The Wait

Patience. It's a virtue right? Something in which I am sure a lot of people lack, including myself. Though over the years I think I've improved in being patient. Doesn't it just suck waiting for things though regardless of what it might be. So here is my current dilemma. For the next six months I am going to have to learn how to be patient.

October was going to be a great month. It is getting cooler outside and the leafs are changing color and are falling. Football season is back. I was going to a concert next month. Most importantly Reva was going to be coming back here to see me. In fact a week from today. Things change though and things don't always go according to how we would like them to. Such is life though I suppose. Without going into much detail Reva can't get the time off so she won't be coming here.

Disappointing? Yes. Bummed out? Yes. End of the world? I don't think this will effect the world ending. Before I go on a rampage that says feel sorry for me and everything I really feel bad for her. She got screwed with non refundable tickets. So she is out quite a bit of money. It really sucks.

The question now is when do I get to see her next? The answer...most likely not until April now. Which is half a year away yet. It will also mean that it will be nearly a year in between us seeing each other. I'm happy to have her in my life just the distance thing really does truly blow. The plan now is for me to go to see her. Which I'm looking forward to. Getting to see a place I've never seen before. Getting to go to Canada again, which I have not done since I was 12. So about 20 years. So in the end things happen and they become out of our control but all is not lost and in the end all you need to do is have a little patience and faith....and well in my case a passport so I can actually go to Canada.

All I can do now is sit here and wait for April to come here. Hence the title of my blog "The Wait". April is my birthday though so that would be a good birthday present. I am turning 32 this upcoming April. Jesus Christ time flies by way too quickly. Before you know it I will be writing that I am turning 40. That is scary to think about.

In other news, as of today we have had Ozzy for a year. Yay. He is a really good and sweet cat. He is trying really hard to get along with the new addition to the house. Ozzy has done a good job though. For the most part Ozzy is pretty well behaved cat. Which is good. Maybe in time I will say the same thing about Loco but as of right now I really can't. Loco is only 11 weeks old though. In time she will calm down. At least i hope so.

With Reva not coming here next month I have a problem with my concert tickets. I really do not like the idea of going alone to see Slayer, Megadeth, and Anthrax. Problem is I do not know anyone to really go with. I think I will ask my sister Cindy. She seems like she would be my one and only option atm. Might be nice to hang out with her and whatnot anyways.

Nothing really exciting to add. Though I think soon people will get a glimpse at my first shot at an actual "writing". No I am not referring to a blog. I am talking about an actual story in which yes I would like to be a book. Yes I've said this before but this time I really do mean it. The working title for my story is "Into the Void". Yes it is not an original title as I got it from one of my favorite Black Sabbath songs but it is at the moment only a working title. I think it is fitting however until maybe I can think of a more creative name. "How to teabag midgets" could work too, well not really since the book has absolutely nothing to do with midgets.

Anyways I am out for now. I've done pretty good updating my blog the past few months. Just keep it up Nick. Maybe I need to do something different or unique for a future blog. How about a video blog? I am wondering how well that would work. Would people actually want to see my ugly face? Then again sometimes people have a way of surprising me.


Five Years Gone

It has been five years since I was last in sunny, warm, and humid Florida. I left for Milwaukee and since then I have not returned to Florida once. Actually I haven't really left Wisconsin since I've been here. Just one time actually, when I went to Georgia to see Andrew two years ago. Hopefully in the near future this will change.

To a point I miss Florida. Despite some of the "not so good times" I had alot of fun there. I also had some descent friends, some of which I have not seen for five years. Plus I had my own apartment. Man do I miss living on my own. It was so fun. Plus I got to walk around naked whenever the heck I wanted. It is good to remember the fun times I had. At least I am not focusing on the bad?

So five years...what have I exactly accomplished? When I thought of this question earlier before I started this blog I had a list of somewhat negative things. I'm not going to list that. It wouldn't be productive of me to focus on negative. So only positives.

