Goodbye 2012 hello 2013

The end of 2012 is upon us. In less then 3 hours now 2013 will be here. Goodbye 2012 hello 2013. Every single year on this day I sit back and I reflect on what happened throughout the past year and I try to determine if it was a good or bad year. 2012 for me personally was an interesting year. Some ups and some downs mixed in with some good stuff and some that you would categorize as bad. Overall though I believe 2012 for me was one of the better years in a long time. Not only cause I got some important stuff done but a lot of it has to do with my attitude adjustment as a whole. No I am not perfect but I feel like my mood towards a lot of things have changed over the past year. Personally I think I changed quite a bit over the past year. I am sure not many people will see it but eh the only person that it should matter to is myself. As I said in my facebook status today "I like the direction" that I am heading. It is a true statement. I think 2013 is going to be a good year. See people always say they wish that the next year is going to be good for them. Don't wish for it, make it happen.

Uneventful New Years here. I am fine with it. Although there is one tradition I miss. When I was a teenager every single year on this day we went moonlight bowling. It was a fun tradition. I remember when 1999 began I started that year off with a strike. I thought hey this means this year is going to be great. 2 days later when I was suppose to be moving to Florida a 15 inch snowstorm struck and we had to change plans. Ended up taking a 48 hour train trip from hell to get from Wisconsin to Florida. Come to think of it the 2 times I moved from Wisconsin to Florida ended up being rough. First time was the snowstorm and then the second time around our car broke down in Georgia costing us our entire savings. I think someone was trying to tell me not to move to Florida. Sorry I got a bit off track there. It is uneventful here. I am sitting in the kitchen on the laptop writing this blog while my father is watching some war history thing on tv. We had a nice dinner tonight though. Made my first ever ham, it turned out good. We had some shrimp, polish sausage, cut up sausage and cheese. Yes a lot of food for 2 people but hey we have food to eat for the week now. I'll probably play some WoW and then watch the ball drop and probably head to bed. I sure do miss the moonlight bowling on New Years though. Maybe next year?

I don't want to make this a terribly long blog so I am going to just add a few more things. I do have a New Year's resolution. People don't believe in making them cause they will never stick to them anyways. Well I am pretty sure the one I made last year I stuck with it through the whole year and made it come true. I am pretty sure my resolution last year was to constantly tell myself that it was going to be a good year and for all intents and purposes it was a fairly decent year. So my resolution for the upcoming year is a simple three words. "To be better". What do I mean by that? It is simple really. It is me basically saying that anything I am going to try to do I can try to be better whether it is playing guitar better or being a better person or whatever. It is totally doable. It just really is me wanting to be better. Simple resolution enough I believe.

So I want to end this blog with me making some predictions for the upcoming year. This is going to be totally random and some stuff that I think of off the top of my head. A year from now lets see how many of these actually come true. Enjoy.

  • Packers will play the Seahawks in the NFC Championship game
  • Packers beat the Broncos in the Super Bowl
  • Metallica will play at Summerfest
  • I will find a decent job
  • I will finish "The Nick Project"
  • I will continue to get better at guitar
  • I will either join or start a band
  • I will get down to "my ideal" weight. I believe that is about another 30-40 pounds
  • There will be more doomsday predictions. Oh yeah Dec 21st 2012 never did happen. Yay us!
  • I will meet someone. Ok I don't mean that in I will meet friends but I will meet someone and be in a relationship.
  • I will make some new friends
  • A year from now I expect my life will be totally different but different in a good way

I actually thought of more earlier when I was thinking up this blog but I forgot them. Anyways Happy New Year everyone. Be safe!


Almost 5 months later

Well if I was intending on keeping up with my blog I have done a rather crappy job of it. Here it is almost 5 months later and this is the first time I have written anything in that period of time. I didn't lose interest in my writing I just well I really don't know why I haven't written in so long. No matter, here I am. Let me get you all up to speed on what has happened, I have a lot to cover.

Back in July my father was diagnosed with congestive heart failure. Kinda threw me for a loop. My mother had heart troubles and her heart transplant and the medication she was on ultimately led to her getting cancer. I have remained pretty cool for the most part about this though. I try to spend more time with my father as of late cause well and I hate to put it like this you never know what the next day might bring.

I loss my job at Pick N Save back in August. Yeah I really don't want to get into this one. It did get to a point where I was rather unhappy so I suppose it was a welcome thing. The not making money part wasn't really a "welcome thing" however.

Few days after I lost my job I ended up getting cellulitis. Actually it happened on the day I was suppose to go to the Evanesence show. Yep I was not too happy. Although I am happy that as fast as I got it I got rid of it cause well in some cases if cellulitis is not treated you can die. I woke up that Tuesday morning feeling sick to my stomach and I had horrible aches and pains. Then I felt bonecrushing chills up and down my body. Seriously I was literally shaking for an hour straight. It was horrible. I spent I believe about 20 hours of a 24 hour period laying down trying to sleep. I was totally wiped out. The next day I feel ok but then my leg felt like it was on fire. I had this painful rash. I thought it was a bug bite or something. The following day it was pointed out to me that I may have cellulitis and I should go get it checked out immediately. So I went to urgent care and that is exactly what I had. Apparently though I had also passed a kidney stone, which was probably the real reason why I had some intense stomach pains on Tuesday morning. I was put on pills for both things. Good thing I lost my job cause cellulitis put me out of commission for about 10 days. While on the antibiotics it is recommended to not do much of anything.

Towards the end of the cellulitis thing I was getting paranoid that it was coming back or was getting worse cause my skin was feeling tingly and warm in a lot of places especially my other uneffected leg. I started having a massive panic attack cause I felt I was getting worse. Literally on the night before my pills ran out I had worked myself up into so much paranoia and a frenzy that I was having symptoms of a heart attack, a fever, and coming down with the flu or something. It was absolutely terrible. So to ease my own nerves we went to urgent care the following day. Nothing was wrong. Since I was on powerful antibiotics it was effecting my system to make me feel somewhat weird. It was perfectly normal. The fever, flu like symptoms, and anything else was all just me being overly paranoid. Told people I have bad anxiety and that just proves it.

After that I started following up with one of the nurses who works there. I was put on pills for high blood pressure. My bp has been fine outside of visiting the clinic and well since then I feel a lot less stressed and whatnot. I started going for walks just about every morning. Of course now that it is winter out here in Wisconsin I don't get the chance to go for walks much anymore. I am going to start substituting walks with riding on the exercise bike though for now. I miss my walks. I was also put on a pill to help out with diabetes. No I don't officially have diabetes. It is a precautionary thing right now to help me not get it. The pills I am on at first it made me feel sick to my stomach but they actually do help out a lot with curbing my appetite. I am not perfect with my eating atm though. It is the holiday season though, who is perfect with their diet? I have become more of a salad eater though since all of this happened. Ok, where is Nick and what have you done with him? A salad eater? Wtf! I am not sure if I have lost much weight. At times I think I am, which btw I never check the scale cause I hate that damn thing. I do know that last time I weighed myself the scale was about 28 pounds difference from our scale to the one at the doctor's office. So maybe I have been doing something right. I go back to the doctor in I think March.

I know this sounds all doom and gloom so far but trust me everything isn't doom and gloom. My attitude in general about a lot of things have changed dramatically. Yes I will bitch and complain about something but I may do that for a minute or two then I move on. Negativity was something that totally consumed me for a very long time and now I can just not stand to be negative. I can not stand negativity at all. In fact when I look back and how I have been for a long time I wonder how I never punched myself in the face or how nobody else did. I am sorry that anyone had to deal with that cause that is totally not who I am. I am still discovering who I am and what I want to do but a big change from who I once was to who I am now is that most mornings I wake up with a smile on my face ready to take on whatever comes next.

I figured I would end the blog with something good. With the new year approaching I believe my next blog is going to be about my predictions for the upcoming year. Should be fun to see what I may get right or wrong....but that is not what I wanted to talk about before closing this blog. This year I have been working on what I call "The Nick Project". It won't be entirely done before the end of the year but that is ok I have something to shoot for in 2013 but I did finish one major thing off the project list. Back in September I finally went for my road test and got my driver's license. Around the time my father got "sick" I decided it was about time to prepare myself for the possibility that...well I am not even going to say it but I am sure everyone knows what I am getting at. So one thing I wanted and needed to take care of was driving. In August I started taking driving lessons. It had been like 9 years since I last got behind the wheel of a car. I went for lessons through the end of September and then finally on the 25th of September I went for my first road test and passed. Wasn't a pretty road test but I did good enough to pass. I was way too nervous and overly cautious but at least I got that done. Many people over the years said many times I would never drive and that I could not do it so when I did finally go and take my test and I got my license I felt as if it was a major victory for me. Not cause I proved many people wrong but because I proved myself wrong for even agreeing with people who felt I didn't have it in me. See ultimately I have it in me to do whatever it is I want, I just have to find ways to bring it out and let things happen.


Summer Concerts

Been meaning to write a blog with a review for the Aerosmith concert I went to but just haven't gotten around to it. Since that concert I went to another concert, Neon Trees, so I figure I would just combine these two shows into one writing. I think I was more into going to the Iron Maiden show which is why that blog is pretty long. Not saying I was not looking forward to Aerosmith or Neon Trees just I was really overly excited about Maiden.

For Aerosmith we went to Summerfest on a Saturday. Summerfest is absolutely packed on a weekend. It was sorta ridiculous. It was more like a mob scene then anything else. Oh and getting out of that place on a Saturday night is just insane. Took us nearly an hour to get out of that crap and get to our bus. Thankfully the show overshadowed that experience.

Cheap Trick was the opening act for Aerosmith. I don't know much by them at all other then "Surrender" and "I Want You to Want Me" but they were pretty good. I always like listening to bands that I don't know so well because a lot of the time it introduces me to music I haven't really listened to before.

