birds are pretty anyways so that is another appeal of being a bird. Ok so I suppose I decided that if I was going to be a bird I would be something like an Eagle so I didn't have to eat just insects and worms all the time. Since the majority of their diet is fish and I like fish that could totally work for me.

Being a bird appeals to me because of all that I have said above. I think I really like the freedom a bird has. They can go wherever whenever they want. I feel like I would like to escape sometimes and not have a care in the world. I wish I could fly away and maybe fly to the top of a mountain and be like wow this is amazing. So if I had to pick an animal I'd want to be like I would pick a bird. I know people can't escape their problems by running away but being able to fly away for a bit and have some time and freedom to yourself sounds really really nice.

3/14/2012

The unexplainable explained?

It is almost always the same. There is fear, anger, frustration, and sadness. Sometimes it seems as if there is a cry for help. There is a sense of grief and wondering if I could of done more to help and prevent it. I am not sure anyone really could of though. People tried to let her in but we were pushed away. Then it was too late. She was gone.

Ever since my sister Mary passed away I have had pretty much almost identical dreams just about every other night or some times every night. It is usually the same theme. Not much variety at all. In the dreams it is like I know she is dead and I am in shock to see her in the house. In some cases I am pretty pissed off. In some dreams she is moving back into the house and I am filled with such rage. The majority of them though share the same common elements. She is acting the way she was when she was alive. Angry, depressed, and pissed off at everyone in the world. It is everyone's fault but her own.

Last night's dream was no different then the others. She is pissed off and she is annoying everyone by complaining about her life. My mother and my father are finally fed up with her and it leads to a confrontation. She brings me into the conversation bitching about things that I am doing. Unlike what use to happen when she was alive I fight back. I fight back verbally. Most of the dreams I fight back verbally. Some dreams though I get rather violent. In the dream I figured it was the last straw and she would be forced to leave this house. Instead my parents decide to help her and I go into a frenzy and have to be held back from attacking her. That is where the dream ends. In some of my dreams though I do get violent and I believe in a few I have even killed her.

These dreams disturb me. At times I would rather not go to sleep at night because I'd rather not dream these same things repeatedly. This is not how I want to remember my sister. Before all of her drug problems me and her actually had what I would call a decent relationship. I miss those days. At least though I can hold onto those memories. I can't say I have completely forgotten about the bad times though. Maybe that is the reason for the dream? I think it is much deeper then that.

I think the dreams are telling me a bunch of things. Because of the nature of my sister's death I think she may be trapped here. There are always unexplained things going on in this house. I don't think she has left this house. I think on her part there is a lot of guilt and sadness for what had happened. In a way maybe she is sorry for everything. Maybe she misses us too. She is probably looking for forgiveness. I do forgive her though. I just want her to be happy and at peace. I also think she is trying to tell me that it is ok to stand up for myself. I let people walk all over me and I always will but yet in my dreams with her I stand firm and I fight back for what I believe in. Maybe there is a lesson to be learned here? Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself for whatever it is you feel.

I also think that with her urn being in the house this might be adding to some of it. I am not sure my sister would want to be sitting around on some bookcase like she is on display to people. She probably would of wanted a proper burial. Maybe this is causing some of her unrest. This is just something I sorta concluded myself. I went up to the urn today and before I put my hand on it I closed my eyes and cleared my head. As soon as I touched it I had the biggest chill go up my arm all the way down my back and I felt immediate sadness. I am not sure other people would have the same experience but I stand by my belief that it is time to give Mary the proper burial that she deserves. If it doesn't help maybe at least it will ease my mind.

Whatever is going on though with the dreams, the activity in the house, and just going by my gut feeling with this one I think it is time for Mary to move on. She needs to be at peace and try to be happy. Maybe she needs to be guided in the direction of the light. If that is the case I hope that my mother and grandma help her find her way. Go to the light Mary. Be with mom and grandma and others again.

One other thing I wanted to talk about. I have had many paranormal experiences throughout my life. I pretty much have said to people that I thought someone was kinda following me or latching onto me for whatever reason. It is just one of those feelings you get that you can not necessarily explain but you just know it is right. I thought about it today while thinking about this Mary thing and I can't be really sure if I am totally right but this may explain quite a bit. I realize people who do not believe in the paranormal or ghosts or spirits may think I am crazy and maybe I am but this is just what I am feeling right now.

Back in the day around the age of 5, and I am pretty sure I wrote about this in a previous blog or something, there was an incident with the neighbor who was an old man. He was always really nice to me. I use to pick up pine cones for him and I am pretty sure he gave me candy and whatnot. To make a long story short one day I decided to be a brat and I started throwing pine cones at him and his house. He ended up falling off the porch and later on that night he ended up passing away. I felt bad about it but I was also really young and just didn't know any better. I thought it was funny to throw stuff at old people. Anyways getting back to my original story. I thought about it today and I am not too sure about the time table of when I started experiencing weird stuff but I have concluded that it is quite possible that some of my experiences started after his death. Here is where the story takes a turn though. About 10 years ago when I was first getting into ghost hunting I was talking to some guy about joining up and whatnot and this guy didn't know me but he claimed to be a psychic. I was fishy about it but then he described to me in detail about a tornado dream I had. I had recurring dreams about tornadoes but never really talked about it. It really caught me off guard. He also said something about me having an old man who was like attached to me. I didn't think anything of it until today. I sorta put all of this together and it just clicked. If there is really an old man following me around could it possibly be this same guy? I guess in a way it would make sense. Before his death this old man took a liking to me. I helped him out a lot. Maybe he felt some responsibility to look after me after he passed away. I have nothing to go on though. I have no names, nothing. I am sure though I could possibly obtain this information. Maybe this is the missing piece of the puzzle for me? Time will tell. Sounds like a good theory at least. It may just be nothing at all. I could possibly just be hoping for something. I don't know though. There is something tugging at me telling me that this is a very good possibility.

Let me add some more into the mix though. Today is the 13th and I came to all these conclusions/opinions on the 13th. Why is that important? If anyone really knows me they know that the number 13 has popped up a lot in my life. I will give a few examples. My parents were married on Jan 13th, my street address is 1313, my mom's defibrillator went off 13 times (none of which she knew about), on Feb 10th 1992 I had a major operation and then on the same day 13 years later I got a divorce. There are more but I think everyone gets my point. I know there is coincidence but at some point it becomes more then just a coincidence.

I am curious as to what people are going to think about all of this but yet at the same time it doesn't matter all too much I suppose. People will most likely be quick to call me crazy or think I am just grasping at stuff. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions. As am I. Maybe I am not totally right about everything but there is something telling me I have a good grasp on what I am thinking. I hope I can uncover more.