broken, beat & scarred

"You rise, you fall.
Your down then you rise again.
What don't kill you make you more strong."

gee i was writing alot and then wham i disappear. i havent been feeling all too well so i havent been in the mood for writing. though i know from past experiences that sometimes the most positive things come out of something negative, i just didnt feel like writing.

about 2 weeks ago i started having really weird head pain/discomfort. its kinda hard to describe i guess it felt like pressure in my head. i felt disorientated and lightheaded but i was able to still do things. it got me really scared. the only time i felt ok was if i had cold wash cloths or ice on my head or i was laying down. i really had no idea what was going on so i decided it was time to go get checked out. i went to urgent care. got looked at by a doctor and it ended up being an infection from my stupid broken tooth. so i was put on antibiotics cause of it. my blood pressure was also out of whack and the doctor said i needed to probably get it checked out. she refered me to a free clinic that would help me out. she asked me what my normal blood pressure is and im like u know i dont think ive ever taken it when i didnt have anxiety lol.

so this past tuesday i go to a free clinic. i was pretty nervous. i mean ive never dealt with free clinics before but i figured eh what can they really do to help people but i went anyways. the doctor i had there was really nice too. asked me all kinds of questions. seemed to have a really good bedside manner. my bp was pretty high still so he gave me samples of pills to take and told me to come back in 2 weeks to see how they are doing. we also talked a bit about my anxiety and that. im sure my anxiety does not help my bp at all. they also tested me for diabetes, which thankfully i do not have. the doctor just told me things i can do to help my bp which of course meant exercise and dieting.

ive been kinda mellow for the past few days since i started taking these bp pills. little to no anxiety which for me is awesome. i think i have been worrying alot about my bp and that caused alot of anxiety and i guess since im on pills for it i figure im on the road to recovery so my anxiety hasnt been too bad lately. though i still worry bout stuff and im constantly thinking i believe i have mellowed out a bit.

since my sister's death i been trying to change my lifestyle a bit. i was reckless with eatting and getting no exercise. coming from a family with history of heart disease, diabetes, high bp, etc that was a pretty big mistake. her death has changed my life dramatically. sometimes i guess a person needs something horrible to happen to make them realize that they are off track. i dont consider myself to be on a diet. i try to watch more of what i eat. i also tend to eat fruits and stuff for snacks. i try to cut off eatting by 8-9pm at night, that was a major change for me. of course i mentioned this in an earlier blog. this week i added in walking to my routine. usually 30 min walks. i decided to finally weigh myself and to my surprise since the last time i had my weight taken ive dropped 25 pounds. that was a nice pleasant surprise and the biggest confidence boost i needed about this whole new thing im doing. see not everything has been bad.

i want to make mention about my sisters death. when i wrote the blog about her i had assumed she committed suicide. actually thats pretty much what everyone assumed im sure. well it came back that the cause of her death was natural causes. she had an enlarged heart, high blood pressure, etc. though im sure years of drug abuse didnt really help her out at all it is listed that she died naturally. so according to the coroner she did not commit suicide.

about 4 years ago i moved back from west palm beach to milwaukee. i kinda wish i could have some of those 4 years back. i feel like i wasted alot of time doing nothing. wasted alot of time being angry and blaming other people for pretty much everything. i kinda shut down and stayed to myself and i didnt want to take responsibility for anything in my life. it was always someone else's fault or something that had happened was to blame. i have a really shitty way of dealing with things. yes i went through some really crappy stuff such as a divorce but i spent so much time thinking of the negative out of all of that to see that there is alot of positives that came out of everything negative that has gone on. thankfully ive kinda started to see that positives do come out of the negatives and because of that i think im well on my way to becoming the person i should be. that is why i quoted lyrics from "broken, beat & scarred" because they totally fit into my line of thinking.


fight fire with fire

"Fight fire with fire
Ending is near
Fight fire with fire
Bursting with fear
We all shall die"

morbid start to my blog. im sorry. that song was in my head at the time that i opened up the window. old metallica ftw. what metalhead can say they dont like at least the old metallica stuff? me on the other hand ive liked just bout everything they have done. im open to all types of music like that. i say that as a sheena easton song pops on my playlist. hey i cant help it, morning train was a catchy tune!

and how is nick? nick isnt too bad. wow is this the same nick who in some of his blogs talked bout depression and negative this and negative that. yes folks, may be hard to believe but im that same nick. im not going to say everything is 100% perfect cause who the hell is ever 100% perfect all the time anyways? and if they are i have to call bullshit. i dont think its humanly possible. ok i rambled...like i do and got off track. nick is doing ok. i still have various little health issues but i guess if i can remain stress free as much as i can i feel ok.

