4/28/2013

Mary

For whatever reason she hates me. Everything that is wrong in her life is my fault. She is angry and this time she seems to be out for blood. She looks totally out of it like she has either been drinking all day or using some other kind of drug. Drugs ease her pain somewhat but makes it so that she accepts no responsibility for her actions. She needs it to function. If she doesn't have it then she may as well just be dead. This person is my sister Mary.

Mary is not the person that I use to know. The Mary that I knew was always laughing or she had a smile on her face. Yeah she has her issues but the problems were never to a point of being overwhelming. I think this is when the drugs kicked in. Made her forget that some of her problems were her own doing and it is the doing of others. She hates the world. She wants to watch the world burn.

We are at some sort of party or something. I am unsure where we are at. Words are exchanged. She is trying to blame me for something. I can't make out what she is saying. I think she wants to hurt me. My sister Kathy tries to get Mary to back off and reason with her. There is no reasoning with the unreasonable. The look on Mary's face is of one that is about to try to hurt me. I try not to fight back with her or yell at her. I try to reason with her. There is a blank stare on her face. She then says something about wanting to kill me. Then she disappears.

After awhile I am walking around and thinking to myself that I am tired. I can not fall asleep though. Mary might try to do something to hurt me. I must stay awake and alert. I then see Mary and her eyes are fixated on me. She has a knife in her hand. I am unsure what sort of knife it is but it is a knife. I'm scared for my life but I am not going to back down without a fight. There are tons of people around, she wouldn't think to attack me now would she? She comes closer to me. The look on her face screams "I am going to kill you". Somehow I find a knife and I pick it up. I am going to defend myself if I have to. She comes at me with the knife but I manage to block her from doing any damage. More people are around so she tosses the knife to the ground and starts to walk away. A few people saw her with the knife. I start screaming "she is trying to kill me, stop her!". I am surrounded by a bunch of people. I feel safe for the moment.

I am now in a parking lot which was this tower like structure in the middle. In the distance is this like garage type area. I believe Mary walked in that direction. I hear police sirens in the distance. Then I see a huge truck come out of the garage. I think it is a garbage truck. I know immediately that it is Mary. She is going to run me down. I yell to some people that it is her. They are like no that can't be her. I then see her in the truck and she is heading this way. She is a little bit of distance away so I can possibly run to get out of there. I run to the tower like structure in the middle of the parking lot. I stay low to the ground in hope that she didn't see me. She did see me. She blocks off the entrance/exit with the garbage truck. There is no way off this structure unless I jump off. She gets out of the truck. I feel trapped. I have nowhere to go. Before anything else happens I wake up.

Dreams involving Mary are quite common for me. The majority of the dreams are pleasant but then there are dreams that are not so pleasant. It is not surprising. My relationship with Mary was not great before she had passed away. I won't get into any details but I will say it was bad to a point where I kept a metal pipe in my room for protection just in case cause I didn't know what she was really capable of or what she was going to do. Yes I was afraid. I forgave her awhile ago for everything that had happened. She was heavily into drugs and it really just screwed her up. She wasn't Mary anymore. She was a junkie. Everything she hated about herself she would project onto me instead of herself. It is easier to blame someone else for your problems. I forgave her for all of this and in turn apologized for not doing more to be there for her. No one could be there for her though. She pushed us all away and just wanted to deal with it on her own.

The violent portion of my dream makes a lot of sense considering what had happened in the relationship between me and my sister. Honestly I don't even see it as a bad thing. Because I am such a laid back person and I hate conflict I try to avoid conflict as much as I can. Cause of this I have been walked over a lot. I think there is a message my sister is trying to get across to me and that would be that it is ok to protect myself and fight back. In my dreams about her I do fight back but in real life dealing with her I just hid myself to stay away from her. So the fact that I fight back in my dreams with her leads me to believe that in a way she is trying to tell me that I can and I should stand up for myself. There is really nothing currently in my life that is going on that would require me to I guess stand up for myself. I think I just have these occasional violent dreams dealing with Mary as a reminder that it is ok to stand up for myself.

Next time I just hope she isn't trying to kill me throughout the dream. The next blog I write will be about some of the other dreams I have had the past few days. Some of them are just downright weird.

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