"i may cry a bit. i may be depressed a bit. i may hate my life a bit. i will most likely bend a bit but i'm not going to completely break cause that person is someone i do not like."
ah the holidays are upon us. fun time of the year. also the time of the year where i break down. i really hate it. its like i get to this time of year and im still haunted and psyched out by what has transpired in the past. so i go through depression and anxiety. i think this year its alot more anxiety then anything. i dont really know why. all i know is i havent been able to sleep well lately. well last night was an exception, i slept about 8 hours if not more. i told myself...repeatly of course that my focus should be taking everything that has went on and just casting it aside and leaving it in the past. that is always a much easier thing to say then to actuall do.
yesterday was just a very rough day. i really just did not feel like myself. maybe a lack of sleep had something to do with it. i was having an emotional day though. i went out for a walk, which i think the walk saved me yesterday. i was walking and i started to tear up and get all upset. i said to myself this is not how you want to be nick. you are a much stronger person then this. you do have alot to look forward to and in some aspects you have done really well and are getting better. i told myself it was ok to bend a little bit as long as i dont allow myself to completely break. after that i felt ok. i really dont want to be that nick. that nick is not very fun and i really really dislike him. so i vow to myself to keep fighting.
my dreams have been messed up. having dreams about mary frequently. in the past few days that havent been too pleasant. she is very much alive in my dreams and being totally horrible to everyone in this house. bitching and complaining about things. getting overly emotional cause im eatting the ham lunch meat in the house and im retarded cause i dont know how to close packages. last night's dream i really felt in the dream that she was going to attack me or something. then sunday night while i was having these dreams about my sister my dream turned really weird. me and my father were in the living room. due to rain or something there was massive flooding going on. the water was as high as the window and getting higher. i was on the couch when i felt that it was getting wet. so i then notice that the pressure of the water was causing the window to buckle. then the lights in the house did this crazy flicker thing. it was enough to wake me out of my sleep and then naturally i couldnt get back to sleep.
not much else is really going on. thanksgiving is in 2 days. should be good to see family and of course all the good food. woot. the packers play on thanksgiving also. somehow in there im going to have to fit in going out for my usual walk.
thanksgiving to me always meant being thankful for what you have in life. i think people underestimate what they really do have. granted some people really do have it very rough and that is sad. i am thankful that i have good friends, i have a descent family, i have talents (even if i dont use them to their full potential...someday maybe!), im almost thankful that despite everything that has gone on and whatnot that i still generally am happy and i have a chance to put things right, im thankful to be alive. happy thanksgiving everyone.