got a haircut yesterday. it looks good. and thank god for someone who knows how to listen and do exactly what i wanted. i dread getting my haircut cause they never do it the way i want it done and this lady got it right. finally. thank you god for putting a woman on this planet who listens to me! yeah i had to put in a woman bashing comment, it wouldnt be me if i didnt. many people know im just joking when i do, or do they?

job hunting. i really dont see why i should have a problem getting into a grocery store if i really put forth an effort. granted a grocery store job isnt something to like i dunno go ape shit over but its respectable work. i like it. as much as i bitched about publix and sentry i enjoyed working in grocery stores. with all my experience im sure someone is bound to pick me up. of course experience could work against me. thinking that cause of my experience i should get paid more. well its true, i should but really i dont give a shit. i want to get my foot in the door somewhere and start over.

facebook. u know at the beginning of the year i said it was gay. now i am hooked. there are cool little games to play on there but for the most part its because ive been able to reconnect with old friends and people who sorta just disappeared out of my life. i really like it. ive done alot of reconnecting with old friends. and even if i dont talk to all the people who i add to facebook at least i can keep tabs on what is going on in their lifes...something i didnt do before.

speaking of old friends. i may be getting together soon with an old friend of mine from grade school...tommy. its been like 16 years since i last seen him. very long time. we were pretty descent friends in grade school. we went to different middle schools and then at first we were in the same high school but because i didnt want to go to bay view i transfered out to tech. the last time i saw him was at bay view. kinda funny how so much time can pass and then you get a chance to reconnect with someone.

so i had a very weird dream. it started off as a nightmare. if u refer back to my blog "all nightmare long" i talked about some dreams i had reoccuring and whatnot. well this one was one of those freddy krueger dreams. after all these years that son of a bitch can still manage to freak me out. i think it really sucks cause i like his movies. i think he is hilarious. anyways i dont remember much of what happened in the dream i know that somehow i got freddys glove and i assisted him in killing someone. not on purpose, it was like i had no control over it. that wasnt the weird part of the dream. next thing i know im in a limo, i believe it was a limo. i had this chick on top of me. yes we were having sex. but this chick wasnt really human. she was an alien. she was green too. which i guess makes sense in a way since green is my favorite color next to black. she sorta resembled one of the twileks from star wars. dont even say it ananda! i know what u are thinking and yes when i played swg i had a thing for twileks. i couldnt help it! anyways so yeah i was in a limo with this alien chick and we were having sex. you know for being an alien though she was kinda hot. yeah as you all can tell now i havent had sex in a long time, but we wont get into that.

cant really think of what else to write about now. well there are a few things but ill save them for later times.


another life to live

written by...Kathleen N Kendzierski

"Another Life To Live"

Thanksgiving Day, November 24, 1988...a day that changed my life. We were planning to join my sister, Judy, and her in-laws at her house for turkey and the fixings. My job was to bring the rolls. I awoke early so I could run over to the grocery store to buy fresh rolls. I put the coffee on and sat down with a cigarette and waited for the first, freshly brewed cup. The cigarette smoke bothered me so I stubbed it out. By then, the coffee was ready and I poured a cup. Something didn't feel exactly right, but I couldn't put my finger on what was wrong. The coffee didn't taste as good as it had smelled a few moments before - I paced around the kitchen - tried the cigarette again - one puff - put it out again. By then, apprehension set in. My left arm started to hurt ( I had pain in my arms before, especially when I did too much typing) - but - this felt - DIFFERENT. I grew restless. I sat down in my favorite recliner chair and tried to relax, but I couldn't. I felt sweaty, yet chilly, and that darn arm just kept on hurting. I couldn't sit still and was banging me feet together. Finally after a few minutes, apprehension grew into a sense of real fear. But, fear of what? Somehow I knew that I should tell someone and get help. I was the only one up at the time so I woke Bob, my husband. Told him that my arm was hurting and that I felt scared - I couldn't believe it when I started to cry while we talked - asked him to please call the doctor and tell him that there was something wrong with me. He. called. He wasn't able to tell the doctor much because I was crying too much to really say a lot - could only get out that me left arm hurt a lot and that I was scared and sweaty. The doctor told him to take me to the hospital emergency room right away. I started to cry harder, this was a holiday and certainly not a day to go to the hospital! I mumbled something about the rolls and Judy's house while Bob helped me to get dressed. It took a while as I was nervous and growing weak and couldn't get my clothes on.

