who are you?

it occured to me that since im probably opening myself up to a wider audience of people, people who dont necessarily know me maybe i should take it upon myself to give a brief insight to who i am. few people have followed my writings from the livejournal days and my myspace days so they have a good idea of me...alot of people are new to reading my blogs. so now i thought would be a good time to introduce myself.

my name is nick. short for nicholas. everyone just calls me nick. its shorter and easier to say and hey rhymes with alot of words. sick, tick, click...dick. i am 30 years old. sometimes i act like i have the mental capacity of a 5 year old. or i act like a teenager due to all my perverted jokes. but hey nothing wrong with being a pervert.

i live in milwaukee, wisconsin. lived here the majority of my life with the exception of a few years in which i lived in asheville, nc, fort lauderdale and west palm beach, fl. milwaukee isnt too bad i suppose. i just really dont have much friends here anymore.

lets see im jobless, im a high school dropout, i dont have a license, and i live at home. gee what a loser i am. everyone makes stupid or questionable choices in life, im not exception. i have tended to take the hard road through most things. i struggle with it but like people have told me before things like that dont always make someone any less of a person then who they are.

writing is my main hobby. ive been told im very good at it. also been told i need to get off my ass and write award winning books. do i think i could write something that good? definetly. is that why i want to write? not really. i love writing and thats the only reason why i want to write.

i also really love music. i play guitar occasionally. i should say i suck at guitar occasionally but eh. i like a variety of music. my main bands however are metallica, black sabbath, marilyn manson, korn, and evanescence. i like tons of other bands and styles of music. hell britney spears pops on my playlists from time to time. i get shit for it but whatever.

im also realy interested in dreams and hidden meanings behind things that we see within the dreams. i try to analyze dreams i have. alot of it does tend to make sense. its really kinda fasincating to me.

the paranormal interests me alot too. ghost hunting and stuff like that. ive been out ghost hunting before. taken pictures. seen things and heard things that i could not explain. it is alot of fun in my opinion.

other then that i also enjoy watching movies, watching tv, surfing the net, facebook...lol, traveling, nature...just to name a few things.

im the youngest of 6 kids. the oldest being my brother bobby who is about to turn 47. for the most part my family isnt too bad, i guess. lol. im the quiet one. tend to keep to myself alot. ill laugh at jokes. respond when im talked to but otherwise im kinda in my own little world.

elaborating a bit more on the quiet thing. yeah i am pretty shy and i am pretty quiet. as a person gets to know me though i open up quite a bit and i act like myself. how do i act? im a dork. im proud to admit it. i am a huge dork. i like to make people laugh. once i break through the quietness and shyness i think im totally awesome. no ego at all, just being honest.

like everybody else i have my own personal demons. i have a bit of bipolar tendancy. im not diagosed but reading alot of things over the years i fit alot of the categories and symptoms. eh whatever though if im bipolar or if im not what does it matter if i think i have a grip on it. i use to have schizophrenia episodes too. i guess i still kinda do in a few ways. i wont get into details. the majority of it was when i was younger. i also suffer from alot of anxiety problems. it can be pretty bad at times. makes me feel like i cant even do normal daily tasks. alot of my inner turmoil is due to things happening in my life. my mom was sick the majority of my childhood and died in 98, i went through a divorce back at the end of 04 into 05. took me quite awhile to get over. more recently my sister committed suicide. so life isnt always fun and games but ive hung in there.

love life. hmm well been through a divorce before. was with her for 8 years. since then there have been interests here and there. none of them panned out to be much of anything...and some were hopeless from the start lol. however...there is hope in this category. id rather not say more then that cause i have a tendancy to jinx myself but maybe down the road ill have something to blog about.

gee what else could i possibly cover. well here it is though. if people were somewhat curious about me without knowing much about me here is a good blog about who i am...the awesomeness known as "the nick".


brain dead and useless

i need to write more. i must bless the world with my ability to write random pieces of crap but make it entirely useless random pieces of crap that people seem to enjoy. though like ive said before i can never tell who reads this anyways because no one leaves me comments! wth people. comment! i want to know who my loyal readers are. i know i have some. darn it.

