No I am not really mental but today as I was browsing through some of my blogs between 2005-2006 I said to myself "man people must think I am mental". I have to admit some of what I was reading was pretty funny but other things were like dear God is this really me. Sadly it was. I was pretty sure I was kinda like that in my livejournal too. Ok in fact I know I was. It is one of those man I wish I could just punch that person in the face moments but that person is me so really I'd be wanting to punch myself in the face.
That period of time in my life I was all sorts of fucked up. Yes I did just use the F word. I try not to use it as much as I use to in my writings. Looking back at that period of time I had just went through a divorce and I ended up having to move back to Wisconsin from Florida. I was angry, confused, depressed, etc. I really didn't know what to do with myself. Let me just be honest and say that up until some point last year I didn't really know what I was going to do myself. Yes I am confident now when I say I have a much clearer picture then I did before. No I am not perfect. I make mistakes. I do questionable stuff but at least I can see some sort of goal. I didn't have that back in 05-06. Well longer then just that but I was more focused on that period of time. The big picture here is this I know I am not the only one who goes through bad stuff. It happens to everyone. We all have to learn how to deal with our own stuff in our own way. Some of us never do. Some of us like me took no responsibility in anything that was going on. Face the truth, it is easier to put all the blame on events and other things that people have done rather then to put any of the blame on yourself. That is exactly what I did. I've said harsh things about people who cared about me or who did a lot about me. Everything had to be about me, me, me. Feel sorry for me cause I hate my life and I am wanting someone to save me. Reality is no one can save you but yourself. If you wait around forever to be saved you are just wasting your time. You realize the harsh reality of things when you finally open your eyes and see things for what they really are. I am just thankful that I opened up my eyes.
Oh and I am not dwelling either. In fact I like reading those old writings of mine cause I can see first hand how much my attitude has changed about a number of things since then. Yeah I am still the same Nick that I was just in a different way. I feel like I should apologize for some of the crap some people had to deal with over a long period of time but it is what it is. You only can move forward from here on out.
I thought about something after a dream I had last night. The dream was about someone I use to talk to a lot deciding to just randomly send me a message. I said hi but then that is where the dream ends. Got me thinking would I reconnect with certain people who have left my life. You know I am not entirely against it however there are certain things I would not revisit. Anything that would stray me off the path that I am determined to be on I would have to say no to. Given the opportunity I would like to say I am sorry for being a douche bag to at least one or two people. It is funny that when you think the world is all out against you that you in turn end up turning on people who may actually need and depend on you for things. You get so blinded by all your bullshit and sometimes your own bullshit isn't even really that bad. It is fixable but you chose to ignore other things that people are going through that are not so easily fixable cause you are just too consumed by your shit. This is why I have failed as a friend over years. No I am not saying that I am a bad person cause I know I am not a bad person but there are just some things that I as a person and as a friend could of done so differently. Then again we aren't perfect. I just know in future situations I will probably handle things better then I have.
When I blog about something I don't dwell on my thoughts. I write them down and I move on from there. Whatever happens happens. I don't hold the fate of the universe in the palm of my hands. I can not control what happens the rest of today, tomorrow, or the next day. Sometimes I wish I could. If I would reconnect with certain people then great. If I don't then I move on. There is a reason why a person from your past should remain in your past but it depends on that person. We shall see what happens.
I like that I am blogging more. Especially this week. I mean what else am I going to do when it is cold and we keep getting snow dumped on us? Writing is possibly what I need out of life right now. Whether it be ramblings in my blog or things that just make absolutely no sense to anyone it doesn't matter. Writing is writing.