We left the house, leaving a note for the kids telling them where we went. Upon arrival at the hospital, Bob took me directly to the emergency room while he want to the admissions office to sign me in. The nurses helped me into a gown and started to question me about my history. I became angry and told them I wanted them to just make me feel better. "I can't think with my arm hurting so much, and I just know something is terribly wrong with me." I cried then and they gave me some white, chalky liquid to drink. I thought they were crazy - antacid will NOT fix my arm. I tried to take the stuff but a little sip stuck in my throat and I really had a hard time swallowing it. They prompted me to drink all of it. By now, I was more than angry at them. I told them I couldn't drink that junk and laid my head down on the cot. All of a sudden, everything went black and I heard the nurse say, "No pulse, no respiration" and something else that I couldn't make out. Months later I remembered that they had announced over the pager system "Code 4 Emergency Room". (Code 4 is used by hospitals to announce either a cardiac or respiratory arrest.) Being the only patient in the emergency room at that time, they had to be calling the code on me! Poor Bob was still in the admissions department when they announced the code and he didn't know what was going on - he knew I was the only patient in the ER but he didn't know what Code 4 meant. Someone (I think from Pastoral Care) finally approached him to let him know what was happening.

Deep darkness - I'm hearing talking but can't make it out - I strain my ears, can't understand the words - sounds urgent. Suddenly I'm thinking about reading accounts of other people's "near death" experiences - why am I thinking about this?...could it be?...where's the tunnel?...the LIGHT?.....I look real hard but can't see anything. I don't like this...I can't be dying...I'm too young...I didn't finish that afghan yet and...OH, BOB, HELP ME....I didn't say goodbye or.....I hope he doesn't cry and...Nick...God, he's only a "baby" yet - oh, sure tell me, he's in what, 4th grade?...come on Kath, you would miss all of them...the names came....Bobby...Cindy...Jay...Mary...Trink...Daisy, our dog....the rest of the family, friends, co-workers faces sprang into view.....is this the review of my life?....where the heck is that light? Oh, no, have I been that bad....am I really going to go to.....Please God, I don't want to be here -its dark and chilly and scary. My eyes fly open and I see a doctor leaning over me and he says something like, "Hi, welcome back". Blackness again. Eyes open again, same doctor saying something about a heart attack.

Back and forth between bright overhead lights of the ER and blackness several times. Bits and pieces of conversation - words like heart cath, blood type, blood tests, major MI, diabetes.....is this really ME they are talking about - I don't have diabetes but ......didn't they say I had a major heart attack? I try to talk but something is in my mouth. I try to swallow and can't. I am scared, I start to cry again. Different voices saying something about a ride t ICU. Movement - people fussing about moving me and watching out for the tubes and something about ventilation. Is it warm in here? Boy, do I feel tired! Can't open my eyes. I go to sleep.

Someone is talking to me. I open my eyes and see this young, handsome man by my bed, holding a chart open and saying something about signing a consent form for a "Heart Cath" - he is smiling at me so it must not be too bad. He continues to explain the procedure to me and tears come again. He pats my hand and says it will be "okay" - that they just want to look inside my heart to determine the extent of the damage - so I signed the papers. Wait....did he say damage? What does that mean - oh no, my eyes are closing again. Stop it eyes!!! I want to ask questions. I don't want them to do this to me. I changed my mind.....too late - eyes are closed and there's blackness again. Now, what was I thinking about....I drift off to sleep again as if I had not a care in the world.

Later I woke up - there were beeping noises all around me. I felt tubes in my nose, throat, arms, and other places I won't mention here. Wait - someone's here. It was Bob and Judy, my sister. What is she doing here - she's supposed to be cooking a turkey dinner for everyone. I didn't get the rolls. I tried to say I'm sorry but the tube in my throat prevented me from speaking. I tried to move to look around - I don't want to lay down anymore but they stopped me - told me to keep still because I had a splint on my leg that they used for the heart cath and it had to be straight for 12 hours. My arms were tied down - tried to get them free - they are too tight - how could they tie me to the bed - I am very angry now...I bang the other leg against the side rails in frustration....they told me again that I needed to be very still and rest. Bob said the kids want to see me and I nod the head. They came in, one or two at a time - Bob and his wife, Leanne, Cindy, Jay and his girlfriend, Colette, Trink, Mary. They were all crying. Hey you guys, why are you crying? I tried to sit up to show them that I'm okay but I couldn't move much - the tube in my throat hurt....tears ran down my cheeks and I tried to pull my arms free again. Bob told me to go back to sleep and something about seeing me later. Hey, you just got here and I have a million questions.....where is Nick? - Why isn't he here? - seems like everybody else was - did I miss seeing him.....oops, darkness yet again. (Found out later that they decided not to have Nick see me until I looked a lot better. I was a sorry sight with the tube stuck down my throat, my tongue sticking out of my mouth and tubes running all over the place. Being on a respirator was not a sight for a nine year old boy to see his mom.)

One day melted into the next - with no idea of what day or time it was or even really where I was. I vaguely remember lots of talk about "major heart attack" and "diabetes". I also remember thinking no more hot fudge sundaes or chocolate donuts or chocolate chip cookies....being a chocolaholic...it was almost more than I could stand to think about so I'd drift off to sleep again and again.