Since moving to Milwaukee:
-My blogging/journals have turned from bitchy depressive whining fests to a little more positive upbeat entries. (at least I'd like to think so, if anyone wants to challenge me on that feel free)
-I gave up drinking regular soda. I think this was one big change for me. I would drink soda like crazy. I stopped. For the most part all I ever drink now a days is water or crystal light lemonade.
-I'm in a really good relationship. Sure it is not exactly perfect and there are things that could make it even better but in the end I found someone who is really good for me.
-I'm getting closer to making my first book/story happen. I've been pretty quiet about this up until now but I am confident that I am getting closer to making this dream of mine a reality.
-I finally realized that blaming people for my problems is just not the correct way of doing things. Sure people help me down the road I go but ultimately everything falls on me. If something happens it is up to me to stay on the right track. If I can not do that then I only have myself to blame.

I don't know, I think that is an ok list. I'll get things figured out one day. If it takes me a long time, then so be it. Better late then never.

We thought we had lost Loco this past Friday. In the living room we have this toy with bells on it. Normally when you ring them she comes running in the room. Well we didn't know where she was and I tried ringing these bells repeatedly and she wasn't coming to them. So I got worried. I looked all over the house and I found nothing. I never did look under the couch because I figured if she was there she would of heard the bells and she would of came running. My father did say at one point he did go outside. We feared the worse. We went driving around the block for like 10 minutes or so and we couldn't see anything. I was really upset. Pretty much about to break down into tears. She is only 10 weeks old and such a small thing that she probably wouldn't last very long outside. So I was pretty upset. We got home and I went into the sun room for a second. As I walked out of the sun room there she was right by the couch looking at me. She was underneath the couch. Why she never responded to the bells is beyond me. Needless to say my anxiety had skyrocketed. Which caused me to have chest pains and whatnot for the next three days. Anxiety certainly does suck.

This I believe is a good place to stop. I'll be back again soon though. I have more to say. Until then take care to all my readers. You know, the one or two people who actually do read this.


Rock you like a Hurricane

I'd like to congratulate both of my brothers. My brother Jay and his wife Collette just celebrated their 18th anniversary. My brother Bobby and his life Leanne just celebrated their 23rd anniversary. Nice to see couples who can stay together for a pretty long time. Then you get to someone like me and I was married less then a year. lol. I just find it funny. I am the first and the only person in my family to get a divorce. Let's hope when I get married the second time around I won't go through that again.

Weather has been descent here. However tomorrow it is suppose to be warm and humid again. Just freaking awesome. I mean why not wait until I finally disconnect and put away my air conditioner. Oh wait, it did wait! I just finally decided to put it away cause I figured the warm weather was done. Apparently I was wrong. Oh well. What can you do?

My Packers are off to a 2-0 start. Woot. They dominated the Bills 34-7. Of course it wasn't until after halftime that they dominated. Next up is the Bears on Monday night football. It should be a good game. Probably end up being close but I think the Packers should win. Keep it up boys, I want to see you in the super bowl.

Well I've been out of work for 5 years now. I really can not believe it has been that long. Where was the time went to? I'm trying to break the streak. I really want to break the streak. I'm frustrated at the moment with the progress I am making though. But I just have to keep on trying. Never give up.

It was during September of 04, 6 years ago, that I went through two hurricanes. I never thought of hurricanes to be a big deal. I guess that is because the majority of my life I have lived in Wisconsin so of course it didn't effect me much. I did however have my life turned somewhat upside and inside out two times within three weeks back in Sept of 04.

The first hurricane was hurricane Frances. This storm was a monster at one point. 145 mph winds and was heading straight towards West Palm Beach. 2 days before it made landfall I was a wreck. I guess I never thought of the severity of a hurricane until it was coming right towards us. I remember working at Publix and the store was a mad house. People buying up everything they could before the storm came in. Water, milk, canned goods, etc. Of course being in frozen food I was not busy at all. Can't really buy frozen food for a hurricane. I had a breakdown cause I was scared about what was going to happen within the next few days.