Aerosmith was really good too. I am surprised that they did not play some of their more well known songs but they stuck to older songs that some people may not know. I was fine with that but I know some people complained cause they were playing stuff that they didn't know. Obviously though if they were a bigger fan of the group they would know of their older stuff too and not just their popular songs? Am I wrong in thinking that? Anyways they put on a good show and for Steven Tyler being as old as he is he can still definitely sing. Two of my favorite Aerosmith songs "Sweet Emotion" and "Dream On" were played with me thinking that "Dream On" was easily the best song of the night. Of course I would say that though cause I love that song. Overall great show. Was not disappointed.

This past Saturday we went to Wisconsin State Fair to see the band Neon Trees. Neon Trees is a band I was not all too familar with. I had listened to some of their songs and they sounded cool but I just didn't know them all too well. Not knowing a band all too well doesn't stop me from going to see them live. Plus it was a chance to go to State Fair for the first time in 17 years.

The venue at State Fair is a pretty small one but it is setup not too bad. It is mainly set up for smaller bands. We were pretty close to the stage, 8 rows from the stage to be exact. The opening band for Neon Trees was Shiny Toy Guns. I had never even heard of them before. They actually were pretty decent. I liked what I heard. Plus they have a chick singer. I don't know what it is about chick singers and rock bands but damn they are usually hot! Well in my opinion of course. Anyways they have some good songs. I looked them up on spotify on Sunday and added their songs to my ever growing playlist.

Guess I am not surprised that I enjoyed the Neon Trees set. Their lead singer has a lot of energy. He danced around the stage and sounded pretty damn good. I would describe their music as alternative rock with an 80s feel sometimes in their songs. I love 80s music so it was a good mix for me. I think some people were only at the show for the first band cause quite a few people took off before and during Neon Trees. It was actually kinda nice cause I had no one next to me. Tons of space to be comfortable! I did recognize a few of the songs that Neon Trees played like "Trust" and "Everybody Talks". I thought "Trust" was one of the better songs that they performed live during the show. The lead singer from Neon Trees interacted a lot with the crowd. At one point he told everyone in the bleachers cause they were so far spread out that they should all slide over to the middle bleacher section. I thought that was pretty cool. Overall a good show and Neon Trees is a band I recommend people seeing. They aren't too heavy and they aren't too soft but they are definitely a band that you can definitely groove to.

Next up for concerts for me is Evanescence with Chevelle and Halestorm. Halestorm has become a band that I have listened to a lot over the past few months. Good music definitely. I like some Chevelle songs and I have never seen them before. We all know how I feel about Evanescence and Amy Lee. If I have a chance to be in the same room with Amy Lee I am definitely going to try to take it! Should be a great show. I am not looking forward to going to the Rave for it but I will deal with it just to see Amy Lee again!

I have been blessed in the past few months while getting back into the concert scene. I got to see Marilyn Manson, Primus, Iron Maiden, Aerosmith, and Neon Trees. As long as good bands keep coming to Milwaukee I will keep trying to go.


Running to the Hills with Iron Maiden

July 4th was the hottest day here in Milwaukee in 17 years. It hit 102 degrees that day. I also had to work what was a grueling 8am to 3pm shift at work. None of this would stop me from venturing to Summerfest for the first time in 14 years to see a band that I have been listening to for the past 20 years named Iron Maiden.

Iron Maiden has been a band that I have listened to on and off for it seems like forever. I can't even tell you what the first song I heard by them was. I am pretty sure the first album I listened to though was "The Number of the Beast". Then I was introduced to albums such as "Seventh Son of a Seventh Son", "Peace of Mind", and "Powerslave". When "Fear of the Dark" came out I liked that album, well the majority of the album, and the title track of that album became a favorite of mine to this day. I always thought it would be awesome to see them live. Lots of people have told me that Maiden is amazing live and would probably be the best show that I have ever went to. Then back in February it was announced that Maiden was going to be playing July 4th at Summerfest. I knew I had to go to this show. In the time leading up to the show I listened to more Maiden then usual. I always liked Maiden but during this time they really begun to grow on me. Even 20 years after I had first starting listening to them it at times seems like I was just discovering a new band. I thought to myself maybe I should of paid more attention over the years to the music, the lyrics, the vocals, the guitars, etc. I knew even before I got to Summerfest that day that I would be apart of something special.

We got to Summerfest and inside of the Marcus to see a sea of people with their Iron Maiden shirts on. I have one but for whatever reason i did not wear it. I hadn't been to the Marcus to see a show in 16 years. Last show I saw at that venue was White Zombie, Pantera, and The Deftones. That was one wild show but enough bout that. It was nice to see my nephew Josh sitting in the bleachers in the seats right next to us. Funny story. The day I bought our tickets I found out he was going too. As we were talking on facebook we discovered that his friend had gotten tickets right next to us. Talk about a weird coincidence. His friend apparently had bought tickets an hour after I bought ours. It was pretty hot in there since it was a hot day outside. Every now and then there was a cool breeze for relief but it was not going to help.

Alice Cooper took the stage. I have known some of his songs since I was like 8 or 9 years old. I don't know much by him but I do know "the hits". I was pleasantly surprised how well he sounded and his stage show was pretty entertaining. He played through songs that I knew so I had a chance to sing along to some of his songs. Towards the end of the set he was decapitated but then came back out to finish off his set with "Schools Out" which was mixed in with some lines from Pink Floyd's "Another Brick in the Wall" which I thought was pretty damn cool. You never expect much from an opening band but Alice Cooper was the perfect fit and perfect opener for Maiden. The stage had been set for what was going to come.

When I heard the music of UFO's "Doctor, Doctor" I knew Maiden was about to hit the stage. The lights went out and there was a little film dedicated to their current tour. Their current tour is based off of the 1989 tour Maiden England. Same theme and about 60% of their set list. It was based off "Seventh Son of a Seventh Son" album which was fine with me since I liked that album a lot. The opening music of "Moonchild" hit and I had the biggest smile on my face. I felt a bit weird. I am at a metal show and I am smiling. I suppose though I can compare seeing one of my favorite bands to being a kid and opening up an Xmas gift. Immediately I was amazed at how great they sounded live and the stage show was everything I expected it to be. I sang along and cheered to the songs I had been listening to 20 years. I can't even really begin to put into words how much of an amazing experience it was to hear this band live. Frankly Iron Maiden sounds better live in my opinion then they do on record. Even a song like the song "Iron Maiden" sounded awesome live. I like that song but it was never a song that I like listened to on a consist basis. Another pleasant surprise for me was the song "Phantom of the Opera". The song is on their first record but I honestly never gave that album the time of day cause Bruce Dickinson wasn't the singer when Maiden first started. That was a mistake on my part cause I really did miss out on what is a classic Maiden song. After the concert this has become a song that I can not stop listening to.

Bruce Dickinson sounded awesome. Well to be totally honest everyone in the band sounded great not just Bruce. Bruce was all over the stage running around and singing. Nicko Mcbrain is an amazing drummer. He is one of the best drummers in my opinion. Then you have the 3 guitarists. How awesome is it for one band to have three guitarists. I will be honest I never gave much attention to how great Adrian Smith, Dave Murray, and Janick Gers are. Now I find myself wanting to learn Maiden songs on guitar and well I sorta have. Been working on the beginning to "2 Minutes to Midnight". Who hasn't wanted to learn how to play that guitar riff at the beginning of the song? Steve Harris is a great bass player. He runs around and sings backup vocals and whatnot. Let me not forget to mention how great of songwriters these guys are. If people were to ask me to recommend them what heavy metal bands to listen to are I would off the top of my head name Iron Maiden, Metallica, Judas Priest, and Black Sabbath.

The night was hotter then hell. I had sweat dripping off of me and I am pretty sure I felt like at one point I was not going to make it through the show. I also felt like I couldn't sing or scream or whatever else I was doing. I had no energy left to give but I had to. It was Iron Maiden and they sounded great and it was like the music demanded me to give every last ounce of energy to enjoy what was going on. Greatest concert I have been to. Hands down the best. I had an awe struck moment too. When they went into the encore and played "Aces High" with the Churchill speech, it was one of those wow I can't believe I am here hearing and seeing this live. I had heard that song and the intro to it many many times but on this night it took on a whole new meaning and felt more special.

20 years ago when I went to Summerfest and the Marcus for the first time to see Metallica they for 20 years held the title of best band I have seen live. Metallica is great and they will always be near the top of the list but on July 4th Iron Maiden overtook Metallica as the best live band that I have seen. Funny that for 20 years Metallica kept that title and then at what ended up being my 20th concert Maiden takes the number one spot for me. I recommend everyone, well people who like harder music, to see Iron Maiden at least once in their lifetime. Even if you only know one or two songs by them they do not disappoint live.

July 4th with Iron Maiden will be a night I will remember for a long time to come.

Can I Play With Madness
The Prisoner
2 Minutes to Midnight
Afraid to Shoot Strangers
The Trooper
The Number of the Beast
Phantom of the Opera
Run to the Hills
Wasted Years
Seventh Son of a Seventh Son
The Clairvoyant
Fear of the Dark
Iron Maiden

Churchill's Speech
Aces High
The Evil That Men Do
Running Free



I decided for the rest of this month to name my blogs with four letter titles since the other two blogs for this month have been four letter words. I haven't had a chance to update as much as I would like since my life has become a bit busy in the past few weeks. I am not complaining though. I like keeping busy especially since it is in the form of my new job. Which is what this blog is going to mainly be about.

Work has went well so far. It has been a hard adjustment getting back into working shape though. I am sore and tired as hell most nights with a lot of problems with my feet and legs hurting. It is ok though. I will get use to it. You figure I went about 7 years without working so my body is probably telling me dude what the hell are you doing to me at the moment. I have only been working mainly 7 hour shifts. Usually around the 4 hour mark is when I start hurting. I am thankful for having that tub that we have though. It helps out quite a bit.

