my mind takes me to dark disturbing places. rather scary at times. so dark. so cold. no love. no sense of happiness. a light appears. i walk towards it. it seems so far away. i must get there. through the struggle, the pain, and the agony i must reach it. in the light the darkness will fade. maybe its just not time for me to get out of the darkness. maybe im more creative in the darkness? maybe i have some mission to accomplish before i can be in the light? the answer is unclear but the gap is closing. the goal is clear...make it to the light and dont let the darkness consume me permanently.
hmm hell of a way to start a blog huh? no idea if that made any sense whatsoever lol. to me i suppose it did. maybe you have to be me to understand. =P i felt like writing so i felt like writing something random and if it only made sense to me thats totally fine.
how is nick? nick is doing ok. wait...did i just say i was ok without really bitching bout anything? maybe. the blog is far from over with. i still have plenty of time to bitch. things are never of course perfect but ive learned alot in the past few months so you kinda have to learn to take the good with the bad. being wrapped up in negativty just does no good.
my broken tooth has gotten worse. well no shit. i only broke it like 6 months ago lol. well...i cant really afford to get it taken out. id rather not stick my father with paying for it. but it has gotten worse and is effecting my health in other places so i finally am going next week tuesday to talk to the oral surgerion. so looking forward to that but hey ill feel better afterwards and its something i need to get done.
baby step changes. this is something different and new to me. i always say im going to do this, im going to do that, or ill get on it eventually. im the type of person who cant do too many things at once. i get overwhelmed. i get stressed out. so i decided to take a few baby steps to change a few things in my life.
first off is im exercising more. this is something i never really stuck to before in my life. im kinda proud of myself atm. im lazy and i dont do shit. im the first to admit it. well after my sister's death i was having alot of random stuff going on. chest pains, random aches and pains, and just other stuff. it scared me enough to think you know maybe its time to start worrying a bit more about my health. i just never really gave a shit ever bout it. id just eat and eat and then wouldnt exercise. so i decided to start at least by riding the exercise bike 15 minutes a day. in the past month ive only gone one day without going on the bike. thats pretty impressive to me considering how i am. i recently added in a bit of light dumbell lifting too. nothing too impressive but i figure every other day or 3 times a week i can add a bit of weight exercising to what im already doing. one of the biggest things though is my eatting habits. no im not perfect with it but i do eat the typical 3 meals a day now. something ive never done ever. usually cereal in the morning, sandwich or something for lunch, and then a normal size supper. snackwise ive been eatting stuff like yogurt or fruit. yes...major change for me. i even went to fat free orange sherbet instead of ice cream. i usually stick to just drinking water now too. i also after about 8pm everynight usually will not eat anything else until breakfast the next morning. yet another change and adjustment for me. despite any pains or whatnot im liking this new routine for me.
attitude. id like to think my attitude has gotten a bit better as of late. people i do talk to alot say they have noticed a change. for someone to make changes in their life alot of it has to do with their attitude and wanting to change. i got to a point where i felt like ok this isnt working out the way i want it or how i intended it so lets adjust it. slow process but anything that is different from my normal routine is positive in my opinion. i still am quite quiet around my family. i think thats how im always going to be though. im, though some people who really do know me may find this odd, the quiet one of the family. im ok with that. it doesnt mean i dont like being around family. in fact i think im quite the opposite. i like family gatherings. i like being around family. i guess im just content to be around them and not feel like i need to be saying a whole lot.
job hunting. oh yay fun stuff! before i could really do anything i needed to get my state id. i dont know if people know how i was screwed around last time i tried to get it but i finally did get my state id. the economy sucks right now and finding a job is going to be a pain in the ass but yes im going to start browsing around for one. i mean with my experience there is no reason why i shouldnt get into a grocery store at least. but yeah i think after i feel a bit better after this whole tooth bullshit is over im going to be looking alot more. i need something. maybe then i can live a little bit. maybe even have a life...omg what a concept. but yeah that is something that has been somewhat of a monkey on my back and i need to take care of it. though being a writer seems to be a good career choice for me. people keep telling me that anyways...but is it really something where i can make a descent living. if i could put my ideas on paper possibly. until then i need something that will let me have a descent living/life.
with everything going on in my head and wanting to make changes or trying new things i have given thought to trying to get my license again. im sure my family if they read that are going ah shit but its something i should of done a long time ago. i think that would be a major accomplishment for me. its really something im thinking about. i really dont want to be carted around the rest of my life or have to depend on buses or whatever. im pretty sure i can do it.
anxiety. i guess i have never told people how bad my anxiety is. it is pretty horrible and hinders me on a daily basis. ive had a few mild anxiety attacks as of late. its a bit scary but i am ok at calming myself down. its something i need to get checked and i will at some point. pretty much though lets say im having chest pains or heartburn or something automatically i start thinking i having like a heart attack. i panic and then everything just starts to get worse. i seriously cant tell what pain is real and what pain is just from my anxiety. lol. it really sucks.
i gave up WoW. ok MMOs took up way too much of my time. i lost friends cause of it. granted it may of been online friends but still i do try to take my time to get to know people and yeah still i lost friends cause of it. wow got really ridiculous with leading a guild and having people depend on me. it wasnt worth it in the end. so i finally gave up on wow. so instead if im online, which i still am alot, im usually talking to friends on msn or im on facebook. yeah im hooked on facebook. gah. lol. well ive found a bunch of people who i use to talk to and lost contact with which was cool. i have family on there. people i use to go to school with. plus they have all kinds of neat little games. those games are much better then some MMO. am i done with MMOs? well i dont know. the new star wars one coming out looks interesting and so does the dc universe one so i dunno. i cant say for sure. some other things are more important then MMOs.
my rooms upstairs. talk about natural disaster areas. i pretty much was lazy and just did absolutely nothing to them. following my sisters death and seeing all that she left behind for us to clean up i decided to do some cleaning and rearranging myself. i got rid of alot of stuff that i will never use or ive been hanging onto for years. felt good to finally get rid of and go through some shit. i havent finished the other room yet but thats ok ive made alot more progress this summer then i have in years lol.
i've said quite a bit so far. i like to think of it as being a bit more positive then i have been though...which is good. there is more i do have to say but thats for another time. seriously though i shouldnt have problems writing books or short stories. all my blogs are like mini novels the way it is. lol. anyways im out. comments are always apprecihated. its nice to know i do have some people who read this.