On Friday, the day before the storm was going to make landfall, we went through the motions of preparing to leave the apartment to go by Jen's mom's apartment to ride out the hurricane. We decided to not stay in the apartment. They wouldn't let us put up any type of protection from the storm. No wood to board up the windows, nothing at all. We were allowed to put duct tape on the windows just in case you know the window cracked or something. Yep cause that will survive against 100 mph winds. The big concern was the big sliding glass doors in the living room. If something happened to those the apartment would definitely be in trouble.

During the day on Friday the first rain bands made their way on shore. For me seeing the first rain band ever from a hurricane was a memorable experience. It is just like a normal storm but the band of clouds and rain come in so fast and swirl around the eye. It was fasicinating to me so I grabbed the video camera. Which of course now I can not find this tape. It was just a little bit of rain and wind. Didn't last too long. We ended up going by her mother's house. During the course of the night we had more periodic rain bands come in but overall not too bad.

Saturday is when things started to "heat up". The wind and rain got a bit heavier. Of course at some point we lost power. The storm downgraded to a cat 2 with 105 mph winds. Which is alot better then the 145 mph winds it did have. The bad part was the storm slowed down to basically stalled right on top of us. So that left it for us to get pounded with wind and rain for countless hours. I remember going outside with the dog walking around in the wind and the rain. I wouldn't say the wind was very strong, maybe like 30-40 mph or so. Finally at some point later that night the storm made landfall. The winds and the rain got heavier. I did go outside when it finally made landfall. The winds at this point was very strong. Probably 60 mph easily. I stood in the hallway instead of standing out in the open. God forbid I get hit in the head with a tree or something.

The aftermath. On Sunday we decided that it was safe enough to drive home. We got to our road which was like a mini lake. I know in some spots the water was pretty deep but not too bad. It went down after awhile. There were branches and whatnot scattered all over the place. Some places weren't so lucky. Trees down and other various damage. We were without power and well for an entire day we were without water. Over the course of the next five days we would get power and then lose it. It was pretty annoying from what I can remember. I stayed away from work for a few days and when I did go back that Wednesday I learned that I had lost everything in frozen food. So I was blessed with the task of pulling everything off the shelves, cleaning the shelves, and then shooting away the frozen food that was left on the shelves. Frozen food was kinda fun for a few days. Nothing to do until they reset my aisles. When the frozen food truck came in on Saturday I had alot of people help out in restocking the shelves. It was really nice to have the help. That was also the biggest truck that I had ever seen.

Hurricane Jeanne. I'll begin this one with a little bit of a funny story. Sometimes I have the tenancy to think something or say something and then it comes true. This happens quite a bit in regards to me talking about a movie I haven't seen for quite awhile. Then like a day or two later I see it on the guide for it to be coming on. Anyways they weren't happy with what was going on in frozen food. I had just started to rebuild after losing everything due to the hurricane. They wanted me to overstock the shelves. So I agreed to it. I went to order my truck and it came out to be 900 pieces. Ok mind you this was on a Tuesday nearly three weeks after Frances. My normal trucks for frozen food were 200 to sometimes 400 pieces. So 900 was way more then what I normally ordered. After I put in my order I said "you know now that I am ordering so much shit watch a hurricane head right for us". To this day I wish I would of kept my mouth shut. On Wednesday hurricane Jeanne which was not even heading in our direction did a complete turnaround and was now going to hit us over the weekend.

My truck came in on Thursday and I started stocking it and then was told just to put everything in the cooler and not stock in. Which of course I was super happy about that. I then asked them if I should go as far as to start pulling the stuff off the shelves and put it into my coolers. They said I didn't have to go that far. Of course by Saturday they changed their mind.

