May is starting off the same way April did for me. I seem to be battling through depression again. I can't even pinpoint one thing directly that is effecting me, it just seems like everything around me is in collapse mode. That is far from the truth though cause everything is actually fine. I feel it though. Constant pain and sadness and not knowing what to do to get out of this mess. I could talk to people I suppose, and I normally do, but I am not even sure what is going on inside my own head. Hard to communicate with someone if you don't know what it is you want to talk about. I thought I'd come to my blog for a bit and talk about it and maybe the question of what is wrong with me will be answered within the blog.
Today I've felt like I am in pain. Not a physical pain, more like an emotional pain. Unless you've actually dealt with depression it is hard to explain to someone how you are actually feeling. Most people would just tell you to get over it. While it is true, you kinda just need to find some happiness in your own misery, telling someone to just get over it is like one of the least constructive ways of dealing with someone who is like this. Again I don't know what triggered today. It started when I woke up and it continued until now. On and off tears and then an emotional outburst earlier this afternoon. On the plus side that whole thing tired me out and I was able to take a nap for awhile. My mood, although maybe at times not as bad, continued into the evening up until now.
Maybe subconsciously things are bothering me. My sister Mary's birthday is coming up soon and so is the anniversary of her death. Anniversary of my grandma's death is coming up. Always a lot going on in my mind too. Random stuff usually. This is why my blog is a good outlet for me.
I guess the best I can say to myself right now is hang in there. The storm will past and another one will come one day and that will be dealt with and so on and so far. Make the best of what I have right now and focus on that. I do have a lot of good things in my life that I am thankful for. We all fall down sometimes but we have to make sure we pick ourselves up. Oh and don't do anything rash either. The amount of rash ideas I had today would of seriously upset a number of people. Like I thought bout leaving WoW again and giving up my gm position. I thought about walking away from all my friends and such on facebook for awhile. I guess basically just disappearing for awhile. What would that accomplish though? I'd feel more alone then I am right now and I already know that I am not alone anyways so none of that solves anything. Maybe I answered what my problem is by what I just said. My problem ultimately is that I think way too much.
How to turn off the brain though? Walking more maybe? Writing definitely helps. Find something that calms and relaxes me I suppose. I don't like feeling like this but I know that I am the only one who can cure it. I guess I have my next project, working on getting me out of this funk. I am sure it is noticeable to the people who love and care about me and I am sure that they miss The Nick.
I will end this rather depressing and miserable blog with a quote that I like and I really think I somehow need to look past my own bullshit and make it work for me.
“Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain.”