The actual work. It is stuff that I am use to doing. The store is bigger then Publix and of course with any new store you have to get use to the way they do things and how it is different then what you are use to. Knowing where things are in the store takes awhile to learn to. I am getting there but since it is a big store it will take awhile. The frozen food and dairy sections are bigger then what I am use to at Publix. I always hated facing dairy at Publix but this dairy section, oh my god takes forever to face. Then again I probably try to make it look too perfect. I've been mainly over in grocery but they have me running around doing a lot of things. Usually stocking in grocery, wearing the headset and taking calls for grocery, I've worked in frozen and dairy, and on occasion I get called up to bag. Last Saturday I pretty much spent my entire day bagging. I don't actually mind bagging all too much. So I feel like I am back at Sentry cause this is what I was doing there but at Sentry I was also working in produce part of the time. Of course with stocking there is a lot of lifting and pulling hence why I am sore.

The people. So far I like the people I have encountered. The managers seem pretty decent so far. My grocery manager Tim is pretty cool. I've always gotten along with any grocery managers I have had though so I am not surprised. Well with the exception of the last assistant grocery manager I had at Publix. Think his name was Derek. I did not like him. In fact before I left Florida I had went into Publix and since I was like leaving soon he wanted to shake my hand and I refused. He said "it is going to be like that?" and I said "yeah I don't like you". Normally I am not that direct with someone. If I don't like someone I just usually don't talk to them or associate with them. I stay away from them. I don't know why I decided to tell Derek I did not like him but I am getting off track now with talking about that. All the managers seem cool though. They seem to say thank you a lot for doing some of the things you do. I am not really use to that. I have gotten that before from some of my previous managers but it seems to be on a constant basis so far at this job. I like that. I like hearing I am doing a good job. I think it tends to make someone motivated to continue to work to the best of their abilities.

Not everything is peachy though. I still have to deal with customers. I won't get into detail about it but anyone who has worked in retail before know that dealing with customers can and will get annoying from time to time. So it is the typical bullshit everyone goes through. I can do without the work uniform too. Having to wear a white long sleeve shirt and a tie while stocking kinda sucks. Long sleeve shirts during the summer is retarded. I get that they want us to look professional but it doesn't mean that I have to like it. Then I had the incident with the girl in floral department yesterday. Anytime I have to fill something in the lobby I drag my pallete of crap through the floral department. Yes it is a tight space to go through but it is also the most direct easiest path to get to my destination. I figure as long as I don't go through there like it is a destruction derby that it should be no big deal and it hasn't been, that is until yesterday. So I was moving stuff through there and on the third time that I had gone through there I bumped a display of flowers. I did not knock anything over. It kinda just got bumped a bit. Well the chick gave me the look of death. I said I was sorry. A few minutes later she comes over by me and proceeds to give me a lecture about dragging palletes through floral and how I am not suppose to do it and how I can get in trouble and whatnot. She took longer explaining that I should not drag stuff through there then it did to fix what I had bumped. All she had to do was say hey next time please don't drag a pallete through floral cause you really are not suppose to do it. That is all I really needed. I didn't need an explanation about it. I didn't need a lecture. Just a please do not do it again would of been good enough. Anyways I figure if these are my major gripes about the job so far then all is well. Oh yeah and I hate wearing the headset. It gets in my way all the time.

It feels good to be a part of the working world again making some money. This past week I worked about 34 hours. My longest work week in almost 7 years. Course I have off today and the next 2 days but I can't complain. I am working again. That is the most important thing. It is also the beginning of many great things to come for me.



I am not entirely sure why but I have been walking around saying the word rawr. I wake up in the morning and I say rawr. I greet my cats by saying rawr. I go into the spare room to either play guitar or hop on xbox to watch netflix or something and I say rawr. I just randomly sit here and say rawr. I go in the bathroom and say rawr. I look in the mirror and say rawr. I greet people online by saying rawr. I don't know what this obsession is with saying the word rawr. There is no apparent reason why I keep saying it. It is just one of those random Nick things I suppose.

So I may as well start with the big news. I saved 15% by switching to Geico. Ok not really. I got a job. It was the one I talked about in my last blog before my zombie story. Face to face interview went fine. They did a background check and that went fine. Thank God they didn't find out about the face eating incident that happened while I was in Florida. Oh wait, that wasn't me. I officially start on Wednesday. For the moment this is only a part time job. That is ok. I needed to just get something. I will be working in mainly frozen and dairy. That is exactly what I wanted.

It has been a rather long time since I worked. To be exact it has been almost 7 years. I am not going to sit here and talk about why it has been so long as I don't really want to dwell on it and drag other crap up. I am just really excited to get back out there in the working world. Plus it will be nice to meet new people and possibly make some new friends. Who knows maybe I will meet my future wife working there! Yeah ok I totally am not even thinking about that at the moment.

In the past few months I have been saying in my blogs how things are going to change for me and how I may surprise people. People have a hard time taking me seriously. I totally get why. It took me a very long time to be properly motivated and start to move ahead with a lot of things I wanted to do. I knew I was starting to head into the right direction and now with me getting this job it only confirms what I have been saying. I am not done though. I still have a list of things on the agenda. Getting a job was one of the main things and now I will continue to go through my list and get stuff accomplished. At this point the words fail or failure do not exist. I had a quote a few months back, a new way of living so to speak. Replace I can not do this with I will not fail. I keep the paper that I wrote that down on my computer desk in my room so I can see everytime I am at the computer.

Also written on that piece of paper is someone saying "Nick will never change". No Nick will not change specifically for people but Nick will change for himself and I have changed. I have changed on my terms and for myself not for anybody else and not because someone told me that I had to. To the specific person who said I was never going to change I want to say two things. Thank you. You saying I would never change was motivation enough to not only proof you wrong but maybe in a way to destroy any doubts that I may of had about my ability to change things around in my life. I know now for sure that I can change to better my own life. Secondly I just want to say...kiss my ass. I don't need to explain that one any further.

For a long time I was heading on a road to nowhere. Now I am on a different road. I am happy and I am excited about where it may head next. The journey will be the fun part. I know life is not perfect but I don't expect it to be perfect. I expect life to be as good as what you put into it. The more I put into it the better it has become.



I woke up this morning and decided for a change I would go outside and bring in the newspaper before anyone else had a chance. As I got outside I was greeted with an unpleasant surprise. Over a hundred feet away my neighbor was huddled over what appeared to be an old lady. It looked like he was eating her face. I was in absolute shock and I was in horror. Zombies? They aren't supposed to be real but here it was, a guy eating some poor old lady. What should I do? Call the police? Go get him off of her? Or just ignore it and lock myself in my house in hopes that he would never see me. I started to back up towards the door and that is when he lifted his head up and turned his head to look directly at me.

His face was a greyish color. It was covered with the old lady's blood. I went into panic mode and started trying to think how would I handle this zombie encounter. I've only dealt with them in video games such as Left 4 Dead. How can my Left 4 Dead training save me here? I had nothing around to grab to defend myself. Sure there is a bench on the porch but that would be too heavy to pick up. Suddenly the zombie screams out the word "FACE". He got up very slowly and started to move towards me while still saying the word "FACE". He was walking with a limp so maybe if I wanted to I would get away from him no problem. It was then in this moment of panic that the most brilliant idea ever came to me.

He seemed to be somewhat intelligent. Maybe I could talk him out of eating my face? So I said to him "hey dude maybe I can help you out. It seems like you are a hungry". As he is slowly itching closely he says the word "face" again. I said "dude seriously, my face is kinda pretty. You can't eat it. Let me help you find someone to eat. I will be your friend". He stops and he says the word "friend". I decide it might be safe to move towards him so I say "yes I will be your friend. I will help you eat someone's face". He points at me and says the word "friend" and I say "yes I will be your friend and I will help you eat someone's face". He then says the word "face" again. Apparently this plan is going to work but I need to find someone that he can eat and hopefully make it someone whom people won't miss all too well. I then remembered the Rebecca Black was going to be doing some lame concert in Milwaukee that night. No one would miss her if she was eaten by a zombie. I need to find her. I said to the guy "follow me. I will get you a face to eat". He responded by saying "face".

He followed me as we went on a search to find Rebecca Black. He was starting to get hungry or that is what it seemed like. He kept saying "face" and everytime he said it he would get more aggitated. As luck would have it we see Rebecca Black coming down the street. I turn to the zombie and I said "you see that girl over there. That is Rebecca Black. No one will care if you eat her face". He replied by saying the word "face". I said "before you go and attack her though let me start talking to her. I will get her to sing the song Friday. When you hear this part you can attack her." I began singing "It's Friday, Friday gotta get down on Friday". The zombie became very aggitated and screamed out "ARRRRRGGGGHHHH FACE".

We went up to Rebecca Black and I said "hi, I am a big fan of yours" and she replied with "hi, thanks. Um what is wrong with your friend?" He says the word "friend". I said "he is ok, just a bit under the weather". She was like "ok". I then said to her "hey I really like your song Friday, can you possibly sing the song really quick for us. Not the whole thing just the chorus part". She smiled and said "yeah sure anything for a fan". So she starts singing the words "Its Friday, Friday gotta get..." and before she can even finish the zombie screams "ARRRRRGGGGHHHH FACE". He jumps on her and starts gnawing at her face. She starts screaming in pain "help me!". All I can do is just stand there and watch. An evil smile comes across my face. Not only was I able to control this zombie but I got him to eat Rebecca Black. This could be the start of something amazing. Rebecca Black was now dead. The zombie had completely ripped her face to shreds.

When he was done he got up with blood dripping out of his mouth. I looked at him and said "good job" which he replied back with "friend get me face". He is learning more words! Good, I will totally work this to my advantage. So I decided to come up with a new plan. I said to him "alright dude new plan cause I am sure you will be hungry again". He replied by saying "face". I continued "ok so for example lets say I am talking to a chick, like the one you just killed, and I ask her a question and she tells me no it is ok to eat her. Like for example 'will you have sex with me?' when she tells me no eat her face". He says "face". I figured this was a brillant plan because it wouldn't be long until someone told me no.

So off we went to look for some chick who would tell me "no".

Face 2


Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together... mass hysteria!

