6/19/2014

3am

3am again and I stand there and stare out the window. Most people are asleep at this time. Me, sometimes I am restless. Often I think too much. Staring out the window provides some odd comfort, it also gets me to think and to daydream.

I'm not the only one awake at that time. The window in question is the hallway window leading up to my room. It overlooks the end of our driveway, the garage, the backyard, and the parking slab. At this time of night I see plenty of animals roaming around our backyard. Rabbits are common. One time I saw an opossum running through the backyard. More recently I saw a huge skunk roaming around. See, not the only thing awake late at night.

Thoughts about my sister. I was suppose to write this last week and never got around to it. The 7th of this month marked the 5 year anniversary of my sister's first suicide attempt. On the 7th at 3am I went to the window to look out of it. My thoughts were of my sister. Most of the stuff she did that night 5 years ago were done in the middle of the night. I'd like to think I know what my sister was thinking and feeling that night but no one will ever know except for my sister. I will never think suicide or attempting suicide is the correct answer but I do understand it to a point. I'm sure I've talked about it in previous blogs. Anyways as I stand there looking out the window I wonder how my sister is feeling now that she is gone. Is she finally happy? Is she looking over us? Is she still sad? So many questions but never really getting an answer.

A little daydream in the middle of the night. The very next night I decided to stop by the window again. It was a bit windy that night so I opened up the window and let the chilly wind hit my face. It felt refreshing. I closed my eyes and let the breeze hit my face. I had a vision of me having a female companion by me. She walks up behind me to give me a hug. She asks me what I am doing and I reply I'm just looking out the window thinking. I then say to her lets go outside with a blanket and watch the stars. She replies with isn't it cold outside? I reply back with don't worry, we have each other. We go out into the backyard and set a blanket on the grass. We lay on the blanket and hold each other while looking up at the night sky to see the stars.

I really like that last part with the little day dream. If I believe in it enough then one day it will happen. I'll continue my 3am window viewing, if I am awake at that hour of the night.

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