11/24/2009

don't stop believin'

"i may cry a bit. i may be depressed a bit. i may hate my life a bit. i will most likely bend a bit but i'm not going to completely break cause that person is someone i do not like."

ah the holidays are upon us. fun time of the year. also the time of the year where i break down. i really hate it. its like i get to this time of year and im still haunted and psyched out by what has transpired in the past. so i go through depression and anxiety. i think this year its alot more anxiety then anything. i dont really know why. all i know is i havent been able to sleep well lately. well last night was an exception, i slept about 8 hours if not more. i told myself...repeatly of course that my focus should be taking everything that has went on and just casting it aside and leaving it in the past. that is always a much easier thing to say then to actuall do.

yesterday was just a very rough day. i really just did not feel like myself. maybe a lack of sleep had something to do with it. i was having an emotional day though. i went out for a walk, which i think the walk saved me yesterday. i was walking and i started to tear up and get all upset. i said to myself this is not how you want to be nick. you are a much stronger person then this. you do have alot to look forward to and in some aspects you have done really well and are getting better. i told myself it was ok to bend a little bit as long as i dont allow myself to completely break. after that i felt ok. i really dont want to be that nick. that nick is not very fun and i really really dislike him. so i vow to myself to keep fighting.

my dreams have been messed up. having dreams about mary frequently. in the past few days that havent been too pleasant. she is very much alive in my dreams and being totally horrible to everyone in this house. bitching and complaining about things. getting overly emotional cause im eatting the ham lunch meat in the house and im retarded cause i dont know how to close packages. last night's dream i really felt in the dream that she was going to attack me or something. then sunday night while i was having these dreams about my sister my dream turned really weird. me and my father were in the living room. due to rain or something there was massive flooding going on. the water was as high as the window and getting higher. i was on the couch when i felt that it was getting wet. so i then notice that the pressure of the water was causing the window to buckle. then the lights in the house did this crazy flicker thing. it was enough to wake me out of my sleep and then naturally i couldnt get back to sleep.

not much else is really going on. thanksgiving is in 2 days. should be good to see family and of course all the good food. woot. the packers play on thanksgiving also. somehow in there im going to have to fit in going out for my usual walk.

thanksgiving to me always meant being thankful for what you have in life. i think people underestimate what they really do have. granted some people really do have it very rough and that is sad. i am thankful that i have good friends, i have a descent family, i have talents (even if i dont use them to their full potential...someday maybe!), im almost thankful that despite everything that has gone on and whatnot that i still generally am happy and i have a chance to put things right, im thankful to be alive. happy thanksgiving everyone.

11/21/2009

the aliens must die

one of the craziest dreams i ever had was back in my teenage years. you know how you wake up after dreaming and you are like omg what the hell was that? well this one was definetly one of those dreams for me. its been a very long time since this dream occured but i am pretty sure i remember most of it. enjoy.

the world has been deviasted by alien invasion. most of mankind has been killed off. there are small resistance groups spread out throughout the world. i am leader of a small but descent resistance group. of course the group is unusual. pretty much all we do all day is sit around in this like underground bunker type place and have orgies and watch porn all day. i dont partake in the orgies of course but i have a very beautiful woman by my side. was my crush for quite a few years.

anyways we are all hanging out in our bunker. people are sitting around watching porn when one of the guys reports that alien creatures are nearby. i decide we should make a move and take them out. any time we fight against the aliens there is a risk of death. so i gather up a small strike force and we head up to try to take out some aliens.

they are patrolling the street up above the ground. so we hide in between this building. (im unsure if this is what actually was the setting but its pretty damn close) one of our guys goes a little bit too far and he makes a noise. he gets spotted and is killed on the spot. i give the signal to take them out. so we start firing back. a few of us drop in the battle but we manage to take out the group.

little did we know that this was a trap. while we fighting off these aliens some other aliens learned of our bunker and went in there. of course they didnt do harm to anyone but their mission was simple. they kidnapped my girlfriend and took her back to the mother ship. were we that much of a threat to the aliens? so we decide we should do a search and rescue mission to get her back.

this of course was a trap. the head alien knew of me and apparently i was pretty powerful and the trap was set so i would go aboard the mother ship and they would process me into this super alien being. me and a group of people make it aboard the mothership. its unclear how we managed that. everyone else who didnt come with were back in the bunker watching porn. the head alien knew we were. they did some kind of mind control thing to us. its like we totally went stupid and we would periodically say the words captain crunch. a few of the guys while under this weird mind control ended up falling down an elevator shaft to their death. somehow i managed to pinpoint what was mind controlling us, it was some alien or something and i killed it. i then make it to the main alien room and the head alien is there with my girlfriend. i tell it to release her and it refuses. instead it does some mind control thing to me and while im under the influence the alien then kills her. her body falls to the floor. the mind control breaks and i scream. i go to her corpse and hold her in my arms but she is dead. nothing i can do. the alien then says to me ill let you live if you let us turn you into an alien. reluctantly since i am really upset i agree. it tries some mind control thing on me again. i manage to block it somehow but i go along with it making it think it has control over me. by doing that it makes the alien vulnerable. then out of nowhere i manage to grab something and i chop its head off. (yeah well i did say this was a dream so its not clear how i just magically got something to kill it) with the head alien now dead all the other aliens will leave the planet.

afterwards im looked upon as a hero who saved the human race. we now focus on trying to rebuild and well repopulate which of course means...lots of sex. the dream ends with us celebrating in the bunker...watching porn of course. i of course i have another girlfriend now. chicks like the popular guys! though now instead of 1 girlfriend i have 3. everyone is happy cause the aliens are gone.

mmmk...lol. yeah while writing that whole thing i was laughing. the whole captain crunch thing made me crack up. seriously though this is an actual dream that i had one night. i dont remember all the details but i think i got the jist of it. anyways i hope people found this as funny as i did...and i still find it funny years later after i had it

11/20/2009

Half the man I use to be

(I wrote this blog back in July of 08. It is posted on my myspace blog but yet I felt that this is probably the best one I've ever written. Very personal but very good and I wanted to put it into my now new blog)

what im about to write about is probably the most difficult thing im going to come out with and talk about. not many people do know this about me and the people who do know this understand what this has done to me and why i have a hard time trusting people. sure i can list a number of reasons why i have trust issues but this blog/situation in general further explains a few things. what im about to write is rather personal, rather embarrassing but also at the same time it gives me a sense of relief that i can finally sit here and decide to tell people more about me. who the real nick is. in turn hopefully this will give me a bit of closure on one of the worst situations ive encountered in my life. the title of the blog is "half the man i used to be" well for an obvious reason which as you read you will figure out why. i would think that people would be mature enough to respect my wishes of not going around spreading all kinds of crap about me. i also don't want pity from anyone. people can comment and say wow nick im so sorry but yeah i think you all know what im getting at. no need to really explain further. so here we go.

lets take a trip back to 1992. january of that year. i was 12 years old at the time and in 7th grade. i wasnt really a popular kid in school but i had my group of friends so i was pretty content with that. i used to wear those big coke bottle glasses. god those things are just hidious and annoying as hell. anyways my brother bobby and his wife leanne just had their 1st kid, my niece ashley. on the 25th of january we went to visit them at their house. got to see my niece for the 1st time. that afternoon i noticed something was not right with me at all. i was feeling sick to my stomach and having weird stomach pains. i never did actually get sick though. that night everyone wanted to go out to eat. our normal place called westy's. it was an all you can eat pizza place that also had chicken, fish, shrimp, etc. i miss that place. anyways i couldn't really eat much due to me feeling sick but this is when i noticed a change. my stomach pain had subsided but now i was having a weird uncomfortable pain in my groan. more specifically the area around my right testicle. can't really describe it, its just kinda a discomfort.

the following day the pain was still there and as the day progressed it got more and more uncomfortable. i didnt really notice any swelling or anything but it eventually got so bad i was having trouble walking around the house and up and down stairs. that monday, ok so people dont get confused by my timeline of events the 25th was on a saturday, i decided there was no way i could go to school. the pain didnt really get worse. it stayed about the same. i was having a difficult time walking still. i was hoping that whatever this was would just pass on by without any incident. little did i know what would await me.

i went to school on that tuesday, which would be the last time i went to school for a couple of weeks by the way, and i regretted that decision totally. i could barely walk up and down stairs. it was also very uncomfortable to sit down. this is when i started to realize that something was just not right with this whole situation. of course i was still clueless but my original thought was maybe i had some kind of hernia or something. either way i spent the school day in alot of pain. i didnt say much to what friends i had. at the end of the day i went and said to my teacher it is possible i may not be back for a bit. i said to her i think i have a hernia or something. something is just not right at all. when i got home that day things went from bad to worse. i may get pretty descriptive in what im saying about all of this, i figure i warn you all now before i continue any further. anyways i decided to go into the bathroom and see if i can possibly get a closer look at my area down there. what i saw next though would leave me shocked and left me very scared. pretty much my entire scrotum was swollen red. i wouldnt say it was bumpy but it was severely swollen. swollen so badly that it was pretty much covering up all of my penis. i freaked out and got very upset and i told my mom that i needed to go in to see a doctor now.

