9/29/2011

N

I really didn't want to take a week between blogs but it happens. I also did not know what to name this blog so I went with N. Which stands for Nick. Wow, how incredibly clever of me. I totally thought of this one myself too. I am smart!

Let me get the football stuff out of the way first. May as well bore my readers to death in the first paragraph and then try to take away their boredom later. The Packers are 3-0. Which I am happy about. They are playing some tough football at the moment. I only hope they can keep it up. Their offense is unstoppable, in fact I think the only way their offense is stopped is if they stop themselves by committing stupid penalties and whatnot. I still think they will get back to the super bowl.

We are probably going to Door County in a few weeks. Other then the Dells that would have to be our other favorite vacation spot. This time of year it is really pretty up there. Fall colors and whatnot. My father wanted to go somewhere for like a day and I am like why don't we just finally go to Door County and stay a few nights. We have not done that in awhile. In fact the last time we went up there was in 2007 with my sister Mary. Since then we only go to the Dells. Here is a sad fact that I would like to mention. That trip was the last time me and Mary had a conversation but yet we lived in the same house up until her death in July of 09. Sad memories. As much as we would like to avoid them from time to time they can resurface. Anyways yeah this will be a nice little getaway. I really like it up there. Peaceful and beautiful.

Sunday night was the first time I got drunk in awhile. It didn't last long though. I mean for Christ sake I only had Mike's hard lemonade. I feel like a wimp for even getting drunk off of something like that. Keep in mind though I haven't drank in a long time and I did down them pretty fast. So fast that because I had nothing else to drink I went from drunk to sober as quickly as I got drunk. I really don't enjoy drinking at the moment anyways. Maybe cause years back I overdid it a bit. Maybe cause I have no one here to be drunk with. One of my fondest memories of being drunk since I've been back here from Florida was when we went to Door County in 05. We went walking around at night time to explore a bit and I decided to bring a whole bottle of some vodka crap with me. So I was walking around with a big ass bottle in my hand stumbling and laughing while looking up at the stars. Now that was fun. The night that I probably drank the most was New Year's eve in 97. God I feel so old cause that was almost 14 years ago. I still remember what I had that night. It is amazing how much I remember doing when I'm totally plastered, of course unless I black out which I have done before but we won't get into that. Ok so on that night I had like 16 wine coolers (Jack Daniels coolers and regular wine coolers), 3 cups of vodka slush, 3 cups of rum and coke, a few shots of goldschlager, and then some champagne to top it off. The actual cups of what I had are estimations. All I know is I drank for an entire like 5 hours, if not longer. I had fun that night though. I remember everything just being hazy. I sang karaoke. The song "Sad but True". Then me, my friend Brent, and my brother Jay sang "The Unforgiven" together. There was a good amount of people there. 30 or more at least. I don't sing in front of people but I really did not care that night. I'm pretty surprised that I did not throw up that night, which btw I may mention this now...I have never thrown up from drinking EVER. Anyways, good times though.

I haven't been on track this week with pretty much anything that I wanted to do. Thank god though I still have today and tomorrow to at least accomplish a few things that I wanted to do. My mind has been racing this week and I have had a lot to think about. It is ok though cause I know what I need to do and I'll do it.

Don't you hate it when you dream about people whom you would rather not dream about? I do this all of the time. It is annoying to wake up and go "Ugh! Why did I just dream about that person!". If only you could control your dreams. Yeah then I'd be having crazy sex dreams about Amy Lee then. I don't see what would be wrong with that though. She is beautiful. Plus that voice. Oh my God! /Drool. Ok yeah sorry about that. Got caught up in a little fantasy there apparently.

Weather is becoming nice out. Well ok lately all it has done is rain but it is cooler now. The leaves are starting to change color. I am going to have to go out and take some pictures eventually. I am sure in Door County there will plenty of opportunities to take some though. I'm just not looking forward to snow. Last winter was a bit annoying. It isn't like we had a ton of snow but we got enough snow on almost a daily basis for it to become very annoying. We did have that one big snowstorm of 20 inches. I would rather have one massive snowstorm then little dinky ones.

Anyways that is about it for now.

9/22/2011

Relax

I think way too much. Thoughts in my head just go from one thing to the next then back to what I was originally thinking and then so on and so forth. Drives me a bit crazy from time to time. I suppose if I didn't have a thought at all then I would probably be bored and smashing my head into the wall for amusement. Like I would ever smash my head into the wall. I don't think I would like to clean up the mess afterward. I could hire a maid just specifically for that. "Hi I hear you are looking for work? Now I like to smash my head into the wall until I bleed, would it bother you cleaning up a little blood here and there?" Never said I was normal.

