descent into madness

man it feels like its been ages since i wrote anything. oh wait, it kinda has. last time i wrote anything was back in may and since then life kinda went a bit crazy. i may have family reading what i write now so i suppose i should be careful with what i say. nah its cool. maybe it be nice for a change for them to see who i really am. god knows i hide myself really good from people. though some get to see the real me and i must say those who do get to see it are truly blessed cause i am an awesome person. ego much? nah. people who really do know me knows that i joke around alot. so lets take a descent into madness.

last time i wrote was may 15th. 2 days later my grandma passed away. it was not totally shocking. she was getting up there in age and was not eatting really anything at all. so it was one of those expected things. expected death is still never really all too easy though. i am glad though that in the months prior i did go see her with my father quite a bit. if there was one thing specifically that i regretted with my mom it was the fact i didnt do more or i hid myself so i wouldnt have to see her suffer. seeing as how i was a teenager watching that and dealing with that was very hard. at least i know that if anyone understands it would of been my mom.

funeral came and went. was nice to see some people that i havent seen for quite some time. isnt it sad how most families only get together for weddings and funerals? i guess thats just the way it is. it wasnt really that sad of a funeral. of course my sister mary got overemotional, like she always does. other then that it was just really a typical funeral.

i do miss my grandma. i remember when i was a little kid i use to enjoy going to visit her with my father. i at one point when i was wanting to be a weatherman i would call her up on the phone to say hi and give her a weather report. i was such a cute kid at times, where the heck did i go wrong? lol. ah yes the simple answer to that question would be...i grew up. well maybe in age but maybe not mentally. yeah ok people should know i like taking shots at myself. its quite fun!

lets jump up a few weeks now. sometimes in life things build up for awhile and before your very eyes they sort of explode. im refering to my sister mary of course. people who have read my myspace blogs over the course of the past few years know some stuff that has went on there. some of the stuff i wrote in my blogs, well ill just go on record and say i'd like to totally eliminate alot of what i had said. who can really blame me for saying stuff i had said? i dont think anyone really knows how i truly felt over the past few years. i can explain it in detail and people i dont think can still fully understand and comprehend it. either way that is not the real issue here, for the moment at least.

on june 7th things reached the breaking point. mary tried to kill herself by downing about 90 pills while being under the influence of cocaine. during the night she had written a suicide note bashing the family. she claimed people never loved her and cared about her and pretty much we all needed to take a look in the mirror cause our lifes are not perfect. when i woke up that morning i had every intention on just going to the bathroom and walking back upstairs to go to bed. my father stopped me though and told me that my sister kathy/trink called 911 cause mary walked to her house and she had tried to kill herself. i kinda didnt really know what to say. i was sort of in shock. though i cant say i was totally surprised by it. not surprised? how can i not be surprised by this? i will explain of course shortly.

that day turned out to be a pretty long day to be totally honest. we really didnt know what was going on or what to really expect. we traveled just to get ouf of the house for a bit. stopped by my brother bobbys house and then drove all to way out to my aunts house. i hadnt been to my aunts house in i think 15 years at least. i guess the overal question was what was going to happen next?

i kinda had the feeling she was not going to be coming back here to live. committing suicide is pretty serious but then added on the fact that they found cocaine in her system really did not help either. i think in her mind her goal was to try to get out of this house anyway she can. she wasnt happy here. she absolutely hated living here. i kinda never really understood why. i mean she really had control over everything in this house. she i think felt like this was her house and everyone should live under her rule. of course though that is very far from the truth. she had been rejected by social security disability. i believe she had this plan mapped out that if she were to try to kill herself then they may lock her up for a bit and it may better her case for social security.

they did end up putting her into a county hospital and watched over her. she had called my father saying she needed clothes. so on that tuesday him and my sister went up there to take clothes to mary. mary then i believe made one of the biggest mistakes she could of done. though she made quite a few this one however was big. her and my sister got into it and she kinda went after my sister and told her to fuck off and go to hell. thus bringing a major strain to their relationship. i could go into detail bout why this fight took place but thats part of another pretty involved story anyways. pretty much trink decided she was done being mary's babysitter after that and my father had said to me mary is not coming back to this house...he was done.

