1/28/2014

Hurt

After all these years even if I have accepted it and had time to deal with it there is still hurt there. I am sure some hurt is always going to be there. That may just be unavoidable. I wish I could fully make people understand how I feel but I can't. People can say that they understand but do they really?

There are triggers which will make me think back to not only my mother's death but my sister's suicide. Whether it be a song, a movie, something happening in real life, or something like someone talking about a friend committing suicide in guild chat. It is just normal though I suppose. You remember what happened, you think of how much you miss them and how you wish they were here, you cry, you remember the good times, and then you remember that even if they are gone they are still here with you in spirit and they are never forgotten.

The trigger for me this time was someone in guild chat talking about how they lost a friend to suicide. I said something about how I can understand what they must be going through cause I lost my sister a few years back to suicide. So I sat here and thought bout it and then started to think about my mom and it was like instant waterworks. I tried to get myself to stop crying and then thought why? Why stop? Just let it all out. Eventually I managed to calm myself.

I had another trigger last night when I was watching How I Met Your Mother. Not exactly sure why but towards the end of the show I was in tears again. Of course I was like um Nick get it together, you have to lead a raid on WoW in a few minutes. Not sure what it was exactly that was going on in the show but I guess it was just one of those moments.

The anniversary of my mom's death is approaching so I think this may continue on for a little bit and maybe this is why all of a sudden I am having these little triggers. I'm probably just allowing myself to feel pain right now. It may not be a bad thing either. I don't know. I do know that I miss the both of them quite a bit and they are always in my heart. I will be just fine.

I feel like I should end this blog on a happier note so I'm going to share a story bout my mom. Back when the movie Arachnophobia came out, which btw I really hate spiders, she had this spider toy thing that she had gotten from one of the hospital stays. It was on a string and you could push this thing down to make it look like the spider is jumping. One day I am sitting in the living room and she decides it would be funny to scare the shit out of me by throwing it on my shoulder. Which in fact it did scare the shit out of me. That was my mom, always making jokes just like I do the majority of the time.

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