I remember other things - some of which I really don't want to remember, like suctioning and catheters. But most of the days I spent in ICU are just a blur or small pieces that don't fit together. I remember a Chaplain friend of mine who stopped in for a visit while I was still intubated and couldn't talk. When asked if she could so anything for me, I wrote a note to her. It simply said "chocolate malt". She later told me she knew I'd be okay then because I was still "me" and still had my own brand of a sense of humor. I remember complaining about how hot it was. They had to turn the heat way done and everyone else was cold ( the nurses all wore sweaters in my room). They eventually got a fan to blow on me and it was a little better but I needed a cold washcloth on my head most of the time to stay cool. Bob would have to tell me to breathe when the machine would go off because I'd forget to breathe occasionally. It amazed me that not breathing didn't hurt - when you first have trouble breathing it hurts but when I coded, I remember thinking that it didn't hurt anymore. I was on the respirator for four days before I was able to breathe on my own with the help of the oxygen mask only.

One day, a bunch of balloons arrived at the nurses desk, which I could see from my bed.....I wondered who they were for - they looked so cheery - the nurse brought them into my room - the card indicated that they were from co-workers from a previous job (Children's Hospital Lab"......How did they know?????? The balloons were attached to a pail that had a hospital survival kit in it. There was a noise maker to ward off doctors and nurses, a spider to scare them away and some other stuff in it that I don't remember but it was very cute.

My 46th birthday arrived and I was still in ICU - it's been a week since the "big one" and I was still here. When alone, my thoughts turn to why am I still alive? I now jokingly tell people that heaven wasn't ready for me yet because they are scared that I might try to "organize" it. The tubes were all out now and the nurses said I could sit and dangle my feet over the side of the bed. Such a little thing made me feel good. The young girl from physical therapy came in and told me that tomorrow "we" are going to go for a walk. My eyes widened - did I hear correctly - did she say WALK???????

The family came to visit and they brought me presents because it was my birthday but best of all, Nick came to visit me for the first time.....he looked older, more serious....feelings flood over me......I could hardly talk to thank them - my voice had not come back yet from having the tube in my throat for so many days, and emotions were running a little high. I thought that they understood even though I couldn't vocalize it well. After they all left, one of the nurses told me I might be moving to the regular part of the hospital soon. I dangled my legs over the sides several minutes and it made me very tired. This was the first day that I really remembers much of anything and was awake for several hours!!! Seemed to fit that this should happen on my birthday.

Later that night, I asked for water - I am so thirsty - they brought me six ice chips....they melted so fast in my parched mouth.....asked for more - they said, "No, you had enough for now". Enough!....you must be kidding!!!! After they settled me for the night and they were busy elsewhere, I got out of bed and maneuvered myself over to the sink. I calculated that the tubes and wires would stretch just enough to reach so I could get a real drink. No cup - I don't believe this - what kind of service are they giving me here? Aah, there's a small medicine cup on top of some papers in the wastebasket. Looks clean - turn on the water - rinse the cup "just to make sure", gobble one, two three, oh yes, this is soooooo good, four - oops! two nurses came running in yelling, "What ARE you doing?". I acted confused so they didn't scold me too much. Turns out, the wires did not reach but instead, pulled out of the monitor just enough to set the alarm off.

The next day, the physical therapy girl came to get me and "we" walked several feet out of my room and back to the bed again. I was exhausted, I hoarsely asked her if "we" were finished so I could take a nap! I couldn't believe how tired I was. The next time, "we" walked from my room to the nurses station and back - must have been at least 10 miles or so. The nurse told me I'm moving "tonight". They gathered my belongings and I moved to the "floor". That night, I was so excited about being out of ICU that I hardly slept a wink. It felt wonderful to have a telephone so I could talk to people again. I wanted to call everyone that I knew but of course, that was virtually impossible.

The two additional weeks I spent in the hospital were taken up in afternoon naps, walking in the halls to get my strength back (amazing how fast one get tired after a heart attack - all I do is rest and nap and I'm still very tired)., taking showers ( I absolutely hated those bed baths!!!!! ) , early evening naps before visitors, learning about diabetes and aftercare for heart attack patients (cardiac rehabilitation sessions), learning how to give myself shots and test my blood, late morning naps, and best of all having visitors and making phone calls to my friends.

The treadmill and I met with a bang - part of the discharge process was to have a stress test to determine the level of cardiac rehab I was to have. When the machine started, it was set too fast for starting off and I couldn't get my feet to move fast enough, so I fell. My heart was pounding and I was shaking all over. Dr. B. asked me if I thought I could continue. I was doubtful but knew that I had to have the test before I could go home so I rested for a few minutes more. When I finally regained my "usual composure", I passed the test with better results than the doctors had expected.