On Saturday, the day the hurricane was suppose to hit, I went into work. Jen was freaking out cause I went to work. She thought I should of been at home since we had a hurricane coming towards us. We also decided it would be safe to stay in our apartment this time around. Anyways I get to work and I see a ton of people in frozen food and they are removing all of my stuff. It was decided to move as much as we could into the frozen food cooler as the storm was going to hit us directly and overnight went to a cat 3 storm with over 120 mph winds. My frozen food cooler was stuffed and it was an absolute nightmare. Of course I was a bit mad. I mean why couldn't we of started this days before? Why wait until the day of the hurricane to move all of my shit? We shut the store down early and we tried to move as much as we could. The storm was about to hit.

Got home and it was pretty much play the waiting game. Wait the storm out and hope for the best. With no protection on the windows it was going to be interesting to see how the apartment was going to hold up. As the day progressed the wind got stronger and the rain got heavier. We were lucky to have had power for most of it until about 845 at night. Of course this is when things got worse. As soon as the power went off the wind and rain got worse. I said to Jen that I will not go through another hurricane again, this is too much to handle. As the eye got closer to land the storm got worse. The apartment was shaking back and forth, as was the sliding glass door. Jen took some sleeping pills to fall asleep. Me on the other hand I just laid there in the bedroom listening to the wind and the rain. I don't recall ever feeling so scared in my life. As the winds got stronger the apartment shoke back and forth louder. The winds I say were probably about 100 mph. You could hear the winds roaring over the building and the sounds of things being tossed around. The sliding glass door in the living room was making a ton of noise. As was our front door. I prayed to God to give me strength to make it out of this alive. The wind was so strong you could hear the windows start to make this noise like they were bowing inward. I was waiting for the windows to break at any moment. Then as the eye made landfall and passed north of us the winds changed directions. As the winds changed directions a lot of the noises I heard sounded a bit calmer. Instead of the winds blowing right into our building they were roaring over the building now in the opposite direction. Which was good as the winds were not directly hitting our windows anymore. Finally at some point during the night I did manage to fall asleep.

After the storm we were without power for not even a full day. Alot more damage with this storm. Fortunately for us nothing was damaged. We did dodge a bullet though. In front of our apartment building by the stairs there was a pretty big tree trunk. This trunk actually blew right over the building and landed in front of the building. I can't imagine what would of happened had it not flown over the building and instead flew right through the building.

I was called on Sunday by my store manager saying I had to be at work on Monday. Of course I was scheduled off but I still went anyways. I didn't lose all my frozen food this time around. I did lose some stuff though. I remember everyone working in frozen food and our store manager helping out and even giving us free ice cream to eat while we were working. The worse part of everything was the fact that alot of my ice cream had melted onto the shelves. That was just totally awesome cleaning all of that shit up. It could of always been a lot worse.

Overall though looking back at it I am thankful to have experienced that and lived to talk about it. Lots of people go through natural disasters and other various things and never get a chance to share their experiences with others. I consider myself lucky.

In closing, here is a funny thought for everyone. Before I got married in April of 2004 West Palm Beach hadn't gotten directly hit by a hurricane in a very long time. I forgot the exact time but it was pretty long. While I was married in September of 04 Palm Beach was directly hit by two hurricanes within three weeks. In Feb of 05 I got a divorce. Since then, even though they did have hurricane Wilma go over them, Palm Beach has not been hit directly with a hurricane. So there you have it, my marriage caused Palm Beach to get hit with 2 hurricanes.

That last paragraph is meant to be a joke but it is something funny to consider. Until next time, take care everybody.


I Remember

Friday night. Nothing special going on as usual. But I guess that is just how it goes sometimes. I can remember back when I was in school I always looked forward to Fridays. It meant the weekend was here and there was usually something going on. Now a days though, not even close to being the same anymore.

My friends usually stayed over most weekends. They always liked coming here to sleepover. On a rare occasion I would stay at one of their houses. The difference with staying here was I lived in the basement. There was always a ton of room down there. I had my big bed, a descent size couch, a reclining chair, and then another S-shaped bed. I forgot what they are called but people did actually sleep on it. We always had fun with our sleepovers. I personally think they just wanted to come over to watch my porn movies. I had a descent collection when I was a teenager. Usually I would put it on for them and then walk away and go upstairs talk to my mom or something. I dunno, there was just something weird to me sitting around with a bunch of guys watching a porn together. Sausage fest. Does that make me weird cause I wouldn't watch porn with my friends? I just never felt comfortable with it.

