8/24/2011

The Girlfriend Application

The other day a thought came to me that I should write an insane blog making it seem like I was taking applications for a female to be my girlfriend. This has to be one of the more demented, disturbing, sexist things I have ever come up with. It is meant to be funny and not meant to be taken seriously at all. If you take it seriously I may LOL at you. I'm sure a few people will get offended.

"The Girlfriend Application"
If you want to be my girlfriend you will fill this out truthfully.

Are you a good sandwich maker? (If you can't make me a damn good sandwich don't fucking waste my time by answering the rest of the questions)

Name? (If I can't pronounce it you will be shit out of luck)

Age? (Don't lie to me)

Where do you live? (Yes I am going to stalk you)

Height? (If you are under 5 feet tall I will consider you a midget and midgets have increased chance of being with me)

Boob size? (Truth be told I am a guy and I will be staring at your tits a lot. If there is nothing to stare at then it is not going to work)

Eye color? Do you have retarded looking eyes? (If you have freaky looking eyes that will scare the shit out of me don't bother filling out the rest)

Race? (I am a bit racist, it will work if you can handle that. If you are Chinese you have an increased chance only if you can make me chicken fried rice)

Is you vag shaved or hairy like Chewbacca? (If you don't know who Chewbacca is you are useless. The point of this question is I want to know if I go down on you am I going to encounter the amazon rain forest or not? Frankly getting pube hair stuck between my teeth is not my idea of a good time)

Are you mental? Emotional unstable? (Wait all females are. Nevermind this question)

Do you like to give blowjobs? Do you swallow or spit?
(If you are a spitter that is ok but if you spit the shit back at me next time I will bust a nut in your eye. Also you better like giving blowjobs, I'm not going down on you for no apparent reason)

I don't believe in the long walks on the beach shit, if I am going to take you to the beach I am going to push your ass down in the sand and laugh. Would that be a problem?

Do you like anal?

I don't believe in paying for our dates. In fact if we go out to eat I definitely am not paying as I don't want to support you being a fat ass. This is ok right?

Now say you live far away would you be willing to travel and spend say over 1000 dollars just to see me to get some cock? Would you be willing to travel more then once? (Btw this may boost my ego a lot if you pay that much just to get some sex...and I may laugh at you after our relationship doesn't work out)

Are you a cheater? (Know that if I find out that you are cheating on me not only will I slit your throat I will find the guy or guys you fucked around with and make sure that they will never be able to have sex again)

Is it ok if I have multiple sex partners?
(I have needs and you are never going to fullfill them all. Keep me happy by letting me fuck all kinds of chicks and we won't have an issue)

Do you cyber with people online? (LOL if you do cause you're fucking pathetic)

Do you like porn? (Bonus points if you do)

Would you like to star in a homemade porn?
(I am looking for some bitch who isn't afraid to get naked in front of the camera and lets me fuck her brains out while I record it)

Are you opposed to any of the following during sex? Biting, punching, spitting, being cursed at, choked, stabbed, hit in the head with random items such as shoes, thrown into the wall, etc.

Are you one of those goofy bitches who nicknames their bf's penis? (Having someone call your penis Mr.Happy is LOL)

Do you smoke? Do drugs? (I do neither so GTFO if you do)

Do you drink? (If you get drunk on occasion it will be easier for me to take advantage of you)

Do you believe in GOD? (Please don't force your fucking relgion on me. I'll believe what I want to believe and if you annoy me with it I may slit your throat)

Are you an animal lover? (Occasionally I like to punch puppies in the face. So if you have a puppy don't be mad at me when I punch him in the face)

Like sports at all? (Football scores points with me. Tennis or golf I may think you are a lesbian. Wrestling is encouraging. We can practice moves on each other)

Do you mind me getting off to porn? (If you do you could just help me get off dumbass)

Do you have kids? (I am not a fucking charity nor a bank. I don't give a fuck about your kids and I will not help you with them)