My voice still had not come back but everyone was getting used to me sounding like the "Godfather". I thought about the upcoming holidays. My visitors and I would talk a walk to the other side of the floor to look out of the windows - many of the houses nearby were all bright with holiday decorations. How will I get my shopping done? I wonder if we will have money to shop with....When I asked Bob, he told me not to worry about it....Is he crazy - now can I NOT worry? We?d walk down the other hall to the lake side of the hospital and look out those windows. I looked in the night sky and saw all the stars twinkling so brightly. Couldn't see the lake because of the darkness but I felt a sense of peace that everything would be okay and for a brief moment, my fears were quieted.

I finally got a roommate that was around my age. She was in for testing - stomach problems. We hit it off rather well. Turned out that she and her family were wrestling fans. We talked for hours about the professional wrestlers and how weird some of them were. We talked most of the day and half the night. She worked at Kohls and was a manager so we also talked about work and funny stories about the various employees at her place and mine.

The bright sun fell across my bed and kept me warm while I had one of my famous afternoon naps.....I dreamt about why I am still alive....am I not finished with my "job" yet? What do I have to do yet? Does it have to do with my family....my friends....my job? I contemplate what the doctor told me - that I was very lucky I made it to the hospital when I did and something about a low survival rate for that type of heart attack.

One of my friends, Darleen, came to see me and she brought me a present from the bitch club - it is a Chinese Red bathrobe. It is so pretty and cheerful, I can't wait to put it on. It's so good to see someone besides the family - I love them dearly but a change of face is so nice.

More days passed, I felt stronger, walked further, and stayed awake longer each day until I was told that I would be going home "tomottow". I became frightened. One of the nurses came in to talk to me and reviewed my new daily regimen and to say good-bye. I started to cry - I'm glad to be going home to my family again and I am so very scared - what if......., how will I remember all these pills and how will I manage to cook, clean, and go back to work.... She told me that it was normal to feel apprehension, that I'll be fine and to call if I needed anything. We hugged. Others came in to say goodbye. They told me to keep my "great sense of humor" and that they would miss all my wacky comments. Later, my roommate and I talked and talked until another patient came and knocked on our door and asked us to "be quiet and go to sleep - don't you know that it is midnight and you are keeping everyone here awake". We apologized and he left. We broke out into laughter and couldn't stop giggling like a bunch of little girls. We closed the door so none could hear us and then continued our celebration - after all, who could sleep THAT night??????

The big day arrived - I collected my belongings and Bob came to take me home. My heart was pounding so hard I thought it would crash through my chest wall. But I smiled and tried not to show how scared I was. A volunteer whelled me out to the car. The sun was shining on the snow and made me squint. It felt good to smell the cool fresh air. We arrived home. The kids were either at work or school. I was happy to see our dog, Daisy - she looked at me strangely and promptly sat on my feet - maybe that was so I wouldn't be able to leave again. Later in the day, Nick came home from school and the girls came home from work. All of this made me tired but I was afraid to go to bed alone. I waited for Bob to get home from his second shift job before I finally crawled into bed. The warmth of the waterbed felt wonderful and it was nice not to have side rails to maneuver around. My prayer was a simple, "Thank You, God."

After I went home, I had to go back to the hospital three times a week for cardiac rehab - walking on the treadmill (my most favorite thing to do!!) The nurse would first weigh me and then take my blood pressure and hook me up to the monitor. Then we'd do a series of warm-up exercises and then I'd walk on the treadmill. I hated that machine and never felt comfortable. I'd remember my fall and still had the scar on my left knee. I'd be very tense and would watch the clock to make sure I didn't stay on for more than one minute over time. We came up with a nickname for me - Wendy called me "Thunder Thighs" because of the size of them but also because I would get pain (thunder) in them from lack of exercise. There was a chalkboard in the office where everyone in rehab was listed along with their current exercise status and she put my new nickname up on the board. Everyone wanted to know who was thunder thighs and why did I have that name. The six weeks that I was supposed have stretched into about 8 or 9 - had to cancel some sessions because of illness or snow or whatever other excuse I could come up with. Bob made sure I went as much as ne could but some days I just couldn't do it. Once, I woke up with pain in my left arm. I was so scared that I was having another heart attack but was more scared to tell Bob so we went to the hospital for the rehab session anyways. When I got there, Wendy said "Hi, how are you today?" That was all I needed so I promptly started to sob. It took quite a while for me to calm down enough so that I could talk and tell her about the pain in my arm and how it felt like it did the day I had my heart attack. She took my vital signs(which were okay) and then hooked me up to the monitor which showed everything to be okay. We managed to do a short session that day and I felt better that I was able to do a least part of a session. I finally graduated and received a mended heart t-shirt and a pin to wear on it along with a certificate.