stuff starting coming out that none of us really knew about. again even though this is my blog and it helps me personally to mention things there is some things that possibly are better left unsaid. she had alot of legal issues that no one really knew about. owed i guess like 3 grand in bad checks. which is pretty serious stuff. it also had come out unless others knew bout it and i didnt that she had been a coke addict. that is something i honestly did not know about. i knew about dope and occasional drinking. i knew nothing bout coke.

on wednesday the 17th she had called the house to tell my father that she was going to be moving into a group home. she said she had to stay there for 30 days and then she told him something that i didnt expect. she is like after that im free to come home and if i cant come back home im going to be out on the streets. when my father got off the phone and he told me i had to walk away for a bit. i was extremely upset. he said she would be on meds and she would get better. i fired back with bullshit...she will not get better. she will be fine for awhile and then it will be the same fucking shit again. i started to cry so i just went upstairs to be alone. i cant tell you of all the thoughts that were going on in my head at that moment. ill just leave it at that i was upset.

she went to this group home and then she had came over here on that saturday to pick up some stuff to take with her. i avoided coming downstairs. i just didnt want to deal with it or see her. my father had said that she seemed a bit more mellow to talk to. thats nice...how bout i dont care. lol. it didnt help bring any ease to the current situation. the following day to our surprise she ended up coming over. took the bus. i was kinda like what in the hell is she doing here. apparently at her group home she could come and go as she please. really? group homes let you do this? ok that makes no sense to me but hey whatever.

nothing really exciting happened during the course of the week. mary came over again on the 27th to do laundry. my father had said she seemed to be in a descent mood. talking bout the future and how she was going to do this and that. she kinda did this though alot. talk about the future be all positive and then the next day fuck life, fuck people, etc. thats really just rather typical of someone who is severely depressed.

the next day i just really felt weird. i felt alot of anxiety and it is kinda like i was waiting for something to happen. was really weird and i couldnt put a finger on what it was. my thoughts and anxiety were kinda well right and confirmed later that night. mary had apparently overdosed on pills again. this time though she was cold and nonresponsive to anything. so they rushed her to the ER. the only thing that was confirmed at the time was that she had dope in her system. big surprise there. she couldnt live without it.

the next few days were kinda well wait and be patient type thing. they really went telling us alot of things. we knew she was nonresponsive and was on a respirator. they also said that they were kinda wondering if she was brain dead. the exact details on what had happened that night are still to this day a bit sketchy. we assume that cause when they sent her to the group home they sent her there with all of the meds she would need a month we assume that something had set her off and she decided to take as much as she could. intentional overdose? most likely. though i dont want to say for sure. on sunday morning which would of been the 28th they went to check on her in the group home and she was snoring away so they figured she was sleeping. by 4pm she still wasnt awake so they checked on her again. her breathing was labored and she was already cold. after monitoring her they didnt think she was fully brain dead. so they decided to run an eeg so they could determine more. she was still nonresponsive and she was starting to bloat up.

we pretty much figured that was it. there was no hope of her coming back. its kinda weird to have a person there one moment and trying to think positively about the future and then a day later they are back in the hospital being kept alive on a respirator. but you know thats how some suicidal people act and its because they finally have come to peace with the fact that they are going to end it and finally be out of pain so they are happy. is that the case here? maybe. anyways wednesday morning which was july 1st they finally had the results of the brain scan. saddly parts of her brain were techinically dead. my father and my sister trink were going to be going to the hospital to talk to them about the next steps. i decided it probably would be the last time i got to see my sister so i was going to go with.

we went to the hospital. when they took us to her room they said if we wanted to go inside we had to put on a gown and all that wonderful crap. she had a staph infection. from the door you could see her though. all the machines and the respirator which at this point was just keeping her alive since she could not breath on her own. i could see her from the doorway which was enough for me. she looked really bloated too. we first talked to the doctor and the decision was made that we would be pullling her off the respirator. they didnt seem to think she would survive no more then an hour without it. we then talked to the donor people. at least if her life couldnt be saved then maybe she could save someone else's life. it was time to go see her for what would be the last time. i stood there by the door of her room and held back my tears and said "goodbye mary".

