It is almost always the same. There is fear, anger, frustration, and sadness. Sometimes it seems as if there is a cry for help. There is a sense of grief and wondering if I could of done more to help and prevent it. I am not sure anyone really could of though. People tried to let her in but we were pushed away. Then it was too late. She was gone.
Ever since my sister Mary passed away I have had pretty much almost identical dreams just about every other night or some times every night. It is usually the same theme. Not much variety at all. In the dreams it is like I know she is dead and I am in shock to see her in the house. In some cases I am pretty pissed off. In some dreams she is moving back into the house and I am filled with such rage. The majority of them though share the same common elements. She is acting the way she was when she was alive. Angry, depressed, and pissed off at everyone in the world. It is everyone's fault but her own.
Last night's dream was no different then the others. She is pissed off and she is annoying everyone by complaining about her life. My mother and my father are finally fed up with her and it leads to a confrontation. She brings me into the conversation bitching about things that I am doing. Unlike what use to happen when she was alive I fight back. I fight back verbally. Most of the dreams I fight back verbally. Some dreams though I get rather violent. In the dream I figured it was the last straw and she would be forced to leave this house. Instead my parents decide to help her and I go into a frenzy and have to be held back from attacking her. That is where the dream ends. In some of my dreams though I do get violent and I believe in a few I have even killed her.
These dreams disturb me. At times I would rather not go to sleep at night because I'd rather not dream these same things repeatedly. This is not how I want to remember my sister. Before all of her drug problems me and her actually had what I would call a decent relationship. I miss those days. At least though I can hold onto those memories. I can't say I have completely forgotten about the bad times though. Maybe that is the reason for the dream? I think it is much deeper then that.
I think the dreams are telling me a bunch of things. Because of the nature of my sister's death I think she may be trapped here. There are always unexplained things going on in this house. I don't think she has left this house. I think on her part there is a lot of guilt and sadness for what had happened. In a way maybe she is sorry for everything. Maybe she misses us too. She is probably looking for forgiveness. I do forgive her though. I just want her to be happy and at peace. I also think she is trying to tell me that it is ok to stand up for myself. I let people walk all over me and I always will but yet in my dreams with her I stand firm and I fight back for what I believe in. Maybe there is a lesson to be learned here? Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself for whatever it is you feel.
I also think that with her urn being in the house this might be adding to some of it. I am not sure my sister would want to be sitting around on some bookcase like she is on display to people. She probably would of wanted a proper burial. Maybe this is causing some of her unrest. This is just something I sorta concluded myself. I went up to the urn today and before I put my hand on it I closed my eyes and cleared my head. As soon as I touched it I had the biggest chill go up my arm all the way down my back and I felt immediate sadness. I am not sure other people would have the same experience but I stand by my belief that it is time to give Mary the proper burial that she deserves. If it doesn't help maybe at least it will ease my mind.
Whatever is going on though with the dreams, the activity in the house, and just going by my gut feeling with this one I think it is time for Mary to move on. She needs to be at peace and try to be happy. Maybe she needs to be guided in the direction of the light. If that is the case I hope that my mother and grandma help her find her way. Go to the light Mary. Be with mom and grandma and others again.
One other thing I wanted to talk about. I have had many paranormal experiences throughout my life. I pretty much have said to people that I thought someone was kinda following me or latching onto me for whatever reason. It is just one of those feelings you get that you can not necessarily explain but you just know it is right. I thought about it today while thinking about this Mary thing and I can't be really sure if I am totally right but this may explain quite a bit. I realize people who do not believe in the paranormal or ghosts or spirits may think I am crazy and maybe I am but this is just what I am feeling right now.
Back in the day around the age of 5, and I am pretty sure I wrote about this in a previous blog or something, there was an incident with the neighbor who was an old man. He was always really nice to me. I use to pick up pine cones for him and I am pretty sure he gave me candy and whatnot. To make a long story short one day I decided to be a brat and I started throwing pine cones at him and his house. He ended up falling off the porch and later on that night he ended up passing away. I felt bad about it but I was also really young and just didn't know any better. I thought it was funny to throw stuff at old people. Anyways getting back to my original story. I thought about it today and I am not too sure about the time table of when I started experiencing weird stuff but I have concluded that it is quite possible that some of my experiences started after his death. Here is where the story takes a turn though. About 10 years ago when I was first getting into ghost hunting I was talking to some guy about joining up and whatnot and this guy didn't know me but he claimed to be a psychic. I was fishy about it but then he described to me in detail about a tornado dream I had. I had recurring dreams about tornadoes but never really talked about it. It really caught me off guard. He also said something about me having an old man who was like attached to me. I didn't think anything of it until today. I sorta put all of this together and it just clicked. If there is really an old man following me around could it possibly be this same guy? I guess in a way it would make sense. Before his death this old man took a liking to me. I helped him out a lot. Maybe he felt some responsibility to look after me after he passed away. I have nothing to go on though. I have no names, nothing. I am sure though I could possibly obtain this information. Maybe this is the missing piece of the puzzle for me? Time will tell. Sounds like a good theory at least. It may just be nothing at all. I could possibly just be hoping for something. I don't know though. There is something tugging at me telling me that this is a very good possibility.
Let me add some more into the mix though. Today is the 13th and I came to all these conclusions/opinions on the 13th. Why is that important? If anyone really knows me they know that the number 13 has popped up a lot in my life. I will give a few examples. My parents were married on Jan 13th, my street address is 1313, my mom's defibrillator went off 13 times (none of which she knew about), on Feb 10th 1992 I had a major operation and then on the same day 13 years later I got a divorce. There are more but I think everyone gets my point. I know there is coincidence but at some point it becomes more then just a coincidence.
I am curious as to what people are going to think about all of this but yet at the same time it doesn't matter all too much I suppose. People will most likely be quick to call me crazy or think I am just grasping at stuff. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions. As am I. Maybe I am not totally right about everything but there is something telling me I have a good grasp on what I am thinking. I hope I can uncover more.