For the most part, I have changed - not only diet wise but also personally. Oh, I still wish I'd win the lottery and still want "things" others have, but I seem to be more content with what I have than before.....my friends also say that I am different but they can't pinpoint how. All I know is that sunrises and sunsets are more beautiful, the clear blue sky looks more intensely blue, clouds have faces on them, the air smells fresher than ever after a rain shower, the lilacs in spring are much more fragrant, the doggie kisses are more welcome. And the hugs are more frequent, the caring is deeper and the love is flowing more freely. I feel loved.

My voice finally returned after the holidays were over. I returned to full time employment after a five months leave of absence. In the following years, there were several other incidents of hospitalization, countless trips to doctors offices, and a bazillion anxiety attacks but those memories are for another time.....


some heads are gonna roll

"If the man with the power
Cant keep it under control
Some heads are gonna roll
Some heads are gonna roll"

funny how a simple song can just inspire me to write. i dont know what was so inspiring about "some heads are gonna roll" by judas priest but eh whatever works i suppose.

judas priest has been a favorite band of mine for many years. lets say since i was oh god 11? so thats about 19 years. i havent known many people who like them either. people like random songs but thats about it. i really got into them back in the day thanks to an old bf of marys. his name was dave. i hung around him alot. he introduced me to alot of different bands. i never knew that rob halford was gay either. i mean come on am i that oblivious at times? i didnt find out until the late 90s that he was gay and i'm like oh yeah things make alot of sense now. then i went on to say oh big deal, so he is gay...he still is an amazing singer and judas priest kicks ass. i dont get why some people wont listen to certain music cause someone in the band is gay or whatever. who the hell really cares? who actually cares if a person is gay or not? its their preference.

and yes another blog named after a song. its a trend that i cant break. sorry! doesnt mean im any less creative!

labor day weekend. ah what fun. actually its just another holiday to me. i dunno im not really all too big on holidays. halloween is still my favorite though. oh one year i would love to go into an old cemetary on halloween and spend the entire night in there. that would be totally awesome. or maybe even get involved in a ghost hunt in a really haunted place or something. i dunno. those options sound good though. as far as other holidays...eh. christmas though has promise.

i know i keep mentioning in random notes/surveys about december time and im sure everyone is dying to know what is so special about this upcoming december. sorry...i cant tell you all. =P i know how mean of me. get everyones hopes up and then crush them. ha! well see its more like i have a tendancy to jinx myself and i be damned if im jinxing myself again.

im doing ok though. slowly looking into getting a job. however i have health problems and im kinda wondering if i should try to take care of that first then focus on a job or try to do both at the same time. i really hate to get a job and then i dunno have to take time off right away due to some random bullshit. though i think i am finally going to at least go to a free clinic this upcoming week so i can just get some stuff checked out. i really do need to get stuff checked out. i also really need a job. one thing ive learned is i just need to be patience. things will work out in the end.

so random weird dreams. yep i dont think they will ever stop for me. but hey on the plus side it gives me some interesting stuff to think bout during the day after i have them. of course im kinda having a hard time remembering some of my more recent ones. the one last night kinda stands out. lol.

my old best friend brent was in the dream. he was apparently locked up in a mental hospital and they were doing all kinds of crazy shit to him i guess. so in comes super hero nick to save the day. well apparently in one of the rooms there was a major water leak and they needed a plumber. i figure if i distract his main doctor by posing as a plumber to fix this room and the pipes i could then find a way to sneak him out of the hospital. i remember in the dream fucking up the pipes in the room so water leaked everywhere. then i remember having to get naked to change clothes and all my damn clothes were wet. i dont know. very odd. the doctor gave me a 10 minute time frame to fix the pipes. so in 10 mins i had to screw around with that, change clothes and rush to get him out of the hospital. so after a bit i put on clothes. snuck out of the room which was severely flooded. i found brent and dragged his ass out of the hospital. he was injured so he was walking slowly so i practically dragged him to a truck where we took off. i dont know...very very weird. i should try to look up meanings for the dream.

anyways i felt like writing so there we go. the title has nothing to do with the blog but thats ok!


running to the edge of the world

"We're running to the
Edge of the world
Running, running away
We're running to the edge of the world
I don't know if the world will end today"

quoting a song to start off a blog. something i always use to do. well another thing i do, if people have not noticed by now, is normally my blog titles are titles of songs...or lyrics from songs. i wonder how many people actually noticed that? ok i wonder how many people even read what i say? lol. see though writing is not about the audience, writing is just what it is...writing what you say or feel regardless of if people read it, comment on it, or whatnot. i know i tell people leave me comments and this and that but eh i dont expect it. im doing what i love and i dont need people commenting on every word i say. kinda defeats the purpose of writing.