2 days pass and i finally get to go see my doctor. the swelling was not as bad as it was but it was still painful to walk or do anything for that matter. of course going to see a doctor and with it having to deal with that general area and im 12 years old it was a bit embarrassing for me. im sure people can probably relate to why this was embarrassing. anyways, he examined me. he just asked what my symptoms were and i pretty much told him its hard to walk, the other day it was severely swollen and that this whole thing started off with me feeling like i was sick. so he sat me down and said he was going to give me some cream to use and that i should soak in hot baths a few times a day. he said to come back on the following tuesday to see where things stand. early indictations said it could be some sort of an infection, it could be a strangulated testicle, it could also be cancer. cancer? cancer at the age of 12. oh no please god dont do this to me at such a young age.

the next few days i did what he suggested. soak myself in a hot bath and use the creme he had given me. i noticed by the following monday which would be the 3rd of february that my swelling was not bad at all and i felt as if i could walk easier. i begin to get a bit hopeful that maybe this situation was coming to an end. something still was not right though. my right testicle felt like it was hard as a rock. when i would self examine myself i noticed that it was very like hard and not how it normally should be. regardless i tried to pass it off and think i was ok. i went to the doctor on that tuesday and told him i feel fine. i havent noticed the swelling. i can walk again. however my right testicle is unusually hard. he told me that concerned him a bit so he was going to send me to a specialist for this stuff. a urinologist. im thinking to myself great...more people to look at my stuff.

if you have never been to a urinologist let me try to describe how incredibly uncomfortable it is within the first 10 seconds of meeting the guy. he walks into the room and first thing out of his mouth is hi, pull down your pants. talk about an awkward moment for someone who is 12 years old. it was rather just uncomfortable but well if he had some answers for me i had to do what i had to do. anyways after poking around and feeling around he decided that in order to know more i had to go to get an ultrasound down. oh joy a test i know nothing about. he then proceeded to tell me the same thing that i had been told already but i think his concern was that it was cancer. but either way i still had no answers to what was going on.

the ultrasound. i had no idea what to really expect. i didnt really know what an ultrasound was. from what i heard it sounded painful but anything at this point to me probably sounded a bit painful. anyways i get there and i get preped up to go get my ultrasound done. of course i had a female doctor taking care of me. oh great i thought. an actual female now is going to see my stuff. of course my thoughts were what if i cant control if i get a boner or something? how embarrassing would that be? i tried to just relax and go with the flow and hope nothing embarrassing happens. in order for them to take a look she had to take apply gel to my scrotum and rub it all around. ok so i probably can guess what some people are thinking at this point but trust me when i say not much of this was pleasureable for me. so she did the ultrasound and was taking various pictures when next thing i know there are another 7 people in the room with me. oh my god. why are all these people in here and looking at my stuff? if i wasnt feeling embarrassed already i sure as hell was now. anyways after all of that was done one thing was made clear to me...i did not have cancer. which was a huge sigh of relief. i was told to come back to the doctor's (the urinologist) office tomorrow, which would be friday february 7th.

so here is the day where i finally or i should say hopefully figure out whats going on with me. one thing is clear is that it isnt cancer so i was pretty excited and sure that it was nothing major. so i get to the doctors office and im sure im fine nothing is wrong. i was pretty much in shock at what was said next. i can go back to this moment in my life and it will forever be replayed in slow motion cause thats just how it played out at that moment in time. the doctor says to me "you have a strangulated testicle, on monday you will have surgery to determine if we can save it or if it is lost for good". i dont recall if thats what his exact words were but i think its pretty close.i kinda sat there thinking what the hell just happened. strangulated testicle? what in the hell does that mean? the doctor then explained what a strangulated testicle is. the testicles dont just sit around and do nothing, they actually move and rotate around. on a rare occasion the testicle may try to reverse its direction. when this happens it cuts off blood flow to the testicle and the testicle has a chance of dying if not treated immediately. it causes severe pain and vomitting in the person experiencing this. this is how i know i have a high threshold for pain. i never vomitted, i had an upset stomach yes but because of my high tolerance for pain i did not feel the full effects like a normal person would. my thoughts turned to alot of things now. what if my testicle is dead? if it is removed can i still have kids? is this surgery going to hurt? so many questions now but not many answers.

as the rest of the day went by i had nothing on my mind but the operation. i had one operation before and that was my appendix 4 years ago. this was so much different though. an operation on my private area. i thought of how embarrassing it may be to walk around and only have one testicle. granted god probably gave men 2 testicles in case something happened to the other one so we can still have kids still it didnt help ease that to some i could be considered like a "freak" or something. that same night we went to church bingo like me and my mother normally did. it was our thing to do together. at bingo i saw my best friend at the time jeff and his family. the last time i saw jeff was the last time i was at school which was a week and a half ago. so i told him what was going on with me. i said i was going to have surgery done on monday. my testicle might be dead and if it is they have to remove it. i really dont remember what he had said about it. i did however tell him to please not tell anyone about what was going on.

the next 2 days were spent with me having the same thoughts about what was going to happen and how all of this would play out. i went for pre operation blood work on that saturday. nothing major just sticking a needle in me to take blood. after all i've been through so far a needle was nothing. then on sunday my entire family came over for homemade pizza night. kinda seemed weird to be totally honest. lets have a get together cause nick is going to have surgery tomorrow. oh yay...celebration! im exaggerating a bit. generally people were concerned and it was more of a support thing for me. its not every day a 12 year old boy is about to possibly have one of his testicles chopped off. it was nice having people around for support and wishing me good luck. sometimes i wish things in my family didnt change so much.

the day of the surgery. got a phone call early in the morning saying i could come in at anytime to the hospital. the surgery was scheduled for 11am but apparently we could get it done sooner. oh gee im so excited i can get cut open earlier, let me just rush to get myself ready to go to be cut open! i still remember this day pretty clearly too. funny how 17 years pass and you still remember the little things about specific days. it was a cold cloudy monday feb 10th. flurries in the air and some snow on the ground. ironically 13 years later this same day would be the same day i get a divorce from jen but that story is for another time. anyways i was not in a rush to get ready to go to the hospital. i took my time getting ready that day and i was really nervous and scared to death.

we get to the hospital about 9 that morning. i go to the outpatient/same day surgery place. i was sorta surprised when they told me that i would be able to go home in a few hours after the operation. i had figured that i would be in a great deal of pain and going home so soon after surgery i just didn't think was possible. so the doctor came in to see me and kinda said what they would be doing. it was an exploratory operation to see what damage was done to the testicle and if there was anything they can do to reverse it or save it. i had my doubts of course seeing as how it had been 2 weeks since all of this started. this is kinda where my memory is a bit of a blur. i remember getting carted to the prep room. a guy was in there talking to me and he is telling me you are going to feel a bit of stinging pain but it will pass quickly. im sitting there and then he says did you even feel that? i said feel what. he had just stuck a needle in me and i really did not feel anything at all. i do remember them putting a mask on me obviously to put me asleep for the operation. i remember a variety of people talking to me telling me their role in the operation. i thought to myself god just how many people are going to see my stuff today. everything then went black.

i wake up to what seems like it is only minutes later in the recovery room. the truth is that it is like an hour and a half later. i have a breathing mask on me to help me breathe. sometimes after an operation you have a breathing mask on you to make sure you can breathe properly. i had read somewhere that after an operation it is important to keep taking deep breathes. i don't really recall what pain if any pain i had felt at that moment. of course i was still drugged up and whatnot from the surgery. i just remember a nurse constantly telling me that i am doing good and to keep it up. eventually after awhile they roll me out of recovery into a room in the outpatient unit.

so i get into the room and im laying there. i notice the time is now 12. i dont recall if i am feeling any pain at the moment. my parents come into the room. its good to see familar faces. i don't remember the conversation saddly. they turned on the tv for me. then my doctor came in and asked how i was doing, then he explained to me what happened and what they had found. by the time they had gotten in there for the surgery it was too late. the testicle was already dead. so they removed the testicle. then to make sure that this never happens to my left testicle they put a small stitch in it to keep it in place. the stitches surrounding the area that was cut open were disolveable ones. they will go away in time after taking baths/showers. they had hooked up a drainage tube towards the bottom of my scrotum to get rid of any fluid buildup leftover by my testicle. my entire area was bandaged up and the dressing had to be changed at least once a day to avoid infections. the drainage tube would be removed in 2 days and if all goes well i should be cleared to go back to school the following day. we told me to stay off my feet and just rest as much as i can for the next few days so i can heal and allow for all of the fluid to drain. like i was really intending on running a marathon or something anyways? he also said to me that despite me losing one testicle i would still be able to have kids and added in the fact that when i got older if i wanted i could get an artifical testicle to fill in the place of the one i had lost. that to this day is something i have never really fully even considered. i didnt really have any questions for him. i think he told me just all i needed to know.

few hours later i was ready to go home. this is when things started to hit me a bit more. before i left the hospital i walked to the bathroom and i got to see a bit of what damage was done. ok not entirely. i was all bandaged up so i didnt see much of anything. i got home and this is when i started to feel the effects of what this surgery did to me. i can't remember specific details but i do remember having trouble trying to walk. i could feel the drainage tube draining too. it was like a constant pressure/flow right by my scrotum. yeah i know it sounds a bit gross but thats how it was. nothing about this was fun and pretty. i also remember that at some point i had learned before my operation they had stuck a needle into my scrotum to numb it for the operation. all i can say is thank you god i was not awake for that. i laid there or sat there with this constant flowing due to the drainage tube. it was pretty uncomfortable. i cant really think of how to even describe it. then later on that night came the horrifying moment of having to have my bandage changed. first off im 12 and i don't like people seeing my stuff. i think anyone can relate. secondly it was my father who had to change the dressing. uncomfortable to say the least. this is when i got my first look at what everything looked like. i started to cry. i came to realize things will be a bit different. i dont remember how everything looked but i do know it wasnt the prettiest thing i have seen.

up to wednesday which was 2 days after my surgery things were just crappy. i had trouble walking. i was in pain and discomfort from the constant drainage. i of course didn't feel like eatting or well doing much of anything at this point in time. who would? after going through all of that, who would want to do anything? but i felt a bit reliefed in a way because i knew this ordeal had an end in sight and considering all of the other things it could of been it was something that was manageable. yes a lost, but a manageable lost. when a person knows that they are restricted with doing things they tend to have this instinct that tells them how to avoid having to do certain things for periods of time since it will be difficult for them. for example when i had my hands cut open and had to get stitches while i was working at krispy kreme i mentally trained myself not to go to the bathroom cause saddly my hands were in a position where that would of been virtually impossible. i kinda had to do this too given the situation i was in. of course before i went to see the doctor on that day i could not longer control it. now people may find this next part gross but what ive been trying to do is get people to understand all my thoughts, emotions, actions, everything during this whole ordeal so im being descriptive. anyways without getting into a whole lot of detail trying to wipe yourself while you have a drainage tube connected to you is not very fun at all. it was rather uncomfortable. rather upsetting too. the fact that i kept hitting the damn thing when i was trying to wipe did not help. as funny as it may seem to some it really wasnt.

