I'll be fine

Last night when I was upset I really should have come to my blog to write but instead I decided to blast music and then go to sleep. Seeing as how my mood is still shit I thought I'd come to my blog to talk about it. So here I am. I shall try not to make this too depressing.

Wednesday my girlfriend lost her cousin. I feel really bad for her cause she has been through a lot of bullshit especially in the last few months. I try to be there for her as much as I can but its hard seeing as how she is far away from me. Wish I could do more but sadly I can't. I know she is probably reading this so I will say this. I'm here for you with whatever you need and I love you. I'll help you get through this.

Ok so to tell the next part I have to backtrack a bit to March and April. Sometime during March there was this stray grey cat that appeared in the backyard. Normally I would try to shoo them away but this one looked a bit roughed up and something told me that I shouldn't just try to scare it away. Instead of scaring it away I got some water for him. He hung around the yard for a bit just minding his own business and seemed content with being here. So I ended up starting to give him food. My sister Cindy then gave me a enclosed cat bed. So I put that out there and yeah he started using it. In fact he was here hanging out in the bed the majority of the day and sleeping there at night. He wasn't bothering the birds at all either. The birds hang out in the bushes right above him and he didn't seem to care. This cat looked like he had been outside for awhile. His fur was all matted and it looked like he had a scratch on his nose. He was also sneezing and whatnot. Whenever he looked at me though he gave me those lovey eyes like his way of saying thank you.

I couldn't get too close to him without him running away. I wanted to do something more for this poor cat then provide him with a bed outside with some food and water. It was also still really chilly outside and the weather wasn't always too great so I took some filling from a few of my old pillows and stuffed it in the cat bed. He liked this. There was one day in particular where he just laid in the bed the entire day. I wanted to try to take him in somewhere to at least get him checked out. I couldn't risk bringing him in the house with my 2 cats but at least if I got him checked out and fixed maybe I could right? Well I tried one day to lure him into the cat carrier and that didn't work. This caused me to get a bit mad at my father cause he wouldn't help me with any of this. I was trying to possibly save this cat and I got no help at all.

Anyway as time went on the cat seemed really comfortable with being here. I went outside to visit him often. Usually in the morning, couple of times during the day, and then a few times at night time. I would talk to him and I admit I did cry a few times. I just wanted him to come by me so I could possibly do something more for him then I was already doing. I really care deeply about animals so not being able to actually do anything was killing me.

Around my birthday in April I stopped seeing him. I was afraid something had happened to him. It is very possible that with the return of the backyard animals such as the raccoons and the opossums that it scared him off. I waited like a week or two before I stopped putting out food and water. It was shortly after that when I took the cat bed and shot it away. I hoped for the best for him and I hoped that maybe he did find somebody to take him in.

Fast forward now to yesterday. I don't typically check the lost and found pet group that often but for some reason I felt like I should. So one of the first posts I see in the group is a picture of what looks like him. There was another post in there below that and yeah I am pretty sure that it was him. Sadly though as I am reading the posts I find out that he was taken in and checked out. He had worms and potentially a neurological disorder. The costs to fix him and keep him alive would of been too much and there was no guarantee anyway so they made the decision to put him down.

To say that I am feeling hurt at the moment is a bit of an understatement. I feel like I failed. I wanted to save this cat and in the end whatever I did really didn't help anyway. I know thats not the case. I did what I could and I did more then most people would but it wasn't enough. I was upset when I first found out about it and then I seemed to be fine. I was fine until I went outside last night to take in the bird feeders and I glanced over by the bushes near the house where he use to stay at and I just started crying. Now as I sit here and type this all out I can tell you all I'm still not fine. I'm taking this pretty hard and this cat wasn't technically mine. May of not been mine but I did grow to care for him and love him.

Sometimes it really sucks to feel things so deeply. Whats the alternative though? Not feel anything at all? Be totally numb to everything? In a way I am glad that I am able to feel. Yeah I hurt easily but at least it shows that I generally care. Can't say a lot of people now a days give a shit about anything. At least people know that I do.

Anyway I'll be fine. Maybe not right now, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow...but I'll be fine.

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