The good mood I have been in disappeared this week. It sorta sucks but I knew it was going to happen, I mean I can't be totally happy day in and day out for the rest of my life. I should clarify that I am not exactly in a bad mood either I'm just neutral at the moment. Think I've been thinking about too much stuff lately and questioning all my actions to actually be on a high like I was last week, hence my blog title.

On a positive note I made a list of goals/things I would like to accomplish. Of course when I make lists do I ever usually follow them? Well I try to at least. Easily distracted ftl. I'm going to keep most of the list to myself though so people can't come back here months later and be like oh hey I thought you were going to do this and you never did.

Exercising more/weight lost. Well this one I was sorta doing already. I got sidetracked a bit when we went to the Dells but this week I started up again. Baby steps. Been on the exercise bike every morning and every night though. I should really get back to walking too. Last time I really took walking seriously I ended up dropping about 35 lbs. I want to do that again and then some. The whole goal here is to just feel better.

Job. Probably one of the most important ones. I think I made some progress by at least having a job interview. Now I just need something to fall into place for me so I can live a little bit more. Money would be great too. Also meeting new people and whatnot. This will happen in time I just have to keep on trying.

My license. I've wrote about this one a ton of times before this time I am really serious though. Serious enough that I actually went to the DMV yesterday to get my temps. Of course I did not realize I had to retake the test and well that did not go over too well. I got a 73 perc on the test. I got the majority of the common sense ones right but then some stumped me. Embarrassing that I failed the test but whatever I'll go back there again and retake it then I can work on getting out on the road. I think I am more serious about my license then a job at the moment. This one is really long overdue though, I'm 32...I should of had this a long time ago.

My GED. This is a monkey that has been on my back for a long time and I need to get rid of it. I can't help but feel like shit about myself and think I am stupid for never graduating high school or waiting so long to get my GED. If I could go back and change things I would but I can't so it is time to move on and work on the things that I can still change. People probably look at me as if I am dumb, a loser, etc. That is fine, at least deep down I know otherwise.

I want to go see Catina. She likes it when I mention her in my blogs but thats not really the reason why I'm mentioning her. She is really special to me and I'm quite fond of her. It is nice to have someone care about you and really make it feels like you do matter. She is just coming off a horrible ending to a long term relationship though. The dumb ass walked out on her and her two kids. She is a bit scared to get too close to someone and end up having her heart broken again. I can totally understand that. I have my own trust issues and I would rather not have my heart broken again. I try really hard not to be pushy with her but it is hard cause when I fall for someone I fall pretty hard. I'm being patient cause I know deep down that there is something really special here. Anyways though I need to accomplish some of the other things before I can pull this one off. I'd rather not go to see her and be like "Hi I'm Nick...I am a loser". Though I don't think she would ever think of me like that so this is probably more of a do it for me type thing then anything else. I don't know where all of this is going to go exactly but I'm really thinking that the journey to the final destination may be very well worth it.

People probably think I'm really nuts and I am not thinking clearly. If people want to believe that it is fine. I'm thinking more clearer then I have in a long time. Even if I have any doubts, fears, etc I am thinking clearly. I know what I want and I know what I need to do to get it. There are other things that were on my list but those five are the main ones for the moment.

I think that is all for now. I could probably write more but this has already turned into a mini novel so I shall stop there.

9/18/2011

Sleepless Nights

I haven't been able to sleep much lately. Like this morning for example it got to be a little bit after 6am and it is like my body was saying to me "Ok Nick time to wake up". Yesterday it was 430am. Who the hell wakes up that early when they don't have work or kids? Me apparently. Although I am not really complaining. My mood has been way too good lately to really care about a lack of sleep.

Literally I feel like I am bouncing off the walls lately. Like ok for example I woke up this morning but I did actually lay back down and try to go back to sleep but my mind was racing with tons of thoughts and it seemed like I'd rather be awake then sleeping cause what if I miss something important while I was asleep. I don't want to miss anything important! I guess in a way I would say I am almost too happy to sleep. That does sound sorta mental. I guess I've never really been a happy person and now that I feel happy I guess I want to make every minute of my life count and I can't do that while I am sleeping. Though I am sure all the chicks I have sex dreams about will be disappointed, they won't be getting any from me in the dream world anytime soon.

Anyways I am feeling better. I thought I may have a cold coming on but I am not sure I feel like that anymore. I felt kinda weird up until we finally got some food in this house yesterday. Nice bowl of soup and then Papa Murphy's pizza and I felt totally better. I'm too much in a good mood to be sick! With that being said lets hope I can maintain this mood.