back to the doctor's office yet again. this was becoming like a second home to me in recent weeks. quite annoying and im sure i could think of many other places i would love to call a second home. i get in there and he has a look around and then says you are going to fill a little discomfort but it will only be for a moment. at this point i think i've been through enough that i was thinking please just do what you need to do to get it over with quickly, dont try to prepare me for things just do it. he removed the drainage tube from me. i don't remember what that felt like at all. obviously not much of anything cause i'm sure i would of recalled. he said everything looks like it is healing nicely and i would be able to go back to school. i thought oh yay something other then being at home all the time. he said for the next few days i should put some bandages underneath my scrotum because there would still be some drainage. he sent me on my way and reminded me that when i got older we could discuss getting an artifical testicle.

back to school. thursday feb 13. number 13 again. i can not seem to get away from that number for some apparent reason. if i listed all the times that number has come into my life i could have like a 500 page book by the time im done. i was happy to go back. have a bit of normal back in my life. see some friends. be a teenager. i got into my classroom and i got no greeting or welcome back or anything at all from anybody. not even my teacher and my best friend jeff, the only two people who had known what was going on. i felt extremely disappointed. i had expected a little bit of something. sure im not really popular but i had been gone for 2 weeks and i went through quite an ordeal and i guess i expected more. the morning goes on without much being said to me but im just happy to be back in school and not at home going through all of this stuff. then something happens. im sitting there in our classroom and our teacher goes away for a little bit, one of the guys in the class named kevin turns to me and says so nick how is your sac? caught me off guard totally. i wasnt expecting that at all. i kinda looked at him and before i could really say anything kevin says to me yeah nick we know all about it. i could feel people's eyes staring at me for this conversation. so i confirmed it. i told people briefly about it. some of the other people in class spoke up to me and were kinda like wow that sucks im sorry im glad you are feeling better...etc..etc. sorta surprised me that people knew and were actually being somewhat supportive. to this day how the story came out is still unclear. there are two possible things in which i have heard. one being that jeff in a conversation with one of my other teachers was heard by one kid named jacob and he went and told everyone about my situation. the other one, and one that many people told me was the way everyone found out, was in class the teacher knowing jeff was my best friend asked him what was wrong with me and he blurted it out for everyone to hear. regardless of which one actually happened it doesnt matter. people already knew about something that i really didnt want to share with the world.

over the course of 7th and 8th grade it was never made into a joke to make fun of me about anything. in fact in my own sick and twisted way of dealing with things i was the one who poked fun at myself. i guess thats how i have always been taught to deal with uncomfortable things...joke your way out of it. not always the best solution for every problem but hey if you can make people laugh in the process it makes them feel a bit less uncomfortable about the situation at hand. a few nicknames were developed for me. the main one was twisted. i think i started that. since my testicle was removed cause it got twisted and an in earlier operation i had some shield for my bowels removed cause it got all twisted up i figured twisted was a good nickname. then came the nickname num nuts. you hear that and you gotta laugh. its just a common phrase people use now a days anyways. you hear it in movies and whatnot. i also started to call myself neutered. which of course at the time i thought was funny. obviously other people did too. then came the infamous one nut nick. i call this infamous because of what im going to be talking about in the next few paragraphs.

in my 7th grade yearbook just about everyone that signed it had to include something about me missing a testicle. my joking about it turned it into a freak show. guys wrote if i had 3 i would give you 1. sucks you lost your nut at least i still have 2. maybe you can grow your nut back. it was hurtful but at the same time i guess i had to expect it. i turned what was something major into a joke to try to deal with it. if i thought that stuff was hurtful then i truly wasnt prepared for some of the events that happened later. i eventually learned that while i was gone having my surgery and being in a massive amount of pain that various people from my class where making fun of me on a daily basis. walking around saying oh my god i cant come to school cause i have a hernia and all kinds of crap like that. this is what i love about people. make fun of people cause of what they are going through but if they were the ones in pain what would they do? answer is obvious.

by the time i got into high school the joking had calmed down and it just seemed to be one of those distant memory type things. i knew if people in high school found out about it, things could be so much worse. i know how cruel kids are and how they can constantly take something and pound into you and beat the life out of you and make you feel like you are so worthless and useless that you shouldn't even be around. 9th grade was fine for the most part well besides 2 seperate incidents. one in which involved my best friend jeff. we were in the lunchroom fighting about something. well i was playing around like i always do and i think he took me way too seriously and in front of a bunch of people he says well what if i tell everyone you only have one nut, how would u like that? i looked at him and thought to myself you son of a bitch. why would you even bring that up in a silly petty fight like that? no one really said anything. most of the people there knew already. one of the guys didnt and he is like you only have one nut. he is like that sucks dude im glad i have two. jeff says yeah im so glad i have two nuts myself. i just didnt say anything at all. another one involved the kid jacob. his girlfriend at the time had dumped him for another girl so he was bent out of shape about it. people were making fun of him cause he apparently made his girlfriend turn lesbian. so i said something jokingly of course and he says to me do you want people to know you have one nut, if not id shut up. when people have nothing on you they will use the one thing that they know can hurt the most.

10th grade ended up being one of the roughest years in my life. i went through alot of changes this year finding out who i was. my mom was also very sick. she had a heart transplant the beginning of 94 and then was diagnosed with cancer. i slipped into what i would call the darkside. i did stupid things to make friends. i went through a phase with "hearing voices" and thinking i would be better off to kill myself. it wasnt until the end of the school year i kinda realized what i was doing and stopped myself. it was indeed a dark time for me. alot of people do know this but what im about to say is what alot of people do not know. people who knew about what had happened to me starting talking. then the people they told started telling their friends and then so on and so forth. i dont remember the first incident but it was i think on the city bus coming home from school and some guy said to me is it true you only have one nut. i guess i kinda thought i could play it off like i did in the past and make jokes about it but it backfired this time. when i confirmed it. he was like aw man that sucks man im sorry. at least i have 2 nuts. then i hear other people talking about one nut nick and how he lost his ball because he was masturbating too much. it wasnt just one incident of course. it was a repeated thing. it made me dread going out into public. the more people that knew the more people that would talk about it and i would be classified as the freak known as one nut nick. there were other incidents with other people talking about how i lost a ball cause i masturbated too much and how it sucks to be me. i really can't remember everything that was ever said. i can remember the laughter and being made to feel like crap because i unlike most guys did not have a 2nd testicle. there was an incident involving another good friend of mine collin. i was walking with him on his paper route and a group of kids came up to me, kids i had known from grade school and they started talking crap. calling me one nut nick and mentioning the thing about me masturbating too much again. just going on and on about it. someone is like if i had 3 well i still wouldnt give you one. to top it off amongst all the laughter my friend collin was laughing with them. i stood there listening to the laughter and the jokes and thought to myself god i wish i was dead. why do i have to go through this shit? even one of my better friends is laughing at me? sitting here thinking back to this even now makes me cry. i do have to give collin a bit of credit though. these bastards who were going around laughing and joking at me told another friend of mine at the time that didnt know. he went to collin and asked if it was true and collin told him no it wasnt. too bad the damage had already been done.

things did however calm down and i managed to get through high school without any further incidents, unless i have just totally blocked them out and can't remember them. seeing as how i have remembered so much about this already i dont think thats possible. it wasnt until i had met jen online that it made me think about the whole nick has one testicle thing. i put it off for a few months and then did something that was very hard for me. telling someone i loved that i only had one testicle and if we were to ever get married and want to have kids it may take a bit longer then normal. see i dont know if that is necessarily true though. its something that i assume may be a bit more difficult. something i will have to read into. her initial reaction was being mad at me. mad because i didn't feel like i could trust her sooner with it. can anyone blame me really for hesitating with something so major and had so much effect on me?

over the years it has gotten easier to tell people about it. as people age they can be mature about private matters and understand things a little bit better. of course though there are always the few bad apples in the bunch. someone who i had grown close to when i was with jen, her name was brandy. i had told her about it in conversations i had with her. that situation was a bit complicated. anyways after our friendship died and we developed a hate towards each other she put on her website about how her and another friend of mine, or someone i thought was a friend, would have phone conversations about one nut nick. more recently like 3 years ago i had told my friend sara about everything that had happened. she was close with my best friend andrew. one day in our apartment andrew suddenly says to me nick why didnt you tell me you only have one ball. im like what the hell who told you. he said sara had mentioned it. im like so in the middle of a conversation with her she says oh by the way did you know nick has only one nut? that really upset me. yet again another friend talking about something so personal about me to another person. i sat down with andrew and told him the story.

why did i decide to write this novel, well almost seems like one at this point? i wrote it because i have alot of issues in my life. i have alot of trust issues not just stemming from this but from other things in my life like my ex wife, my divorce, various other people throughout the years, etc. people are naturally vengeful. people like to talk. people like to spread things about other people. its a way of life. however there are good people out there. there are some who can be trusted. some who can understand and will take something like this and say wow nick you went through alot of shit but its ok cause it made you a better person. i am a better person. i am even a better and stronger person by sitting down and writing all this. i dont want people to feel sorry for me. i dont want people to make fun of me either but this is my way of trying to trust again. cause honestly i dont trust many people. in turn though that has made me doubt the sincerity of most people though and i dont want to do that. people need to know who nick is. people dont necessarily need to understand who i am but maybe get a general understanding of why i do things the way i do it. i hope this has helped people understand me a bit better. it has made myself understand things alot better. we hold onto pain and suffering and we let it consume and eat away at us. this has been my way of saying ok yeah ive been dealt a few rough hands in life but im going to toss it aside and finally after so long start to heal. by telling everyone something so personal and embarrasing to me i think i have accomplished just that.

