Half the man I use to be

(I wrote this blog back in July of 08. It is posted on my myspace blog but yet I felt that this is probably the best one I've ever written. Very personal but very good and I wanted to put it into my now new blog)

what im about to write about is probably the most difficult thing im going to come out with and talk about. not many people do know this about me and the people who do know this understand what this has done to me and why i have a hard time trusting people. sure i can list a number of reasons why i have trust issues but this blog/situation in general further explains a few things. what im about to write is rather personal, rather embarrassing but also at the same time it gives me a sense of relief that i can finally sit here and decide to tell people more about me. who the real nick is. in turn hopefully this will give me a bit of closure on one of the worst situations ive encountered in my life. the title of the blog is "half the man i used to be" well for an obvious reason which as you read you will figure out why. i would think that people would be mature enough to respect my wishes of not going around spreading all kinds of crap about me. i also don't want pity from anyone. people can comment and say wow nick im so sorry but yeah i think you all know what im getting at. no need to really explain further. so here we go.

lets take a trip back to 1992. january of that year. i was 12 years old at the time and in 7th grade. i wasnt really a popular kid in school but i had my group of friends so i was pretty content with that. i used to wear those big coke bottle glasses. god those things are just hidious and annoying as hell. anyways my brother bobby and his wife leanne just had their 1st kid, my niece ashley. on the 25th of january we went to visit them at their house. got to see my niece for the 1st time. that afternoon i noticed something was not right with me at all. i was feeling sick to my stomach and having weird stomach pains. i never did actually get sick though. that night everyone wanted to go out to eat. our normal place called westy's. it was an all you can eat pizza place that also had chicken, fish, shrimp, etc. i miss that place. anyways i couldn't really eat much due to me feeling sick but this is when i noticed a change. my stomach pain had subsided but now i was having a weird uncomfortable pain in my groan. more specifically the area around my right testicle. can't really describe it, its just kinda a discomfort.

the following day the pain was still there and as the day progressed it got more and more uncomfortable. i didnt really notice any swelling or anything but it eventually got so bad i was having trouble walking around the house and up and down stairs. that monday, ok so people dont get confused by my timeline of events the 25th was on a saturday, i decided there was no way i could go to school. the pain didnt really get worse. it stayed about the same. i was having a difficult time walking still. i was hoping that whatever this was would just pass on by without any incident. little did i know what would await me.

i went to school on that tuesday, which would be the last time i went to school for a couple of weeks by the way, and i regretted that decision totally. i could barely walk up and down stairs. it was also very uncomfortable to sit down. this is when i started to realize that something was just not right with this whole situation. of course i was still clueless but my original thought was maybe i had some kind of hernia or something. either way i spent the school day in alot of pain. i didnt say much to what friends i had. at the end of the day i went and said to my teacher it is possible i may not be back for a bit. i said to her i think i have a hernia or something. something is just not right at all. when i got home that day things went from bad to worse. i may get pretty descriptive in what im saying about all of this, i figure i warn you all now before i continue any further. anyways i decided to go into the bathroom and see if i can possibly get a closer look at my area down there. what i saw next though would leave me shocked and left me very scared. pretty much my entire scrotum was swollen red. i wouldnt say it was bumpy but it was severely swollen. swollen so badly that it was pretty much covering up all of my penis. i freaked out and got very upset and i told my mom that i needed to go in to see a doctor now.

2 days pass and i finally get to go see my doctor. the swelling was not as bad as it was but it was still painful to walk or do anything for that matter. of course going to see a doctor and with it having to deal with that general area and im 12 years old it was a bit embarrassing for me. im sure people can probably relate to why this was embarrassing. anyways, he examined me. he just asked what my symptoms were and i pretty much told him its hard to walk, the other day it was severely swollen and that this whole thing started off with me feeling like i was sick. so he sat me down and said he was going to give me some cream to use and that i should soak in hot baths a few times a day. he said to come back on the following tuesday to see where things stand. early indictations said it could be some sort of an infection, it could be a strangulated testicle, it could also be cancer. cancer? cancer at the age of 12. oh no please god dont do this to me at such a young age.