anyways...writing again so soon. geez people might actually begin to believe i actually do like to write after all. always alot on my mind though sometimes i cant always put it down into writing and if i did id probably end up pissing off the vast majority of people that know me. ok maybe not true. my thoughts are all jumbled so this blog is turning out to be jumbled.

i chose the lyrics to begin my journal cause its a song by marilyn manson i like. "running to the edge of the world". nice slower manson song. not taking into account the lyrics from the song itself or the meaning of the song but dont u just wish u could run away to a far away place? away from all the pains and sorrows of everyday life? away from people you dislike? people you hate? a place maybe like a high cliff overlooking the ocean or mountains or whatever. maybe be by yourself or with someone whom you love or someone you are really close to. someone you cherish or someone you really relate to. i think you all get where im going with this. it would be nice to stand on the edge of this cliff and smile and just forget all the bullshit in life. take it the beauty surrounding you. take in life. i think this is what we are meant to do. not so much forget all of the troubles we have. not forget the pain and the suffering. not forget about your life in general but to embrace everything we have gone through and to say you know its ok i can still find that cliff throughout everything and enjoy life the way we are meant to. i know everything i say is easier said then done but think about it. is life ever really impossible to deal with that we can not go to this cliff and take it all in and just enjoy the simple fact that we are alive.

i cant say my life is perfect. i cant say i do what i should be doing. i still suck at taking care of myself and doing what i need to. im lucky though. i have good people in my life. i have people that care about and love me. that is sometimes just enough to make me want to get through the day. even if i fall i know i can get up again. if i go off course at times that is ok. who doesnt go off course from time to time? i'm thankful to be alive...and that to me is more important then anything else.

slowly beginning job hunting again. christ i havent worked in nearly 4 years. that is a long time. but damn do i want to get out there again. get some money. have a life again. oh my god a life? nick with a life? is that even possible? with a job i can get health insurance and i can get myself fixed a bit. yay. that way i can truly reach my goal of living to 150. why would i want to live to 150? i dunno. just sounded like a good number. anyways wish me luck with the job thing.

so this past weekend we had a family get together and i actually cooked dinner for everyone. this is something i had never done previously. stuffed shells though are easy. i spent 3 hours stuffing shells. i did regular cheese filled, meat filled, chicken filled, and then i tried ham ones. let me say the shells were a success. everyone loved them quite a bit. people took some home for leftovers. i was happy. the get together was alot of fun too. my nephews are really into star wars. they have so many of those toy lightsabers. kendzierski family light saber fights ftw. highlight though was me lightsaber fighting with my nephew johnny. he is almost 4. he gets all mad like at me and says "im gonnna get you poopdick". i spent the next minute or so dying laughing. good times though...good times.

back in the day before i discovered MMOs and when i wasnt busy from working and whatnot this is exactly what i did. id kick back, talk to some people online, listen to music and write. writing bout random stuff or writing important stuff, it didnt matter. all that mattered was that i was writing. jumbled pieces of crap or meaningful pieces of crap i was writing. for someone such as me that is important and maybe now im finally getting back to what is important. thank god. well until the next MMO sucks me in at least. =P


all nightmare long

dreams. what exactly are dreams anyways? i mean are they just some series of random events or do they have deeper meaning then what is presented. i have pondered this question time and time again. though they seem pretty random and pretty crazy at times there may be signs or things within the dream that have a deeper meaning.

years back i would have the same reoccuring tornado dream. pretty much almost the same thing would happen everytime. storm would come into town. sky gets dark. massive tornado bout to hit us. it hits and instantly its over. i was having this i believe upwards of 4 nights a week. sometimes it felt so real id wake up immediately after and have to reassure myself that it was just a dream. i pondered and questioned if there was any significant meaning to this reoccuring dream.

though i dont trust everything that is said to me nor do i trust everyone i come in contact with online, u just cant. many dishonest people out there. i did come across one guy on aol who i was talking with about ghost hunting stuff. he seemed really interested in it. he also said he was a psychic. which at first had me saying yeah ok bullshit. but then this guy who mind u i never talked to before this night and who didnt know anything bout me starts talking to me about my tornado dreams. i dont really think i talked in depth about it on my old livejournal, maybe i did i dont remember. well he pretty much described my tornado dream perfectly. i was kinda like in shock. he said you are wondering what the meaning behind the dream is and im like yeah. he said you are overlooking something when you think about the dream. he said the dream is not so much about the tornado its about other things in the dream. think about the other parts of the dream and you will come up with a meaning. im like ok. so i took some time to think about the tornado dream i been having. tornado comes through town destroys a bunch of stuff but what am i overlooking. it occured to me that in every tornado dream i had that despite the destruction everyone was safe and sound. i thought to myself what if this is like sort of a metaphor for my life. regardless of how much my life may spin out of control and go off course i am still here...alive and well. after i came to that conclusion the reoccuring tornado dream stopped.