11/19/2009

boredom kills

boredom has forced me into writing. which i guess is not necessarily a bad thing but am i going to really have a point to this blog? do i have a point to most blogs? does it really matter? i mean its a good thing that im writing. i think thats all that matters.

no this isnt my "2012 the world is going to end blog"...thats still a work in progress. though who knows if that one will really be any good.

around this time of year...thanksgiving...i usually am in a funk. i dont feel like doing anything. im sad. im upset. im depressed. its been an ongoing thing for a long time. which i suppose is understandable seeing as how what ive dealt on that date in the past. in example my mom having a heart attack on thanksgiving day. that was how many years ago though? going to be 21 years ago this year. this year though so far i seem to be ok. i seem to be more bored and anxious then anything. i suppose though it would be that or crying my eyes out. which is better?

ive said it before and im sure i will say it again but i really do like facebook. its nice finding people that you use to go to school with or you use to talk to but lost contact with. i really like it for the fact that now some people i may have wondered about i have a general idea of whats going on in their life...or i just like stalking people. am i the stalker type? hmm maybe i shouldnt ask that to the general public to answer.

this football season has kinda just been crappy. i love football. ever since i was a little kid i have watched the packers. i was about the age of 8. when i first started watching them man did they suck. but it was still fun to watch them despite 4-12 records. then came the brett favre era. over the next 16 years they had one losing season which was back in 05. oddly thats the same year i moved back to wisconsin from florida. welcome home nick! maybe its cause of me the packers were cursed that year. anyways back to what i was saying. with favre they had one losing season. won alot of divison titles and even went to a few super bowls, winning one of them. i was so much into football at one time in my life that i use to psyche myself out and say well if the packers lose this week im going to have a bad upcoming week. funny part is it usually worked out like that too. yes folks i let how the packers played week in and week out determine how my upcoming weeks were going to go. messed up i know. its sad to see what has happened since favre has left the packers. 6-10 last year. 5-4 this year. but i think this year is disappointing cause they looked so strong in the preseason. i dunno hopefully the year gets better.

the whole favre thing really just annoys me. granted he has this big ego and he feels like he can do whatever he wants but he is an amazing football player who still at the age of 40 plays the game better then people who are like 15 years younger then him. i really think the packers screwed up with getting rid of him. well ok i understand they wanted to get rodgers out there and develop him but i really think favre was pushed out the door. his i want to retire no i dont want to retire thing was getting out of hand but i really think he felt like the organization didnt want him anymore. did they really want him anymore? normally teams who are comfortable with their starting quarterback dont draft a qb in the 1st round. i think that sent a clear message saying hey someday you wont be here. i really dont care that he is playing for the vikings and doing well. i think its great. i keep reading and hearing shit about how he is overrated and he flops in the playoffs. favre has always been one to take changes and put the game on his shoulders which makes him a very reckless player at times and he will make mistakes. overrated? mine you he is a super bowl winner and he has tons of records for passing. also look of the list of receivers he has had over the years. solid receivers yes...big time receivers? no. marino is hailed by many to be one of the greatest qbs of all time and guess what? he doesnt not have a super bowl ring...favre on the other hand at least does. that concludes my rant about favre. i had thought of other things to say awhile back but i kinda forgot them.

im going to take something that i hear from my father day in and day out. you always hear on tv how people are overweight and they need to lose weight and eat better and this and that. sorta funny when you have a weight loss commerical on the tv followed by a mcdonald's commerical. is that supposed to really help people? i mean one minute someone may be like ok i think maybe i need to lose weight but then they see this mcdonalds commerical and thing well gee that double cheeseburger looks pretty damn good right about now. they want people to lose weight and be healthy but yet they do things like that.

in conclusion this blog was pretty just useless. me rambling on about stuff...wait have i not done that for years anyways? i guess even though i dont demand people comment about things i say i am sort of curious if i actually do have any readers or i intrigue people enough to read my useless blogs. i like to think i tend to make a difference in at least one or two people's lifes. until next time...take care.

11/18/2009

hey you

"Hey you, out there in the cold
Getting lonely, getting old
Can you feel me?
Hey you, standing in the aisles
With itchy feet and fading smiles
Can you feel me?
Hey you, dont help them to bury the light
Don't give in without a fight."

hey you by pink floyd, such a good song. pink floyd in general...great band. great music. the first time i ever really listened to pink floyd was the entire wall cd at a halloween party. good times. trying to remember if i was drunk that night, im sure i was.

i know a few people are expecting a blog from me about some of this 2012 crap that we keep hearing. yes folks it is coming but right now in my mind i have a million different things going on at once. i figure i just do something else first.

i decided against posting anymore of my football picks. i figure its boring and no one pays attention to them anyways. the summary of my football picks is im descent at picking football games. oh wow big deal!

so my health. i seem to be doing ok. well with the exception of anxiety. i seem to be a bit more anxious the past few days. which is not shocking since i just said in a previous paragraph that i have alot brewing in my head. the anxiety atm seems to be something i have a grip on so thats good. otherwise yeah im ok. i went to the clinic again last week and my blood pressure was lower. still not great but lower. so i was put on my pills. which now that i think about it i forgot to take one of my pills tonight. damn it. no wonder why i feel a bit anxious. lol.

im still exercising...walking and whatnot. walking seems to be a new part of my life. im still doing well with watching what i eat. well ok so maybe ive had a few cheat dates here and there but with the holidays coming up thats not shocking. but i stand at 35 pounds lost since about the middle part of july. not bad...not bad at all.

cat is doing well. he is a pain in the ass at times but he is really adorable and sweet. im glad to have a cat around, minus all the cat fur that seems to bother the ever living hell out of me. he has a little bit of a personality. its kinda funny. he also craves attention. but he is a very sweet cat so its all good. i can do without the climbing and meowing all over me in the mornings however.

my weird dreams continue. but after looking some of them up and thinking about them some events in the dreams make sense. they pretty much revolve around the same meaning such as: putting the past behind me, getting over some of my fears and personal demons to achieve what i want out of life, changing bad habits, etc. the theme of a recent dream without going into detail about it was being able to achieve all my goals if i can dissolve certain things in my life. positive things. i also believe this year despite negative aspects has done alot for me and it will be a stepping stone to improving my future.

i did see the movie 2012. of course i liked the movie. i like those doomsday type movies, go figure since ive always had this fasicination with the end of the world. though it would be interesting to actually have a doomsday type movie where no one actually lives or 99.9 percent of the population is dead. in every movie they make they give us some hope that mankind can live on and maybe thats a good thing cause im sure man could find a way to live but come on we are talking about doomsday...the end of the world. why not actually do a movie in which ok doomsday comes and not a single person is left cause isnt that the point of what doomsday is all about? yes i know its hollywood but all those movies have the same theme. man lives on and blah blah blah rebuilds the world blah blah blah. change it up a bit and just totally kill off everyone. back to the movie though i thought it was pretty interesting with parts of it being unbelieveable of course. gives people alot to think about. what are my thoughts of 2012 though, not the movie the actual event? ill save that for a special blog...sorry.

i love writing. i like writing these blogs. as useless and random as they can seem at time its nice to just sit back and type out some stuff that i am thinking even if people dont care about it nor do they read about it that doesnt matter to me. tapping into my head and typing gives me a sense of accomplishment...even if its really nothing special at all. im sure ill be writing more stuff in the coming weeks. as i read more stuff and gather my thoughts i am going to write something about 2012 until then take care everyone.

11/03/2009

everything gonna be alright

seems like its been an eternity since ive wrote anything. im sitting here bored and not wanting to do anything but i found the slightest motivation to write. yay. go me! hey its something i suppose instead of like sitting here staring at the screen with this dumbfounded look on my face.

so how is life? life is just the same as it always is. you take a step forward and then take a few steps back. pretty much after awhile you kinda just have to take things in stride and figure out what the good is amongst all the chaos. there is good in everything, its just hard to find when we are kicked down to the ground. at the end of the tunnel there is a light and we spend forever trying to get to that light. eventually you do. it doesnt necessarily mean that all is well when you get there. think of it like this. in the tunnel of life you get hit by a speeding train plenty of times and you suffer setbacks. just because you reach the end of the tunnel and get to the light means that everything is all good. you could get to the end of the tunnel and get to the light and then BAM...big ole train hits you right then and there. yeah i know im trying to get all deep on everybody.

at the end of september we got a cat. his name is ozzy. i have not had a cat since me and jen had smokey. ozzy is really cute. he can be such a pain in the ass at times but otherwise he is a very sweet cat who craves attention. my sister and her friend were up north at this guy's farm closing it down for the winter and the cat ended up hanging around them on the farm. ozzy was pretty tiny but really well behaved and they didnt want to just leave him there so they brought him back and he has a home here. he was taken to the vet and he checked out ok. he goes for another vet visit tomorrow.

the month of october just sped on by. it was really just a downer of a month for me. i dunno ive made some descent changes this year but i guess its not good enough. i feel like i should be doing more. i kinda slipped a bit into a depression so i stayed away from my computer a little more then usual. got back into console gaming a little bit. nothing like playing some grand theft auto to pick up some hookers, screw them, then gun them down. great stress reliver!

im now down to just about 30 lbs, maybe a little bit over, of loss weight. if there is one thing im proud of this would be it. i got into a good routine of exercising and eatting a little bit better. i still have my moments but considering how i use to be i am proud of myself.