Usually when they would sleep over the next day we usually went out and about. South ridge mall mainly. We would take buses to get out there. We even did it during a pretty descent snowstorm. Waiting two hours at a bus stop in heavy snow was definitely a lot of fun. Sometimes we thought it would be fun to try and dodge the oncoming traffic on 76th street. One time in particular I tripped over a pothole with cars coming. I thankfully maintained my balance and didn't fall. One of the biggest things with us was buying walk mans and seeing who could come up with the best sounding system. It was fun to compete against each other. I believe it was usually me who came out on top. I had to always have a loud system to blow my ear drums out. Maybe that is why I'm hard of hearing? Nah, I pass it off as selective hearing.

One of the funniest sleepovers we had took place in this house of course. Jeff, Brent, and Collin slept over. We were all camping out in the living room. That night we decided to torment whomever went to sleep first. Jeff was the first victim. When he fell asleep Collin put pencils up his nose and then we took my socks and put them on his head. Jeff woke up and was mad. The next victim was Brent. What was done to him was way worse. First we started off with the pencils in the nose. Then we put all kinds of random shit in his hair. Sour cream, soy sauce, ketchup I believe, and a few other things I am sure. Then we decided to take some ice cubes and put them down his pants and then his shirt. Minutes later you just hear and see a bunch of ice cubes flying across the room. Then the final act was putting toothpaste in his ear. That is what woke him up. After he woke up and cleaned himself off he came back into the living room. There was silence in the room. You could just sense something was going to happen. Brent then got really upset about the entire thing. He started bitching and then practically crying. He then asked "How would you like it if I did that shit to you guys?". I took one look at Collin and he was about to laugh. I had to walk away and go into another room and I busted out laughing. Not much was said the rest of the night. The next morning Brent said to me he was sorry and the entire thing wasn't a big deal. I don't know if I could of shrugged it off like he did.

There is one event that gets an honorable mention. It was for my 14th birthday. I had Jeff and I believe Brent over. I don't recall everything that went on that night except for one thing in particular. Me and Jeff were in the kitchen with my sister Mary. We had big three litter bottles of cola and Jeff decides it would be a good idea to start shaking it up. Mary kept telling him to stop but when he did he would start up again. He kept doing this when suddenly the cap exploded off the bottle and went flying into the living room. Soda came shooting out all over the place. The walls in the kitchen were pretty well soaked with cola. He went running to the sink with the bottle to try to control the explosion. All I remember doing is just standing here laughing my ass off and was amazed at how far that cap flew. The next morning we spent a portion of my birthday cleaning down the walls. In the end though it was worth it because it was definitely a funny moment worth remembering.

Those were definitely some fun times though. I've always said that I've been through alot in my life, but really who hasn't. What I may fail to mention is that despite alot of things that haven't played out the way I would like it to I still have some good and fun memories for quite a bit of things. It is good to remember and share those times with people.

In other news...Loco is well crazy. Hence the name Loco. I heard this thumping going on by the door so I went to check it out and he is right above the stairs to go into the basement just randomly jumping around into the wall. This cat definitely does have a bit of a personality but it sure can make life interesting.

Went out for Chinese earlier today. The food was pretty good. I felt weird being in there however. We were the only ones in the place who were speaking in English. Ok so I realize it is a Chinese place, however no one was talking in Chinese. It was mainly Spanish. It doesn't bother me that much to be completely honest, I just felt like I was in a foreign country for a little bit there.

Perfect job came and went. Filled it already. Hooray! Woot! Another missed opportunity. It's ok cause eventually even though I get kicked down I am going to get right back up and make it happen. Just wait and see.