another reoccuring dream i have is about school. its always me being back in 7th or 8th grade usually. its usually a different theme everynight though. one thing though that is a constant is a dream about me going to my locker and thinking to myself gee its been a long time i have no idea what my locker combination is. kinda funny though cause i put in some random numbers and i seem to get the locker open. i believe the combination is 24-16-6. i do go to dream websites alot and read about certain things within these dreams and alot of things make sense but i dream about this period of time like almost everynight. alot of times though im not even the correct age in the dream, im like an adult.

elaborating on the dreams have deeper meanings then we may think im going to mention a few examples. years back, like 03 to be exact, my ex wife was having a reoccuring dream about her friend stacey being dead. the dreams were so vivid it would freak her out. well after a bit of time her friendship with stacey ended really badly. what did it have to do with the dream though? it was a warning that in a sense stacey and jennifers friendship was coming to an end. the friendship wad "dead". i believe i had a similar dream about jennifer before we did get a divorce. kinda foretelling something was about to happen. ive had a few dreams i could use as an example but then this blog would be like a novel. few months back while i was in wisconsin dells i had dreams about vampires. what do vampires represent? sickness and death. after that dream i was pretty sick for quite awhile. then a bit later my grandma died and my sister committed suicide. dreams having little to no meaning at all is open to debate however.

nightmares. who doesnt have a nightmare every now and then or a reoccuring dream that you just do not like? im a victim of this myself. sometimes they just seem so damn real that you wake up in the middle of the night gasping for air or so freaked out you have to search for a light or something to comfort you. it takes you a bit to realize ok wait its not real. what causes nightmares though? death of a loved one? tramatic experiences in life? watching scary movies? or is it just totally random?

as a kid one reoccuring nightmare i had was about freddy krueger. i know...one of the more awesome killers presented in movies and he bothers the shit out of me. its said cause i like the nightmare on elm street movies but i just can not really bring myself to watch them. maybe its cause i have some an open imagination and things play with my mind from time to time so its hard for me to watch it cause i tend to freak myself out. either way i was tramatized as a kid thanks to my brother jay. he use to be like obsessed with freddy. even made a homemade freddy glove. yep he still has it. anyways i remember sleeping on the couch one night cause for some reason im a couch sleeper and i woke up in the middle of the night to find my brother and friends watching nightmare on elm street. it was the alley scene in which his arms are stretched out wide so he can stratch on both sides of the alley. anyways hours later i woke up screaming cause i was having nightmares with freddy in it. it got progressively worse over time with freddy appearing in alot of different dreams no matter what. over the years they got better. in fact in some dreams freddy would have me kill people for him. a recent one was of freddy telling me he would kill me if i didnt have sex with a certain female. he didnt really have to ask me twice. kinda disturbing though. freddy watching me get it on.

ive had alot of different reoccuring nightmares. falling off cliffs, drowning (its no wonder why im afraid of water), ghosts, demons (i wrote about a demon one i had awhile back, maybe ill have to find it and put it in this blog), being shot at, murder, etc. some of my most disturbing ones have been about family.

one was about my mother. this was reoccuring but it mainly was after her death. she would appear in my dreams like normal. nothing seemed out of place. then things changed and she would be standing there and all of a sudden she turned evil and was about to attack me or so it seemed. those dreams didnt last for all too long though. i do dream about her quite a bit and in the dreams its like we know she is dead but she is there and alive and healthy and i think to myself um like arent u supposed to be dead. thats how real they do feel from time to time. on a side note i do miss my mom and i wonder often how things would be if she was alive.

the other is about my sister mary. its not surprising though seeing as how my relationship with her over the past few years was strained. i wont realy get into detail about some aspects of the dream. its of stuff i rather not mention. hateful things...sorta similar to what went on when she was alive. some of the dreams seem so real though and like with my mom i find myself wondering hey wait arent u dead while in the dream. part of the reason for this blog was cause of a dream i had the other night about mary. it disturbed me quite a bit. she was alive though even in the dream i thought to myself hmm isnt she dead. well it was snowing out and my brother was over and they were outside helping my father with the snow. mary was all bent out of shape about stuff. so i decided to sit downstairs and eat food and read the paper. i knew me being there would annoy her. it did. she kept talking under her breath. what i remember though is her about to walk out the door and she said something bout how she was going to kill me, my father, and my sister kathy soon. it freaked me out. freaked me out so much i woke up and said to myself wtf. i know it is just a dream but that doesnt make it any easier.

so dreams. regardless if they are reoccuring or if they are nightmares or just random stupid funny crap can they really tell us things about ourselves? can they tell the future? can they point out things in our life that we fail to notice? the answers to these questions are going to remain open for discussion and personal perception.