Are you one of those nasty bitches who does not know how to clean your vagina? (The fish smell is not really appealing and there are things to help you out)

Do you like to be shit on during sex or do you shit on a guy during sex?
(Nasty bitches exit stage right. If you shit on me during sex I will drag your naked ass outside and toss you in the middle of the road)

So do you think you can handle me? (More then likely not. No chick has proved to me that she can handle me. Women are useless until proven otherwise)

8 comments:

  1. this has to be the most... GENIUS thing ive ever read. LIKE. (I would fill this out, though it is akward, so probably not.)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks. I was trying to play the role of a typical sexist male with the questions. Think I nailed it pretty good.

    As far as people filling it out, lol, I didn't really expect anyone to. Although one of my friends did. That was rather amusing.

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  3. you typed it real nice-like. it would be pretty awesome to see someone fill it out.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Yeah. It would be interesting to see what type of responses I could of gotten with this one. No hate mail so far though.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Are you a good sandwich maker? (If you can't make me a damn good sandwich don't fucking waste my time by answering the rest of the questions)I make all kinds of lovely sandwiches!

    Name? (If I can't pronounce it you will be shit out of luck) Awesome. That's not my name, but that's what you'll fucking call me.

    Age? (Don't lie to me) 24

    Where do you live? (Yes I am going to stalk you) Ohio! Get on google maps and try to find me! It's like playing where's Waldo!

    Height? (If you are under 5 feet tall I will consider you a midget and midgets have increased chance of being with me) 5'4.

    Boob size? (Truth be told I am a guy and I will be staring at your tits a lot. If there is nothing to stare at then it is not going to work) Ginormous!

    Eye color? Do you have retarded looking eyes? (If you have freaky looking eyes that will scare the shit out of me don't bother filling out the rest) Rainbow bitch. I'm like an anime character.

    Race? (I am a bit racist, it will work if you can handle that. If you are Chinese you have an increased chance only if you can make me chicken fried rice) Porch monkey looking for love.

    Is you vag shaved or hairy like Chewbacca? (If you don't know who Chewbacca is you are useless. The point of this question is I want to know if I go down on you am I going to encounter the amazon rain forest or not? Frankly getting pube hair stuck between my teeth is not my idea of a good time) I'm smoother than a 5 year old.

    Are you mental? Emotional unstable? (Wait all females are. Nevermind this question) I'm not crazy. If you ever call me crazy I will drug you, cut off your dick, shove it down your throat, and giggle as you slowly suffocate you judgmental mother fucker.

    Do you like to give blowjobs? Do you swallow or spit? (If you are a spitter that is ok but if you spit the shit back at me next time I will bust a nut in your eye. Also you better like giving blowjobs, I'm not going down on you for no apparent reason) Oh oh oh I'm a spitter. Hopefully the shit that I spit out isn't green though. (woo ha for l4d2 references.)

    I don't believe in the long walks on the beach shit, if I am going to take you to the beach I am going to push your ass down in the sand and laugh. Would that be a problem? As long as you don't whine and cry like a little emo bitch when I get sand in my vagina and withhold sex due to a very painful vaginal infection.

    Do you like anal? Anal? As in analytics? Nerds are hot.

    I don't believe in paying for our dates. In fact if we go out to eat I definitely am not paying as I don't want to support you being a fat ass. This is ok right? Well fuck you then homes. I will make myself a sandwich and watch your cheap ass starve.

    Now say you live far away would you be willing to travel and spend say over 1000 dollars just to see me to get some cock? Would you be willing to travel more then once? (Btw this may boost my ego a lot if you pay that much just to get some sex...and I may laugh at you after our relationship doesn't work out) BAM. Nuff said.

    Are you a cheater? (Know that if I find out that you are cheating on me not only will I slit your throat I will find the guy or guys you fucked around with and make sure that they will never be able to have sex again) Cheating is bad mmmkay.