my blood pressure is still high. well at the clinic it was still high. at home it seems to be normal when i take it on my father's monitor. so cause of this i still havent gotten the stupid tooth taken out. ill go back to the clinic next tuesday and hopefully from there i can finally get that taken care of.

my foot has been messed up for about a week now. so i havent been walking or exercising like i use to. kinda sucks and a bit depressing. i was doing so well but cause of my foot i have been trying to stay off it as much as i can. i have i believe a gout on my left foot. was really painful at times. a stabbing annoying pain on my left foot. could barely walk. its getting better but my foot is still eh.

finally after 4 years all my stuff is here from florida. woo hoo. its been like taking a trip on memory lane. of course it reminds me of some of the bad stuff but like ive been saying good stuff outweighs the bad and there was plenty of good things from my time in florida. watching my original ghost hunting tape when we first would go out to cemetaries was pretty amusing. then i stumble upon my old high school yearbooks. reading some of the stuff people left for me was pretty funny. it is nice to have all my stuff here finally.

andrew and kelly are getting a divorce. i feel like such a jinx. the two weddings ive been "involved" with (and i say i was involved with their wedding cause there were just 4 of us there...small thing) ended up in a divorce. one being my own wedding of course. man i have such shitty luck. anyways it was sad to hear about that. i love them both and i wish the best of luck to both of them in wherever they go from here.

been a really strange year. bumps in the roads. a little bit of self discovery too. some changes. positive life changes. ive reconnected with some people. ive found people online who i lost touch with and now at least i know they are alive. despite everything that has gone wrong or right this year i think i have some sense of direction. it may take some time to get there but it will happen. the road will get bumpy but as long as i remain strong and focus i'll get there. one thing ive learned this year is that life can be difficult and unbearable at times but if you can remain positive and hopeful you can go a long way.

9/26/2009

broken, beat & scarred

"You rise, you fall.
Your down then you rise again.
What don't kill you make you more strong."


gee i was writing alot and then wham i disappear. i havent been feeling all too well so i havent been in the mood for writing. though i know from past experiences that sometimes the most positive things come out of something negative, i just didnt feel like writing.

about 2 weeks ago i started having really weird head pain/discomfort. its kinda hard to describe i guess it felt like pressure in my head. i felt disorientated and lightheaded but i was able to still do things. it got me really scared. the only time i felt ok was if i had cold wash cloths or ice on my head or i was laying down. i really had no idea what was going on so i decided it was time to go get checked out. i went to urgent care. got looked at by a doctor and it ended up being an infection from my stupid broken tooth. so i was put on antibiotics cause of it. my blood pressure was also out of whack and the doctor said i needed to probably get it checked out. she refered me to a free clinic that would help me out. she asked me what my normal blood pressure is and im like u know i dont think ive ever taken it when i didnt have anxiety lol.

so this past tuesday i go to a free clinic. i was pretty nervous. i mean ive never dealt with free clinics before but i figured eh what can they really do to help people but i went anyways. the doctor i had there was really nice too. asked me all kinds of questions. seemed to have a really good bedside manner. my bp was pretty high still so he gave me samples of pills to take and told me to come back in 2 weeks to see how they are doing. we also talked a bit about my anxiety and that. im sure my anxiety does not help my bp at all. they also tested me for diabetes, which thankfully i do not have. the doctor just told me things i can do to help my bp which of course meant exercise and dieting.

ive been kinda mellow for the past few days since i started taking these bp pills. little to no anxiety which for me is awesome. i think i have been worrying alot about my bp and that caused alot of anxiety and i guess since im on pills for it i figure im on the road to recovery so my anxiety hasnt been too bad lately. though i still worry bout stuff and im constantly thinking i believe i have mellowed out a bit.

since my sister's death i been trying to change my lifestyle a bit. i was reckless with eatting and getting no exercise. coming from a family with history of heart disease, diabetes, high bp, etc that was a pretty big mistake. her death has changed my life dramatically. sometimes i guess a person needs something horrible to happen to make them realize that they are off track. i dont consider myself to be on a diet. i try to watch more of what i eat. i also tend to eat fruits and stuff for snacks. i try to cut off eatting by 8-9pm at night, that was a major change for me. of course i mentioned this in an earlier blog. this week i added in walking to my routine. usually 30 min walks. i decided to finally weigh myself and to my surprise since the last time i had my weight taken ive dropped 25 pounds. that was a nice pleasant surprise and the biggest confidence boost i needed about this whole new thing im doing. see not everything has been bad.

i want to make mention about my sisters death. when i wrote the blog about her i had assumed she committed suicide. actually thats pretty much what everyone assumed im sure. well it came back that the cause of her death was natural causes. she had an enlarged heart, high blood pressure, etc. though im sure years of drug abuse didnt really help her out at all it is listed that she died naturally. so according to the coroner she did not commit suicide.

about 4 years ago i moved back from west palm beach to milwaukee. i kinda wish i could have some of those 4 years back. i feel like i wasted alot of time doing nothing. wasted alot of time being angry and blaming other people for pretty much everything. i kinda shut down and stayed to myself and i didnt want to take responsibility for anything in my life. it was always someone else's fault or something that had happened was to blame. i have a really shitty way of dealing with things. yes i went through some really crappy stuff such as a divorce but i spent so much time thinking of the negative out of all of that to see that there is alot of positives that came out of everything negative that has gone on. thankfully ive kinda started to see that positives do come out of the negatives and because of that i think im well on my way to becoming the person i should be. that is why i quoted lyrics from "broken, beat & scarred" because they totally fit into my line of thinking.

9/10/2009

fight fire with fire

"Fight fire with fire
Ending is near
Fight fire with fire
Bursting with fear
We all shall die"

morbid start to my blog. im sorry. that song was in my head at the time that i opened up the window. old metallica ftw. what metalhead can say they dont like at least the old metallica stuff? me on the other hand ive liked just bout everything they have done. im open to all types of music like that. i say that as a sheena easton song pops on my playlist. hey i cant help it, morning train was a catchy tune!

and how is nick? nick isnt too bad. wow is this the same nick who in some of his blogs talked bout depression and negative this and negative that. yes folks, may be hard to believe but im that same nick. im not going to say everything is 100% perfect cause who the hell is ever 100% perfect all the time anyways? and if they are i have to call bullshit. i dont think its humanly possible. ok i rambled...like i do and got off track. nick is doing ok. i still have various little health issues but i guess if i can remain stress free as much as i can i feel ok.

got a haircut yesterday. it looks good. and thank god for someone who knows how to listen and do exactly what i wanted. i dread getting my haircut cause they never do it the way i want it done and this lady got it right. finally. thank you god for putting a woman on this planet who listens to me! yeah i had to put in a woman bashing comment, it wouldnt be me if i didnt. many people know im just joking when i do, or do they?

job hunting. i really dont see why i should have a problem getting into a grocery store if i really put forth an effort. granted a grocery store job isnt something to like i dunno go ape shit over but its respectable work. i like it. as much as i bitched about publix and sentry i enjoyed working in grocery stores. with all my experience im sure someone is bound to pick me up. of course experience could work against me. thinking that cause of my experience i should get paid more. well its true, i should but really i dont give a shit. i want to get my foot in the door somewhere and start over.

facebook. u know at the beginning of the year i said it was gay. now i am hooked. there are cool little games to play on there but for the most part its because ive been able to reconnect with old friends and people who sorta just disappeared out of my life. i really like it. ive done alot of reconnecting with old friends. and even if i dont talk to all the people who i add to facebook at least i can keep tabs on what is going on in their lifes...something i didnt do before.

speaking of old friends. i may be getting together soon with an old friend of mine from grade school...tommy. its been like 16 years since i last seen him. very long time. we were pretty descent friends in grade school. we went to different middle schools and then at first we were in the same high school but because i didnt want to go to bay view i transfered out to tech. the last time i saw him was at bay view. kinda funny how so much time can pass and then you get a chance to reconnect with someone.

so i had a very weird dream. it started off as a nightmare. if u refer back to my blog "all nightmare long" i talked about some dreams i had reoccuring and whatnot. well this one was one of those freddy krueger dreams. after all these years that son of a bitch can still manage to freak me out. i think it really sucks cause i like his movies. i think he is hilarious. anyways i dont remember much of what happened in the dream i know that somehow i got freddys glove and i assisted him in killing someone. not on purpose, it was like i had no control over it. that wasnt the weird part of the dream. next thing i know im in a limo, i believe it was a limo. i had this chick on top of me. yes we were having sex. but this chick wasnt really human. she was an alien. she was green too. which i guess makes sense in a way since green is my favorite color next to black. she sorta resembled one of the twileks from star wars. dont even say it ananda! i know what u are thinking and yes when i played swg i had a thing for twileks. i couldnt help it! anyways so yeah i was in a limo with this alien chick and we were having sex. you know for being an alien though she was kinda hot. yeah as you all can tell now i havent had sex in a long time, but we wont get into that.

cant really think of what else to write about now. well there are a few things but ill save them for later times.

9/06/2009

another life to live

written by...Kathleen N Kendzierski

"Another Life To Live"


Thanksgiving Day, November 24, 1988...a day that changed my life. We were planning to join my sister, Judy, and her in-laws at her house for turkey and the fixings. My job was to bring the rolls. I awoke early so I could run over to the grocery store to buy fresh rolls. I put the coffee on and sat down with a cigarette and waited for the first, freshly brewed cup. The cigarette smoke bothered me so I stubbed it out. By then, the coffee was ready and I poured a cup. Something didn't feel exactly right, but I couldn't put my finger on what was wrong. The coffee didn't taste as good as it had smelled a few moments before - I paced around the kitchen - tried the cigarette again - one puff - put it out again. By then, apprehension set in. My left arm started to hurt ( I had pain in my arms before, especially when I did too much typing) - but - this felt - DIFFERENT. I grew restless. I sat down in my favorite recliner chair and tried to relax, but I couldn't. I felt sweaty, yet chilly, and that darn arm just kept on hurting. I couldn't sit still and was banging me feet together. Finally after a few minutes, apprehension grew into a sense of real fear. But, fear of what? Somehow I knew that I should tell someone and get help. I was the only one up at the time so I woke Bob, my husband. Told him that my arm was hurting and that I felt scared - I couldn't believe it when I started to cry while we talked - asked him to please call the doctor and tell him that there was something wrong with me. He. called. He wasn't able to tell the doctor much because I was crying too much to really say a lot - could only get out that me left arm hurt a lot and that I was scared and sweaty. The doctor told him to take me to the hospital emergency room right away. I started to cry harder, this was a holiday and certainly not a day to go to the hospital! I mumbled something about the rolls and Judy's house while Bob helped me to get dressed. It took a while as I was nervous and growing weak and couldn't get my clothes on.