so whats new with me? hmm. well. i went to the oral surgeon. that was pretty much a waste of time. i had such anxiety and shit from waiting to go that when i got there and he checked me out to let me know what i all needed to get done that he said he couldnt do anything for me until i went to a regular doctor and work on my blood pressure. which was sky high due to anxiety. gah. i dont have a doctor. i havent had a doctor in ages. so yeah kinda stuck now. need to go to a doctor. need to work on my blood pressure. i know the majority of it though is anxiety...so unless i can control my anxiety ill put it in terms to easily understand...IM FUCKED! its fine. ill get set up with a doctor some how. get things checked out...etc.

im cooking dinner for the family next weekend. scary thought! nah not really. im looking forward to it. im making stuffed shells. i havent made them in ages. when i make them i usually do 3 kinds...chicken, cheese, and meat. no one has ever said to me that they didnt rock. lol. i dont think ive cooked for the family before so this is something new. im sure it will be fine and it will be nice to have everyone over...in this house for a change.

been thinking bout some other stuff lately. i want to write books. ive always loved writing, hence my blogs and my old livejournal. i thought bout it, how can i benefit from it though? how can i get more people to read what i write? more importantly, can i actually hold an audience that would want me to write more and alot? ive been kinda thinking of possibly putting myself out there and see if maybe i can make money off writing blogs. i kinda am clueless how i could really go about it and im sure its not the best career option but hell if i can get people to listen to and want to read about what i have to say then im sure it would be cool. i kinda came up with an idea of having my own personal blog bout life and then maybe having a seperate one. what would be in the other blog? well, i have a few options. i dont know though. its something im still thinking bout and considering.

i did get my own domain. i thought it was more "professional" and "cooler" to have my own personal address. i also adjusted the look a bit to this blog if people hadnt noticed.

im looking forward to quite a few things and i have alot to be happy and excited bout but im sorry all those things shall remain hidden...for now. until the time is right. im sure a few people know what im talking about.

anyways, this was a random and pointless blog but i felt like writing and this was the result.


one step closer

my mind takes me to dark disturbing places. rather scary at times. so dark. so cold. no love. no sense of happiness. a light appears. i walk towards it. it seems so far away. i must get there. through the struggle, the pain, and the agony i must reach it. in the light the darkness will fade. maybe its just not time for me to get out of the darkness. maybe im more creative in the darkness? maybe i have some mission to accomplish before i can be in the light? the answer is unclear but the gap is closing. the goal is clear...make it to the light and dont let the darkness consume me permanently.

hmm hell of a way to start a blog huh? no idea if that made any sense whatsoever lol. to me i suppose it did. maybe you have to be me to understand. =P i felt like writing so i felt like writing something random and if it only made sense to me thats totally fine.

how is nick? nick is doing ok. wait...did i just say i was ok without really bitching bout anything? maybe. the blog is far from over with. i still have plenty of time to bitch. things are never of course perfect but ive learned alot in the past few months so you kinda have to learn to take the good with the bad. being wrapped up in negativty just does no good.

my broken tooth has gotten worse. well no shit. i only broke it like 6 months ago lol. well...i cant really afford to get it taken out. id rather not stick my father with paying for it. but it has gotten worse and is effecting my health in other places so i finally am going next week tuesday to talk to the oral surgerion. so looking forward to that but hey ill feel better afterwards and its something i need to get done.

baby step changes. this is something different and new to me. i always say im going to do this, im going to do that, or ill get on it eventually. im the type of person who cant do too many things at once. i get overwhelmed. i get stressed out. so i decided to take a few baby steps to change a few things in my life.

first off is im exercising more. this is something i never really stuck to before in my life. im kinda proud of myself atm. im lazy and i dont do shit. im the first to admit it. well after my sister's death i was having alot of random stuff going on. chest pains, random aches and pains, and just other stuff. it scared me enough to think you know maybe its time to start worrying a bit more about my health. i just never really gave a shit ever bout it. id just eat and eat and then wouldnt exercise. so i decided to start at least by riding the exercise bike 15 minutes a day. in the past month ive only gone one day without going on the bike. thats pretty impressive to me considering how i am. i recently added in a bit of light dumbell lifting too. nothing too impressive but i figure every other day or 3 times a week i can add a bit of weight exercising to what im already doing. one of the biggest things though is my eatting habits. no im not perfect with it but i do eat the typical 3 meals a day now. something ive never done ever. usually cereal in the morning, sandwich or something for lunch, and then a normal size supper. snackwise ive been eatting stuff like yogurt or fruit. yes...major change for me. i even went to fat free orange sherbet instead of ice cream. i usually stick to just drinking water now too. i also after about 8pm everynight usually will not eat anything else until breakfast the next morning. yet another change and adjustment for me. despite any pains or whatnot im liking this new routine for me.