Otherwise nothing else is really going on. Same ole stuff, different day. Taking a little trip down memory lane was nice. Maybe I should do it more often. Not everything has to be doom and gloom all the time, or depressive sounding, or angry, or hating the world. Well that isn't how I want people to see me at least.



How nice is this? Sitting outside on the bench on the porch writing. This is exactly why I wanted the laptop for. It is gorgeous out here. Bit of a breeze, not many clouds in the sky, kinda cool. It's absolutely perfect. Can't really complain all too much, or can I?

The new kitty is working out fine. We named her Loco. She is already pretty attached to me. Follows me around and tries to sleep with me at night time. She is a really sweet and playful kitty. Ozzy and her are still getting use to each other. It's a work in progress but they will get there. She went to the vet today and checked out just fine. Good deal.

Nothing really new is going on. I feel like I have so much I could possibly say though. Do I keep it to myself or do I just let it out? Combination of both possibly. Some things may be better left unsaid or some things may be better not said at all as to not dwell on things I may not have control over. If that makes any sense?

I can't say I'm entirely happy at the moment. It comes down to me pretty much beating myself up about things. I talk about snapping this same ole routine I have but yet when I plan on doing it I never can do it. Maybe I just need to wake up one day and instead of planning stuff just randomly do it and stick with it.

The whole job thing frustrates the hell out of me. Some of the positions I apply for I am more then qualified for. This is what makes me think maybe I am missing something. Maybe I am destined for something better, something greater. The only thing I can think of is the whole writing thing. It seems to be the one thing I'm really good at, or at least I think I am. Is this why I'm having such horrible luck with the job hunting? Maybe it is like this because God wants me to realize that my gift is with writing and my writing will bring me the most success. For all I know I probably have everything figured out already and I just need to find in my heart what it is I am looking for.

Overall I can't really complain much. Compared to how I felt a few years ago I'd say overall my mood, my attitude, etc has changed dramatically. Even in my blogs, sure I mention depressing stuff but people who have read my stuff from years back can tell the difference in my writing how things have changed with me. Life is only as difficult as a person makes it. Sadly I make it way more difficult then I should be. I have to say though I am thankful to wake up everyday and to be alive. Some people have it way worse then me. If I could make life simpler for not only myself but for other people I would.

Suddenly after writing this I feel somewhat a bit better then what I was. See Nick that wasn't too hard to find an answer to help you out when you aren't feeling like yourself. All you have to do is write. Who cares if it is pointless or a bunch of jumbled words or if it doesn't make sense. The important thing to remember is this is who I am and these are my thoughts and feelings. I'm neither right nor am I wrong, I'm being myself.


Luck overdue

Well I finally got what I wanted. My very own laptop to work on my writing, whether it be blogs or something else. Kinda screwy how this took place though. Like I said in a previous blog I got my father's computer a virus yet again. Well he ended up getting it fixed and then he decided to keep the old one to himself and I got the new one. Not exactly how I had planned that to happen but eh whatever. Maybe now I can focus more on writing. It is sort of nice to be able to drag the laptop wherever I want. Right now I'm sitting here in the kitchen blasting music writing away. I think that is why I don't write as much as I could be because I had limited areas to go to when I wanted to write. Hell if I feel like sitting in front of a desktop computer all day long to write. Now I can do it from wherever I want. Yay.

Wow that was a lot of rambling already. So the big news from today is we got another cat. She is only a kitten, like 6-7 weeks old. She is so small and adorable. Only been a few hours so the jury is still out on how her and Ozzy are going to get along. I think they will be just fine in the long run. It may take a bit of getting use to. Either way it should make life a little bit more interesting around here.

Today is 9-11-2010. 9 years ago America was brutally attacked by terrorists. Over 2000 people were killed and the lifes of all of us were changed forever. I remember that day pretty well still. Jen had woken me up by saying that a plane had flown into the world trade center. I was thinking to myself wow what a dumb ass. Of course then while me, her, my father, and Mary were watching the news reports a 2nd plane came crashing into the building. I was pretty scared at this point, I mean would they honestly attack Milwaukee or something? That didn't matter. Every airplane I heard that entire day I was pretty freaked out. I had to go to Sentry to work that day. I really did not feel like working due to fear of what else might happen. That is all I really remember about that day. To all the people who lost their lifes because of senseless acts of violence we will never forget. God bless.