We left the house, leaving a note for the kids telling them where we went. Upon arrival at the hospital, Bob took me directly to the emergency room while he want to the admissions office to sign me in. The nurses helped me into a gown and started to question me about my history. I became angry and told them I wanted them to just make me feel better. "I can't think with my arm hurting so much, and I just know something is terribly wrong with me." I cried then and they gave me some white, chalky liquid to drink. I thought they were crazy - antacid will NOT fix my arm. I tried to take the stuff but a little sip stuck in my throat and I really had a hard time swallowing it. They prompted me to drink all of it. By now, I was more than angry at them. I told them I couldn't drink that junk and laid my head down on the cot. All of a sudden, everything went black and I heard the nurse say, "No pulse, no respiration" and something else that I couldn't make out. Months later I remembered that they had announced over the pager system "Code 4 Emergency Room". (Code 4 is used by hospitals to announce either a cardiac or respiratory arrest.) Being the only patient in the emergency room at that time, they had to be calling the code on me! Poor Bob was still in the admissions department when they announced the code and he didn't know what was going on - he knew I was the only patient in the ER but he didn't know what Code 4 meant. Someone (I think from Pastoral Care) finally approached him to let him know what was happening.

Deep darkness - I'm hearing talking but can't make it out - I strain my ears, can't understand the words - sounds urgent. Suddenly I'm thinking about reading accounts of other people's "near death" experiences - why am I thinking about this?...could it be?...where's the tunnel?...the LIGHT?.....I look real hard but can't see anything. I don't like this...I can't be dying...I'm too young...I didn't finish that afghan yet and...OH, BOB, HELP ME....I didn't say goodbye or.....I hope he doesn't cry and...Nick...God, he's only a "baby" yet - oh, sure tell me, he's in what, 4th grade?...come on Kath, you would miss all of them...the names came....Bobby...Cindy...Jay...Mary...Trink...Daisy, our dog....the rest of the family, friends, co-workers faces sprang into view.....is this the review of my life?....where the heck is that light? Oh, no, have I been that bad....am I really going to go to.....Please God, I don't want to be here -its dark and chilly and scary. My eyes fly open and I see a doctor leaning over me and he says something like, "Hi, welcome back". Blackness again. Eyes open again, same doctor saying something about a heart attack.

Back and forth between bright overhead lights of the ER and blackness several times. Bits and pieces of conversation - words like heart cath, blood type, blood tests, major MI, diabetes.....is this really ME they are talking about - I don't have diabetes but ......didn't they say I had a major heart attack? I try to talk but something is in my mouth. I try to swallow and can't. I am scared, I start to cry again. Different voices saying something about a ride t ICU. Movement - people fussing about moving me and watching out for the tubes and something about ventilation. Is it warm in here? Boy, do I feel tired! Can't open my eyes. I go to sleep.

Someone is talking to me. I open my eyes and see this young, handsome man by my bed, holding a chart open and saying something about signing a consent form for a "Heart Cath" - he is smiling at me so it must not be too bad. He continues to explain the procedure to me and tears come again. He pats my hand and says it will be "okay" - that they just want to look inside my heart to determine the extent of the damage - so I signed the papers. Wait....did he say damage? What does that mean - oh no, my eyes are closing again. Stop it eyes!!! I want to ask questions. I don't want them to do this to me. I changed my mind.....too late - eyes are closed and there's blackness again. Now, what was I thinking about....I drift off to sleep again as if I had not a care in the world.

Later I woke up - there were beeping noises all around me. I felt tubes in my nose, throat, arms, and other places I won't mention here. Wait - someone's here. It was Bob and Judy, my sister. What is she doing here - she's supposed to be cooking a turkey dinner for everyone. I didn't get the rolls. I tried to say I'm sorry but the tube in my throat prevented me from speaking. I tried to move to look around - I don't want to lay down anymore but they stopped me - told me to keep still because I had a splint on my leg that they used for the heart cath and it had to be straight for 12 hours. My arms were tied down - tried to get them free - they are too tight - how could they tie me to the bed - I am very angry now...I bang the other leg against the side rails in frustration....they told me again that I needed to be very still and rest. Bob said the kids want to see me and I nod the head. They came in, one or two at a time - Bob and his wife, Leanne, Cindy, Jay and his girlfriend, Colette, Trink, Mary. They were all crying. Hey you guys, why are you crying? I tried to sit up to show them that I'm okay but I couldn't move much - the tube in my throat hurt....tears ran down my cheeks and I tried to pull my arms free again. Bob told me to go back to sleep and something about seeing me later. Hey, you just got here and I have a million questions.....where is Nick? - Why isn't he here? - seems like everybody else was - did I miss seeing him.....oops, darkness yet again. (Found out later that they decided not to have Nick see me until I looked a lot better. I was a sorry sight with the tube stuck down my throat, my tongue sticking out of my mouth and tubes running all over the place. Being on a respirator was not a sight for a nine year old boy to see his mom.)

One day melted into the next - with no idea of what day or time it was or even really where I was. I vaguely remember lots of talk about "major heart attack" and "diabetes". I also remember thinking no more hot fudge sundaes or chocolate donuts or chocolate chip cookies....being a chocolaholic...it was almost more than I could stand to think about so I'd drift off to sleep again and again.

I remember other things - some of which I really don't want to remember, like suctioning and catheters. But most of the days I spent in ICU are just a blur or small pieces that don't fit together. I remember a Chaplain friend of mine who stopped in for a visit while I was still intubated and couldn't talk. When asked if she could so anything for me, I wrote a note to her. It simply said "chocolate malt". She later told me she knew I'd be okay then because I was still "me" and still had my own brand of a sense of humor. I remember complaining about how hot it was. They had to turn the heat way done and everyone else was cold ( the nurses all wore sweaters in my room). They eventually got a fan to blow on me and it was a little better but I needed a cold washcloth on my head most of the time to stay cool. Bob would have to tell me to breathe when the machine would go off because I'd forget to breathe occasionally. It amazed me that not breathing didn't hurt - when you first have trouble breathing it hurts but when I coded, I remember thinking that it didn't hurt anymore. I was on the respirator for four days before I was able to breathe on my own with the help of the oxygen mask only.

One day, a bunch of balloons arrived at the nurses desk, which I could see from my bed.....I wondered who they were for - they looked so cheery - the nurse brought them into my room - the card indicated that they were from co-workers from a previous job (Children's Hospital Lab"......How did they know?????? The balloons were attached to a pail that had a hospital survival kit in it. There was a noise maker to ward off doctors and nurses, a spider to scare them away and some other stuff in it that I don't remember but it was very cute.

My 46th birthday arrived and I was still in ICU - it's been a week since the "big one" and I was still here. When alone, my thoughts turn to why am I still alive? I now jokingly tell people that heaven wasn't ready for me yet because they are scared that I might try to "organize" it. The tubes were all out now and the nurses said I could sit and dangle my feet over the side of the bed. Such a little thing made me feel good. The young girl from physical therapy came in and told me that tomorrow "we" are going to go for a walk. My eyes widened - did I hear correctly - did she say WALK???????

The family came to visit and they brought me presents because it was my birthday but best of all, Nick came to visit me for the first time.....he looked older, more serious....feelings flood over me......I could hardly talk to thank them - my voice had not come back yet from having the tube in my throat for so many days, and emotions were running a little high. I thought that they understood even though I couldn't vocalize it well. After they all left, one of the nurses told me I might be moving to the regular part of the hospital soon. I dangled my legs over the sides several minutes and it made me very tired. This was the first day that I really remembers much of anything and was awake for several hours!!! Seemed to fit that this should happen on my birthday.

Later that night, I asked for water - I am so thirsty - they brought me six ice chips....they melted so fast in my parched mouth.....asked for more - they said, "No, you had enough for now". Enough!....you must be kidding!!!! After they settled me for the night and they were busy elsewhere, I got out of bed and maneuvered myself over to the sink. I calculated that the tubes and wires would stretch just enough to reach so I could get a real drink. No cup - I don't believe this - what kind of service are they giving me here? Aah, there's a small medicine cup on top of some papers in the wastebasket. Looks clean - turn on the water - rinse the cup "just to make sure", gobble one, two three, oh yes, this is soooooo good, four - oops! two nurses came running in yelling, "What ARE you doing?". I acted confused so they didn't scold me too much. Turns out, the wires did not reach but instead, pulled out of the monitor just enough to set the alarm off.

The next day, the physical therapy girl came to get me and "we" walked several feet out of my room and back to the bed again. I was exhausted, I hoarsely asked her if "we" were finished so I could take a nap! I couldn't believe how tired I was. The next time, "we" walked from my room to the nurses station and back - must have been at least 10 miles or so. The nurse told me I'm moving "tonight". They gathered my belongings and I moved to the "floor". That night, I was so excited about being out of ICU that I hardly slept a wink. It felt wonderful to have a telephone so I could talk to people again. I wanted to call everyone that I knew but of course, that was virtually impossible.