the next few days i did what he suggested. soak myself in a hot bath and use the creme he had given me. i noticed by the following monday which would be the 3rd of february that my swelling was not bad at all and i felt as if i could walk easier. i begin to get a bit hopeful that maybe this situation was coming to an end. something still was not right though. my right testicle felt like it was hard as a rock. when i would self examine myself i noticed that it was very like hard and not how it normally should be. regardless i tried to pass it off and think i was ok. i went to the doctor on that tuesday and told him i feel fine. i havent noticed the swelling. i can walk again. however my right testicle is unusually hard. he told me that concerned him a bit so he was going to send me to a specialist for this stuff. a urinologist. im thinking to myself great...more people to look at my stuff.

if you have never been to a urinologist let me try to describe how incredibly uncomfortable it is within the first 10 seconds of meeting the guy. he walks into the room and first thing out of his mouth is hi, pull down your pants. talk about an awkward moment for someone who is 12 years old. it was rather just uncomfortable but well if he had some answers for me i had to do what i had to do. anyways after poking around and feeling around he decided that in order to know more i had to go to get an ultrasound down. oh joy a test i know nothing about. he then proceeded to tell me the same thing that i had been told already but i think his concern was that it was cancer. but either way i still had no answers to what was going on.

the ultrasound. i had no idea what to really expect. i didnt really know what an ultrasound was. from what i heard it sounded painful but anything at this point to me probably sounded a bit painful. anyways i get there and i get preped up to go get my ultrasound done. of course i had a female doctor taking care of me. oh great i thought. an actual female now is going to see my stuff. of course my thoughts were what if i cant control if i get a boner or something? how embarrassing would that be? i tried to just relax and go with the flow and hope nothing embarrassing happens. in order for them to take a look she had to take apply gel to my scrotum and rub it all around. ok so i probably can guess what some people are thinking at this point but trust me when i say not much of this was pleasureable for me. so she did the ultrasound and was taking various pictures when next thing i know there are another 7 people in the room with me. oh my god. why are all these people in here and looking at my stuff? if i wasnt feeling embarrassed already i sure as hell was now. anyways after all of that was done one thing was made clear to me...i did not have cancer. which was a huge sigh of relief. i was told to come back to the doctor's (the urinologist) office tomorrow, which would be friday february 7th.

so here is the day where i finally or i should say hopefully figure out whats going on with me. one thing is clear is that it isnt cancer so i was pretty excited and sure that it was nothing major. so i get to the doctors office and im sure im fine nothing is wrong. i was pretty much in shock at what was said next. i can go back to this moment in my life and it will forever be replayed in slow motion cause thats just how it played out at that moment in time. the doctor says to me "you have a strangulated testicle, on monday you will have surgery to determine if we can save it or if it is lost for good". i dont recall if thats what his exact words were but i think its pretty close.i kinda sat there thinking what the hell just happened. strangulated testicle? what in the hell does that mean? the doctor then explained what a strangulated testicle is. the testicles dont just sit around and do nothing, they actually move and rotate around. on a rare occasion the testicle may try to reverse its direction. when this happens it cuts off blood flow to the testicle and the testicle has a chance of dying if not treated immediately. it causes severe pain and vomitting in the person experiencing this. this is how i know i have a high threshold for pain. i never vomitted, i had an upset stomach yes but because of my high tolerance for pain i did not feel the full effects like a normal person would. my thoughts turned to alot of things now. what if my testicle is dead? if it is removed can i still have kids? is this surgery going to hurt? so many questions now but not many answers.

as the rest of the day went by i had nothing on my mind but the operation. i had one operation before and that was my appendix 4 years ago. this was so much different though. an operation on my private area. i thought of how embarrassing it may be to walk around and only have one testicle. granted god probably gave men 2 testicles in case something happened to the other one so we can still have kids still it didnt help ease that to some i could be considered like a "freak" or something. that same night we went to church bingo like me and my mother normally did. it was our thing to do together. at bingo i saw my best friend at the time jeff and his family. the last time i saw jeff was the last time i was at school which was a week and a half ago. so i told him what was going on with me. i said i was going to have surgery done on monday. my testicle might be dead and if it is they have to remove it. i really dont remember what he had said about it. i did however tell him to please not tell anyone about what was going on.