There is a job opening at Pick N Save for frozen food/dairy lead. Could this be the job for me? I think it is perfect for me. When I was at Publix I took care of frozen food and then I took care of dairy. I enjoyed frozen more then dairy of course but this is something I can totally do and I am qualified for. I would be so happy if I got called in for an interview. This is exactly what I want to do. Wish me some luck. I know somewhere out there I have to have a strain of good luck.

Speaking of good luck...my father got a bunch of lottery tickets. Wouldn't that be nice huh? Honestly the first thing I would do if I got money I would take my ass to a doctor and get me all fixed up with everything. I mean sure I wouldn't mind going out and going on a spreading spree or traveling or whatever but first and foremost would be my health. What good is spending money and traveling if my health isn't that great?

In other news I picked up the Sims 3. Ok, I thought the original sims was pretty addicting but this one is worse. It is so much more advanced then the original game. I got it on Thursday and when I put it in and got my character made and all set up before I knew it 3 hours passed by. Then later on I put the game on around midnight and next thing I know it is 3am. So addicting and also pretty fun. I haven't played it in almost 24 hours though so yay for being able to control addictions.

Packers start the regular season tomorrow. I am predicting that they go 12-4 this year and they will be in the super bowl. Of course if things like Rodgers getting hurt or the O-line not being to protect happen or even the defense having random breakdowns in big games then they could have a rough time. I think they will do great this year though. Plus hooray for football season. Been waiting awhile for it to begin.

Anyways until next time care everyone. Wish me luck...and GO PACKERS!


Wake Me up when September ends

Well hello again. I've been meaning to write, I just haven't brought myself to do it until now. The title of the blog I realize is a Green Day song. I liked the title so yep I'm using it.

September got off to a little bit of rough start. Of course it left me wanting this month to end already and it just started. I've managed to calm myself down now though. I hate being depressed. I hate how I get when I'm depressed. I pretty much hate the world and I refuse to let myself get into a long drawn out stage like that again. Life is too damn short to have that kind of attitude.

The very first day of this month I really don't know what came over me. I had I think 3 or 4 emotional breakdowns within 2 days. It was pretty bad. I hadn't been like that in a really long time. No matter what I was doing I broke out in tears. I couldn't pinpoint a direct cause of it. I think I just felt overwhelmed by a bunch of different emotions. The main one I think is loneliness. Granted I am in a relationship and I am happy. Long distance relationships though...ugh! Before I go any further I just will say that the only thing I would change about it is...the distance. Otherwise I'm fine with it.

I managed to get my father's laptop full of viruses again. I rock. Seriously. Two times in a matter of months. This one really ticked me off though. I was just browsing around on muchmusic.com and bam. So he took the laptop in and then decided to buy a new one. lol. The new one is pretty nice. So if his old one gets fixed one of the laptops will most likely go to me. Which is awesome and will help with my writing cause I can drag the laptop anywhere to write. Yay!

For Labor day I decided to make stuffed shells and invite people over. It was a spur of the moment thing. I made three pans of shells. They consisted of ground beef, chicken, and just cheese. It takes me forever to prepare and stuff all the shells, like nearly three hours. Of course in the end it is worth it. Everyone loves my shells. They were pretty good this time around. Have quite a bit left over...along with tons of poppy seed cake that my aunt Judy made. I do actually enjoy having family over for dinner like that. It is always interesting and entertaining. I should do it more often.

The weather has turned rather nice out now. We went from constant 80s-90s and humid to 60s-70s with low humidity...and we were in the 50s at night time. Friday night at one point it was 51 with a brisk wind. I was actually cold. I wrapped myself up in a blanket. It was nice and refreshing though. I sat outside for awhile earlier just taking it all in. It was really beautiful out. It was pretty cloudy but sitting outside in the fresh air was really just relaxing.

