I woke up this morning and decided for a change I would go outside and bring in the newspaper before anyone else had a chance. As I got outside I was greeted with an unpleasant surprise. Over a hundred feet away my neighbor was huddled over what appeared to be an old lady. It looked like he was eating her face. I was in absolute shock and I was in horror. Zombies? They aren't supposed to be real but here it was, a guy eating some poor old lady. What should I do? Call the police? Go get him off of her? Or just ignore it and lock myself in my house in hopes that he would never see me. I started to back up towards the door and that is when he lifted his head up and turned his head to look directly at me.
His face was a greyish color. It was covered with the old lady's blood. I went into panic mode and started trying to think how would I handle this zombie encounter. I've only dealt with them in video games such as Left 4 Dead. How can my Left 4 Dead training save me here? I had nothing around to grab to defend myself. Sure there is a bench on the porch but that would be too heavy to pick up. Suddenly the zombie screams out the word "FACE". He got up very slowly and started to move towards me while still saying the word "FACE". He was walking with a limp so maybe if I wanted to I would get away from him no problem. It was then in this moment of panic that the most brilliant idea ever came to me.
He seemed to be somewhat intelligent. Maybe I could talk him out of eating my face? So I said to him "hey dude maybe I can help you out. It seems like you are a hungry". As he is slowly itching closely he says the word "face" again. I said "dude seriously, my face is kinda pretty. You can't eat it. Let me help you find someone to eat. I will be your friend". He stops and he says the word "friend". I decide it might be safe to move towards him so I say "yes I will be your friend. I will help you eat someone's face". He points at me and says the word "friend" and I say "yes I will be your friend and I will help you eat someone's face". He then says the word "face" again. Apparently this plan is going to work but I need to find someone that he can eat and hopefully make it someone whom people won't miss all too well. I then remembered the Rebecca Black was going to be doing some lame concert in Milwaukee that night. No one would miss her if she was eaten by a zombie. I need to find her. I said to the guy "follow me. I will get you a face to eat". He responded by saying "face".
He followed me as we went on a search to find Rebecca Black. He was starting to get hungry or that is what it seemed like. He kept saying "face" and everytime he said it he would get more aggitated. As luck would have it we see Rebecca Black coming down the street. I turn to the zombie and I said "you see that girl over there. That is Rebecca Black. No one will care if you eat her face". He replied by saying the word "face". I said "before you go and attack her though let me start talking to her. I will get her to sing the song Friday. When you hear this part you can attack her." I began singing "It's Friday, Friday gotta get down on Friday". The zombie became very aggitated and screamed out "ARRRRRGGGGHHHH FACE".
We went up to Rebecca Black and I said "hi, I am a big fan of yours" and she replied with "hi, thanks. Um what is wrong with your friend?" He says the word "friend". I said "he is ok, just a bit under the weather". She was like "ok". I then said to her "hey I really like your song Friday, can you possibly sing the song really quick for us. Not the whole thing just the chorus part". She smiled and said "yeah sure anything for a fan". So she starts singing the words "Its Friday, Friday gotta get..." and before she can even finish the zombie screams "ARRRRRGGGGHHHH FACE". He jumps on her and starts gnawing at her face. She starts screaming in pain "help me!". All I can do is just stand there and watch. An evil smile comes across my face. Not only was I able to control this zombie but I got him to eat Rebecca Black. This could be the start of something amazing. Rebecca Black was now dead. The zombie had completely ripped her face to shreds.
When he was done he got up with blood dripping out of his mouth. I looked at him and said "good job" which he replied back with "friend get me face". He is learning more words! Good, I will totally work this to my advantage. So I decided to come up with a new plan. I said to him "alright dude new plan cause I am sure you will be hungry again". He replied by saying "face". I continued "ok so for example lets say I am talking to a chick, like the one you just killed, and I ask her a question and she tells me no it is ok to eat her. Like for example 'will you have sex with me?' when she tells me no eat her face". He says "face". I figured this was a brillant plan because it wouldn't be long until someone told me no.
So off we went to look for some chick who would tell me "no".