9/26/2009

broken, beat & scarred

"You rise, you fall.
Your down then you rise again.
What don't kill you make you more strong."


gee i was writing alot and then wham i disappear. i havent been feeling all too well so i havent been in the mood for writing. though i know from past experiences that sometimes the most positive things come out of something negative, i just didnt feel like writing.

about 2 weeks ago i started having really weird head pain/discomfort. its kinda hard to describe i guess it felt like pressure in my head. i felt disorientated and lightheaded but i was able to still do things. it got me really scared. the only time i felt ok was if i had cold wash cloths or ice on my head or i was laying down. i really had no idea what was going on so i decided it was time to go get checked out. i went to urgent care. got looked at by a doctor and it ended up being an infection from my stupid broken tooth. so i was put on antibiotics cause of it. my blood pressure was also out of whack and the doctor said i needed to probably get it checked out. she refered me to a free clinic that would help me out. she asked me what my normal blood pressure is and im like u know i dont think ive ever taken it when i didnt have anxiety lol.

so this past tuesday i go to a free clinic. i was pretty nervous. i mean ive never dealt with free clinics before but i figured eh what can they really do to help people but i went anyways. the doctor i had there was really nice too. asked me all kinds of questions. seemed to have a really good bedside manner. my bp was pretty high still so he gave me samples of pills to take and told me to come back in 2 weeks to see how they are doing. we also talked a bit about my anxiety and that. im sure my anxiety does not help my bp at all. they also tested me for diabetes, which thankfully i do not have. the doctor just told me things i can do to help my bp which of course meant exercise and dieting.

ive been kinda mellow for the past few days since i started taking these bp pills. little to no anxiety which for me is awesome. i think i have been worrying alot about my bp and that caused alot of anxiety and i guess since im on pills for it i figure im on the road to recovery so my anxiety hasnt been too bad lately. though i still worry bout stuff and im constantly thinking i believe i have mellowed out a bit.

since my sister's death i been trying to change my lifestyle a bit. i was reckless with eatting and getting no exercise. coming from a family with history of heart disease, diabetes, high bp, etc that was a pretty big mistake. her death has changed my life dramatically. sometimes i guess a person needs something horrible to happen to make them realize that they are off track. i dont consider myself to be on a diet. i try to watch more of what i eat. i also tend to eat fruits and stuff for snacks. i try to cut off eatting by 8-9pm at night, that was a major change for me. of course i mentioned this in an earlier blog. this week i added in walking to my routine. usually 30 min walks. i decided to finally weigh myself and to my surprise since the last time i had my weight taken ive dropped 25 pounds. that was a nice pleasant surprise and the biggest confidence boost i needed about this whole new thing im doing. see not everything has been bad.

i want to make mention about my sisters death. when i wrote the blog about her i had assumed she committed suicide. actually thats pretty much what everyone assumed im sure. well it came back that the cause of her death was natural causes. she had an enlarged heart, high blood pressure, etc. though im sure years of drug abuse didnt really help her out at all it is listed that she died naturally. so according to the coroner she did not commit suicide.

about 4 years ago i moved back from west palm beach to milwaukee. i kinda wish i could have some of those 4 years back. i feel like i wasted alot of time doing nothing. wasted alot of time being angry and blaming other people for pretty much everything. i kinda shut down and stayed to myself and i didnt want to take responsibility for anything in my life. it was always someone else's fault or something that had happened was to blame. i have a really shitty way of dealing with things. yes i went through some really crappy stuff such as a divorce but i spent so much time thinking of the negative out of all of that to see that there is alot of positives that came out of everything negative that has gone on. thankfully ive kinda started to see that positives do come out of the negatives and because of that i think im well on my way to becoming the person i should be. that is why i quoted lyrics from "broken, beat & scarred" because they totally fit into my line of thinking.

1 comment:

  1. Well least you wont make mistakes you already have ..plus it's good your changing and 'growing' as a person. Good job! ^_^

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