I literally sat here for a good hour just trying to think of a blog title. I went through a lot of different choices. Then I saw a news feed about how a gunman killed 2 people and wounded 3 in a Seattle cafe and that quote from the Ghost busters popped into my head. People are going crazy that is for sure. I have to wonder though if people have always been this messed up and we just hear about it more because we have much more media sources then we had back in the day? Maybe people just want to be famous by doing crazy shit so they can get on the news.

So zombies are coming. This is what I keep hearing at least. Some guy in Florida was chewing the face off of some person. He was shot and did not respond to being shot. Then in New Jersey there was this guy who apparently was throwing entrails at police officers and pepper spray had no effect on him. Clearly zombies are coming. Why? Because everyone on the internet says so and you always have to believe what the internet says. The truth is on the internet. The sooner we accept this the better off we will be. I hope all that Left 4 Dead playing will help me out in case of a zombie invasion. I suggest more people pick up the game and play it. It will help you defend yourself from an impending zombie invasion. My weapon of choice? A cactus. They won't expect someone to use something like a cactus. Plus other people who aren't zombies might be like oh my God holy shit look at that crazy son of a bitch swinging around a cactus, don't mess with him. I am now accepting donations of cactuses. I must prepare for the zombies.

Makes you wonder about the whole 2012 thing. People are going nuts. Disasters keep happening more and more frequently. I suppose in a few more months we will find out for sure. I am not going to worry bout it. I will make my comments every now and then and be like oh my God the world is going to end but that is the extent of it. I mean really what can we do if the world is meant to end? There really is nothing that we can do. Maybe try to make our peace with God before we pass on. Can't stop it so no use worrying about it. Live your life. Of course the question "what if?" will pop up from time to time. Along with the question what if I wake up tomorrow and my penis is not there anymore. That would just suck. I don't know what I would do. Freak out probably. I wonder how the conversation with my father in the morning would go. "Um dad I think I need to go to see the doctor. Why? Well my penis is missing and I kinda am uncomfortable with not having a penis and I think I have to go to the bathroom." See what I mean? Very uncomfortable situation. I don't know how I turned this from an end of the world thing to me having a missing penis.

In other news, since I haven't written an actual blog unless it was about a concert in about a month, I had a job interview to begin the month. It was for Pick'N'Save on 76th street. I didn't end up getting the job but the fact I had an interview kept my hopes up that something is going to come up soon. I am learning that no matter how many times I get kicked down or things seem hopeless that I just have to keep on fighting. So last Friday I got a call from a different Pick'N'Save and I did a phone interview yesterday. I had put in an application on I think Tuesday and got a call back within 3 days. So the phone interview went decently in my opinion. A ton of questions were thrown at me that I was like "uh" for. Obviously I did good enough cause I get a 2nd interview on Friday. This time it is face to face. So I am pretty hopeful that this streak of not having a job will come to an end soon. Thank God.

I picked up Rocksmith on the Xbox. I was kinda iffy about getting the game due the fact that I wasn't consistent with playing the guitar anymore. I really lost interest over the years. I liked the idea of Rocksmith though. Learning songs while playing along with the songs and going at your own pace. So I picked it up just over 2 weeks ago and since then I have played guitar about 2 hours everyday. Would I say the game was worth it? Hell yeah it was. I have not had this much fun playing guitar in a long time. See I am doing things differently this time around. I have taken a less serious more of a have fun approach. Plus in all the years I have played guitar I never tried to play along with songs. This game has you play along with songs. I absolutely love it. I am playing songs I would of never of thought to play before. Plus thanks to the game I have even memorized some chords. In 18 years of playing guitar on and off I had never memorized chords by name. As long as I am having fun and learning stuff I will continue to play guitar and this game. Guitar has become fun again and I am thinking I may finally be getting serious about learning it. The game also is going to add in a way to play bass with the game eventually so I may pick up a bass at some time. At least I am heading in the right direction in terms of playing guitar. Bout time too. As much as I love music and with how creative I can be at times it is good I apply it to some things.

Overall life is good and is turning around for the better. Well despite the zombie invasions, the craziness of people, and me worrying about my penis going missing, I can't complain all too much.


A Night of Hell with Primus

Before I get into it about the Primus concert I must state that I actually enjoyed the music. Primus was really great live. I don't know all too many songs well by Primus but they are easily a band where if you don't know anything by them that you can still get into the music. This however was overshadowed by the environment of the venue in which the concert was at.

I was excited to go. I had never seen Primus live before. I was also going to a concert with people I know. My brother Jay and my sister Cindy. It had been like 16 years since I went to a concert with Cindy and I never been to a show with Jay before. We got there and there was a long line to get in. Apparently it is not always a good thing to get there right before the show starts. That is ok though. Been in longer lines before waiting for Ozzfest back in the day. We get in the ballroom and there seemed to be a lot of room left but a good amount of people in there. We managed to get in a decent spot.

Primus came on and the first song was my favorite by them "Those Damned Blue Collar Tweekers". One of the first Primus songs that I remember hearing so it just stuck with me over the years. The problem was the vocals didn't sound like they were right. It was very hard to hear what Les was singing. This problem persisted for a little bit and then it got better. I didn't recognize a lot of the songs they were playing. Like I said I am not a huge fan but I do like their music.

During the show I dealt with the usual issues that I did while I was at Manson. People moving around, having to constantly move to get out of the way, taller people stopping and standing right in front of me. I think that is one thing I hate the most. I always try to keep a bit of distance between me and the person in front of me so it turns into an aisle for people going through. That is fine but when people go through and stop right in front of you that just irritates me. It is like I was not even there.

A new problem I encountered at this show in particular was it seemed like a lot of people in the crowd didn't know what deodrant or soap was. Literally it smelt pretty bad in this place. Add in the fact that it was insanely hot in that place we had to deal with hot smelly sweaty people. I'll talk more about this in a minute. People were also very rude too. I know it happens when you go to a show. There are always some assholes in the crowd. It just seemed pretty bad. It made it difficult to enjoy a show when you are constantly dealing with some dipshit.

Ok now the heat. They really need to do something with the Eagles Ballroom. If they don't have the air cranked up prior to a show and then it gets a lot of people in the ballroom it gets insanely hot and humid. It wasn't until 2 hours into the show that the fans above us were even turned on. By then it was almost too late. We were all dripping in sweat. Some people had to be carried out of the ballroom. I really did not think I could last through that entire show with how hot it was. The heat and the people really made this concert more miserable then it should of been. I tried to enjoy it as much as I could but it seemed near impossible. Next time I want to go to the Eagles Ballroom for a show I will think twice about it.

I will say again though Primus was great. I just felt like I was in hell though and couldn't enjoy it as much as I would of liked. Les Claypool is an amazing bassist. Like seriously at times I was in awe at his bass playing. It pretty much helped me decide that in the near future I am going to invest in a bass guitar. Primus played two sets. First set was about 10 songs long and during intermission they played Popeye cartoons which was pretty cool but cause I was standing there sweating like a pig I was just wanting it to end so they could come on and play their 2nd set so we could all go home. They played hits like "Jerry was a Racecar driver" and closed with "Wyonna's Big Brown Beaver". "Eyes of the Squirrel" is a song that I can not get out of my head since the show.

So an overview. Primus was great. Les Claypool is amazing. Eagles Ballroom sucks. Sweaty smelly people suck. Next concert for me is July 4th Iron Maiden unless we do go see the Scorpions at Summerfest on June 30th. Maiden should be fun though. Outdoor show with seats!


Hey, Cruel World

I realize it has been awhile since I wrote anything. So I figured I would start off with a blog about the Marilyn Manson concert I went to last week. Manson's music has been a big part of my life for the last 16 years so being able to see him live was great. Here is my review of the concert. Look at me trying to act like I am a professional concert reviewer.

It had been nearly 15 years since I last saw Manson live. I last saw him at Ozzfest in 97. He was the act that came on before Ozzy and Ozzy came on before Black Sabbath. Pretty much we had a double shot of Ozzy that night. Before that I had seen Manson one other time and that was in October of 96. I only knew of like two songs before I went to the show but I had convinced 4 other people to go with me. Despite not knowing much of anything at all I had a lot of fun at that show and I enjoyed the music. I enjoyed it so much that in the next week I bought all of his albums that were out. After that show though all 5 of us ended up getting sick. Who knows what was going around at that concert. The hall was filled with freaky looking people. Let it be known I have nothing against freaky looking people. Anyways the point of me blabbing on about this is that I felt a bit uneasy about going to a Manson show by myself. Sure it had been 15 years but you have to remember I am not one for going to shows by myself. I was willing to take a chance though. After all it was Manson.

I have to admit being there by myself was a bit boring at times. Everyone else is talking to each other having a good ole time and here I am standing there by myself. There were plenty of freaky looking people in this crowd. Chicks barely wearing anything and some guys who actually could of passed for Manson. I realize that even if a person is looking all freaky and whatnot it does not mean that they aren't nice or whatever. In fact some of those people are the nicest people. People dress like that because I think Manson's music teaches us it is ok to be our own individual and we shouldn't worry bout how others look at us. Look at some of the attire Manson has worn over the years. He definitely does not give a shit.

The Pretty Reckless came on. Taylor Momsen definitely looked hot. In recent months I have really come to like their music. Plus I also saw them live before when they opened up for Evanescence. Two of my favorite songs by them "Zombie" and "Under the Water" were played. The problem is I don't think their style of music was really fitting to be opening up for Manson. They tried to win over the crowd but the Manson crowd was just not having it. One dumbass behind me kept yelling "play some Slayer". I wanted to tell the guy to either go home and listen to Slayer or go to a Slayer concert if he wanted to hear Slayer that bad. Either way I thought The Pretty Reckless were pretty good. Taylor Momsen has a great voice and she has a lot of energy dancing around on stage. Ok so she walks around on stage dancing like a whore. What guy wouldn't like that? I know from what I read of other people who went to the Manson concert they said The Pretty Reckless sucked but I am just going to come to the conclusion that they were expecting someone heavier or they just couldn't dig the music.