I made a to-do list yesterday morning. I'm not going to go through the list though. I am pretty serious about this list. Normally when I give myself things I want to do I don't write it down and I just kinda keep the list in my head but this one I actually took the time to write it down and I have it sitting in front of me so I can look at it periodically throughout the day. Some of these things on the list are easy and some will take a little bit of effort. I can do it.

Starting watching True Blood last night with Catina. She has been trying to get me to watch the show for a long time now. So finally last night I started watching it. Kinda funny we are watching the show together online from the very beginning. It was kinda like this: "You ready? Yes I am. Ok click play!". Yep we might just be dorks but that is ok. So far I think the show is good. Only made it through 2 episodes so far but it has my interest already. Can't wait to watch more.

What a nice guy I am too. Catina isn't feeling good cause she has an ear infection so I took the time to make her a get well card to mail to her. Yes the card is a little bit lame but eh I wasn't trying to impress anyone with my drawing skills or anything. To me it is really important if you care about someone to let them know and that is all I was doing.

Packers play the Panthers today. I can't see the Panthers beating the Pack. Cam Newton had a great first game for the Panthers but they played the Cardinals and the Cards are definitely not the Packers. They don't have as good as a defense as we do. I totally think we will get to Newton and rattle him. The Packers will win big today and Rodgers will have a monster day. I didn't like Rodgers at first mostly because of Favre but now I am a member of the Aaron Rodgers fan club. Sorry Favre, I still think you are one of the greatest and it was awesome to see you do the things you did in a Packer uniform but I have moved on.

Well that is all for now. Go Pack go and yay for being happy!

9/17/2011

The Dells Trip part 2

So it is 5:30 in the morning and I can't get back to sleep. I figure now would be a good time to write part 2. Yesterday I was just not feeling really well at all. I woke up at the hotel and I felt sick. Like I had this chest congestion that went to my throat. I also felt like really cold and then suddenly I was burning up. I had to go open up the patio door and stand there, mind you it was in the 30s at that time. I tried to eat some food and I pretty much felt like I wanted to puke at the sight of it. I really thought I was not going to last through a 2 hour car ride home. I did though and I feel ok for the most part this morning. I get really bad anxiety and when I think I am sick it gets worse. Either way I think I am alright now. Maybe I was just looking for an excuse to stay in the Dells a day longer?

Let me see, I wrote about the trip on Tuesday so lets talk about the other two days I was there. On Wednesday we went to Pizza Pub for all you can eat pizza and pasta lunch. I really believe I ate way too much food but oh my God was it awesome! The pasta for the day was spaghetti, it changes from day to day. Later on me and my father went to downtown Dells to check out the stores and whatnot. They have some cool stuff down there and a lot of funny t-shirt places. The problem is none of the sizes are big enough for a fat person. So it's like I couldn't get anything. That was a bit disappointing but it also prompted me to say I am definitely losing weight! Not much else happened that day. I did go for a walk by the hotel and discovered the pathway led right down to Lake Delton. So that was pretty cool.

On Thursday we decided to go for a car ride to Plainfield, Wisconsin. The cemetery there is the burial place of serial killer Ed Gein. It is an unmarked grave cause people stole the headstone before but he is located right by other members of the Gein family. I thought it would be no problem to find it cause I kinda watched a youtube video on about where it is. Well, I couldn't find it. I walked around that cemetery for a good 20-30 minutes and I could not find it. So we ended up leaving and of course I was pretty disappointed that we couldn't find it. We get back to the hotel and I looked it up on youtube and then was mad to discover that I was right by the damn grave and I did not see it. Ugh! Oh well some other day I suppose. The rest of the day was pretty uneventful other then me walking around making that stupid video that I posted in part 1.

Was a nice getaway. I always like going there on vacation. It is peaceful and beautiful and it helps me think quite a bit. It also helps that lately I have been in a good mood. Now that my vacation is over it is time to get some things done that I need to do. I think that as long as I can maintain some level of happiness like I have been able to then anything is possible.

9/16/2011

The Dells Trip part 1

Instead of doing an actual blog I figured I'd post a video of my vacation at the Dells. It is nothing special, it is just the condo we stayed at. Next blog will be more about the trip. I have no desire to write atm cause I am sorta feeling under the weather. So enjoy the video in the meantime.

9/13/2011

ROAD KILL! TIRE KILL! TRASH KILL!

