i want it all

"I want it all I want it all I want it all and I want it now"

i get inspired to write by the simplest things sometimes...such as songs. sitting here listening to queen and im like hmm maybe i should write. queen is such a great band. freddie mercury is an awesome singer. the first time i had listened to queen was when i was 5. the video for the song "i want to break free", which today remains as one of my favs by that band. the video use to make me crak up cause they were dressing in drag. really sad what happened to freddie mercury. some great people have had their lifes cut way too short imo.

just over a week ago it had been a year since my grandma died. she is in a much better place now. it was hard to see her get old and be sick alot. i guess thats just the process of life though huh? course when we went to visit her grave we went to visit my mom's grave. i started tearing up. its been 12 years but time doesnt always make the pain go away. i still miss her terribly. some days more then others. i feel like my time with her really got cut short. plus i think to this day i regret not spending as much time with her as i possibly could of. i know already she understands but still.

i dont think people under depression quite well. i still deal with it quite a bit, i just never really say much about it. most of the time when people are depressed they really just want to be left alone to deal. some people crave attention however. me when im depressed i isolate myself from the rest of the world. its the best solution for me...well actually no. the best thing for me to do is probably write and get all my feelings out. i guess what im trying to say is when i was a teenager and my mom was sick all the time i was depressed quite alot and it was much easier to deal with myself by being alone in my room doing whatever. i regret a part of that though cause i wasnt around for my mom as much as i should be. 12 years later i shouldnt be beating myself up about it...really im not though, im just getting my thoughts out there.

june is approaching. last june was definetly one of the "wierdest" months ive ever had to deal with. through all the bullshit that i had to deal with in regards to my sister mary i can honestly say i do miss her. despite everything she was still my sister and even if it seemed like i had a hate towards her i really didnt. i guess i just didnt understand what i had ever done wrong to her. of course now i understand things perfectly and the person we dealt with was no longer mary...it was a drug addicted mary. i just hope now she at least has some peace.

in other news the weather got too warm here quickly. into the 80s and humid. i can handle 80s...the humidty though, nope. i swear when it gets humid here it feels alot worse then if i was still in florida. really sucks.

my niece ashley graduated high school. congrats to her...and thanks for making me feel old now that one of my nieces is through high school damn do i feel old. lol.

ive been walking again and slowly getting into the exercise habit again. yes id like to drop weight but its more of trying to be healthy. i dropped 30-35 lbs back in september to december, something like that. i gained 15 lbs of that back. this time around i decided that going for a walk in the morning would be a great idea. supposely thats the best time to go for a walk anyways....right when u wake up and before u eat breakfast. its all about being healthy and yes weight lost would be awesome.

i have other things i could say but this is a good length for a blog so ill end it here. in conclusion i need to write more!


woodpecker from mars

ah the mother of all updates coming up. its a crappy day out today. rainy, windy, and cold. i figured it would be a nice time to sit back and write a bit. i feel motivated! woot!

life hasnt been too bad. well for 2 weeks at least it was good. lol. finally felt like i had a life again for a bit there. yeah thats because reva came back to milwaukee to see me. it was alot of fun and i had a good time and i really wish she didn't have to go back.

another birthday came and went. it was a good birthday. in recent years my bds have always sucked and then i thought to myself whats the big deal anyways? im just a year older, why does it matter if the day sucks or not? well this year was good. reva was here on my bd. then most of my family came over. we sat around, talked, laughed, ate some good food. was nice. pretty much the best part of the day was just having reva here.

her 2 week visit went by way too fast. im not complaining though cause it was great. finally someone who completely understands me and has the tolerance to put up with my shit. someone who laughs at my jokes...and someone who loves my dorkiness. i can be myself and not pretend im someone else. its really nice. despite the distance i can say i am totally happy and there is definetly a future there. now to get over the distance barrier! im patient though cause im pretty sure i have finally found someone special.

while she was here we went to the movies a few times, went for quite a few walks, went to the museum, went to the zoo, took her to our mall (she isnt use to "big malls"), and just pretty much hung out. overal like i said i had fun.

what else is going on? well i decided to transfer my characters off of aerie peak on WoW. i have disliked that server since i first started the game and it got progressively worse. so after nearly 4 years of putting up with the bullshit i moved off the server. so far it was a good move. im liking the new server. of course this caused some bullshit on aerie peak when i left but w/e. its really not important enough to talk about imo.

so to scare a few people out there but in the coming weeks...months i am going to be looking into finally getting my license. yes i know...scary. but the way i look at it is im 31 now and i dont have a license and i really am tired of relying on other people to cart my ass around so its time i finally get that shit done. besides when reva comes back here id really like to be able to drive places with her instead of having my father cart us around. its pathetic.

i really, and yes i know i say this all the time, need to get back into writing. im pretty confident that writing is my calling in life and i just need to do it already. who knows, behind this computer screen could be a best selling author waiting to blossom? we'll see. though im pretty sure the ideas i have are pretty damn awesome.

anyways that is all i have to say for the moment. my blog title has nothing to do with the actual blog, its the title of the song i am listening to at the moment. lol.