It was then time for Manson to take the stage. I always hate the period of time in between bands. It is like come on already! Finally his entrance music came on and he started the set with "Hey Cruel World". His voice sounded amazing. He didn't sound tired, sick, exhausted, or drunk. He was spot on. He was full of energy trying to get the crowd into it. He went through classic songs such as "Mobscene", "Dope Show", "Disposable Teens", and then songs off the new album "No Reflection" and "Pistol Whipped". Pistol Whipped is one of my personal favorites from the new album. Something I just can't explain but I love that song. A highlight for me was "Personal Jesus". I know it isn't actually a song that he wrote but he does an amazing cover of it. I was having a lot of fun. Well as much fun as a person by himself at a concert can have. I was singing along to most of the songs played. Concerts are the one place where I don't care if other people can hear me sing cause well pretty much I am singing along with everyone else anyways. Manson had energy throughout the show. For me personally I dislike going to concerts where people just stand in one place the entire night and perform. Move around, show some energy, show the crowd that you want us there listening to your music! The last 5 songs of his set were all old stuff. The last 3 songs in particular. "Sweet Dreams" again I know this isn't techinically his song but that song is a crowd sing along song. For the next song "Antichrist Superstar" he got out his old podium from the Antichrist Superstar tour and sang from the podium. Old Manson came out during this song. He had a bible in his hand and he started to tear pages out of the bible before tossing the bible into the crowd. He followed up with the closer for the night "The Beautiful People". Overall it was a great show. He was full of energy and his voice was spot on. I was definitely happy to of gone.

I do have some complaints though and it is mainly about the venue and well I guess the people at the show. I actually do like The Rave/Eagles Ballroom. They always have a lot of good bands that come through there. That day in particular was one of the warmest we have had this year so far and it totally felt like they didn't have any a/c on. That sorta made the waiting around for bands a bit uncomfortable. I know it was really refreshing to go outside after the show. The line for the men's room was sorta ridiculous. Some guy came out of the men's room and said "it is worse then a mosh pit in there, guys are all pushing and shoving and punching just to use the bathroom". I think he was exaggerating a bit but I thought it was sorta funny. One thing I don't like about that place is it is standing room only. I mean fine you really don't go to a show to sit down anyways but what annoys me about this is people who feel the need to constantly move around on the floor while a band is playing music. Either they are going to the bathroom, getting more liquor cause they aren't drunk enough, or in the case of some people they are too damn drunk to realize what in the hell they are doing or where they are. I don't know how many times I had to move cause people wanted to get through but after awhile it was really just starting to get annoying. When I saw Evanescence back in October I did not have this problem with people wanting to walk around constantly. Last thing is do people go to a concert to actually see the band and listen to the music or do they go there to browse the internet on their phone? Personally when I go to a concert I go there to see the band, listen to the music, have fun. Some chick behind me was browsing the internet most of the time. What in the hell? You pay money to go there for what? To browse the internet? Do people desperately need the internet that badly that instead of enjoying a concert they go to a concert and browse the internet the whole time? I don't get it at all.

It was a fun night though. I am glad I went even if it was by myself. Would I go see Manson again? Definitely but next time I hope to at least go with 1 other person. At least the next 4 shows I am going to I will not be going alone. Next up for me is Primus. I wouldn't say that I am a huge Primus fan but I do like them and I look forward to seeing them.


April showers bring May flowers

It is a Monday night and it is the last day of April. April has definitely been an interesting month for me. I am looking forward to May. Weather should finally be warming up. First day of May begins with a new Marilyn Manson album coming out. I am listening to it online as I type out this blog. First impression? Sounds like a Manson album. Which is a good thing. I've always liked Manson though regardless of what he has put out there. Not very hard to impress me with music though. I am pretty open and will listen to just about anything now a days.

For my birthday I decided to treat myself to some Xbox 360 games. Old vintage games though which include the original Contra from nintendo, Castlevania: Symphony of the night, Pac-Man, Tetris, Mortal Kombat series which includes the first 3 games that were on Nintendo, and GTA San Andreas. I prefer the older games, can't help it. Playing the hell out of Castlevania. I absolutely love that series. I've only ever beaten two of the games in that series though. SOTN and Simon's Quest. I hadn't played SOTN and I ended up remembering all the secrets and I beat the game again already. One thing driving me nuts though is the fact there is an achievement for 200.6 perc exploration of the map and I am sitting at 198.3 and I have no idea what I am missing. I am starting to think I am preferring console games more then computer games now. Which is good. Get me away from the computer!

Today and well part of yesterday has been a music day for me. I mean right now for example I am listening to the new Manson but yesterday I was listening to stuff I had never heard before. The band Halestorm for example. They totally rock. I had never really listened to their albums all the way through. Then there is the band The Pretty Reckless. I saw them when they opened up for Evanescence in October. I thought they were pretty good but it wasn't until recently that I really started listening to them. Today I listened to Buckethead. I knew of him and I heard him play before on you tube but I never sat back and really paid attention to the music until today. Good stuff there too. I went crazy adding music to my spotify playlist. Some people put music into separate categories, not me. If I like it I will just add it to one list. The list is nearing 3000 songs on spotify. There are some bands/songs that are not on spotify though so that list would be even more. Can't find bands such as Zeppelin or Floyd on there. Really disappointing but otherwise a good program.

Little bit of a confession out of me. It is National Honesty Day supposedly so here I go. I use to bash boy bands. I could not stand them. Thought they sucked. Blah blah blah. Well add that type of music to the list of stuff I like. Like I said my musical taste has expanded quite a bit and I literally can listen to anything. Funny earlier I had my spotify going and in you had Anthrax, Slayer, Maiden and then in the middle of all of it was George Michael. So yeah if you look at my list today you would see boy bands in the mix of stuff. This is not a bad thing. I mean anyone can look at my list of music and find something they like. The days of me just being a pure rocker/headbanger are over. I still prefer that music and you would see me at a hard rock/metal concert before you would see me at like a Britney concert. Then again I don't need to justify my musical tastes to anyone. Music is music to me.

So as I said I am looking forward to May. April was a good month, eye opening for sure. I am going to a few concerts in May. The weather is going to be warming up this week which makes me super happy. Plus I have some other things on my agenda which I won't mention now. It is good to keep some things to myself until the time is right to share with the world. A horoscope not too long ago told me that I should keep some of my plan to myself. I am totally following the advice of that horoscope. It is said that April showers bring May flowers. Lets see how true this is.



Here it is, almost another birthday in the books. Another day, another year older. Ok that really is not meant to sound depressing at all cause I am far from it at the moment. Today has been a pretty uneventful day. Started off the morning with rain until the early part of the afternoon but since then it has been basically cloudy. It isn't too cold but it isn't exactly warm either. Overall though the weather didn't effect my birthday all too much. Well I can't really say that cause I've been having random aches and pains but that is just normal with the weather being the way it is.

One thing I must mention is all the birthday love I got on facebook today. It was really nice and I really apprecihated it. There are a lot of people whom I do not really communicate with on a regular basis. I still check their statueses and keep up to date with what is going on but I don't always comment and whatnot. I feel like even if there isn't always some sort of communication that people will always be there regardless. It meant a lot to see people take some time out of their day to wish me a happy birthday. For one day on facebook I actually felt popular. Is internet popularity all that important though? Not really but sometimes the little things mean a lot. Especially logging on the internet on your birthday to find a ton of birthday wishes.

As I do with every birthday I sit back and think about the last year of my life. 32 was an interesting age/year for me. In a lot of ways it was somewhat eye opening. I made some pretty poor decisions and then I made some really great decisions. I took a step back and I really started to see the path of self destruction I was on and said enough is enough I really need to start working on myself. The hardest part about life sometimes is to sit back and look at yourself and things you have done and admit to yourself that you are in the wrong and there are a lot of things you should of done differently. I have started to change a lot of things I do in the past month or so. Not everyone is going to see these changes. Maybe to some the changes are so small and insignificiant that it doesn't really matter. I guess it really should only matter to me though. Any change right now to me is significant and a step in the right direction. People don't see that change can come in all shapes and sizes. Change can even be as simple as removing a person or persons from your life in which you felt like were having a negative effect on you. One thing I decided to do is leave, for now, most of the changes that have been going on in my life off my blog. People are going to think what they want of me and I don't need a negative vibe about some of the things I am working on so for now I am not really talking about things I am doing.

I do want to bring up one thing though. This is something that I had thought about the other day while I was outside just watching the birds and other random stuff that is going on. I felt like I needed to find something that I could use as somewhat a guideline for inspiration heading forward in my life. My mom has always been an inspiration for me cause despite all the health problems she still fought hard and tried to enjoy what she could out of life. I admire her and her story could and should inspire everyone. Now I am not a very religious person. I don't claim to go to church and pray all the time and all that stuff but I thought to myself that Jesus was 33 when he died on the cross. I just turned 33 so I thought how can I relate my life to this. I can't because well I am not Jesus and as far as I know people don't want to hang me on a cross for my beliefs. What I did think of though is Jesus did a lot of great things before his death. He helped out the sick and the poor. He didn't turn his back on people even if they did not believe in the stuff that he was saying. He was a fighter and stood firm in what he believed in even though it ended up costing him his life. I think his story if you actually sit down, read it, and pay attention can be an inspiration to anyone. I realize not everyone has the same beliefs and they don't believe everything that they have heard. That is fine, I respect that. My point I guess I am getting at is the story of Jesus and the things he did could turn to be a point of interest for me as I start my 33rd year of life. Especially since Jesus died when he was 33 and he according to the stories in the bible did a lot of great things.

I imagine that this is probably not something that you would expect me to talk about in my blog. I normally never go the religion route. I just know that I have really had a chance to think about the story of Jesus that I find it to be interesting and somewhat inspiring. I think maybe I should take the time to learn more about it because to be totally honest I really only know the basic stuff. I doubt this will make me turn all religious and tell people oh if you don't go to church you are going to Hell and everything like that. I guess I am looking for inspiration in anything I can right now and it is ok to have a belief in something.