the next 2 days were spent with me having the same thoughts about what was going to happen and how all of this would play out. i went for pre operation blood work on that saturday. nothing major just sticking a needle in me to take blood. after all i've been through so far a needle was nothing. then on sunday my entire family came over for homemade pizza night. kinda seemed weird to be totally honest. lets have a get together cause nick is going to have surgery tomorrow. oh yay...celebration! im exaggerating a bit. generally people were concerned and it was more of a support thing for me. its not every day a 12 year old boy is about to possibly have one of his testicles chopped off. it was nice having people around for support and wishing me good luck. sometimes i wish things in my family didnt change so much.

the day of the surgery. got a phone call early in the morning saying i could come in at anytime to the hospital. the surgery was scheduled for 11am but apparently we could get it done sooner. oh gee im so excited i can get cut open earlier, let me just rush to get myself ready to go to be cut open! i still remember this day pretty clearly too. funny how 17 years pass and you still remember the little things about specific days. it was a cold cloudy monday feb 10th. flurries in the air and some snow on the ground. ironically 13 years later this same day would be the same day i get a divorce from jen but that story is for another time. anyways i was not in a rush to get ready to go to the hospital. i took my time getting ready that day and i was really nervous and scared to death.

we get to the hospital about 9 that morning. i go to the outpatient/same day surgery place. i was sorta surprised when they told me that i would be able to go home in a few hours after the operation. i had figured that i would be in a great deal of pain and going home so soon after surgery i just didn't think was possible. so the doctor came in to see me and kinda said what they would be doing. it was an exploratory operation to see what damage was done to the testicle and if there was anything they can do to reverse it or save it. i had my doubts of course seeing as how it had been 2 weeks since all of this started. this is kinda where my memory is a bit of a blur. i remember getting carted to the prep room. a guy was in there talking to me and he is telling me you are going to feel a bit of stinging pain but it will pass quickly. im sitting there and then he says did you even feel that? i said feel what. he had just stuck a needle in me and i really did not feel anything at all. i do remember them putting a mask on me obviously to put me asleep for the operation. i remember a variety of people talking to me telling me their role in the operation. i thought to myself god just how many people are going to see my stuff today. everything then went black.

i wake up to what seems like it is only minutes later in the recovery room. the truth is that it is like an hour and a half later. i have a breathing mask on me to help me breathe. sometimes after an operation you have a breathing mask on you to make sure you can breathe properly. i had read somewhere that after an operation it is important to keep taking deep breathes. i don't really recall what pain if any pain i had felt at that moment. of course i was still drugged up and whatnot from the surgery. i just remember a nurse constantly telling me that i am doing good and to keep it up. eventually after awhile they roll me out of recovery into a room in the outpatient unit.

so i get into the room and im laying there. i notice the time is now 12. i dont recall if i am feeling any pain at the moment. my parents come into the room. its good to see familar faces. i don't remember the conversation saddly. they turned on the tv for me. then my doctor came in and asked how i was doing, then he explained to me what happened and what they had found. by the time they had gotten in there for the surgery it was too late. the testicle was already dead. so they removed the testicle. then to make sure that this never happens to my left testicle they put a small stitch in it to keep it in place. the stitches surrounding the area that was cut open were disolveable ones. they will go away in time after taking baths/showers. they had hooked up a drainage tube towards the bottom of my scrotum to get rid of any fluid buildup leftover by my testicle. my entire area was bandaged up and the dressing had to be changed at least once a day to avoid infections. the drainage tube would be removed in 2 days and if all goes well i should be cleared to go back to school the following day. we told me to stay off my feet and just rest as much as i can for the next few days so i can heal and allow for all of the fluid to drain. like i was really intending on running a marathon or something anyways? he also said to me that despite me losing one testicle i would still be able to have kids and added in the fact that when i got older if i wanted i could get an artifical testicle to fill in the place of the one i had lost. that to this day is something i have never really fully even considered. i didnt really have any questions for him. i think he told me just all i needed to know.

