4/22/2014

How to be a gm

When running a guild on WoW there are a few things that every guild master should know and should do their best to follow them. Since I've played the role of gm in various different games I have lots of experience. Recently however I was schooled on how to run a guild properly. Apparently I've been doing it wrong for years. I will share with you all about what I have learned.

Step 1: Practice Makes Perfect: Any great gm should be a stripper in real life. Get a stripper pole installed in your house and make sure you have it in front of the webcam so you can do shows over the internet for your current officers and anyone else you are trying to get to help you with your guild. What is more helpful is if you make a recruitment video and include some video of you on the stripper pole. This certainly helps if you are a female gm, but don’t leave anyone out! I am sure some ladies and gay men would like to see a man dancing around on a stripper pole too. If you think it is necessary then prostitution is another option. Now, some of your guildies could end up becoming attached to you if you choose to be a prostitute and too many attachments can cause issues.

Step 2: Guild Name. Your guild name MUST be an acronym. The more retarded the better. I won't use any specific examples of a retarded name but one we had come up with was DSP. Dirty Stripper Porn. The name totally goes along with the fact that you, as the gm, are a stripper an most likely a whore. So why not give it a name that is closely related to what you do?

Step 3: Finding a co-gm. Usually someone that you think you are close to. They are pretty knowledgeable about the game and they will work their ass off running the guild for you because frankly, running a guild sucks. All you really want to do is log on and pvp, but you want to have the power of the gm title, so you make everyone else do the work. In time, you will be jealous of your co-gm because everyone always loves the co-gm more. Your jealousy will eat you up. You will think of an elaborate plan in hopes that one day your co-gm gets sick of things and ends up going off and starting their own guild.

Step 4: Plot. Before the co-gm leaves, a number of things MUST happen. While he/she is trying to do the best they can to help run the guild, you must stop them at every turn. Remember, you are the one with the power, they are insignificant to you. They will suggest a ton of things that should be done in the guild, but you need to ignore it (pretend to ignore this, you will need it later in step 7). They ultimately just want to take over the guild so be sure to stand strong and reject everything. They will suggest new officers for the guild, DO NOT take their suggestions seriously, because the only reason they are suggesting said person is because they have feelings for them. You don't want a co-gm that is falling for one of your fellow guild members and no longer trying to work with you, because, let’s face it, it’s not like you are listening to them anyway… right? While all this is happening, make sure you have your next co-gm picked out. This is the one that you can relate to, the one you specifically recruited with your videos (Step 1 in being a GM). Because of your recruitment efforts, they will be loyal to you because they are hoping for a private show one day. This co-GM should be someone who is high all the time and just doesn't really know what is going on, ever. Remember, you really do not like the original choice for co-gm. Must get them to leave AT ALL COSTS!

Step 5: The Struggle: Your guild may struggle for a bit but there are ways you can help people out. First off, never log on ventrilo. If you log on there then you could be attacked or asked questions that frankly you don't have the time to answer, hell you may not even have an answer at all, but you don’t want to admit that to anyone, you need time for excuses. Remember, all you want to do is pvp and forget about running a guild, you don't have time for bullshit that really does not matter. Unless it has something to do with pvp, pot, stripping or prostitution, it doesn’t concern you. Hand out lots of gold to other guild members from your own bank, NOT the guild bank. People love being handed gold, who cares if they need help running stuff for gear or maybe they need someone to make them a piece of particular gear, gold will solve all the problems. Then you need to boast about how you have helped everyone out so much by handing out nothing but gold. It helps to have a lot of gold in the game. I suggest selling your stripper shows for gold.

Step 6: Betrayal. One thing you must do that may totally work for getting rid of your co-gm is inviting someone back to the guild whom they have had issues with. Pay close attention to who your co-gm complains about and take note if the person they complain about ever leaves the guild or gets kicked from the guild by your co-gm. Make sure you befriend this person THIS IS A MUST for success. You are a little bit upset that this person left or has to leave the guild. Remember to stay in contact with this person. You may need them at some point to rejoin the guild to set the wheels in motion to get the co-gm to leave.

Step 7: Implementing anything the old co-gm suggested. This next one is important. When the asshole co-gm, that everyone loves, leaves, start doing everything that he/she suggested. When I say everything I totally mean EVERYTHING. Everything that he/she suggested was right, but you wanted that person out of the guild. Now it is time to put all together and you have to TAKE FULL CREDIT for all the ideas. Add more officers so you can focus your attention on stripping, prostitution and pvping. Make sure you promote people that you talked shit about behind their backs. You MUST gain their trust, if it ever comes out that shit was talked they won't believe it because you are so awesome to them (Step 5 handing out your own gold helps with this).

Step 8: Friendships: Some close friends of your ex co-gm will probably still be in the guild. Make sure that you remove the one that is closest to the ex co-gm, but don't tell them about it first. If they ask about it, just say “we figured you were going to leave anyways.” As to the other friends you did not remove, expect them to stay because you are now going to be the BEST raiding guild on the server… Oh and regardless of how the co-gm left the guild or anything that has been said, you need to put that person on block IMMEDIATELY! Make sure to remove them from Facebook as well as the people you removed from guild, but keep the ex co-gm’s friends on the page, they are still part of your guild… for now.... DO NOT remove your former co-gm from your guild webpage, frankly forget about that page, you haven’t logged on it in 5 months anyways. 

Step 9: Accusations. When the co-gm leaves the guild, he/she may go out quietly. Don't believe this. They are plotting against you and will befriend and poach your members (remember, the ones left in Step 8). Put a stop to the poaching at all costs. Lie if you have to. Make sure your guildies know that this person left because of reasons that were untrue. Use the fact that you wouldn't make someone that they are close to an officer. “Yeah that is the real reason why they left, their feelings were hurt.” Make sure you tell everyone to watch out for poaching (again the friends left in Step 8). When the friends of the former co-gm leave… TAKE IT TO THE FORUMS! Tell everyone that the new guild is “poaching” their own friends (some real life friends) from your guild. Also, make sure you talk to everybody that leaves. You need to know why they left and then warn them that the GM (your former co-gm) is a two faced backstabber, even though you spent most your time talking shit about the person you are warning. Insult the ex co-gm AT ALL COSTS. People won't go to that guild if you insult them and insist that they two faced. Make sure that you also have a few people spy and/or put characters in that guild. They are going to have to befriend your enemy, but you need all the information that you can on how that guild is running and who is in the guild. The more info you have the better.

Step 10: The Finishing Touches: Schedule 2-3 raids a week. You are a raiding guild now, you can’t be caught dead in LFR. Get 15-19 of your guildies (the people you have spent the better part of 3 months talking shit about) and hop into Flex 1, all 3 days, eventually you will down something… Right? Move on to flex 2, all 3 days… one day you will get down the 3rd boss… Maybe?  then Flex 3… 2.5 hours on the first boss… he went down... eventually… This is when you need to set up your DKP (Dragon Kill Points, or points towards gear upgrades) because, well, you need to be prepared, even though Flex is on a roll system with random loot per person. OH! and new raid rules, you need those too… but I can go over that in another post later.  

Now that you have done all of this you are ready to run a successful, hardcore, raiding guild.

You’re welcome. I am here all week for advise.

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