I am going to yet another concert upcoming. Primus is coming here next month and they had a buy one get one free so I asked my sister and she ended up saying yes. So now in the upcoming months I am going to 5 concerts. To put it like this in a span of like 12-13 years I went to 3 shows and in the next 4 months I am going to 5 so far. I always liked going to concerts. I love music and I enjoy seeing and hearing live music so why not go?

In conclusion I have been in thought about a lot of different things lately. It is ok to think. Thinking helps you be more creative and it can cause you to see things from a different point of view or maybe open up your eyes to things you did not see before. It is a good thing. People are not going to see all the changes I may be going through or making cause either they are too blind to see the big picture or they are too closed minded to even think that the slightest change is positive. I am not a perfect person by any means. I have done a lot wrong but I am trying to be different or be the Nick I use to be. I like that Nick. That Nick is pretty darn awesome if you ask me. Happy birthday to me!


Whispering Wind

He sits outside like he does every night. Stares out into the sky to see what he can see. It is a cloudy and windy night. It is slightly drizzling outside making it seem like rain may be on the way. The wind is really strong. It almost brings a chill to him on this warm night. He closes his eyes and drifts away. He begins to ask himself a series of questions. Where am I going in life? What is to become of tomorrow or the next day or the day after that? Can I make something of myself? Can I change for the better? All these questions pop into his head. He feels the wind get stronger. The drizzle turns into a slight rain. The rain is refreshing after a warm day. You can hear the distant rumbles of thunder. The wind howls and in the wind he hears a whisper. The whisper says you may not get all the answers to your questions but you are in control of the future so go out and make the most out of it, it is yours to either succeed or to fail. He opens his eyes and smiles as if he is satisfied with the answer and says to himself, that is exactly what I needed to hear.

I want to take a little bit to talk about the Titanic. Today marks 100 years since the sinking. It might not be a big deal to some but especially last night after midnight I was thinking about it and felt myself being effected by it. I have to admit I am not very good at praying as I only do on occasion but I said a little prayer for all the women, children, and men who lost their lifes that night. I was a bit sad. Regardless what anyone might think the Titanic story is really tragic and a very sad story. I must admit I never knew much about the Titanic until the movie came out back in 97. After I saw the movie I watched documentries and whatnot and became more familar with the story of Titanic. I will admit I was one of the people who cried when I saw the movie. Think what you want of me but I think I picked the absolute worse time to go see the movie. My mother was dying and she wasn't expected to live much longer. Just under a week before she passed away I went to the theater to see the movie alone. Bad idea. By the time I got home from the movie I totally lost it. I think I tend to associate the movie with the passing of my mom. Probably why it effects me. To be honest I have not watched the movie in a very long time though. I figure if I decide to pop it in anytime soon I will probably want to have some tissues nearby.

We had a cookout today. Other then the occasion drizzle things turned out rather well. It was really nice outside today so I spent a lot of time outside. The only problem is when I cook I really make way too much food for just me and my father. I like having leftovers I suppose. Course the best part of the whole thing was having smores. Yeah I am suppose to be watching what I eat and exercising. Techinically I am watching what I eat, I am just watching it as it goes in my mouth. Then later on when it got dark out I went back outside and started throwing like sticks and whatnot into the grill to start up a fire. I am a secret pyro I guess. I suppose it isn't too bad unless I decide to be a retard one day and see what I can do with a little bit of gasoline in the grill. I am not that stupid or am I?

Oh almost like two weeks ago we went to the eye doctor. It has been awhile since I last went, 3 years to be exact. Well anyway the exam went fine and I picked out new glasses and got new contacts etc. Supposedly my eyesight improved. I don't see how this is even possible. I mean I sorta thought that I probably strain my eyes a lot by looking at a computer screen on most days but I am not an eye doctor so whatever. My contacts are ok then the fact that having two cats in the house and fur flying around everywhere irritates my contacts a lot and well it had been almost half a year since I last wore contacts so it is like I am getting use to them all over again. My glasses on the other hand I can't wear them. I don't know what is exactly wrong with them but they are giving me headaches and if I try to look to the side with them on I have blurry vision. So I don't know what they did. They are nice glasses though. The transition lenses. For whatever reason i can not be outside without some sort of protection from the sun. I am really sensitive to the light. Maybe I am a vampire after all? Nah, I don't think I sparkle like Edward so that rules out the vampire thing. Then again thank God I don't sparkle. So yeah I am wondering if my prescription is screwed up somewhere. Has to be.

A lot of things have changed for me in the past year. I am not going to really go into great detail here but I am going to say that I like the direction that I am heading in. I am not perfect by any means but who the hell is anyways? You are the one who has to live with yourself 24/7 not other people. As long as you like yourself and think you are doing ok then by all means continue doing what you are doing. For far too long I have had the outside influence of other people. Nick you need to do this! Nick you need to do that! Blah blah blah! Finally it has gotten to a point where I said to myself Nick has to do what Nick wants to do not what other people want him to do. This is exactly what I am starting to do. Some people I don't think can handle it. That is fine. I don't need people to handle it or be happy with it what I need is for me to be happy with it. Am I happy with the way things are going? It is a work in progress but I am getting there. In the upcoming months I believe I am going to surprise a lot of people. You can quote me on this.



It is Friday the 13th. This is why I decided to name the blog 13. I am so original aren't I? I don't think I have ever been superstitious of Friday the 13th. Although it does have the number 13 in there and 13 is always a dominate number in my life regardless. Which reminds me I thought of this tonight and it was just about 20 years ago that I had went to my first concert, June of 92 to be exact and it was Metallica, and I was 13 years old when I went. See the number 13 again. I realize I hadn't written in a bit so I figured I would write a little bit. Yes an actual what is Nick up to type of thing.

Easter came and went. Nothing exciting really happened. My father was feeling a bit sickish so it made Easter a little less enjoyable and it cancelled our trip to Indiana. We were suppose to go to Indiana for a few days to visit my uncle. We have never seen where he lives in Indiana. I was looking forward to getting away for a few days so I was a bit disappointed but that is life. Sometimes things come up that is beyond your control.

I am going to 3 concerts coming up. Marilyn Manson in May, Iron Maiden and Aerosmith in July. I have seen Manson before but that was 15 years ago. I have managed to continue to keep up with his music since then. He is one of my favorite artist so I am excited about going. I have never seen Iron Maiden or Aerosmith live. I have listened to both bands on and off for about 20 years. The Maiden concert is on the 4th of July. That is going to be fun. Good way to celebrate the 4th in my opinion. Aerosmith is 3 days after the Maiden concert. I hope I won't be recovering from Maiden when I go to Aerosmith. Either way I am looking forward to going to some shows. Back in the day I loved going to concerts. I love music in general and music is a big part of my life so it is nice to get out there and see some of the bands that I have grown up listening to.

My sister Kathy/Trink is getting married. It comes as a surprise to me because it was a known fact in this family that none of my sisters were probably going to get married. I am not saying that it is a bad thing or anything to that effect it just came as a surprise. I hope that she is happy and I wish her many years of happiness.

I have been deep in thought about quite a number of things for awhile now as my last blogs have probably shown. I spend a lot of time at night time specifically outside sitting out on the porch just gathering my thoughts and taking it all in. It is really peaceful and quiet to sit outside in this neighborhood minus the occasional car or airplane. It makes me wish I lived in the country. I would be able to see more stars and whatnot while I am outside. The city lights and trees make it difficult to see up in the night time sky at times. Maybe one day I'll live in the country just for that specific reason, to gaze up at the stars at night time.

This has just been a brief update on things that have been going on. I haven't even begun to touch on a few things. In time I will. I have this phrase written down that I keep in front of my computer at all times so I can see it and if I am seeking a little bit of motivation I look at it and I repeat it. The phrase or saying is "Replace I can not do this with I will not fail". I can't be sure that someone didn't already think of this one but I thought of it while I was sitting outside. Even if it isn't a Nick original I really like this and I repeat it to myself often about a variety of things.

Replace I can not do this with I will not fail.


T-Rex in the park

Yes I happen to think of the weirdest things when I am sitting outside. My thinking cap turns on when I am just sitting outside enjoying the air and gazing into the stars. I think everyone has their spot where they sit back and let their imagination run wild or they become deep in thought. Sitting outside is my place. Of course the last few days the weather has been kinda crappy. Welcome to Wisconsin. 80s one day and then 30s the next. Exactly what happened to us.

I was sitting outside and across the street is the park. I pictures a T-Rex all of a sudden appearing in the park and literally going ape shit. Craving a path of destruction throughout the park and then into the neighborhood. I tried to imagine how horrified people would be. I mean how would you react if you saw a T-Rex coming at you? I was sorta mixed on how I would react. I think I would be pretty terrified and then the other part of me was thinking well this is too movie like that I would die to some dinosaur so I may as well sit here and laugh about it. Do you think the methods that they used in Jurassic Park would save you? Like if you just sat still would he not see you and eat you? When faced with danger and possible death though I don't think most people would think to themselves oh gee if I stand still he won't see me!

The other side of this is me thinking what if I was the T-Rex? Now see I am not looking at this from the point of view that I want to rip people to shreds or go around and smash shit. When I think of a T-Rex I think of something fierce and intimating. I think if the T-Rex were still alive today people would be scared of them and show them respect. If they aren't getting eaten that is. So the T-Rex is appealing because I think people would respect them for their power and their strength and I would like to be more like that. Maybe not so much for power but for strength. It is an understatement to say I have been through a lot and I don't necessarily think I get enough credit sometimes. I've come to realize though that it doesn't even matter how people see me. As long as I think I am a strong person then that is all that should really matter. I suppose getting credit from time to time would be good.

As the weather gets nicer out and I spend more time outside I wonder what else I will come up with. Only time will tell I suppose. I haven't even really begun to touch upon everything that is going on in my mind.