we got back home and i walked upstairs. i sat here for a moment and then i just let it all out. i was sobbing. i guess i didnt want to show my emotions in front of other people...force of habit and old habits are hard to break. so i just let it all out. i started pacing around the room balling. then i got really mad and nearly punched the wall saying to myself "god damn it why the fuck did she do this. i just dont understand. god damn it all". after awhile i did manage to calm myself down and said to myself you know despite all of this please god take care of her and maybe at least now she can be at peace.

at 1:02am on july 2nd she was taken off the respirator. at 1:42am she had passed away. mary was 40 years old. we wont find out for another few weeks what the consider to be the actual cause of death. we had the funeral on the 7th and alot of people were in shock. alot of tears were shed. alot of hugs were given. there were 2 posterboards of pictures of mary and family and then a little video of her life. sad part is if u look at her pictures a person would of never of guessed that she had so many problems cause she smiled in basically all of her pictures. it was nice to see people i hadnt seen for awhile at the funeral. hell some people i hadnt seen since i was a little kid. i got that omg u were this little last time i seen you speech quite a bit. but thats ok. i think i wanted to cry that day but couldnt bring myself to cry.

i have to say life is weird and changes at an instant. you have to be prepared for it but not in such a sense that you sit around waiting for the unexpected to happen. i cant say that the outcome of all of this was a shocker to me. i recognized the problems mary was having. im not exactly the most stable person in the world but i deal and manage with it the best that i can. its sad the way things ended and very tragic. rereading some of my old blogs i talked about her quite a bit and alot of it was negative. i wont go into details of what was said on either side. i will say that the sister i known for the past few years was not the actual mary. there is no way it could of been. without meds and addicted to drugs and crack it totally changed her and her personality. it made her a bitter hateful person who could only see what she wanted to see. she wanted help from people but then pushed people away. people can only help as much as you want them to. if you push them away you will never get any help.

i dont want to tarnish the memory of my sister more then what i have already. it would be disrespectful. we went through alot of bullshit the past few years of her life and i pretty much had no contact with her for about a year and a half...and thats with her living in the same house. that is pretty sad. i have regrets about it too. despite everything should i have been a bigger person and said hey u know u are my sister cant we just work it out. i never did though. i chose to lash out back at her in older blogs not because i hated her though but because i didnt understand why she was so hateful towards me. i think i finally understand though. it was not her anymore. at any rate the pain will ease in time. not every memory i have of her is a bad one and im going to put the good memories in front of the bad ones as much as i can because i would rather remember those instead of the bad. i am sorry if you didnt think i was much of a brother to you over the years. i cant say i will get over the bad memories completely right away but i think i can forgive u for stuff you said and did. i just hope now you are finally at peace. you are missed despite what you make think.

to end this on a positive note. i really didnt want to end a entry with it being all sad and whatnot so im going to add a bit more. ive learned quite a few things with all of this too. its easy to think people are always against you when you pretty much imbed it into your head that the world is out to get you. im guilty of this. the world and people are pretty much what you make of it. if you are going to be negative then most likely everything will be negative. am i saying there is no negative? of course not but it shouldnt be labeled as a negative or positive. some things are actually both its all up to you how you want to take it.

change is a good thing too. even if it is baby steps, any kind of change of something tha you were previously doing can and most likely will be good. change can be viewed at as many different things. change in attitude, change in eatting habits, change in exercising, rearranging rooms, throwing away shit thats been sitting there for years, etc. any little bit of change is a good thing.

lastly. learn to talk to people more. be open about your feelings. tell people how you are feeling. so what if they disagree with you. not everyone is going to agree with you anyways. people have their own opinins and mindset on things. if you are too afraid or sometimes too shy or not wanting to get your foot stuck in your mouth then write. writing in my opinion is just as good as talking. its endless what you can type and right about and sometimes easier to understand and get inside someone's head to understand why things about them are a certain way. at least now everyone knows why i write.


  1. Yay for change, and for being open about your feeling :D

  2. It's good to see you get this out, Nick. I believe that those who pass on know what we need them to know. *hugs* Ananda

  3. wow, i actually have an older sister whose probably on her a out and well our relationship has never been good. And i suffered from her majorly..But nay who.. It's good you have gotten all that out and in the end became the bigger person, by trying to do the right thong. way to go nickster ^_^