I guess the other thing that has been bugging me besides feeling a bit lonely is the fact that I rarely go through with stuff I want to do. There is so much stuff I want to do or should be doing but I never do it. It's like I need a major kick in the ass or something. I keep saying to myself ok Nick you really just need to do something to break the cycle of day in and day out useless shit that you do and just do something useful for a change. This is just something that has been eating away at me for years. How does one break a cycle that they have gotten so use to? How does a person just finally say enough is enough and get motivated to do something? I'm really not looking for someone to answer me. Pretty much if I'm ever going to come up with answers to all of my questions I know it's going to come from myself...not someone else.

My uncle has been in Milwaukee since last week Tuesday. Since he went out to Indiana we don't see him very often anymore. It is nice having him around though. It keeps my father occupied too, and gives him someone new to complain to all the time. Yay me, I get a break from it!

Thinking back to the title of the blog, it is a very true statement in my world right now. October will bring fall colors, Halloween, cooler weather, I get to go to a concert next month, and most importantly I get to see Reva again. So yes bring on October and let September end quickly.


Am I Dead?

Over the years I have had some pretty vivid and intense dreams. Sometimes they just seem to real that when you wake up you have to convince yourself that it was just indeed a dream. I had one of those types of dreams Monday night/early Tuesday morning. I felt like I should write about it.

In the dream I am in my computer room. In my computer room besides having my computer in here I have a small bed. I never really sleep on it cause well it is not the most comfortable thing in the world. I chose to sleep on the futon in the other room. Probably cause I fall asleep alot while watching tv.

I am sleeping in my bed in the dream. As I am sleeping I can hear noises going around me. It sounds like little kids. I passed it off as more then likely being ghosts. The phone rings. It only rings once. Enough to cause me to open up my eyes though. As I wake up and I'm laying there in bed I'm still hearing noises. I decide to turn over and I look to my other room. In the other room I see what looks like a person to be standing there. Freaked out and feeling a sudden rush of adrenaline I jump out of bed. I run into the other room and I take a flying leap at this person. I tackle it down to the ground. Whatever this thing was it turns into a stuffed teddy bear. I smack it across the room. Confused I go back into the other room. Near my bed I find all kinds of stuffed animals laying around. I yelled out "where the hell did these all come from?". I then go back my computer and I notice the internet is completely out.

Scared and not knowing what is going on I decide to run downstairs. As I am rushing down the stairs I am screaming for my father. I finally reach his room and he is laying there in bed. Something just does not seem right at all. He looks like he is scared as he is completely wrapped up in a blanket like he is frighten. I explain to him what had happened. He then starts talking about how he was hearing little kids running and playing around. I notice that everything just seems sorta blurry. It's like my father is there and I'm there but it seems as if I am almost in another dimension. My father then says something to the effect of look at the lights on the ceiling. I look at the ceiling and there are lights moving around. Everything seems so blurry and fuzzy. I rub my eyes hoping to clear out the fuzziness or maybe even wake myself up. I hear my own voice in my head asking questions. Am I still asleep? Is this all just a dream? Why can't I wake up? Am I dead? Maybe I am a ghost? The fuzziness and blurriness goes away. My father is nowhere to be found. Now it is just a blank space. Suddenly this hand comes out of nowhere and grabs me by my mouth. The hand starts pulling and tugging at me as if it were dragging me somewhere. Where was it dragging me? Was it dragging me to hell or something?

This is when I wake up. Gasping for air. I lay there for a little bit trying to regain my composure. Telling myself it is ok Nick, that was just a dream. It took me a little bit. I got up from bed and nearly stumbled as I felt dizzy and disorientated. I then said to myself "I don't think I'm going to attempt to go back to sleep".

Scariest dream I've ever had? Maybe. It was also pretty realistic. It's not the first time I've had a dream in which I woke up and had to talk myself out of thinking it was real. I'm sure it won't be the last one either.