few hours later i was ready to go home. this is when things started to hit me a bit more. before i left the hospital i walked to the bathroom and i got to see a bit of what damage was done. ok not entirely. i was all bandaged up so i didnt see much of anything. i got home and this is when i started to feel the effects of what this surgery did to me. i can't remember specific details but i do remember having trouble trying to walk. i could feel the drainage tube draining too. it was like a constant pressure/flow right by my scrotum. yeah i know it sounds a bit gross but thats how it was. nothing about this was fun and pretty. i also remember that at some point i had learned before my operation they had stuck a needle into my scrotum to numb it for the operation. all i can say is thank you god i was not awake for that. i laid there or sat there with this constant flowing due to the drainage tube. it was pretty uncomfortable. i cant really think of how to even describe it. then later on that night came the horrifying moment of having to have my bandage changed. first off im 12 and i don't like people seeing my stuff. i think anyone can relate. secondly it was my father who had to change the dressing. uncomfortable to say the least. this is when i got my first look at what everything looked like. i started to cry. i came to realize things will be a bit different. i dont remember how everything looked but i do know it wasnt the prettiest thing i have seen.

up to wednesday which was 2 days after my surgery things were just crappy. i had trouble walking. i was in pain and discomfort from the constant drainage. i of course didn't feel like eatting or well doing much of anything at this point in time. who would? after going through all of that, who would want to do anything? but i felt a bit reliefed in a way because i knew this ordeal had an end in sight and considering all of the other things it could of been it was something that was manageable. yes a lost, but a manageable lost. when a person knows that they are restricted with doing things they tend to have this instinct that tells them how to avoid having to do certain things for periods of time since it will be difficult for them. for example when i had my hands cut open and had to get stitches while i was working at krispy kreme i mentally trained myself not to go to the bathroom cause saddly my hands were in a position where that would of been virtually impossible. i kinda had to do this too given the situation i was in. of course before i went to see the doctor on that day i could not longer control it. now people may find this next part gross but what ive been trying to do is get people to understand all my thoughts, emotions, actions, everything during this whole ordeal so im being descriptive. anyways without getting into a whole lot of detail trying to wipe yourself while you have a drainage tube connected to you is not very fun at all. it was rather uncomfortable. rather upsetting too. the fact that i kept hitting the damn thing when i was trying to wipe did not help. as funny as it may seem to some it really wasnt.

back to the doctor's office yet again. this was becoming like a second home to me in recent weeks. quite annoying and im sure i could think of many other places i would love to call a second home. i get in there and he has a look around and then says you are going to fill a little discomfort but it will only be for a moment. at this point i think i've been through enough that i was thinking please just do what you need to do to get it over with quickly, dont try to prepare me for things just do it. he removed the drainage tube from me. i don't remember what that felt like at all. obviously not much of anything cause i'm sure i would of recalled. he said everything looks like it is healing nicely and i would be able to go back to school. i thought oh yay something other then being at home all the time. he said for the next few days i should put some bandages underneath my scrotum because there would still be some drainage. he sent me on my way and reminded me that when i got older we could discuss getting an artifical testicle.

back to school. thursday feb 13. number 13 again. i can not seem to get away from that number for some apparent reason. if i listed all the times that number has come into my life i could have like a 500 page book by the time im done. i was happy to go back. have a bit of normal back in my life. see some friends. be a teenager. i got into my classroom and i got no greeting or welcome back or anything at all from anybody. not even my teacher and my best friend jeff, the only two people who had known what was going on. i felt extremely disappointed. i had expected a little bit of something. sure im not really popular but i had been gone for 2 weeks and i went through quite an ordeal and i guess i expected more. the morning goes on without much being said to me but im just happy to be back in school and not at home going through all of this stuff. then something happens. im sitting there in our classroom and our teacher goes away for a little bit, one of the guys in the class named kevin turns to me and says so nick how is your sac? caught me off guard totally. i wasnt expecting that at all. i kinda looked at him and before i could really say anything kevin says to me yeah nick we know all about it. i could feel people's eyes staring at me for this conversation. so i confirmed it. i told people briefly about it. some of the other people in class spoke up to me and were kinda like wow that sucks im sorry im glad you are feeling better...etc..etc. sorta surprised me that people knew and were actually being somewhat supportive. to this day how the story came out is still unclear. there are two possible things in which i have heard. one being that jeff in a conversation with one of my other teachers was heard by one kid named jacob and he went and told everyone about my situation. the other one, and one that many people told me was the way everyone found out, was in class the teacher knowing jeff was my best friend asked him what was wrong with me and he blurted it out for everyone to hear. regardless of which one actually happened it doesnt matter. people already knew about something that i really didnt want to share with the world.