    Is it ok if I have multiple sex partners? (I have needs and you are never going to fullfill them all. Keep me happy by letting me fuck all kinds of chicks and we won't have an issue) That depends. Is your dad fair game?

    ReplyDelete
  6. continued...



    Do you cyber with people online? (LOL if you do cause you're fucking pathetic) Shut up and put your light saber deep inside of me you nasty boy.

    Do you like porn? (Bonus points if you do) I don't like to bring my work home.

    Would you like to star in a homemade porn? (I am looking for some bitch who isn't afraid to get naked in front of the camera and lets me fuck her brains out while I record it) I said I don't fucking like to bring my work home!

    Are you opposed to any of the following during sex? Biting, punching, spitting, being cursed at, choked, stabbed, hit in the head with random items such as shoes, thrown into the wall, etc. Please don't stab me. I'm anemic.

    Are you one of those goofy bitches who nicknames their bf's penis? (Having someone call your penis Mr.Happy is LOL) Professor Bumpkins. He schooled me so professor only seems appropriate.

    Do you smoke? Do drugs? (I do neither so GTFO if you do) Prozac count?

    Do you drink? (If you get drunk on occasion it will be easier for me to take advantage of you) I drink liquid.

    Do you believe in GOD? (Please don't force your fucking relgion on me. I'll believe what I want to believe and if you annoy me with it I may slit your throat) Slitting throats is a sin. Jesus doesn't approve.

    Are you an animal lover? (Occasionally I like to punch puppies in the face. So if you have a puppy don't be mad at me when I punch him in the face) Cow tipping is a hobby of mine! :D:D

    Like sports at all? (Football scores points with me. Tennis or golf I may think you are a lesbian. Wrestling is encouraging. We can practice moves on each other) Does sex and eating count as a sport? If so I'm on board with that.

    Do you mind me getting off to porn? (If you do you could just help me get off dumbass) I'll get off watching you get off to someone else getting off purely, because I like the whole chain effect going on.

    Do you have kids? (I am not a fucking charity nor a bank. I don't give a fuck about your kids and I will not help you with them) Fail.

    Are you one of those nasty bitches who does not know how to clean your vagina? (The fish smell is not really appealing and there are things to help you out) My vagina smells like a spring morning in April when the flowers have just begun to blood and there are birds singing in the valleys.

    Do you like to be shit on during sex or do you shit on a guy during sex? (Nasty bitches exit stage right. If you shit on me during sex I will drag your naked ass outside and toss you in the middle of the road) Poopy goes in the potty. That's what my mommy taught me.

    So do you think you can handle me? (More then likely not. No chick has proved to me that she can handle me. Women are useless until proven otherwise) We are fucking peanut butter and jelly Nicholas. Perfect isn't ever the word k. :):)

    ReplyDelete
  7. Are you a good sandwich maker? (If you can't make me a damn good sandwich don't fucking waste my time by answering the rest of the questions) - i can make some pretty fucking awesome sammiches

    Name? (If I can't pronounce it you will be shit out of luck) - everyone calls me bitch chocolate.

    Age? (Don't lie to me) - im 21

    Where do you live? (Yes I am going to stalk you)
    I live in Illinois. bring it on.

    Height? (If you are under 5 feet tall I will consider you a midget and midgets have increased chance of being with me)
    im 5'3

    Boob size? (Truth be told I am a guy and I will be staring at your tits a lot. If there is nothing to stare at then it is not going to work)
    they are perfect size a. fucking deal with it

    Eye color? Do you have retarded looking eyes? (If you have freaky looking eyes that will scare the shit out of me don't bother filling out the rest)
    well, one is green, the other hazel. pretty fucking rad if you ask me

    Race? (I am a bit racist, it will work if you can handle that. If you are Chinese you have an increased chance only if you can make me chicken fried rice)
    i am white.

    Is you vag shaved or hairy like Chewbacca? (If you don't know who Chewbacca is you are useless. The point of this question is I want to know if I go down on you am I going to encounter the amazon rain forest or not? Frankly getting pube hair stuck between my teeth is not my idea of a good time)
    my poon looks like lassie.