Temptation, I think we all deal with this in our life. We all do things that we shouldn't and we are often influenced by other people to do these things. Sometimes we know better but I think it really depends on the person who is influencing you. Not easy to say no or I don't think I should be doing that. I think before we give it to someone who may be tempting you to do something that you normally wouldn't do that you really need to analyze the situation. I had these thoughts about it after a day dream I had while sitting outside. Sitting outside and thinking while just enjoying what is going on around me has influenced all of my recent blogs. This one is no exception.

I can't really call this a day dream cause this occured at night time while sitting outside but it is around the same idea as a day dream I suppose. I was sitting outside looking at the night time sky when I decided to close my eyes for a bit. Appearing to me was my grandma, my sister Mary, and my mom. They never appeared to me all at once at the same time. They started talking to me about life. Telling me that I can do whatever I set my mind too and that I need to remain strong. The message of be strong echoed out. They looked just as I remember them from the last time I saw them all alive. There was something else there though. There was a creature. The creature kept taking different forms. At one point it looked like the predator and then it looked like one of the demons from The Evil Dead. It had red eyes. I was not scared of this creature. I actually felt kinda amused that it was there listening into our conversation. I asked them why is there some random creature here that keeps on changing between the predator and one of the demons from The Evil Dead. The response that I got was that the name of the creature was Temptation. The message to me then was I was not suppose to allow Temptation to tempt me to stray off my present path. It will try to tempt me but I must not give in. I responded with I will not let Temptation tempt me. This is when I opened up my eyes. I felt calm and at peace. It was then I felt a strong breeze come across me. It was relaxing. I closed my eyes once again as if I knew the presence of loved ones were there. The breeze died down and I knew immediately I had to remember this incident and write about it.

The message to me is pretty clear. I can accomplish what I want to as long as I don't fall into temptation. I have to learn how to control my temptations and learn that once I set my sight on a path in my life that I need to stick with it. Straying away is ok as long as you can get back on the road you are on. Don't get knocked off the road completely though. The creature not scaring me makes me believe that I can overcome the challenges that I may face along the way. Be myself, be strong, do what I want and do not let anyone stand in the way of where you want to go. This is why I believe it is important to think about the dreams you have or moments like this. They really can tell you a lot about who you are and where you are going.


Marshmallows, good to eat. Nice and soft. Really good for smores. Has anyone ever stopped to think what if marshmallows had feelings? I know it sounds crazy but what if that marshmallow that you are devouring in your mouth actually could feel. What do you think it would be thinking? I suppose no one has even put themselves in the situation as if they were being food left for people to devour. After a recent cookout that we had I pondered this question of mine.

You ever just throw a marshmallow into the grill and watch it burn and go up in flames? I did and I thought about what it would be like if it had actual feelings like us. Burning alive until there is nothing left. Turning dark and crisp. The hot flame. Oh how it must burn. If marshmallows could scream out in pain do you think they would? I can imagine the pains and screams of agony would be so severe. I would think that anyone watching this marshmallow burn would feel a little bit of sympathy or think hey maybe we shouldn't be doing this. It is not right. The marshmallow would feel completely helpless and alone. No one is going to save it and lets face reality it can't really save itself anyways. It is pretty much doomed as soon as it hits that flame. Death would be agonizing and painful. For what purpose does this marshmallow die for? None other then our own amusement because we want a bigger flame and we have absolute control over the marshmallow.

What about the eating and roasting the marshmallow aspect of all of this? Normally people roast a marshmallow to eat or for smores. I guess the hidden pyro in me likes to see them burn to a crisp on the hot charcoal. Can you imagine being on the end of a stick or whatever the person is using knowing that you are about to die and be devoured? The pain and suffering. Being at someone's mercy and not being able to do anything about it. They probably hope that the pain and suffering is quick. I imagine some people like to play around with the marshmallows though. Constantly poking them with a stick due to them having some cheap thrill that they actually can poke something without real consequences. Putting them near the hot coals and setting them on fire and then blowing out the fire to rinse and repeat. The marshmallow probably feels like he is saved only to be let down once again by some murderous marshmallow lover. Oh and the whole eating part must be totally horrible. Feeling like they are being ripped to shreds. Having themselves being pulled apart. If the person is having smores the marshmallow gets smashed between two graham crackers and hersey chocolate and then quickly devoured. Oh how tragic the life of a marshmallow must be knowing that someone out there one day is going to devour you without any regard for how you are feeling.

The truth is marshmallows do not have feelings but people do. Sometimes I feel like I am this marshmallow.

Like a bird

Did you ever wonder would it would be like to be a bird? Probably not the first animal people think of when asked the question 'if you could be any animal what would you be?'. I know I had never thought about it. I always wanted to be something like a tiger so if someone pissed me off or something I could just rip them to shreds. While I was outside one day I pondered the question though as I was watching some birds fly in the sky. What would it be like to be a bird?

First thing I thought of was the flying aspect. Birds seem to have a lot of freedom and go wherever they want. They get to fly wherever and whenever. They can fly high up into the sky. I imagine getting out of danger would be a bit easier as a bird too. Someone gets too close to put you in danger you just fly away unless of course they injure you somehow. Being able to fly from place to place though is what I would like. Can you imagine the view that birds have being up so high in the sky? Oh that must be breathtaking. A couple of downsides I can see about flying in the sky. People might try to shoot you out of the sky. You are flying along and then bam gunshot and you fall out of the sky. What about trying to fly during a thunderstorm? I imagine getting struck by lightning would suck. Would be just my luck too of course. Oh how about flying around and swooping down too low and getting hit by a car? Ok so with everything danger clouds the appeal but what is life without a little danger?

Second thing I thought of and people are going to have to admit this will appeal to you. People piss us off, people use us, people are just generally assholes to us, etc. It happens. No matter what you do to avoid it you can't. Sometimes we want revenge or we just want to tell them to go fuck themselves. Well as a bird you can do this. I don't know about everyone else but I know if I was a bird I would be going around crapping on people as I am flying around. I wouldn't just pick random people or well maybe I would just for shits and giggles but I am sure being pooped on by a bird would be pretty good revenge. You shit on me I will shit right back on you type thing. People can't sit here and tell me that this isn't somewhat appealing? Flying around crapping on people who have done you wrong. I know it appeals to me.

One thing I am not sure I am cool about is what birds eat. Worms and insects mainly. I can do without that. I suppose though my line of thinking comes from the birds we see on a daily basis. Now lets say if I was a bird of prey then maybe the eating part wouldn't be so bad. Like an Eagle. Eagles stand out to me because they are beautiful creatures. Most birds are pretty anyways so that is another appeal of being a bird. Ok so I suppose I decided that if I was going to be a bird I would be something like an Eagle so I didn't have to eat just insects and worms all the time. Since the majority of their diet is fish and I like fish that could totally work for me.

Being a bird appeals to me because of all that I have said above. I think I really like the freedom a bird has. They can go wherever whenever they want. I feel like I would like to escape sometimes and not have a care in the world. I wish I could fly away and maybe fly to the top of a mountain and be like wow this is amazing. So if I had to pick an animal I'd want to be like I would pick a bird. I know people can't escape their problems by running away but being able to fly away for a bit and have some time and freedom to yourself sounds really really nice.


The unexplainable explained?

It is almost always the same. There is fear, anger, frustration, and sadness. Sometimes it seems as if there is a cry for help. There is a sense of grief and wondering if I could of done more to help and prevent it. I am not sure anyone really could of though. People tried to let her in but we were pushed away. Then it was too late. She was gone.

Ever since my sister Mary passed away I have had pretty much almost identical dreams just about every other night or some times every night. It is usually the same theme. Not much variety at all. In the dreams it is like I know she is dead and I am in shock to see her in the house. In some cases I am pretty pissed off. In some dreams she is moving back into the house and I am filled with such rage. The majority of them though share the same common elements. She is acting the way she was when she was alive. Angry, depressed, and pissed off at everyone in the world. It is everyone's fault but her own.

Last night's dream was no different then the others. She is pissed off and she is annoying everyone by complaining about her life. My mother and my father are finally fed up with her and it leads to a confrontation. She brings me into the conversation bitching about things that I am doing. Unlike what use to happen when she was alive I fight back. I fight back verbally. Most of the dreams I fight back verbally. Some dreams though I get rather violent. In the dream I figured it was the last straw and she would be forced to leave this house. Instead my parents decide to help her and I go into a frenzy and have to be held back from attacking her. That is where the dream ends. In some of my dreams though I do get violent and I believe in a few I have even killed her.

These dreams disturb me. At times I would rather not go to sleep at night because I'd rather not dream these same things repeatedly. This is not how I want to remember my sister. Before all of her drug problems me and her actually had what I would call a decent relationship. I miss those days. At least though I can hold onto those memories. I can't say I have completely forgotten about the bad times though. Maybe that is the reason for the dream? I think it is much deeper then that.

I think the dreams are telling me a bunch of things. Because of the nature of my sister's death I think she may be trapped here. There are always unexplained things going on in this house. I don't think she has left this house. I think on her part there is a lot of guilt and sadness for what had happened. In a way maybe she is sorry for everything. Maybe she misses us too. She is probably looking for forgiveness. I do forgive her though. I just want her to be happy and at peace. I also think she is trying to tell me that it is ok to stand up for myself. I let people walk all over me and I always will but yet in my dreams with her I stand firm and I fight back for what I believe in. Maybe there is a lesson to be learned here? Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself for whatever it is you feel.

I also think that with her urn being in the house this might be adding to some of it. I am not sure my sister would want to be sitting around on some bookcase like she is on display to people. She probably would of wanted a proper burial. Maybe this is causing some of her unrest. This is just something I sorta concluded myself. I went up to the urn today and before I put my hand on it I closed my eyes and cleared my head. As soon as I touched it I had the biggest chill go up my arm all the way down my back and I felt immediate sadness. I am not sure other people would have the same experience but I stand by my belief that it is time to give Mary the proper burial that she deserves. If it doesn't help maybe at least it will ease my mind.