over the course of 7th and 8th grade it was never made into a joke to make fun of me about anything. in fact in my own sick and twisted way of dealing with things i was the one who poked fun at myself. i guess thats how i have always been taught to deal with uncomfortable things...joke your way out of it. not always the best solution for every problem but hey if you can make people laugh in the process it makes them feel a bit less uncomfortable about the situation at hand. a few nicknames were developed for me. the main one was twisted. i think i started that. since my testicle was removed cause it got twisted and an in earlier operation i had some shield for my bowels removed cause it got all twisted up i figured twisted was a good nickname. then came the nickname num nuts. you hear that and you gotta laugh. its just a common phrase people use now a days anyways. you hear it in movies and whatnot. i also started to call myself neutered. which of course at the time i thought was funny. obviously other people did too. then came the infamous one nut nick. i call this infamous because of what im going to be talking about in the next few paragraphs.

in my 7th grade yearbook just about everyone that signed it had to include something about me missing a testicle. my joking about it turned it into a freak show. guys wrote if i had 3 i would give you 1. sucks you lost your nut at least i still have 2. maybe you can grow your nut back. it was hurtful but at the same time i guess i had to expect it. i turned what was something major into a joke to try to deal with it. if i thought that stuff was hurtful then i truly wasnt prepared for some of the events that happened later. i eventually learned that while i was gone having my surgery and being in a massive amount of pain that various people from my class where making fun of me on a daily basis. walking around saying oh my god i cant come to school cause i have a hernia and all kinds of crap like that. this is what i love about people. make fun of people cause of what they are going through but if they were the ones in pain what would they do? answer is obvious.

by the time i got into high school the joking had calmed down and it just seemed to be one of those distant memory type things. i knew if people in high school found out about it, things could be so much worse. i know how cruel kids are and how they can constantly take something and pound into you and beat the life out of you and make you feel like you are so worthless and useless that you shouldn't even be around. 9th grade was fine for the most part well besides 2 seperate incidents. one in which involved my best friend jeff. we were in the lunchroom fighting about something. well i was playing around like i always do and i think he took me way too seriously and in front of a bunch of people he says well what if i tell everyone you only have one nut, how would u like that? i looked at him and thought to myself you son of a bitch. why would you even bring that up in a silly petty fight like that? no one really said anything. most of the people there knew already. one of the guys didnt and he is like you only have one nut. he is like that sucks dude im glad i have two. jeff says yeah im so glad i have two nuts myself. i just didnt say anything at all. another one involved the kid jacob. his girlfriend at the time had dumped him for another girl so he was bent out of shape about it. people were making fun of him cause he apparently made his girlfriend turn lesbian. so i said something jokingly of course and he says to me do you want people to know you have one nut, if not id shut up. when people have nothing on you they will use the one thing that they know can hurt the most.