So we made it to Wisconsin Dells today. Pretty nice weather here. Not a drop of rain in sight. The nights are suppose to be cool but that is quite alright. It is really peaceful and beautiful here. I would much rather prefer to live somewhere like here instead of Milwaukee.

I just got out of the jacuzzi. I can't even begin to explain how relaxed I feel. Like seriously this may be the most relaxed I have felt in a very long time. Now if only I could take the jacuzzi home with me. Oh that would be great. Its amazing that I am pretty afraid of water but yet I can go into a jacuzzi with very little problems. Not that I am complaining though, this is a good thing.

We haven't done much here yet, then again we only got here earlier this afternoon. We went to Walmart and bought a shit ton of snacks. Seriously when I go back home I am going to be really serious about the diet. I'm going to need to lol. Not sure what we are planning on actually doing while we are here. We don't normally plan though, we just kinda decide ok lets go do that! Although driving to Plainfield to see Ed Gein's grave is a high possibility at this point.

The trip up here was interesting enough that I felt it deserved a blog. First off we were barely even on the road when my father starts complaining about other drivers. Remember people he is the only driver out there who knows what he is doing! Well as we are driving along we are coming across a lot of road kill and pieces of tires all over the place. So my father decides to start saying out loud when we come across something. When we came across dead animals he would say "ROAD KILL". When we came across tire parts he would say "TIRE KILL". At one point we came across garbage in the road and he said "TRASH KILL". I'm like trash kill? He said yeah there was a trash bag in the road. I just started laughing. Frankly most of the way here I was like laughing. Then there was the ant incident. There was an ant in the car that crawled on him. He freaked out. He was like how the hell did an ant get in here. I am like I dunno. He kept going on about it then he was like I was about to pull in the emergency lane just to kill an ant. I started laughing cause that just sounded so ridiculous. Funny but ridiculous. Eventually I found the ant and killed it but like the last 20-30 minutes in the car he kept questioning where it came from. Many laughs today=a good start to this vacation.

Despite me feeling somewhat exhausted from traveling and after a nice relaxing jacuzzi I am in a very good mood. I wish I could feel like this all the time. I guess the challenge for me is being able to stay like this despite what may be thrown my way. I say bring it on! I don't want this feeling to go away. When Nick is happy the world is a brighter place and I am sure my friends will say that it tens to rub off on other people. Either way I can't complain. Oh wait, sure I can. The only complain I have is that a certain person lived just a tad bit closer. Who knows though, down the road even that could possibly change. I dunno I'm beginning to really think a new Nick is upon us and I don't think that will be a bad thing. It will be a good thing.

Hope everyone is well.

9/12/2011

5/6/07

Only one person would know what the title is in reference too, if she reads this of course. By the way, hi Catina! Oh my God see I even mentioned you by name this time! Ok enough of that. I've been in a fairly good mood today so I figured I would write a little bit. I had some ideas of what I was going to write but then I decided eh I'll just write and see where I go. If I happen to go all over the place in this blog I am sorry.

I'm feeling a little less stressed. Actually to be totally honest I've been in a really good mood today. Somewhat hyper I guess. I just hope its not like a one time thing and tomorrow I go back to hating the world. I doubt that though since we are going to the Dells tomorrow. I am really looking forward to that. We don't even have to be really doing anything but just being there in the Dells is good enough for me. I think my father is happy about going, in fact he had a lot of his crap packed by noon today. Mind you we are not leaving until like noon tomorrow. Me on the other hand I will most likely do all my packing like 30 minutes before we leave. Typical for me. I work better under pressure.

Got my haircut today. I actually think I look good. I never usually think I look good, ok on occasion I may have these moments where I do but today I was really feeling it. Took a bunch of pictures to plaster on facebook. I feel so lame doing shit like that. It's like oh my god look at my picture I look so hawt please tell me I'm hawt so I don't take a razor blade to my fucking wrist! I'm totally not like that at all. Some attention is fine though but yeah I see people plaster pictures all over the internet in a hope that someone will make them feel better about themselves. Newsflash, that shit doesn't really work and in the end you may just be asking for trouble.

I might be getting visitors for a change come next summer. I know that is a long way off but still oh my God people coming to visit me in Wisconsin! No way! Cool shit like that never happens to me. Andrew and his wifey might be coming here for vacation. Well actually we would be going to Wisconsin Dells. I guess I made a pretty good pitch to Andrew to get him to be interested in coming here. The Dells are a lot of fun and there is a ton to do there. Guess I sold it well. He may not be the only coming here for that though. The female who shall remain nameless (despite the fact that she is actually mentioned in the first paragraph I kinda like referring to her like this) could possibly be coming too. Oh lord this vacation is MANY months away and it may turn into something EPIC.