    Are you mental? Emotional unstable? (Wait all females are. Nevermind this question)
    no. i am not. i tend to have my mind blank 24/7 in case something important arrises

    Do you like to give blowjobs? Do you swallow or spit? (If you are a spitter that is ok but if you spit the shit back at me next time I will bust a nut in your eye. Also you better like giving blowjobs, I'm not going down on you for no apparent reason)
    i will spit on your new carpet.

    I don't believe in the long walks on the beach shit, if I am going to take you to the beach I am going to push your ass down in the sand and laugh. Would that be a problem?
    no. no i dont.

    Do you like anal? Anal, of course.

    I don't believe in paying for our dates. In fact if we go out to eat I definitely am not paying as I don't want to support you being a fat ass. This is ok right?
    ill cut you if you dont.

    Now say you live far away would you be willing to travel and spend say over 1000 dollars just to see me to get some cock? Would you be willing to travel more then once? (Btw this may boost my ego a lot if you pay that much just to get some sex...and I may laugh at you after our relationship doesn't work out)
    fuck yeah. you wont be laughin, if i cant have you, no one will

    Are you a cheater? (Know that if I find out that you are cheating on me not only will I slit your throat I will find the guy or guys you fucked around with and make sure that they will never be able to have sex again)

    I have never cheated.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Is it ok if I have multiple sex partners? (I have needs and you are never going to fullfill them all. Keep me happy by letting me fuck all kinds of chicks and we won't have an issue)

    ohh yes i can. like i said if i cant have you no one will, if i find you cheatin i will chop you up and feed you to my dogs.

    Do you cyber with people online? (LOL if you do cause you're fucking pathetic)
    No. im not desprate.

    Do you like porn? (Bonus points if you do)
    porn is amazing.

    Would you like to star in a homemade porn? (I am looking for some bitch who isn't afraid to get naked in front of the camera and lets me fuck her brains out while I record it)
    i dont think so.

    Are you opposed to any of the following during sex? Biting, punching, spitting, being cursed at, choked, stabbed, hit in the head with random items such as shoes, thrown into the wall, etc.
    if thats what you like, ill be more than happy to give it to ya.

    Are you one of those goofy bitches who nicknames their bf's penis? (Having someone call your penis Mr.Happy is LOL)
    yes. mr. wiggles

    Do you smoke? Do drugs? (I do neither so GTFO if you do) no and no.

    Do you drink? (If you get drunk on occasion it will be easier for me to take advantage of you)
    yes, yes i do.

    Do you believe in GOD? (Please don't force your fucking relgion on me. I'll believe what I want to believe and if you annoy me with it I may slit your throat)
    He be my nigga

    Are you an animal lover? (Occasionally I like to punch puppies in the face. So if you have a puppy don't be mad at me when I punch him in the face)
    punch my dogs in the face ill punch you in the face.

    Like sports at all? (Football scores points with me. Tennis or golf I may think you are a lesbian. Wrestling is encouraging. We can practice moves on each other)
    football

    Do you mind me getting off to porn? (If you do you could just help me get off dumbass)
    no. no...... no.

    Do you have kids? (I am not a fucking charity nor a bank. I don't give a fuck about your kids and I will not help you with them)
    mmm i do. im a milf.

    Are you one of those nasty bitches who does not know how to clean your vagina? (The fish smell is not really appealing and there are things to help you out)
    i have to keep it clean. i like silfs. (s stands for sandwich)

    Do you like to be shit on during sex or do you shit on a guy during sex? (Nasty bitches exit stage right. If you shit on me during sex I will drag your naked ass outside and toss you in the middle of the road)
    no. but i would like to call you uncle nick. is that okay uncle nick?

    So do you think you can handle me? (More then likely not. No chick has proved to me that she can handle me. Women are useless until proven otherwise)
    Oh fuck yes. i beleive we could work something out.

    ReplyDelete