9/08/2016

Howling Fjord

I wanted to share a bit of a personal story today and yes it does actually relate to WoW hence the title of my blog. For those who don't play WoW Howling Fjord is a zone in the game that was introduced back during the Wrath of the Lich King expansion. It is my favorite zone in the game, mainly cause of the music  there but I do have a few personal reasons for liking this zone and I wanted to share that today.

Back during Wrath I was running a 25 man raid guild. It was a good guild filled with lots of good people but lots of clashing personalities that led to a bunch of drama. I spent a lot of time on the game trying to escape my own personal problems. Lets be honest though I still spend a lot of time on the game but I don't really consider it an escape anymore. I consider it something to do for fun and to meet people. I've met lots of cool people over the years.

People who know me know that I've battled some pretty heavy depression over the years. I've been through hell and back. Some of it was my own self inflicted pain while other times people helped cause that pain for me. Around the time Wrath was out it was a difficult time in my life. I was seriously depressed. Most days I didn't feel like eating, going outside, or even leaving my computer for more then a few minutes. I felt sick all the time. I was very unhappy, angry, etc. People who are depressed or have dealt with depression know what I am getting at here. I was also plagued with suicidal thoughts. I really thought that there was no light at the end of the tunnel for me and I was going to be forever trapped in my own little personal hell. Point being is I wanted to die.

On my 30th birthday April 25th of 2009 I wanted to put these suicidal thoughts into action. The majority of my day was spent by my computer with on and off crying. I really had felt like that was it for me. Truth be told and I've never told anybody about this up until now, I wrote a suicide note. Well on my computer I did. I don't remember what was all said in it now cause it was deleted a long time ago but yeah I did write something.

What does any of this have to do with a zone on WoW? I spent the majority of my day questing on WoW in that zone. I periodically would stop just to listen to the music and get all depressed. I was a total and complete mess. At some point during the day I think I snapped out of it myself and I told myself that maybe I needed to give life a bit of a chance again. End result? Well here I am over 7 years later.

About a month and a half after my birthday my sister Mary tried to kill herself. It kinda put a lot of things into perspective for me. I kept thinking that it could have easily of been me. A few weeks after her first suicide attempt she tried it again and this time she put herself into a coma and became brain dead. Few days after that she was taken off life support and died within an hour. This was one of the turning points in my life. The pain of her passing made me realize that had I ever done anything to myself that many people would be heartbroken.

A few weeks after my sister's death I decided to take a hiatus from WoW. I didn't feel like I could run my guild properly anymore and I wanted to just distance myself from the guild and the people in the guild. Not that they were bad or anything but I just couldn't deal with it. I left the game for about 4 months. When I logged off in the game I decided to venture to Howling Fjord and I logged my character off there.

When I logged back on the game 4 months later there my character was in Howling Fjord. I was totally alone in the game. I had lost my guild and most of my friends from the guild or just generally in the game had disappeared and went off to do other things. I got all emotional cause I went from running a 25 man raid guild to having absolutely nothing. Of course it didn't take long to get into a guild and make some new friends. Eventually I ended up running a guild again before finally departing the server I was on.

Every time I decide to take a break from WoW I end up going to the zone. People are probably wondering why I want to possibly make myself depressed. Trust me when I say I don't go there to be depressed anymore. I will explain this.

Last night I decided to venture into Howling Fjord for the first time in awhile. I was flooded with emotions. Funny that a zone in a video game can cause you to feel a bit overwhelmed. It has nothing to do with me being depressed or even sad really. Its a bit deeper then that.

The zone reminds me of my sister and what she went through. I do miss my sister. We didn't always get along but when she wasn't acting all psycho she was a really a great person to get along with. You could just laugh at random bullshit with her. I miss those days.

I'm reminded of all the bullshit that I've been through. Not in a bad way either. I think of all the shit that I've been through over the years whether its been self inflicted or not and at the end of the day I'm still here. Somehow I managed to claw my way out of my own personal hell and here I am today. My attitude about life has taken a total dramatic shift. It took many years but I can sit here and say that I love my life. This is still just a recent thing, sometimes I sit here and think to myself wow where did this attitude adjustment come from. I really don't know how to explain it other then saying that in the past few years I've developed a deep appreciation for what I have in my life. Its not always perfect but it doesn't have to be perfect. I just need to be happy and I did that. Does this mean I never get depressed? No, I think depression is just going to be a thing that I will never be able to get rid of completely. I can control it now though. I get depressed and I shrug it off. I think of happy thoughts. Female midgets naked frolicking in the woods. Ok maybe not that but for me I believe that any depression, sadness, angry, etc is just a temporary state of mind. It doesn't have to completely control and consume me anymore.

Funny how a silly zone in a video game can bring out such deep thoughts and emotions. I'm not even sure what the whole purpose of this was. Maybe people who fight depression and whatnot can take my own personal story and try to apply it to their own life. There is a way to claw out of your own personal hell, you just need to be patient and work at it. I believe everybody has a dark side and a light side. I'm glad that I found a way to make my light side outshine the darkness.

I'm going to end this blog by saying one last thing. This statement isn't ego driven or anything, it is something that I really do believe in my heart. The world is a better place with me in it than without me in it.

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