Should I explain the title of my blog? Nah, it is more fun to keep people guessing.

I think this is all I will say for now. I might possibly update while I am at the Dells, assuming we have internet access. Hope everyone has had a good day. Sometimes it is just really nice to just be able to sit here and smile and really not worry about much of anything. I mean sure there is quite a bit on my mind but whatever. Worrying about stuff never usually accomplishes much anyways. So you know I'm just going to enjoy this time right now and be as happy as I can.

9/10/2011

Burning leaf

Think I've been avoiding my blog. I've been wanting to write but at the same time eh I have lacked motivation. September hasn't been off to an exactly great start. I keep telling myself it will just get better just keep on pushing Nick. I also tell myself things are never really as bad as I make them out to be which is totally true. At the end of the tunnel there is a light, I have to sort through all the bullshit to get there. On the other hand there are some things that have made this month not so bad.

Me and my father are heading to the Dells for a few days. I am looking forward to it. I totally love the Dells. We never really do a whole heck of a lot there but it is just nice to getaway. I'm sure I will be spending most of my time sitting in the lounge chair looking out at Lake Delton. Of course there is that nice jacuzzi that I will be spending some time in too. Sounds so relaxing at the moment.

Not too long ago I talked about this girl that I liked. She will remain nameless for the moment cause I am not sure she wants me giving out her name anyways. She might not care but eh whatever. We decided that we weren't going to try to make it work. Well I guess we decided that it was premature to decide something like that and we are taking more of a see how it goes type thing. Which I am totally cool with. I've come to the conclusion that even if something is complicated it may very well be worth it in the end to give it a shot. If two people make each other happy then why not just go for it? If something is meant to be then it will play out in the end. Frankly I am not all too concerned about whatever might be complicated, I enjoy spending time with her and if there is one person who understands me besides Andrew it would be her. So we'll see what happens.

The Packers opened up the season with a thrilling 42-34 win over the Saints. They were really trying to give me a heart attack at the end there but they pulled it out. I look forward to a good season and I feel that their offense is going to give a lot of teams problems. Packers will repeat.

I suppose I can mention the not so good. My anxiety has been bad lately. So have my mood swings. I blame stress and sometimes just not knowing how to deal well with my inner demons and/or failure. Failure? I am referring to my job hunting. I assume I am not getting the job at Piggly Wiggly. I am really disappointed. I wanted this job quite a bit. I am more then qualified for it. The problem is I am going on 6 years of being out of work. I know that looks horrible. It is not entirely my fault. I do have to take the blame for some of it though. Laziness and whatnot. I've tried and tried and I really have had no luck. It is really getting to me lately. I don't want to sit here any longer without a job. I feel like shit the majority of the time. There is so much I want to do and I feel like I can't do anything. I'm not really whining I am just frustrated. I can't get out of this slump until I get a job and I most likely can't get a job cause they look at how long I have been out of work and they think oh my god that is horrible. I think my experience in grocery stores is another downside too. They are looking for employees they can pay for cheap. They figure with my experience I may want a decent amount of money. Newsflash people, I don't care much about the pay. I want a job. I want health insurance. I want somewhat of a life. I could care less if you pay me 7 bucks an hour or 10 bucks an hour. So why do I think I didn't get this job? Well the fact that I know of at least 2 people that they hired over me with 0 grocery store experience. Yeah I was picked over for people who had absolutely no grocery store experience despite the fact I have like 4 years. This explains my moods lately but in the end bitching is not going to get me anywhere. I have to do what I can to go ahead and find something and I will. I'm going to have to settle for something and then probably work my way back up. If that is what it takes then I will definitely give it a try.

On Labor Day we had a cookout and afterward I sat outside by the grill watching the fire and enjoying the beautiful weather. A lot of times I just like to sit outside and just take everything and think. I seem to think better when I am in a calm setting, or if im on the toilet taking a crap. I seem to get a lot of good ideas there. One would say I shit greatness. Anyways back to what I was originally saying. I picked up a leaf and put it in the fire and I watched it burn. This is where I got the blog title from. So really I wrote this blog in my head days ago, I am just now doing it.

In the end there will always be road blocks and bumps in the road. We have to learn how to deal with them and keep on moving. If we don't life just passes us by. I believe the greatness a person can show may not always be a person creating something, writing a book, winning a race, etc...it can simply be how the person handles the bumps and bruises associated with life.