The two additional weeks I spent in the hospital were taken up in afternoon naps, walking in the halls to get my strength back (amazing how fast one get tired after a heart attack - all I do is rest and nap and I'm still very tired)., taking showers ( I absolutely hated those bed baths!!!!! ) , early evening naps before visitors, learning about diabetes and aftercare for heart attack patients (cardiac rehabilitation sessions), learning how to give myself shots and test my blood, late morning naps, and best of all having visitors and making phone calls to my friends.

The treadmill and I met with a bang - part of the discharge process was to have a stress test to determine the level of cardiac rehab I was to have. When the machine started, it was set too fast for starting off and I couldn't get my feet to move fast enough, so I fell. My heart was pounding and I was shaking all over. Dr. B. asked me if I thought I could continue. I was doubtful but knew that I had to have the test before I could go home so I rested for a few minutes more. When I finally regained my "usual composure", I passed the test with better results than the doctors had expected.

My voice still had not come back but everyone was getting used to me sounding like the "Godfather". I thought about the upcoming holidays. My visitors and I would talk a walk to the other side of the floor to look out of the windows - many of the houses nearby were all bright with holiday decorations. How will I get my shopping done? I wonder if we will have money to shop with....When I asked Bob, he told me not to worry about it....Is he crazy - now can I NOT worry? We?d walk down the other hall to the lake side of the hospital and look out those windows. I looked in the night sky and saw all the stars twinkling so brightly. Couldn't see the lake because of the darkness but I felt a sense of peace that everything would be okay and for a brief moment, my fears were quieted.

I finally got a roommate that was around my age. She was in for testing - stomach problems. We hit it off rather well. Turned out that she and her family were wrestling fans. We talked for hours about the professional wrestlers and how weird some of them were. We talked most of the day and half the night. She worked at Kohls and was a manager so we also talked about work and funny stories about the various employees at her place and mine.

The bright sun fell across my bed and kept me warm while I had one of my famous afternoon naps.....I dreamt about why I am still alive....am I not finished with my "job" yet? What do I have to do yet? Does it have to do with my family....my friends....my job? I contemplate what the doctor told me - that I was very lucky I made it to the hospital when I did and something about a low survival rate for that type of heart attack.

One of my friends, Darleen, came to see me and she brought me a present from the bitch club - it is a Chinese Red bathrobe. It is so pretty and cheerful, I can't wait to put it on. It's so good to see someone besides the family - I love them dearly but a change of face is so nice.

More days passed, I felt stronger, walked further, and stayed awake longer each day until I was told that I would be going home "tomottow". I became frightened. One of the nurses came in to talk to me and reviewed my new daily regimen and to say good-bye. I started to cry - I'm glad to be going home to my family again and I am so very scared - what if......., how will I remember all these pills and how will I manage to cook, clean, and go back to work.... She told me that it was normal to feel apprehension, that I'll be fine and to call if I needed anything. We hugged. Others came in to say goodbye. They told me to keep my "great sense of humor" and that they would miss all my wacky comments. Later, my roommate and I talked and talked until another patient came and knocked on our door and asked us to "be quiet and go to sleep - don't you know that it is midnight and you are keeping everyone here awake". We apologized and he left. We broke out into laughter and couldn't stop giggling like a bunch of little girls. We closed the door so none could hear us and then continued our celebration - after all, who could sleep THAT night??????

The big day arrived - I collected my belongings and Bob came to take me home. My heart was pounding so hard I thought it would crash through my chest wall. But I smiled and tried not to show how scared I was. A volunteer whelled me out to the car. The sun was shining on the snow and made me squint. It felt good to smell the cool fresh air. We arrived home. The kids were either at work or school. I was happy to see our dog, Daisy - she looked at me strangely and promptly sat on my feet - maybe that was so I wouldn't be able to leave again. Later in the day, Nick came home from school and the girls came home from work. All of this made me tired but I was afraid to go to bed alone. I waited for Bob to get home from his second shift job before I finally crawled into bed. The warmth of the waterbed felt wonderful and it was nice not to have side rails to maneuver around. My prayer was a simple, "Thank You, God."

After I went home, I had to go back to the hospital three times a week for cardiac rehab - walking on the treadmill (my most favorite thing to do!!) The nurse would first weigh me and then take my blood pressure and hook me up to the monitor. Then we'd do a series of warm-up exercises and then I'd walk on the treadmill. I hated that machine and never felt comfortable. I'd remember my fall and still had the scar on my left knee. I'd be very tense and would watch the clock to make sure I didn't stay on for more than one minute over time. We came up with a nickname for me - Wendy called me "Thunder Thighs" because of the size of them but also because I would get pain (thunder) in them from lack of exercise. There was a chalkboard in the office where everyone in rehab was listed along with their current exercise status and she put my new nickname up on the board. Everyone wanted to know who was thunder thighs and why did I have that name. The six weeks that I was supposed have stretched into about 8 or 9 - had to cancel some sessions because of illness or snow or whatever other excuse I could come up with. Bob made sure I went as much as ne could but some days I just couldn't do it. Once, I woke up with pain in my left arm. I was so scared that I was having another heart attack but was more scared to tell Bob so we went to the hospital for the rehab session anyways. When I got there, Wendy said "Hi, how are you today?" That was all I needed so I promptly started to sob. It took quite a while for me to calm down enough so that I could talk and tell her about the pain in my arm and how it felt like it did the day I had my heart attack. She took my vital signs(which were okay) and then hooked me up to the monitor which showed everything to be okay. We managed to do a short session that day and I felt better that I was able to do a least part of a session. I finally graduated and received a mended heart t-shirt and a pin to wear on it along with a certificate.

For the most part, I have changed - not only diet wise but also personally. Oh, I still wish I'd win the lottery and still want "things" others have, but I seem to be more content with what I have than before.....my friends also say that I am different but they can't pinpoint how. All I know is that sunrises and sunsets are more beautiful, the clear blue sky looks more intensely blue, clouds have faces on them, the air smells fresher than ever after a rain shower, the lilacs in spring are much more fragrant, the doggie kisses are more welcome. And the hugs are more frequent, the caring is deeper and the love is flowing more freely. I feel loved.

My voice finally returned after the holidays were over. I returned to full time employment after a five months leave of absence. In the following years, there were several other incidents of hospitalization, countless trips to doctors offices, and a bazillion anxiety attacks but those memories are for another time.....

9/05/2009

some heads are gonna roll

"If the man with the power
Cant keep it under control
Some heads are gonna roll
Some heads are gonna roll"

funny how a simple song can just inspire me to write. i dont know what was so inspiring about "some heads are gonna roll" by judas priest but eh whatever works i suppose.

judas priest has been a favorite band of mine for many years. lets say since i was oh god 11? so thats about 19 years. i havent known many people who like them either. people like random songs but thats about it. i really got into them back in the day thanks to an old bf of marys. his name was dave. i hung around him alot. he introduced me to alot of different bands. i never knew that rob halford was gay either. i mean come on am i that oblivious at times? i didnt find out until the late 90s that he was gay and i'm like oh yeah things make alot of sense now. then i went on to say oh big deal, so he is gay...he still is an amazing singer and judas priest kicks ass. i dont get why some people wont listen to certain music cause someone in the band is gay or whatever. who the hell really cares? who actually cares if a person is gay or not? its their preference.

and yes another blog named after a song. its a trend that i cant break. sorry! doesnt mean im any less creative!

labor day weekend. ah what fun. actually its just another holiday to me. i dunno im not really all too big on holidays. halloween is still my favorite though. oh one year i would love to go into an old cemetary on halloween and spend the entire night in there. that would be totally awesome. or maybe even get involved in a ghost hunt in a really haunted place or something. i dunno. those options sound good though. as far as other holidays...eh. christmas though has promise.

i know i keep mentioning in random notes/surveys about december time and im sure everyone is dying to know what is so special about this upcoming december. sorry...i cant tell you all. =P i know how mean of me. get everyones hopes up and then crush them. ha! well see its more like i have a tendancy to jinx myself and i be damned if im jinxing myself again.

im doing ok though. slowly looking into getting a job. however i have health problems and im kinda wondering if i should try to take care of that first then focus on a job or try to do both at the same time. i really hate to get a job and then i dunno have to take time off right away due to some random bullshit. though i think i am finally going to at least go to a free clinic this upcoming week so i can just get some stuff checked out. i really do need to get stuff checked out. i also really need a job. one thing ive learned is i just need to be patience. things will work out in the end.

so random weird dreams. yep i dont think they will ever stop for me. but hey on the plus side it gives me some interesting stuff to think bout during the day after i have them. of course im kinda having a hard time remembering some of my more recent ones. the one last night kinda stands out. lol.

my old best friend brent was in the dream. he was apparently locked up in a mental hospital and they were doing all kinds of crazy shit to him i guess. so in comes super hero nick to save the day. well apparently in one of the rooms there was a major water leak and they needed a plumber. i figure if i distract his main doctor by posing as a plumber to fix this room and the pipes i could then find a way to sneak him out of the hospital. i remember in the dream fucking up the pipes in the room so water leaked everywhere. then i remember having to get naked to change clothes and all my damn clothes were wet. i dont know. very odd. the doctor gave me a 10 minute time frame to fix the pipes. so in 10 mins i had to screw around with that, change clothes and rush to get him out of the hospital. so after a bit i put on clothes. snuck out of the room which was severely flooded. i found brent and dragged his ass out of the hospital. he was injured so he was walking slowly so i practically dragged him to a truck where we took off. i dont know...very very weird. i should try to look up meanings for the dream.

anyways i felt like writing so there we go. the title has nothing to do with the blog but thats ok!