Whatever is going on though with the dreams, the activity in the house, and just going by my gut feeling with this one I think it is time for Mary to move on. She needs to be at peace and try to be happy. Maybe she needs to be guided in the direction of the light. If that is the case I hope that my mother and grandma help her find her way. Go to the light Mary. Be with mom and grandma and others again.

One other thing I wanted to talk about. I have had many paranormal experiences throughout my life. I pretty much have said to people that I thought someone was kinda following me or latching onto me for whatever reason. It is just one of those feelings you get that you can not necessarily explain but you just know it is right. I thought about it today while thinking about this Mary thing and I can't be really sure if I am totally right but this may explain quite a bit. I realize people who do not believe in the paranormal or ghosts or spirits may think I am crazy and maybe I am but this is just what I am feeling right now.

Back in the day around the age of 5, and I am pretty sure I wrote about this in a previous blog or something, there was an incident with the neighbor who was an old man. He was always really nice to me. I use to pick up pine cones for him and I am pretty sure he gave me candy and whatnot. To make a long story short one day I decided to be a brat and I started throwing pine cones at him and his house. He ended up falling off the porch and later on that night he ended up passing away. I felt bad about it but I was also really young and just didn't know any better. I thought it was funny to throw stuff at old people. Anyways getting back to my original story. I thought about it today and I am not too sure about the time table of when I started experiencing weird stuff but I have concluded that it is quite possible that some of my experiences started after his death. Here is where the story takes a turn though. About 10 years ago when I was first getting into ghost hunting I was talking to some guy about joining up and whatnot and this guy didn't know me but he claimed to be a psychic. I was fishy about it but then he described to me in detail about a tornado dream I had. I had recurring dreams about tornadoes but never really talked about it. It really caught me off guard. He also said something about me having an old man who was like attached to me. I didn't think anything of it until today. I sorta put all of this together and it just clicked. If there is really an old man following me around could it possibly be this same guy? I guess in a way it would make sense. Before his death this old man took a liking to me. I helped him out a lot. Maybe he felt some responsibility to look after me after he passed away. I have nothing to go on though. I have no names, nothing. I am sure though I could possibly obtain this information. Maybe this is the missing piece of the puzzle for me? Time will tell. Sounds like a good theory at least. It may just be nothing at all. I could possibly just be hoping for something. I don't know though. There is something tugging at me telling me that this is a very good possibility.

Let me add some more into the mix though. Today is the 13th and I came to all these conclusions/opinions on the 13th. Why is that important? If anyone really knows me they know that the number 13 has popped up a lot in my life. I will give a few examples. My parents were married on Jan 13th, my street address is 1313, my mom's defibrillator went off 13 times (none of which she knew about), on Feb 10th 1992 I had a major operation and then on the same day 13 years later I got a divorce. There are more but I think everyone gets my point. I know there is coincidence but at some point it becomes more then just a coincidence.

I am curious as to what people are going to think about all of this but yet at the same time it doesn't matter all too much I suppose. People will most likely be quick to call me crazy or think I am just grasping at stuff. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions. As am I. Maybe I am not totally right about everything but there is something telling me I have a good grasp on what I am thinking. I hope I can uncover more.


Here comes the cold

The month of December I think spoiled us a little bit. It was unusually mild and we barely had any snow. That sort of thing never stays for a long period of time here though. It is like mother nature toys with us. She gives us good weather and then starts laughing at us going "hahaha...suckers!".

Last week it was 53 at one point. For January that is really odd. Times have changed since then. Following a snowstorm, well actually 2 snowstorms we are now sitting at a very cold 7 degrees. Tonight it might drop down below 0. That is a big drop from being in the 50s at one point last week. On top of this cold weather we are suppose to get another possible 4-7 inches of snow tomorrow too. Just perfect. It seems like every January I make some sort of post about how cold the weather is and how I wish spring would get here and then a few months later I am complaining about how hot and humid it is. I don't think there is a happy medium for me living in Wisconsin. Living in a temperature controlled bubble seems like the best option at the moment.

One thing I made up my mind about is that people just irritate me. I think it might get worse with age too. I am not sure if I totally agree with that last statement but it does seem that as the days pass by that my tolerance is getting lower and lower. I feel like at times I am only good to have around when it is a convenience for other people. Like when they need a favor, or they need to vent, they are bored, they need something to occupy their time and feel like I am the best choice at the moment, etc. As soon as my use is gone I get tossed aside like a cheap whore. Then when I may want something or whatever I feel like I am either being ignored or talking to a brick wall. I hate talking to brick walls. They don't answer back and I can't really bang my head on one in frustration unless I want a massive headache. Lose lose situation here though. I want to be there for people and you know I don't ask for much in return other then I dunno some acknowledgement from time to time. I guess the point I am trying to make is the more I get used by people the more frustrated I am going to get making it very likely I am just going to ignore people in general. This is just me venting by the way. I am neither right or wrong. This is just how I feel at times.

Really not much else to say right now or if I had anything else to say I really just don't remember it. Until next time stay warm everyone! If you are one of the people who live in a warm state...go to hell!


The time is now

It seems as if I almost forgot I have a blog. It has been almost 3 months since I last wrote anything. So I have a lot to cover in this one as I catch people up with my life and whatnot. I am quite impressed that in my absence of writing blogs that people are still reading my stuff. In fact in the past 2 and a half months my blog has had like 1,500 page views. I find that remarkable since I haven't wrote anything. So now that I am writing again maybe I can up that mark.

Right off the bat I am going to get the so called 'boring' stuff out of the way. The Packers went 15-1 in the regular season. Pretty remarkable. They won 19 games in a row before losing. The problem is they got to the playoffs and lost in the first row. As a Packer fan of just about 25 years I found myself a bit upset and pissed. Life goes on though. They had a good year and they did bring home a super bowl trophy last February. Some people though really are going nuts about them losing. I say let it go. It is just a game and your life shouldn't be depended on if the Packers win or lose.

Back in November I sorta had what I would call a mental breakdown. Well I don't know if I would call it that exactly but that entire month I was just really crappy. November is usually never a good month for me and this one totally fit right into that category. I didn't really say much to anyone about how I was feeling. I didn't put much on my facebook wall complaining about stuff either. Since I am on my blog though I can talk about it a bit. Pretty much I went spiraling into a deep depression. It probably would of really helped if I had wrote about it but I didn't. I shut myself off from everyone and tried to deal with things mostly on my own. By now you would think I would know that is never a good idea. At one point during that month I was hearing voices again. I am not going to get into this big discussion on how at times when I was younger I use to hear voices. Nothing was really being said to me though. It was pretty much just a lot of loud whispering and it drove me absolutely nuts for an entire week. I know it sounds crazy and some people probably wouldn't believe me and that is fine. People should know though that I have no reason to lie. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I never have, I never will. By the beginning of December I snapped out of it.

I suppose the one thing that may of caused some of this is the fact that I lost my best friend. This is the first time I am even bothering to mention it. I'm not going to get into all of the details either. It really is no one's business to be honest. My entire life though I have had a hard time trusting people. I've been stabbed in the back by people more times then I would like to remember. I really thought I had finally found a true friend who was never going to do that to me. I thought of him like a brother actually. As it turns out most stuff was just total bullshit. He tried to cause a riff between me and Catina and people who have read my past blogs know how much that girl means to me. Not only that but some of the stuff he was saying about me behind my back was pretty bad. I also found out that stuff I was saying to him in private was being said to other people. Personal stuff that I thought I could confide in him. Without confronting him about everything that was being said I decided just to stop talking to him which made him furious. Finally he stopped coming around and told me that the friendship was over. So yeah I lost my best friend but in reality with all the stuff that was going on behind my back I am better off without someone like that in my life. Besides it helped me and Catina to become closer friends.

Star Wars the Old Republic came out. It has been nice reconnecting with old friends and guildies. The game is pretty good. A story driven MMO that is Star Wars. I was the first one in my guild to max level. Go figure. I think everyone figured I was going to be first anyways because I am usually the first one anyways. Of course I got to level 50 too quick and then I suffered from burn out and now a bit of boredom. I shouldn't be bored. I have friends playing the game and I am ready to raid. Problem is I spent so much time and effort raiding on WoW that currently I just don't feel like raiding right now. So now it is basically playing other characters or just not being on the game at all. Minus the bugs and whatnot the game is pretty good.

It is a new year and everyone makes resolutions and whatnot. I tend to try not to do this because I never follow them anyways. Why make one if you don't intend to follow through? I suppose though it is nice to have a set of goals though or attempt to try something new. Usually I just tend to find a phrase to try to live by for the year. I forgot what mine was last year. I assume that if I forgot what it was then I probably did not follow it. With that being said my phrase to live by for the rest of this year is "the time is now". Yep, the title of my blog. It should be self explanatory. As we get older our time runs out for being able to do things and accomplish things or well just getting our life in order. It is 2012 and if this whole Mayan calendar thing is true then the world is going to end in December. I should write a blog specifically for that. I was suppose to a long time ago but I got sidetracked. Anyways pretty much the meaning of the phrase is if I ever plan on getting my life together or you know just enjoying life then the time is now because eventually time is going to run out.

Last thing to talk about before I end this blog. 2011 ended with a big bang. I was walking down the stairs the day before New Years Eve. I had just woken up from a nap so I was out of it. So as I am walking down the stairs I decided it would be cool to miss a few steps. I fell and my ass literally bounced off the last 2-3 stairs. Then I landed right on my ass on the kitchen floor. I sat there on the floor for a bit. My father comes in the kitchen and is like are you alright. I am like yeah I think so. He then asks me what the hell are you doing. Oh I don't know dad I figured it would be fun to fall down the stairs since I hadn't done it in awhile. My ass hurt for awhile. Actually it is still kinda sore in some spots but it is pretty manageable. Guess I wanted to end the year with a big bang.

That is all for now. Hopefully I keep up to date with my writing now. It has been awhile and it rather felt nice to just sit back and write.