4/19/2014

The downward spiral

The downward spiral. This month has been a mixed bunch of feelings, jealousy, depression, etc and finally I think it is time to let it all out. Please know that as I write this I am actually ok, other then this stupid gout that is acting up at the moment. True story, my gout hasn't acted up for years and yesterday my father said his gout was acting up and I said that I was glad mine hasn't acted up in a long time. This morning I wake up and my big toe on my right foot is hurting. Great Nick. Have you not learned to keep your mouth shut? Did you not learn anything from the hurricane thing while you were living in Florida? Nope, apparently not.

So I am or I should say I have been in a stage of depression this month. A lot of things have just been going on and I've had issues handling it. While for the most part I've handled negativity and depression pretty well the past couple of years I am bound to crack. A lot of it is coming from frustrations with running a guild on WoW. I shouldn't be surprised, I mean I have gone through this shit before. I rely on certain people only to be let down time and time again. If I didn't have such an awesome co-gm I probably would of said fuck it by now but I stick with it cause truth is I love running a guild and having people look to me as to what to do. With that responsibility comes stress. I wouldn't change a thing other then wishing that people would be, you know a little less retarded maybe?

I am not sure why but I been flash-backing to my sister and her death almost five years ago. Around my 30th birthday I was in a state of depression and I honestly didn't know if I was ever going to get out of it. I'll be honest and say that I had thought about suicide. In reality who hasn't thought about it at least once or twice in their life? I just want my readers to know that just cause I mention that word does not mean I would ever do that. Honestly as much as I may feel like life is kicking my ass and knocking me down I do know a lot of my own issues are my own doing and the only one who can change that is myself. I still ask myself the what if questions to this day but the difference is from now to then was despite my flaws and all this other shit that I say I am going to do and never get accomplished, I know I have so much to live for and I can still accomplish so much. More effort Nick, all you need is a little bit more effort. It is there somewhere inside you. Make a difference. But yeah been thinking bout my sister and what happened to her almost five years ago. I'm not going to pretend to know what she was going through and I am not going to call her stupid for what she did. People who are depressed and suicidal, yeah some of them just want some attention or someone to love them but honestly the majority of them are in pain. Pain that no one else but them can feel. it is hard to describe at times to someone how much depression actually hurts. Some people just can not understand what it is like to feel like you are in constant pain and sometimes people, to make the pain go away take their own life. Does it make it right? No it doesn't. The people left behind are left to pick up the pieces after a loved one takes their own life and its not easy. To a point I understand why some people do end their own lifes. I will never agree with it though. Understanding something does not always mean you agree with it.

Jealousy. Since I have had a lot on my mind and things bleed into something else I've been dealing with a bit of jealousy. I am a really jealous person. I hate it. Seriously I really hate the way I act sometimes. Although I may not be as bad as I was, I still hate being jealous. A lot of this of course is around my co-gm, whom I talked about in the last blog. Lets just skip all the details here though. She is a talkative person and she talks to people all the time. Other guys included and naturally I go into what I will call "rawr mode". Not sure why I call it rawr mode, maybe I am just trying to poke fun at myself. Again I haven't really I guess been as terrible as I use to be, I'd also really rather not get into some my old stories about that, it is really just bad. I actually had a conversation about all of this with her yesterday. I couldn't just keep on going with how I've been feeling and not say something at least. I'm just a jealous person, I'm working on it the best I can. I am thinking about it though and I talk to a lot of females myself. Majority of some of my closest friends are females. So how does it look if I get jealous about her talking to other guys when I am talking to other females all the time? I look like a douche. I guess in a way jealousy shows you really care about someone, well I think at least. Am I wrong on this? Anyways I am working on it. I have insecurities about myself and low self esteem so yeah jealousy is going to come easy for me. At least I admit I have an issue.

I'll end this blog the way I started by saying I am actually fine atm. Instead of trying to run away from all this and just hoping it goes away I decided to face them head on by first talking to someone really important to me about stuff and now this blog. I am still a firm believer in life is only as hard as you let it be and I've been letting it be a pain in the ass and that needs to stop and needs to stop now. If I say to myself that it is all uphill from now then I am going to be a believer that it is all uphill from here on out. Oh and be ready for some of my blogs coming up, they are going to be good ones.

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