About four years ago I wrote a blog titled "the past". I wanted to write a blog as a continuation or I guess an update to what I had said in that blog. A comparison to how I was then to how I am now, and see if anything has changed. Even if people haven't noticed it, I know for a fact I have changed since that post. I will go over it in this blog, the past part 2.
In that specific blog, I said good riddens to the past and I talked about how everything that people had done to me had helped me become the person I am today. This totally holds true. The difference is now in a lot of the stuff that has happened to me, such as failed friendships and my failed marriage, I know I had some responsibility in that. That is one thing that has changed for me in the past few years. I no longer try to dish out blame for stuff that happened on other people. I had as much to do with some of the things that have happened. Yeah, I've been fucked over, lied to, cheated on, stabbed in the back, etc. Can I say I haven't done some of these nasty things to people too? Of course I have, no one is perfect.
I think whether we like it or not, we tend to hold onto things that happened in the past. It is not easy to let go. I'm not really talking about stuff such as my mom's death or my sister's death, I am referring to the heartbreak and the trust issues. While I don't hold grudges against anyone who has done me wrong, it still effects me. It sucks but it is there. As much as I try to totally just let it go I can't.
I literally have very little trust in people. I am sure no one can blame me for feeling this way, but it is a bit of a problem. I've noticed it way more lately cause as I've wrote about in the past few months, I've allowed myself to feel again and with that comes feelings of jealousy and not being able to trust people. I literally at times feel like people have an agenda and are plotting against me behind my back. In most cases I have nothing to worry bout it and it is my own paranoia getting the best of me. When this happens I seem to take every little thing personally and I get upset. Good news with this though, I recognize my problem and in time maybe I will be able to fix it. Not everyone is out to get you Nick, in fact you know quite a few awesome people.
You can't erase the past, nor would I want to. It has made me into the person I am today and generally I'd like to think I am a pretty awesome person. I have issues, like everyone else. I don't regret anything that has happened, hell if I wouldn't of gone through what I have then I wouldn't know what I do now. I don't live by saying I regret stuff anymore, I was taught to tell myself lesson learned, try not to do it again. A very wise friend of mine taught me to say lesson learned instead of saying I regret, and I thank her for that.
Four years from now lets see how much I have progressed in learning to deal with things in my past. By that time who knows, maybe I will totally forget about these two blogs of mine that I've wrote about and I will be totally "cured". We'll see. Life isn't about reaching a destination, it is about the journey.