attitude. id like to think my attitude has gotten a bit better as of late. people i do talk to alot say they have noticed a change. for someone to make changes in their life alot of it has to do with their attitude and wanting to change. i got to a point where i felt like ok this isnt working out the way i want it or how i intended it so lets adjust it. slow process but anything that is different from my normal routine is positive in my opinion. i still am quite quiet around my family. i think thats how im always going to be though. im, though some people who really do know me may find this odd, the quiet one of the family. im ok with that. it doesnt mean i dont like being around family. in fact i think im quite the opposite. i like family gatherings. i like being around family. i guess im just content to be around them and not feel like i need to be saying a whole lot.

job hunting. oh yay fun stuff! before i could really do anything i needed to get my state id. i dont know if people know how i was screwed around last time i tried to get it but i finally did get my state id. the economy sucks right now and finding a job is going to be a pain in the ass but yes im going to start browsing around for one. i mean with my experience there is no reason why i shouldnt get into a grocery store at least. but yeah i think after i feel a bit better after this whole tooth bullshit is over im going to be looking alot more. i need something. maybe then i can live a little bit. maybe even have a life...omg what a concept. but yeah that is something that has been somewhat of a monkey on my back and i need to take care of it. though being a writer seems to be a good career choice for me. people keep telling me that anyways...but is it really something where i can make a descent living. if i could put my ideas on paper possibly. until then i need something that will let me have a descent living/life.

with everything going on in my head and wanting to make changes or trying new things i have given thought to trying to get my license again. im sure my family if they read that are going ah shit but its something i should of done a long time ago. i think that would be a major accomplishment for me. its really something im thinking about. i really dont want to be carted around the rest of my life or have to depend on buses or whatever. im pretty sure i can do it.

anxiety. i guess i have never told people how bad my anxiety is. it is pretty horrible and hinders me on a daily basis. ive had a few mild anxiety attacks as of late. its a bit scary but i am ok at calming myself down. its something i need to get checked and i will at some point. pretty much though lets say im having chest pains or heartburn or something automatically i start thinking i having like a heart attack. i panic and then everything just starts to get worse. i seriously cant tell what pain is real and what pain is just from my anxiety. lol. it really sucks.

i gave up WoW. ok MMOs took up way too much of my time. i lost friends cause of it. granted it may of been online friends but still i do try to take my time to get to know people and yeah still i lost friends cause of it. wow got really ridiculous with leading a guild and having people depend on me. it wasnt worth it in the end. so i finally gave up on wow. so instead if im online, which i still am alot, im usually talking to friends on msn or im on facebook. yeah im hooked on facebook. gah. lol. well ive found a bunch of people who i use to talk to and lost contact with which was cool. i have family on there. people i use to go to school with. plus they have all kinds of neat little games. those games are much better then some MMO. am i done with MMOs? well i dont know. the new star wars one coming out looks interesting and so does the dc universe one so i dunno. i cant say for sure. some other things are more important then MMOs.

my rooms upstairs. talk about natural disaster areas. i pretty much was lazy and just did absolutely nothing to them. following my sisters death and seeing all that she left behind for us to clean up i decided to do some cleaning and rearranging myself. i got rid of alot of stuff that i will never use or ive been hanging onto for years. felt good to finally get rid of and go through some shit. i havent finished the other room yet but thats ok ive made alot more progress this summer then i have in years lol.

i've said quite a bit so far. i like to think of it as being a bit more positive then i have been though...which is good. there is more i do have to say but thats for another time. seriously though i shouldnt have problems writing books or short stories. all my blogs are like mini novels the way it is. lol. anyways im out. comments are always apprecihated. its nice to know i do have some people who read this.