9/02/2009

running to the edge of the world

"We're running to the
Edge of the world
Running, running away
We're running to the edge of the world
I don't know if the world will end today"

quoting a song to start off a blog. something i always use to do. well another thing i do, if people have not noticed by now, is normally my blog titles are titles of songs...or lyrics from songs. i wonder how many people actually noticed that? ok i wonder how many people even read what i say? lol. see though writing is not about the audience, writing is just what it is...writing what you say or feel regardless of if people read it, comment on it, or whatnot. i know i tell people leave me comments and this and that but eh i dont expect it. im doing what i love and i dont need people commenting on every word i say. kinda defeats the purpose of writing.

anyways...writing again so soon. geez people might actually begin to believe i actually do like to write after all. always alot on my mind though sometimes i cant always put it down into writing and if i did id probably end up pissing off the vast majority of people that know me. ok maybe not true. my thoughts are all jumbled so this blog is turning out to be jumbled.

i chose the lyrics to begin my journal cause its a song by marilyn manson i like. "running to the edge of the world". nice slower manson song. not taking into account the lyrics from the song itself or the meaning of the song but dont u just wish u could run away to a far away place? away from all the pains and sorrows of everyday life? away from people you dislike? people you hate? a place maybe like a high cliff overlooking the ocean or mountains or whatever. maybe be by yourself or with someone whom you love or someone you are really close to. someone you cherish or someone you really relate to. i think you all get where im going with this. it would be nice to stand on the edge of this cliff and smile and just forget all the bullshit in life. take it the beauty surrounding you. take in life. i think this is what we are meant to do. not so much forget all of the troubles we have. not forget the pain and the suffering. not forget about your life in general but to embrace everything we have gone through and to say you know its ok i can still find that cliff throughout everything and enjoy life the way we are meant to. i know everything i say is easier said then done but think about it. is life ever really impossible to deal with that we can not go to this cliff and take it all in and just enjoy the simple fact that we are alive.

i cant say my life is perfect. i cant say i do what i should be doing. i still suck at taking care of myself and doing what i need to. im lucky though. i have good people in my life. i have people that care about and love me. that is sometimes just enough to make me want to get through the day. even if i fall i know i can get up again. if i go off course at times that is ok. who doesnt go off course from time to time? i'm thankful to be alive...and that to me is more important then anything else.

slowly beginning job hunting again. christ i havent worked in nearly 4 years. that is a long time. but damn do i want to get out there again. get some money. have a life again. oh my god a life? nick with a life? is that even possible? with a job i can get health insurance and i can get myself fixed a bit. yay. that way i can truly reach my goal of living to 150. why would i want to live to 150? i dunno. just sounded like a good number. anyways wish me luck with the job thing.

so this past weekend we had a family get together and i actually cooked dinner for everyone. this is something i had never done previously. stuffed shells though are easy. i spent 3 hours stuffing shells. i did regular cheese filled, meat filled, chicken filled, and then i tried ham ones. let me say the shells were a success. everyone loved them quite a bit. people took some home for leftovers. i was happy. the get together was alot of fun too. my nephews are really into star wars. they have so many of those toy lightsabers. kendzierski family light saber fights ftw. highlight though was me lightsaber fighting with my nephew johnny. he is almost 4. he gets all mad like at me and says "im gonnna get you poopdick". i spent the next minute or so dying laughing. good times though...good times.

back in the day before i discovered MMOs and when i wasnt busy from working and whatnot this is exactly what i did. id kick back, talk to some people online, listen to music and write. writing bout random stuff or writing important stuff, it didnt matter. all that mattered was that i was writing. jumbled pieces of crap or meaningful pieces of crap i was writing. for someone such as me that is important and maybe now im finally getting back to what is important. thank god. well until the next MMO sucks me in at least. =P

9/01/2009

all nightmare long

dreams. what exactly are dreams anyways? i mean are they just some series of random events or do they have deeper meaning then what is presented. i have pondered this question time and time again. though they seem pretty random and pretty crazy at times there may be signs or things within the dream that have a deeper meaning.

years back i would have the same reoccuring tornado dream. pretty much almost the same thing would happen everytime. storm would come into town. sky gets dark. massive tornado bout to hit us. it hits and instantly its over. i was having this i believe upwards of 4 nights a week. sometimes it felt so real id wake up immediately after and have to reassure myself that it was just a dream. i pondered and questioned if there was any significant meaning to this reoccuring dream.

though i dont trust everything that is said to me nor do i trust everyone i come in contact with online, u just cant. many dishonest people out there. i did come across one guy on aol who i was talking with about ghost hunting stuff. he seemed really interested in it. he also said he was a psychic. which at first had me saying yeah ok bullshit. but then this guy who mind u i never talked to before this night and who didnt know anything bout me starts talking to me about my tornado dreams. i dont really think i talked in depth about it on my old livejournal, maybe i did i dont remember. well he pretty much described my tornado dream perfectly. i was kinda like in shock. he said you are wondering what the meaning behind the dream is and im like yeah. he said you are overlooking something when you think about the dream. he said the dream is not so much about the tornado its about other things in the dream. think about the other parts of the dream and you will come up with a meaning. im like ok. so i took some time to think about the tornado dream i been having. tornado comes through town destroys a bunch of stuff but what am i overlooking. it occured to me that in every tornado dream i had that despite the destruction everyone was safe and sound. i thought to myself what if this is like sort of a metaphor for my life. regardless of how much my life may spin out of control and go off course i am still here...alive and well. after i came to that conclusion the reoccuring tornado dream stopped.

another reoccuring dream i have is about school. its always me being back in 7th or 8th grade usually. its usually a different theme everynight though. one thing though that is a constant is a dream about me going to my locker and thinking to myself gee its been a long time i have no idea what my locker combination is. kinda funny though cause i put in some random numbers and i seem to get the locker open. i believe the combination is 24-16-6. i do go to dream websites alot and read about certain things within these dreams and alot of things make sense but i dream about this period of time like almost everynight. alot of times though im not even the correct age in the dream, im like an adult.

elaborating on the dreams have deeper meanings then we may think im going to mention a few examples. years back, like 03 to be exact, my ex wife was having a reoccuring dream about her friend stacey being dead. the dreams were so vivid it would freak her out. well after a bit of time her friendship with stacey ended really badly. what did it have to do with the dream though? it was a warning that in a sense stacey and jennifers friendship was coming to an end. the friendship wad "dead". i believe i had a similar dream about jennifer before we did get a divorce. kinda foretelling something was about to happen. ive had a few dreams i could use as an example but then this blog would be like a novel. few months back while i was in wisconsin dells i had dreams about vampires. what do vampires represent? sickness and death. after that dream i was pretty sick for quite awhile. then a bit later my grandma died and my sister committed suicide. dreams having little to no meaning at all is open to debate however.

nightmares. who doesnt have a nightmare every now and then or a reoccuring dream that you just do not like? im a victim of this myself. sometimes they just seem so damn real that you wake up in the middle of the night gasping for air or so freaked out you have to search for a light or something to comfort you. it takes you a bit to realize ok wait its not real. what causes nightmares though? death of a loved one? tramatic experiences in life? watching scary movies? or is it just totally random?

as a kid one reoccuring nightmare i had was about freddy krueger. i know...one of the more awesome killers presented in movies and he bothers the shit out of me. its said cause i like the nightmare on elm street movies but i just can not really bring myself to watch them. maybe its cause i have some an open imagination and things play with my mind from time to time so its hard for me to watch it cause i tend to freak myself out. either way i was tramatized as a kid thanks to my brother jay. he use to be like obsessed with freddy. even made a homemade freddy glove. yep he still has it. anyways i remember sleeping on the couch one night cause for some reason im a couch sleeper and i woke up in the middle of the night to find my brother and friends watching nightmare on elm street. it was the alley scene in which his arms are stretched out wide so he can stratch on both sides of the alley. anyways hours later i woke up screaming cause i was having nightmares with freddy in it. it got progressively worse over time with freddy appearing in alot of different dreams no matter what. over the years they got better. in fact in some dreams freddy would have me kill people for him. a recent one was of freddy telling me he would kill me if i didnt have sex with a certain female. he didnt really have to ask me twice. kinda disturbing though. freddy watching me get it on.

ive had alot of different reoccuring nightmares. falling off cliffs, drowning (its no wonder why im afraid of water), ghosts, demons (i wrote about a demon one i had awhile back, maybe ill have to find it and put it in this blog), being shot at, murder, etc. some of my most disturbing ones have been about family.

one was about my mother. this was reoccuring but it mainly was after her death. she would appear in my dreams like normal. nothing seemed out of place. then things changed and she would be standing there and all of a sudden she turned evil and was about to attack me or so it seemed. those dreams didnt last for all too long though. i do dream about her quite a bit and in the dreams its like we know she is dead but she is there and alive and healthy and i think to myself um like arent u supposed to be dead. thats how real they do feel from time to time. on a side note i do miss my mom and i wonder often how things would be if she was alive.

the other is about my sister mary. its not surprising though seeing as how my relationship with her over the past few years was strained. i wont realy get into detail about some aspects of the dream. its of stuff i rather not mention. hateful things...sorta similar to what went on when she was alive. some of the dreams seem so real though and like with my mom i find myself wondering hey wait arent u dead while in the dream. part of the reason for this blog was cause of a dream i had the other night about mary. it disturbed me quite a bit. she was alive though even in the dream i thought to myself hmm isnt she dead. well it was snowing out and my brother was over and they were outside helping my father with the snow. mary was all bent out of shape about stuff. so i decided to sit downstairs and eat food and read the paper. i knew me being there would annoy her. it did. she kept talking under her breath. what i remember though is her about to walk out the door and she said something bout how she was going to kill me, my father, and my sister kathy soon. it freaked me out. freaked me out so much i woke up and said to myself wtf. i know it is just a dream but that doesnt make it any easier.

so dreams. regardless if they are reoccuring or if they are nightmares or just random stupid funny crap can they really tell us things about ourselves? can they tell the future? can they point out things in our life that we fail to notice? the answers to these questions are going to remain open for discussion and personal perception.