10th grade ended up being one of the roughest years in my life. i went through alot of changes this year finding out who i was. my mom was also very sick. she had a heart transplant the beginning of 94 and then was diagnosed with cancer. i slipped into what i would call the darkside. i did stupid things to make friends. i went through a phase with "hearing voices" and thinking i would be better off to kill myself. it wasnt until the end of the school year i kinda realized what i was doing and stopped myself. it was indeed a dark time for me. alot of people do know this but what im about to say is what alot of people do not know. people who knew about what had happened to me starting talking. then the people they told started telling their friends and then so on and so forth. i dont remember the first incident but it was i think on the city bus coming home from school and some guy said to me is it true you only have one nut. i guess i kinda thought i could play it off like i did in the past and make jokes about it but it backfired this time. when i confirmed it. he was like aw man that sucks man im sorry. at least i have 2 nuts. then i hear other people talking about one nut nick and how he lost his ball because he was masturbating too much. it wasnt just one incident of course. it was a repeated thing. it made me dread going out into public. the more people that knew the more people that would talk about it and i would be classified as the freak known as one nut nick. there were other incidents with other people talking about how i lost a ball cause i masturbated too much and how it sucks to be me. i really can't remember everything that was ever said. i can remember the laughter and being made to feel like crap because i unlike most guys did not have a 2nd testicle. there was an incident involving another good friend of mine collin. i was walking with him on his paper route and a group of kids came up to me, kids i had known from grade school and they started talking crap. calling me one nut nick and mentioning the thing about me masturbating too much again. just going on and on about it. someone is like if i had 3 well i still wouldnt give you one. to top it off amongst all the laughter my friend collin was laughing with them. i stood there listening to the laughter and the jokes and thought to myself god i wish i was dead. why do i have to go through this shit? even one of my better friends is laughing at me? sitting here thinking back to this even now makes me cry. i do have to give collin a bit of credit though. these bastards who were going around laughing and joking at me told another friend of mine at the time that didnt know. he went to collin and asked if it was true and collin told him no it wasnt. too bad the damage had already been done.

things did however calm down and i managed to get through high school without any further incidents, unless i have just totally blocked them out and can't remember them. seeing as how i have remembered so much about this already i dont think thats possible. it wasnt until i had met jen online that it made me think about the whole nick has one testicle thing. i put it off for a few months and then did something that was very hard for me. telling someone i loved that i only had one testicle and if we were to ever get married and want to have kids it may take a bit longer then normal. see i dont know if that is necessarily true though. its something that i assume may be a bit more difficult. something i will have to read into. her initial reaction was being mad at me. mad because i didn't feel like i could trust her sooner with it. can anyone blame me really for hesitating with something so major and had so much effect on me?

over the years it has gotten easier to tell people about it. as people age they can be mature about private matters and understand things a little bit better. of course though there are always the few bad apples in the bunch. someone who i had grown close to when i was with jen, her name was brandy. i had told her about it in conversations i had with her. that situation was a bit complicated. anyways after our friendship died and we developed a hate towards each other she put on her website about how her and another friend of mine, or someone i thought was a friend, would have phone conversations about one nut nick. more recently like 3 years ago i had told my friend sara about everything that had happened. she was close with my best friend andrew. one day in our apartment andrew suddenly says to me nick why didnt you tell me you only have one ball. im like what the hell who told you. he said sara had mentioned it. im like so in the middle of a conversation with her she says oh by the way did you know nick has only one nut? that really upset me. yet again another friend talking about something so personal about me to another person. i sat down with andrew and told him the story.

why did i decide to write this novel, well almost seems like one at this point? i wrote it because i have alot of issues in my life. i have alot of trust issues not just stemming from this but from other things in my life like my ex wife, my divorce, various other people throughout the years, etc. people are naturally vengeful. people like to talk. people like to spread things about other people. its a way of life. however there are good people out there. there are some who can be trusted. some who can understand and will take something like this and say wow nick you went through alot of shit but its ok cause it made you a better person. i am a better person. i am even a better and stronger person by sitting down and writing all this. i dont want people to feel sorry for me. i dont want people to make fun of me either but this is my way of trying to trust again. cause honestly i dont trust many people. in turn though that has made me doubt the sincerity of most people though and i dont want to do that. people need to know who nick is. people dont necessarily need to understand who i am but maybe get a general understanding of why i do things the way i do it. i hope this has helped people understand me a bit better. it has made myself understand things alot better. we hold onto pain and suffering and we let it consume and eat away at us. this has been my way of saying ok yeah ive been dealt a few rough hands in life but im going to toss it aside and finally after so long start to heal. by telling everyone something so personal and embarrasing to me i think i have accomplished just that.

1 comment:

  1. Dude, it's alright, now all those teens are junkies yay! And Uh they don't seem like people worth really spending time to think on.. Actual friends give you brownies ^_^
    Dude. I had a huge chest as a teen, i was called Boobs mcgee..thats until I groin punched a guy named Lorenz sally. Fucker shut his mouth after that, and the name Dollz formed. sweeeT!